TOXIC friends - do I change my son to another school?

[WilliamG66]

Hello,
I am considering changing my 12 yo school in mid year, mainly because the only friends he has are very toxic and are making him really unhappy. He is in Year 8 so all kids’ groups are well established so it is really hard to make new friends.
He doesn’t want to change schools but I am really worried about him finding nice friends.
Have already spoken to the boys and asked them to be nice to each other and be good friends, but they continue to call him names, make him feel guilty about spending family time and basically being really nasty to him.
I have not spoken to the school yet because my son is worried that they will make a big deal of it and he’d end up being called a snitch and being victimised by other kids and end up alone during school break times etc.
I don’t know how to help him.
Any advice very much welcomed.

Can he find other interests other than the X Box? Sorry for sounding annoying suggesting that but maybe it's time to find other more meaningful interests with boys who are a bit more sensitive. Some boys/men don't care at all about names and can give out shit and take it. But others aren't like that and are usually more sensitive when it's like that. He may well enjoy computer games because yes of course sensitive boys do enjoy them but maybe he needs to find out about the interests of the other boys in his class? Get him doing some other clubs at school where he meets other boys and forms other friendships? And definitely try to set up some activity outside of school where he can meet other people - not just boys - but people of all ages - maybe some volunteering or something like that. It would help him see that these boys aren't particularly nice and that he doesn't need to spend time around them - if he's got other better friends and activities to do instead. It might take a while but to me it sounds like he needs to spread his wings - WIDE.

You can hide your status when you are on xbox live, my sons used to do it when they didn't want to play games with their mates. They don't play xbox now but google shows you how to do it.

There were instances with Ds2 with one of his mates calling him names online in year 8 I believe. I got Ds to message the kid directly saying that I could see what he was saying and I was very angry and if it didn't stop I would be sending screenshots to school. It is good to have a parent to blame.

But definitely contact the school about it too. They have seen this a million times before. Also please don't perpetuate the whole if you snitch it will get worse. Schools have a duty of care toward pupils, if it escalated then the school should escalate the sanctions on the bullies. There should be a bullying policy either on the school website or in your son's planner. Every year in my son's school they read this out about bullying so that everyone knows what to do, who to report it to and what the punishments are if you are doing it.

My son often games with his status being offline.

None of my kids had the same friends in y8 as they did by y9/10. They aren't friends with primary school people either.

Changing schools isn't going to prevent these boys contacting him. Thanks to the Internet they can still text, message and physically bump into him at places where teens hang out. Your son may be under peer pressure at his new school from new boys. If your town is like mine then people from one school will know people at others and social media or whatever can be used to annoy your son.

Hello, Thank you all for your comments and suggestions.
I had DS in tears again tonight. It turns out that it seems to always be the same boy that undermines him, picks on him and makes him feel like crap. My boy stands up to him every time but it is draining and he ends up really upset, as all he wants to do is play games with the group of boys.

• I suggested he plays offline but he says that he doesn’t enjoy play alone or with ‘strangers’ - also all the game history and progress would be lost if he creates a completely new username so he doesn’t want that
• I suggested he plays with them but comes off the calls, so to avoid arguments, but he says that if he mutes the call he is then accused of ‘airing’ them or he is called a ‘snowflake’ for not handling the ‘banter’
• I told him to restrict the phone calls to a shorter time but he says that they will then call him a loner or weird when he next joins the call- or they will bombard him with messages asking him to join the call.
• I suggested that he uses me as an excuse, ie blame me for taking his phone away- but they will say that he is lying and make him swear on my life, which he is not prepared to do.
• I tried to say that it shouldn’t matter what they say about him but my DS says that it does matter to him because they are the only ‘friends’ he has.
• not going to school at the moment so no after school activities to help him meet other kids.
• no other activities or hobbies at the moment due to lockdown so dead end there too.
• DS knows they are not being good friends - specially the instigator- but he doesn’t want to be by himself - and if he stops all communication he then knows he will be alone at school and the atmosphere will become very awkward at school.

So, what do I suggest/do under this situation- considering all of the above and putting myself on his shoes?
I need to guide him and I don’t know how.
Do I force him to break all contact with these boys, knowing he’ll end up alone? At school and on his online games at home?
I have asked him about what he would like to happen and he said for this particular boy not to be part of the group because arguments are minimal when he is not around but I cannot see that happening anytime soon.
What should I suggest he does?

What a horrible situation for your DS. I think I'd take @LonelyBlueBauble 's advice. The instigator needs to be told this will not be tolerated. As well as threatening to discuss it with school you'll be involving parents too. I'd also encourage him to find other friends. Boys often just want to play a game with whoever is online so perhaps he could try connecting with some other lads.

I had an issue with my ds in year 7. I did inform his tutor, however more normal times then. What did work was a ban on the game. It was with his consent though. He actually did gradually get another set of friends and also now plays games with some old primary friends. He is year 11 now and it seemed such a big deal at the time. I have a year 7 as well. He is obsessed with Scratch though!
Time out from all chat? I know hard..Good Luck🍀

I have spoken to the boy several times - he even knows I sometimes listen to their conversations, as my DS’s phone is always on loud speaker but he doesn’t seem to care - he always has a comeback or a ‘reason’ for his behaviour. I have his mum’s number but my DS doesn’t want me to talk to her as he thinks it will make things worse.
I have not mentioned anything at school yet because at the moment they only socialise outside of school hours ie in the evenings online - during lessons they do not talk to each other as they are in different classes and my DS doesn’t use his mobile during school time.
I think reducing the time he spends on a group call with them will help minimise the arguments and the nastyness- I just wished my DS would just decide to stop connecting to them all together rather than having to find techniques to help him cope.

@WilliamG66 You need to contact school. It doesn't matter what your son thinks of this and you need to stop this. The only way to stop this is to notify school.

You almost need to shout it from the rooftops and shine a light on what this kid is doing. Email school with all the details, the snowflake etc.

I have had to do this a few times with Ds1 who is now almost 18, including him being called a pussy because at 11 he didn't play games rated 18. School will deal with it. It comes under bullying. In ye olden days things like this could only happen in school, now with social media and constant contact it can happen outside school too.

Do not contact the mother, they always defend their child, you want this to come out of the blue, no warning. Sorry but it is true.

Make sure school know that your son has tried muting them etc and tried to deal with it but it is relentless. Tell them he is worried about being alone which is why he is trying to remain in the group.

Even though school is currently online, we get a phone call every week from either pastoral or a teacher who teaches my son, they send us messages every week about mental health and pastoral being available for anything we need. That is whole school, not specific to my son's year group or anything.

Also you sound completely lovely, I promise it does get easier but these are the shit issues that come with secondary when everyone is finding their feet. It is fantastic that he can come to you and tell you what is happening. A very mature attitude to seek out the help of adults.

He will get new friends when he takes his GCSE subjects. I’d leave him there if he wants to stay.

It looks like such a dilemma, particularly this:
*all he wants to do is play games with the group of boys.

• I suggested he plays offline but he says that he doesn’t enjoy play alone or with ‘strangers’ - also all the game history and progress would be lost if he creates a completely new username so he doesn’t want that*

I'd be a bit worried that he doesn't feel he can walk away even though he is continually being upset and his self esteem damaged. I know you know your child best but fwiw if it was my ds I'd put a stop to the games involving this boy. If he doesn't like the way he is being spoken to but is so helpless to stop it then I don't think he is learning a good life lesson in terms of how to handle bullies. He needs to learn how to handle it if people call him names or snowflakes and to stand up for himself more. He may not be particularly vulnerable but the kid who is being nasty can see this behaviour isn't really being challenged with any consequences and will go on to bully other more vulnerable children.

OP, it sounds tough but don't engage with the other boy - you're an adult and he's someone else's child. You need to take your son out of the problem area for a bit or off the game.

It's tough in lockdown as there isn't much else to do but equally they don't have to put up with playground/corridor jostling so if he's offline or ignores the comments they'll die down. If the boy ramps up and sends worse messages to your son, then it's time to speak to the head of year.

Some schools care more about this than others. Some literally don't understand why it would be a problem.

Op, sometimes a fresh start is needed, I wouldn't rule out a school move.

Absolutely - you can change in year 8 - friendships are not cemented. My DC attend a non selective independent and many boys move at the end of year 8 in any case.

Much more important that your DS is happy.

Good luck!

So sorry your Ds is struggling, seems to be the online gaming after school predominately.

He can still play online but ‘appear’ offline. This is what Ds did when he was in a similar situation.

He needs to go to Settings and appear offline.

What game are they playing, OP?

@WilliamG66

Yes, DS does say that he just needs to go and switches off but still gets the flack for it. Also hard when he wants to play on the Xbox by himself and they see him online, as they just don’t leave him alone or call him weirdo for not joining. I cannot understand why some people cannot just be nice. Why criticise others constantly? Why making others feels bad? It seems to be mainly one of the boys, the instigator, and the other one just joins. I know their mums since primary and I have been tempted so many times to speak to them but my DS doesn’t want me to get them involved.

If it’s mainly one instigator, you should speak to his Mum.

How is his Mum, is she approachable?

Don’t let DS know you’ve spoke to her and ask her to not say that your son said anything, pretend the Mums were snooping and found out.