DD passed 11plus but wants local comp

[Talou1]

Hi all, my daughter is adamant that she wants to go to the comp. (It is a good school, fab facilities) and her brother goes there. DD is v bright and I think the grammar will be a better fit for her. It also has a rep for being a v nurturing school. The building is q old fashioned and she can't see beyond that, also worries the work will be too hard. I know I have to be the parent and decide for her but it breaks my heart to see her so disappointed and sad. Just wondered if anyone else been in this position and how it panned out? I'm in the tricky position of explaining why grammar is best for her whilst acknowledging that the comp was the best fit for DS. Cheers.

let her choose.
she is the one most affected. and it can't be a bad school else you would not send your son there.
her happiness is at least as important as academia.

When I was that age there was a similar decision and after much agonising, I went with the comp. No regrets, it was really good for me to be at the top of the class as not naturally hugely self-confident. It also meant I had much more time got my hobbies which became really important to me.

I suppose it depends on how far away the Grammar school is.

Both of mine chose the Grammar schools as they were glad to leave behind their classmates that messed about. There is a very strong work ethic that my DC liked.

But our Grammars are local and DC can walk to school. I'm not sure if they'd have wanted a long commute.

None of DD's primary school friends went to the same school as her but she has made new friends. Because the school is local, her friends are local too which is important.

You should choose.
Friendship groups should not be the deciding factor.
Our local comp is large and deliberately mixes the kids from different primaries so they are not with friends. They are actively encouraged to make new friends.

Hello all, this resonates with me so much with an added complication. I teach at a local grammar and my daughter has always dreamed of going there. We are waiting on 11+ results but she has a good chance and would do fine there if she got in.

We also applied for a private place at a top indi (unfortunately a really bad experience with the local comp with our other child otherwise that would be our backup). She is a bit clingy to her friends and would choose the grammar if she could. No one she knows would go there.

To add to it, I have been headhunted by the indi school and basically offered an amazing job. I am very happy with my current job but this is right up my street. If I take the job and she passes, it would make our own home logistics really hard.

I know the decision might be out of hands anyway but it is a dilemma and more twisty bits to it.

Regarding staff and their own children at the same school - it is a very common occurrence at both schools and not an issue so that is not something we are concerned about.

Thank you all 😊

Sorry she wouldn’t know anyone at the indie - it wasn’t clear.

Ps we are more hesitant as we went with our son’s choice before to stay with his friends and it was not a good decision.

Huntington It sounds like you really want the job so I would take it, should be good experience. The schools is more complicated - could your DD not get to the grammar by herself, if its not possible I would not chose that option. If she can - and most children make journeys by themselves for secondary assuming its safe - then I would look very closely at the individual schools. Are your DDs friends local and feasible they could meet up outside school? Do you know children at either school - are they happy (would ask them not the parents) and making good progress. What are the extra curricular activities like? What is pastoral care like? How would you son feel about your daughter going private which presumably comes at a cost which was presumably not offered to him?

I would vere towards the private but we had a bad experience at grammar, pastoral care was non-existant and very limited extra curricular activities - all work and no play and kids came from far and wide so friendships were very volatile unlike at primary and the comp which are both very local. The private school children we saw had so much more confidence. We ruled it out in the end due to cost of putting 2 through but it looked a far superior option to our grammar. But it will vary by school.

I'm in Kent in an area where about 30% get into a grammar. Most people tutor not just to get into the grammar but to avoid the alternatives! If my daughter fails the 11+ and doesn't get into our nearest secondary modern she's like to end up at a school where less than 10% get a C/4 in English and Maths GCSE. Pretty sure we'll get her a tutor and as the grammar isn't just the academically elite top 2%/5%/10% it shouldn't be crazily hard to keep up.

So I'd say it depends on the area and the individual school.

I think the opinion of a child who will be a nearly 12 at the time of starting her new school should be a really significant factor in your decision.

Of course you get the last say - and if she was 50:50 about which she preferred, you get the casting vote.

It's not that one school would be inappropriate and the other much better suited - the only real advantage here is the selectiveness of the grammar, as the other school is very good, has great facilities etc.

Tbh if it were my child it would be 100% her choice in this situation.

@SilkieRabbits

Huntington It sounds like you really want the job so I would take it, should be good experience. The schools is more complicated - could your DD not get to the grammar by herself, if its not possible I would not chose that option. If she can - and most children make journeys by themselves for secondary assuming its safe - then I would look very closely at the individual schools. Are your DDs friends local and feasible they could meet up outside school? Do you know children at either school - are they happy (would ask them not the parents) and making good progress. What are the extra curricular activities like? What is pastoral care like? How would you son feel about your daughter going private which presumably comes at a cost which was presumably not offered to him?

I would vere towards the private but we had a bad experience at grammar, pastoral care was non-existant and very limited extra curricular activities - all work and no play and kids came from far and wide so friendships were very volatile unlike at primary and the comp which are both very local. The private school children we saw had so much more confidence. We ruled it out in the end due to cost of putting 2 through but it looked a far superior option to our grammar. But it will vary by school.

Thank you for replying. Yes I like the new job and yes she could go to the grammar alone. Although I am being sentimental- I have been at current school 17 years and love it - it would be great to be here with dd here too but also mindful of her branching out alone. If her friends pass, they will all come here.

Thanks for thinking of our son. He did not pass but had a place at a different private . He chose the comp and he is now at the private so no issues there. Our dd could go to his private which is more local but the other would be much better suited to her personality.

Really appreciate your views.

@Mistigri

I think the opinion of a child who will be a nearly 12 at the time of starting her new school should be a really significant factor in your decision.

Of course you get the last say - and if she was 50:50 about which she preferred, you get the casting vote.

It's not that one school would be inappropriate and the other much better suited - the only real advantage here is the selectiveness of the grammar, as the other school is very good, has great facilities etc.

Tbh if it were my child it would be 100% her choice in this situation.

This is really true. If she has choice of both (we find out in two weeks), either would be excellent.

One misgiving is that she does tend to follow the herd (and has a controlling friend who could end up at the grammar) and putting her into the private would force her to be apart during the school day. Controlling friend would not go to this private. Not a deciding factor but a consideration.

We had friends with three sons. Two went to a prestigious private school. The third was accepted but refused to go as he was tired of being compared to his brothers. He went to the local comp and did just as well and went on to earn a lot more than the other two. Most importantly, he was happy.

At 12 I sat a scholarship for a private girls school and got it, but I had only done the exam on the agreement I could choose. I chose to stay at my state secondary.
I did well at gcses, but I think think the private school would have been more aspirational, and perhaps pushed me more....
I am happy with my choice though and I may have resented my Mum if she had made me go to the private school...

What are the other differences between the two schools? Which one is closer? Will one facilitate local friendships and the other not? Why do you think a bright child will not be well served by the comprehensive your DS goes to?

DD1 passed the 11+ and had a guaranteed place at the grammar school she'd always said she wanted to go to. When it came to decision time, she chose the very good, local comprehensive she could walk to because she wanted more time to be able to do her own thing. She was the only one from her primary school who went there. She's in Y11 now and we've not regretted allowing her to choose the comprehensive. In addition to it being a lovely, nurturing school, she can walk to school, pop home between the end of the day and start of concerts etc. and has local friends. Lockdown brought home just how important this was; on daily walks/cycle rides she could walk past friends' homes and chat to them from the pavement whereas those who'd chosen schools further afield didn't have that option.

My brother did the entrance exam' 'ust to see how you do' to a single sex private school and got a full scholarship (in the days of Direct Grant).
He didn't want to leave his friends but was persuaded to try it for a year. At the end of the year he said he wanted to leave but our parents pointed out he was doing well academically (top half of the class), enjoying all the sport (in first teams) and had lots of friends.
All true, and he stayed right through sixth form but still says he would much rather have been at the local school - both boy and girl friends, less academic pressure, less travelling, opportunity to play football.
Listen to her.

Staff at independent schools usually get generous staff discounts for dc. That’s a big pay bonus and everyone I know loves that! So dc usually go where parent teaches.

We turned down a grammar for dd. We preferred the independent. As I said, no friends when she started.

Not one of DDs former primary friends is doing as well as her. Not one of the grammar ones. They mostly lack ambition. They were all happy to stay together but DD was totally happy about going to her independent school too. It was much smaller. It allowed lots of DDs to take part in what they were interested in and she loved it. If we didn’t have the money, it would have been the grammar. DC can flourish in the right school for them and friends are made.

My DD had loads of male friends! Brothers of DDs at school!

I’d ask her to try the grammar. If she doesn’t settle, you can go on a waiting list at the comp.

I'd wait and see what she is offered on National Allocation Day. Our 2 passed the 11+ but we're out of area and didn't make it due to numbers closer to the school.

Your local grammar sounds like Sir William Borlase. If it is, than yes it’s very nurturing and would recommend.