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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Should I let my 14 year old DD move schools?

50 replies

Pinkmagic1 · 28/11/2020 18:58

My 14 year old, year 9 DD has been unhappy at school for some time. She has a large group of friends but there are the normal dramas and falling out and there has also been bullying issues with one particular girl. She says she can't ever say no to her friends and has to constantly do as they please otherwise she is scared they will fall out with her and talk behind her back. They do not sound like easy friendships, but are they ever with teenage girls?

As well as friends from the school she attends, she also has friends that go to other local schools. DD constantly asks if she can move to one of these schools and says she just wants a fresh start.

I really don't know what to do for the best, as I am sure there will always be friendship drama whichever school she attends, but equally I dont want her to be unhappy and she is certain she wants to move. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

Timshortforthalia · 28/11/2020 19:02

Please move her.

Yes, there are friendships dramas everywhere but moving gives her a fresh start and a chance to choose a less toxic friendship group.

Dd is in y8 and had awful time last 2 years at primary. Her group of mates since start of secondary are completely drama free and lovely.

bubbletrouble1 · 28/11/2020 19:14

I'd move her if there are places.

Spied · 28/11/2020 19:21

What's going to happen in the future if there's friendship dramas at college? At Uni? Work?
We'd all love a fresh start at times but really what will help your dd is staying where she is and learning how to overcome issues, resilience and confidence.

Greektome · 28/11/2020 19:24

I'd move her too. Being really unhappy at that age could affect her long term.

OddBoots · 28/11/2020 19:25

Yes if there is a space, there might be problems in a new school but that is outweighed but the fact there are problems in this school.

Y9 is a good time to move, she has given her current place a lot of chance and it is before GCSE work starts or starts in earnest anyway.

Timshortforthalia · 28/11/2020 19:27

@Spied

What's going to happen in the future if there's friendship dramas at college? At Uni? Work? We'd all love a fresh start at times but really what will help your dd is staying where she is and learning how to overcome issues, resilience and confidence.

I doubt this will be the dd's only chance to develop those skills 🤷‍♀️

TabbyStar · 28/11/2020 19:31

I took my DD out of school completely end of year 8 and all of year 9 for similar reasons, it gave her a chance to regroup and she's not had any friendship problems since. Some of that might just be getting older, but I knew staying would have broken her (and possibly me too!) and could have affected her mental health for life. I also wanted her to know that you can do something about a crappy situation, it's in your power to change it. It helped with my relationship with DD as we worked through it together and she felt listened to and involved in difficult decisions.

MissEliza · 28/11/2020 20:58

I let my ds move for similar reasons at that age. It was a disaster academically but he was a much happier child which is more important in the long run. I say that as someone for whom education and qualifications are extremely important but they're no good if you are lonely, depressed or anxious.

NOTANUM · 28/11/2020 21:11

How do the schools compare? Are they academically and socially similar? Do they have a similar ethos?
I would only move her if her education wasn't going to be adversely affected.
But the most important thing we can do is listen to our children and it sound like you're doing exactly that.

Fightthebear · 28/11/2020 23:37

I saw a good comment on a similar thread recently:

“I’ve learned that if I can solve a problem by running away, then run away”.

I don’t know if moving will help your dd but feeling obliged to stay stuck until you’ve redeemed a toxic situation is not empowering or necessarily realistic.

fallfallfall · 28/11/2020 23:56

no harm in trying.

CrystalMaisie · 28/11/2020 23:59

I moved my dd, worked out for the better so I’d say yes move her.

ilovemybabiess2020 · 29/11/2020 00:48

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M0rT · 29/11/2020 00:54

I'd move her.
I also don't understand the what will she do in the future mindset, I have left jobs because the culture didn't suit me. Hasn't done my career any harm.

ilovemybabiess2020 · 29/11/2020 01:00

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SauvignonGrower · 29/11/2020 01:02

Yes. Let her move. School can feel like a prison. For the rest of her life she'll be free to move jobs/houses if things don't work out, so why condemn our children to years of unhappiness because it'll be 'character building', or whatever.

IHeartKingThistle · 29/11/2020 01:04

Just a word of caution - if she already knows people at the new school great, but she might not slot easily into their friendship group. There may well be a period of adjustment or even friction there.

That said, if my DD actively asked to move I think I probably would move her.

cabbageking · 29/11/2020 02:11

I would speak to school about some pastoral support to boost her confidence. They should have covered what good relationships are which includes friendships etc but perhaps they could revisit it for that year group?
If she is lacking confidence this will follow her because it does not appear to be a school issue? She might find herself in a worse situation at a new school where she continues to have no voice?

IdblowJonSnow · 29/11/2020 02:18

I'd move her. Most children don't just want to change schools for the hell of it.

If it's not a whim then go for it.

And yes, people also change universities, courses and jobs, there is no shame in changing course if it's not working out or making someone unhappy.

jessstan1 · 29/11/2020 02:44

Do move her, everyone is entitled to (at least) one change of scene and it may be beneficial for her, especially as that is what she wants.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 29/11/2020 02:50

Worse advice ever !

I’d let her move schools.

DramaAlpaca · 29/11/2020 02:52

I've moved a child for similar reasons so I say do it. It worked out very well in our case.

ReefTeeth · 29/11/2020 02:59

@Spied

What's going to happen in the future if there's friendship dramas at college? At Uni? Work? We'd all love a fresh start at times but really what will help your dd is staying where she is and learning how to overcome issues, resilience and confidence.

And the award for the worst comment goes to...

Why should she have to stay somewhere that is making her unhappy? Uni is VERY different to high school.

If you didn't like your job/colleague/manager would you stay to build resilience?

Of course not 🙄

SillyOldMummy · 29/11/2020 03:18

Move her. I seriously doubt the current school will do anything pastoral to help. Get her a few counselling sessions before she moves, could be a disaster if same happens at new school.

I was bullied this way from Y8 to Y11 , it almost broke me. Wish I had had a chance to start afresh.

dsaflausdhfiushdfakdsf · 29/11/2020 03:28

@Spied

What's going to happen in the future if there's friendship dramas at college? At Uni? Work? We'd all love a fresh start at times but really what will help your dd is staying where she is and learning how to overcome issues, resilience and confidence.

Bit daft. I'd absolutely move jobs if I was unhappy for a year. I wouldn't even let it go on for that long. Life's too short.

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