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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

DD passed 11plus but wants local comp

46 replies

Talou1 · 13/11/2020 12:23

Hi all, my daughter is adamant that she wants to go to the comp. (It is a good school, fab facilities) and her brother goes there. DD is v bright and I think the grammar will be a better fit for her. It also has a rep for being a v nurturing school. The building is q old fashioned and she can't see beyond that, also worries the work will be too hard. I know I have to be the parent and decide for her but it breaks my heart to see her so disappointed and sad. Just wondered if anyone else been in this position and how it panned out? I'm in the tricky position of explaining why grammar is best for her whilst acknowledging that the comp was the best fit for DS. Cheers.

OP posts:

nemeton · 13/11/2020 12:28

Have you not already submitted the preference form? Deadline has passed AFAIAA.

FromageRay · 13/11/2020 12:33

I was in the same position as your daughter. I went to the comprehensive and I'm glad I did. I was top of the class in some subjects where I would have always been middling at grammar. Please don't disregard her views, she needs to be happy at school not forced to be there.

foxesandsquirrels · 13/11/2020 12:44

We were in a similar situation 2 years ago. My DD has SEN and the school all her friends were going to just didn't fit with her needs. She begged me for months to let her go to this school and it was a horrible feeling not letting her. The first week or two was tough, she struggled seeing all her old friends messing around on tiktok in the playground. Her school is much stricter and doesn't allow that. She very quickly settled though and is in Y8 now and wouldn't ever want to change and is extremely happy with lots of friends.
It is a very hard decision, but she is only 10/11 and you know what's best. The good thing is she has a brother there so if things really don't work out she has a high chance of getting a place there.

lovexmaslove · 13/11/2020 12:53

I think you will have already submitted the form? I suppose this year you just have sat an early 11 plus to get the results.

I think listen to your child but yes you make the decision and who knows once she is at the chosen school you have to hope she will make the most of it.

SilkieRabbits · 13/11/2020 13:22

DD did 11 plus, got a grammar place but all her friends were going to the fairly average comp so she wanted to go there. We went with the grammar, academically it was amazing but she hated it. After a year we pulled her out and moved to a different area with a better comp - she was much happier, academically not as good and coasted for 2 years - they put her in wrong sets to start with - but now she's year 10 and predicted 11 x9s. Maybe get her to try the grammar and move if she hates it.

Tissima · 13/11/2020 13:25

We had the same issue. As the comprehensive is a good, in fact technically 'Outstanding' school we left the decision to DC. We gave guidance, the pros and cons and although it was hard choice to make, in the end they chose the comp. I was entirely happy with that choice. Was it the right one? Well, you can never really know that of course. If the comp choice had been poor we would have been much more directive.

Ellovera2 · 13/11/2020 13:30

I had a full free scholarship for an outstanding private school. My mum was so good about it all. I chose the local comp in the end. Of course I'll never know what could have happened but I've no regrets at all. Good pupils will do well in a good school.

fabulousathome · 13/11/2020 13:33

Can you ask her teacher/head teacher what they think? If she's going to struggle at the bottom of a grammar school then she might do better at the other one.

If she's going to be above average at the grammar then maybe you should choose that one.

PresentingPercy · 13/11/2020 14:42

Why would she be at the bottom? That’s simply fear of the unknown. If she is very bright with primary work backing that up, then why would she be bottom at the grammar?

Often grammars have higher quality music and sometimes better after school clubs. Teachers are less stressed due to feee behaviour issues and more engaged pupils. However good a comprehensive is, if there is a grammar nearby, then the top children are missing. You will also have nearly all the tricky children in the comp and that’s always draining of time and resources.

My only thought would be, that if she’s had a huge amount of tutoring to get to the grammar, then the comp could be a better fit. If she’s naturally bright and has passed with minimal tutoring, try and sell the positives of the grammar. Where her sibling goes is irrelevant. They are not the same person.

teachcolate · 13/11/2020 14:49

We were in a similar situation a year ago. DD got in one of the top private school with scholarship but she wanted to go to the same school with her friends. She is very bright and loves music and sports, so we believe that the school is the best fit for her.
We had lots of discussion and made a decision to send her to the top private. Now she is flourish and loves every moment at school with lots of friends. She is glad that she got this opportunity and no regret at all.
Is the local comp oversubscribed? If not, you can move her later if she doesn’t like the grammar.

Meredusoleil · 13/11/2020 15:00

We were in a similar situation in April when dd1 got a grammar school offer from the WL. We turned it down, mainly due to travel time (would have been about 1.5 hours each way), but also because she really couldn't bare the thought of going to a school where she didn't know anyone. We still refused to let her go to the local comp where most of her year group go, but she is at another local one where some of the other kids went. So win win all round imho.

BTW, she too was worried about being bottom of the class at grammar. Even middle would have dented her confidence, as she is usually top! The comp she is at has a good mix of abilities so her confidence hasn't taken a knock, but she's also having to work hard to stay in the top 5% for example 😉

fabulousathome · 13/11/2020 16:18

The reason why someone might be lower down in a grammar than they were expecting, is because they might be top of their primary school but almost all the kids at a grammar school would have been top of their primary school.

Once they are with the super bright (let's call that the top 10% of the population) they might still be top or they might be at the bottom of their class..

Some may have had so much tutoring that their 11+ results were a little better than others that had less or none so they might struggle in a grammar school in spite of getting in.

Of course that is not to say they will achieve more or less in life than someone at a comp anyway.

Just something to think about.

For some children, having been praised constantly at a small Primary school for being bright (which is not praiseworthy anyway), it's a big shock to be seen as normal or even struggling at grammar school.

Dahliafairy · 14/11/2020 13:32

DS went to our local comp - there is a grammar school in the area but he didn’t pass the 11+ (to his teachers surprise) In hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened - ended up in top sets, great GCSE results, amazing A levels, gifted and talented stream, now at a top Uni. His self confidence blossomed through being able to excel at the comprehensive - I personally don’t think he would have made the same progress at the grammar where he probably would have been just ‘average’.

dootball · 14/11/2020 13:37

One thing that has been mentioned here is that some students thrive when they are the best at something, which is true. However there are lots of others who adjust themselves to the level of the group , and whatever set they are in , they just keep themselves at that level so the harder the group the better they become.

rottiemum88 · 14/11/2020 13:42

Personally, I think if she wants to go to the comp then that's where I'd send her. I was in the same position as your DD many years ago and my parents let me make the final decision. I chose the comp as I wanted to stay with my friends primarily.

I was bright and did well, despite the school being no better than average (straight A*s at GCSE and AAB at A-Level). If your daughter is intelligent and wants to learn (and presuming the school isn't dire, because you chose to send your DS there) then she'll still do well. But it sounds like she'll be happier and will feel listened to, instead of potentially resenting you for sending her to a school she doesn't want to attend.

fabulousathome · 14/11/2020 14:15

You can change her school at 6th form as well. Grammar may have places then as some leave to go elsewhere at 16 (or are asked to leave).

LadyCatStark · 14/11/2020 14:33

I don’t know why people are so against being average or bottom of the class in a grammar school. Statistically, 50% of the class will be average or below. DS is towards the bottom of his class in English (he wasn’t tutored and has issues with spelling) but we reiterate to him all the time that even if he’s at the very bottom, he’d still be bottom of the top group of children! He’s already (only started year 7 in Sept) having intervention for English whereas if he was in a comprehensive school, his spelling issues wouldn’t be a priority and he wouldn’t receive any help. He’s doing really well in the rest of his subjects so it’s not like he’s constantly bottom. The work load and homework is astounding though!

00100001 · 14/11/2020 14:37

In theory, a good grammar will spot a tutored student a mile off and not offer the place...

slothtrot · 14/11/2020 14:43

I'd let her choose, she has to be happy with the school she is going to.

SauvignonGrower · 14/11/2020 14:43

My cousin was in this position and refused to follow her sister to the grammar school. She stayed with her friends at the comp, got the same exam results as her sister, and has since been wildly successful in uni and career. I think it was that drive to stick up for herself and forge her own path that has helped her get on in life. Being stubborn and having great friends are quite good qualities to possess in life!

FreyaBarnet · 14/11/2020 14:51

@00100001

In theory, a good grammar will spot a tutored student a mile off and not offer the place...

I think you don't understand how state school admissions work.

lovexmaslove · 15/11/2020 00:19

Also it is becoming rare to not tutor.

For example the state school my child went to did next to nothing during lockdown .. so we got a tutor for once every 2 weeks..

Wooddie · 15/11/2020 01:59

Faced this dilemma. My parents ultimately let me chose, I went to the comp with my friends, was happy and did very well - am determined ! My daughter was in the same situation - local schools poor, we chose to send her away from her friends (she was up for it), proved to be the wrong choice.Stuck it out (not easy to change). Travel, lack of local friends and school approach did not work for her. She dropped out of education at 16, despite being very bright, but has found her own route to happiness and success.

SJaneS48 · 15/11/2020 21:37

@FreyaBarnet agreed, sorry @00100001 but you’d be hard pushed in Kent to find many children at our grammars who hadn’t had either professional tutoring or parental coaching. And on that basis, I’d also disagree with @LadyCatStark’s assertion that somehow these are the ‘top’ group of children. The children from DD’s Primary now at grammars weren’t all top of the class. And comps do pick up on spelling.

I’d agree that a bright child will thrive in both environments. I understand the friendship issue OP but the reality is that while it helps initially, friendship groups do change a lot but I’m sure you know that! DD is in Year 8 at an out of area State on a music place that none of her Primary friends went too, she clung on to her old Primary friends out of school in Year 7 but has now got a separate friendship group. I think I’d be looking at things like what GCSE options there are and after school clubs choices. I’d be inclined to steer her towards the grammar personally but go with your gut.

PresentingPercy · 15/11/2020 22:10

DD went to a senior school where she knew no one. They find friends. Friends then change. Then change again! Clinging on to primary friends is like swimming arm bands. Needed for a bit then you learn how to swim.

Children who expect to be near the top all the time really need help in managing expectations. I don’t think I would allow dc to avoid competition and challenge because they couldn’t be in the top few. That’s wholly unhealthy. Where does it end?

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