Should I let my 14 year old DD move schools?

[Pinkmagic1]

My 14 year old, year 9 DD has been unhappy at school for some time. She has a large group of friends but there are the normal dramas and falling out and there has also been bullying issues with one particular girl. She says she can't ever say no to her friends and has to constantly do as they please otherwise she is scared they will fall out with her and talk behind her back. They do not sound like easy friendships, but are they ever with teenage girls?

As well as friends from the school she attends, she also has friends that go to other local schools. DD constantly asks if she can move to one of these schools and says she just wants a fresh start.

I really don't know what to do for the best, as I am sure there will always be friendship drama whichever school she attends, but equally I dont want her to be unhappy and she is certain she wants to move. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I would move her too if possible, I wouldn't just stay in a workplace I didn't like.

Helping her move forwards is a good thing.

Move her. No doubt.

Any adult who’d been unhappy in a job for a year and had a similar job offer in a new place, where they already had friends, would move.

Knowing when a situation just doesn’t work for you is an important life skill too.

I would absolutely move her now, before it gets more complicated with GCSEs.

They do not sound like easy friendships, but are they ever with teenage girls?

Please don’t perpetuate the stereotype that teen girls are bitchy and manipulative, and force your daughter to accept it and suffer for it.

Part of the problem with the stereotype is people think this is how it is, a problem that can’t be solved because that’s how teen girls are. So it never gets addressed, and healthy relationships aren’t formed, and the stereotype remains.

Move her. Give her the chance to make decent friends. Those girls will hopefully learn that if they treat their friends like shit, they will lose them.

Move her!

FWIW, I moved DC1 in primary from an Ofsted Outstanding 'down' to a good school, where he thrived and excelled academically simply because he had more confidence and got away from the source of his stress.

Your DD will do better emotionally, academically, and likely blossom if she too can get away from the source of her stress. Yes, there will always be 'issues' wherever she goes. But in year 9, she's mature enough to adapt easily and 'find her tribe' so to speak- if she wants to.
Above all, she wants to leave. I wouldn't hesitate!

Move her. We moved dd end of year 8 from a toxic year group. They often exist. Best thing we ever did.

As long as you feel she has realistic expectations of the new school I'd move her. Moving away from toxic situations isn't cowardly its sensible and adults do it all the time when they can.

I’m so very pleased that the predominant advice is to move her. Do it now please. Don’t waste a moment.

Let her move schools, particularly if she already has friends in other schools. Do it now before year 10, bullying can have long term impact on self esteem.
I get yourself reluctance as its a big move and grass isnt always greener but in the situation you've described I wouldn't hesitate.

Of course move her.

Whatever the reason she wants to move and if you can why not?

When I have had ds ask me about bigger decisions I've always asked myself why I wouldn't rather than if I should.

Are there places in the other school? If so I'd do it asap too..
My friend's friend has been looking for a place in that year group and thinks there are very few coming up.

Please let her, I wish my mum had let me move at that age. It's the one thing she got very wrong as a parent.

Move her. I moved schools as an older teenager and was so much happier.

I'd move her.

What happens if you move her and 8n ⁶ months she decides that actually the grass isnt greener/ she's having friendship issues/ and she wants to move again?
Would you move her again?

@Spied

What happens if you move her and 8n ⁶ months she decides that actually the grass isnt greener/ she's having friendship issues/ and she wants to move again? Would you move her again?

So it's better to definitely be miserable than might be miserable 🤷

It’s certainly not true that friendship dramas are normal and unavoidable. Apart from a brief few weeks in year 10, which was solved by Dd and her closest friends distancing themselves from a particular group, Dd had no issues in her 5 years of secondary.

If your Dd moves and has similar issues, you might conclude that she has something to do with it/something to learn and that would be your opportunity to address those issues/help her. But it’s more likely she’s found herself in a toxic group and needs a fresh start. I would definitely move her straight away.

Also, both Dd and ds have friends who joined their schools in year 9 - they seemed to settle in fine. It’s not automatically the case that it’s difficult to fit in at that age.

Also have a 14 year old. After a few hiccups she has a nice group of easy going girls leaving her able to focus on work.

In your situation I would move her.

Actually several of dds friends arrived in year 8 and easily assimilated into her friendship group

Anecdotally every family I know that have moved a child only wish they’d done it sooner

I moved my dd school in year 2 and wished I’d done it sooner.
Know she’s a lot younger than your dd though op.
I went to a slightly different college to do my GCSE’s 90% of our school went to ‘A’ I chose ‘b’ more for transport reasons than social but it gave me a fresh start met some lovely likeminded friends rather than the group I’d been with all through secondary. So pleased I did.
I’d let dd move school ideally from jan would be good if you can get her in mid year?

Yes, please move her.

My parents didn't let me move school in a similar situation because they didn't want to let me 'run away from my problems'. I eventually refused school altogether and it affected my mental health and self-esteem into my mid-twenties.

There's no guarantee that a new school will solve everything, but it's clear that she's been unhappy at the current one for some time - a chance of happiness elsewhere is better than definite unhappiness!

Yes because it doesn't get better until after year 11 so doing year 10 and 11 at a different school will be a break, a chance to be more assertive and only for two years.

If there's places, move her.

Yes, she might face bullying as an adult. But perhaps she won't think "this is just something you need to put up with", but go get a new job.

There are bullies - and just generally shitty people - in all walks of life, school does seem oddly one of the few life experiences where you are expected to stay in a situation with an abusive person.

Apply for a place at the new school. You could move her at Christmas term.