Did you let your child pick which school they wanted?

[FifteenFluffyBunnies]

Who choose your child’s secondary school preferences? You or your child?
My child doesn’t want to go to the school I think would give him the best options for the future (School A). He very much wants to go to a different school which is good but doesn’t get as good results and doesn’t have the same range of academic subjects available (School B). He really wants to go to this particular school because it has a cadet force he is very interested in (and has always wanted a career in this area). It’s also a much smaller school. But it’s 10 miles away and we would need to move house to get him on the bus route.

However, we would also need to move house to get into School A, as we are about a mile outside the area you need to be to get a place, although we wouldn’t need to move as far and the move would put me nearer to work (but the house would be smaller as more expensive). Our nearest school is not an option. It’s results are shockingly bad.

Not sure which option would be best and whether I should just go with the school my son thinks he would prefer, after all he is the one that has to go to the school.

I remember my parents wouldn’t let me go to the school I wanted. They over ruled and forced me to attend a school I didn’t want to go to. Although as an adult I can see why they made that choice and perhaps they were right.

Thought not though!

My eldest feels he made the choice himself. However he luckily didn't like the one I really didn't, & was quite easy to lead into the righ decision as first choice 😉😂. I was quite relaxed about which way he choose for 2nd and 3rd choice as both would have been OK.

My next child will be more of a challenge as he is more strong willed & concerned with staying in friendship groups. So we might have to be more heavy handed. I'm hoping he just wants to go where sibling is.

A friend of mine who’ DS wanted to go a different school to her and her DHs preference told a white lie to her DS and told him she’d put his preference first on the application when in reality she didn’t put it on at all. When they got their offer (her & DHs preferred choice) they sat DS down and said ‘really sorry, not what you wanted but this is what we’ve been given by the county council’. He was a bit disappointed but got over it. It was a bit sneaky but he accepted it more as an official decision.

Yes I do think that your son should be allowed to choose....within reason. My parents sent me to a school that I did not want to go to . I had been offered a place at grammar school but parents sent me to a convent !!I told them that I would never work and I didn’t.Absolutely hated it there . It was because I was made to go there and my wishes were ignored!!Ironically I would have done so much better at the state school because it was more academic.

I'm struggling with this at the moment. My Dd is in Year 6. I believe she is capable of passing and coping with the grammar school tests but she is adamant she doesn't want to do them.
However of the non-grammar schools I am again torn. There are 2 schools we like. One near but we are borderline catchment, the other a 45 minute bus journey away but easy as bus passes close by. Dd prefers the near one, as parents we prefer the other one.
It's a dilemma!!

While I do get where the PPs who say not being allowed to go to their preferred school affected them are coming from, I’d also add that it may not be all roses and chocolates if you do give DC the choice. We let eldest DD choose her sixth form college. We didn’t think it was a good choice at all and tried to gently steer her towards others but she stuck firm.

Ten years down the road she freely admits it wasn’t a great choice & she went for the wrong reasons.

Yeah, a house move right now would be very stressful. We would certainly be able to sign a contract on a new place by Oct 31st even if we are not quite fully moved in. But the only houses available now are quite small and it would be cramped. I’d be prepared to make the sacrifice in order to get him into the school I want (we would look to move to a larger property after a year) but I’m wondering if it’s worth all the hassle for a school that he doesn’t actually want to go to.

Taking the school I want out of the equation the rest of the options are in many ways much the same as each other.

Sounds like you are leaning towards School B? For me it would depend on performance - you say School B’s aren’t quite as good. If that means under national and county averages then I’d discount them but if they are still above but not as high as A then it’s not going to be disastrous?

No. A ten year old cannot understand the complexities. It’s a parent’s job to make decisions but with some consideration of the child’s preferences.

DS1 was given a choice but told we would make the ultimate decision if we felt he'd chosen the wrong option. He chose well!

DS2 just wanted to go to the same school as his friends which also happened to be our favoured school

These are the results for grade 5 or above in English and Maths. School C is the school nearest to us and where we are most likely to be allocated. School B is the one my son wants to go to and it looks like it is below national average, it’s a rural location and so is not oversubscribed, we would most likely get a place if we preference it, but we’d need to move before September to be on the bus route. School A is obviously a better choice when looking at results but is massively oversubscribed we wouldn’t get a place unless we move nearer or have a successful appeal. I just don’t know what to do.

School C at 2% (Jesus!) would be an absolute no way, no go for me. School B if it was on the National
Average I’d consider it but marginally below, personally it would be a no and I’d be going full out for A. That’s just me though! My DD is bright but lazy and I think works to the peer norm - she wouldn’t be the exception in a poorly performing school!

My elder 2 were in agreement with our preference but my youngest wanted to go somewhere else. We did listen to him but in the end over ruled him as whilst we recognised what he was saying in favour of the alternative was in fact true, there were major disadvantages which at that age, he just couldn't see. He was fixated on one subject - his favourite - and was quite right in that the provision for that subject was, at the time, superior. But that was the only plus point really. One thing we did that helped him understand a bit was to look at University entry requirements for his desired subject and show him what kinds of grades he would be expected to get in other subjects, not just the one, in order to get into the kind of courses he was expressing an interest in. Of course I had no idea at the time whether that interest would be sustained (he is 15 now and so far it has been) but I think it helped for him to feel that we were taking him seriously and not just saying "You're too young and it is our decision". Maybe a similar approach might help your DS OP?

If he wants the Army or similar via the Cadets, they aren’t that bothered about A levels unless you are officer material. If you want something higher in the Army, they do recruit after degrees. So check out what he needs to do. I’m amazed you have left it so
Late to make decisions about schools and moving house. You knew what schools were on offer back in the summer. If he’s likely to be happiest at the “cadet school” I’d probably let him go but make sure you will be able to meet the residence criteria.

I let my DDs choose their school but tbh it was only because they passed the 11+ and both options were equally good. However I picked DSs school as his first choice ( based on friends) had a bad ofsted report so i picked his school, which he later admitted was the better choice.
So if the schools are roughly equal and are practical to get to then I would let them choose.
In your situation they both sound like good schools but if you need to move to get into them Im not sure how practical either of them are , also bare in mind that school ratings / exam results can change dramatically in the 5 years that your child is there for.

No, not the final say. Actually I think it’s very unfair to put that ultimate decision on the shoulders of an 10/11 year old. Dispute what they think they want, a 10 year old just doesn’t have enough life experience to see the bigger long term picture

I don’t know. My mum wanted to send me to a private secondary, I insisted on going to the shitty secondary (not being a snob it was actually awful) and in hindsight she was very right.

My dd has been adamant she wants to go to the school all her friends are going to. This is my second choice.

My first choice nobody from her school will go. But is an outstanding school. And i think would be a better fit on size and attitude.

If she gets in to my choice 1, im sure we will have tears for months.

I'm letting my son choose!

His Dad wants grammar, DS wants a huge mixed school and I wanted a smaller mixed school!

@TracyMosby - it’s worth remembering that friendship groups do change a lot in the teenage years. DD now Year 8 didn’t go to the same school as any of her Primary school - I can’t say she didn’t mind this as she did and very much missed her two Primary best mates. They both went to a Grammar and DH was given a lot of sulks as he wouldn’t let her take the 11+ (he has strong political views on this).

However, the friendships have lasted as they regularly see each other out of school and at Scouts. Now they’re all Year 8, they’re all seeing more of school friends and naturally moving on.

My eldest DD (now 26) did go to the same school as her Primary friends. Good at first but 2/3 years in they had all including DD moved on to other groups.

Basically, it’s hard at first for them but honestly teenage friendships are really fluid! I really wouldn’t make an important decision based on where everyone else in going.

Let him go to the cadet school. As parents we can try and guide them as much as possibly but ultimately it’s them that has to have the drive for it.

We had dramas about dd1 not wanting to college or uni. Caused huge fall outs. However she got herself an apprenticeship worked her way up and now travels the world for her career.

If your child has a seed of an idea what he would enjoy doing let him go for it. A child wanting to go to school is not to be overlooked.

Eldest child had no choice as it was the only suitable specialist school devoted to his additional needs but youngest was given a limited choice. It was heavily influenced by one being all girls with better facilities and the other being mixed but 90% boys

You need more information - how often is cadets, are there any cadets unassiciated with a school, can you hover at the school to see how kids behave ( I had to visit the headteacher of my DDs school once -many moons ago- and noticed the kids all smiling and laughing as they changed classes, teens were mor trying to look cool or edgy at my former school). What does he want to do in the army - what quals do they want. Are recruitment offices still around? what do they advise.

If A was a viable option I would go A.

But honestly it doesnt look like it particularly is OP. All that for a school that doesnt suit him

Do you have other children? Could you move for somewhere on the B bus route that gives you A?

Yes for both of mine. I thought they are the ones who will be attending this school for x years, so they chose (and in both cases it worked out fine).