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Secondary education

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Original poster

Should I move my DD in Y9

33 replies

Dinnerisburnt · 27/09/2020 00:54

Before lockdown my DD fell out with her friendship group in Y8. She remained friends with 1 out of a group of 6. Became very isolated during lockdown and was refusing to go back to school in September. I filled out an in year transfer form for her to change to another school in our town which she wanted to go to. She got put on the waiting list and we talked through the issues at her current school with her HOY. We agreed between us that she would move forms to be with her remaining 1 friend. Since she has gone back she has not been happy going to school, feels very isolated and has only the one friend left. She feels her entire year group dislike her and there is no way out of the situation.

Friday I get a call from the school we applied to to offer her a place, we have a meeting arranged for Monday morning at the new school to meet the head teacher.

Her current school is OFSTED outstanding, church school with no real catchment area, basically you go to church to get a place.

New school is OFSTED good, in a nearby housing estate about a mile from her current school.

My husband doesn’t want her to move, she does, I just want her to be happy but am apprehensive of her leaving her current school and effectively running away from sorting out friendship issues.

Her reasons for wanting to move is that her only friend she has left has also fallen out with most people in her year group and everyone hates the two of them. She feels very lonely and just wants a fresh start.

How difficult is it to integrate into a new school in Y9? She is friends with one other child at the school we applied for.

I am going round in circles with agreeing with her to move or going with my husband who is adamant she is not moving schools. He is offering to pay fees and move her to an independent school if she is that unhappy, but she doesn’t want that and will literally not know anyone so would rather stay at current school and be unhappy.

We live in an isolated area and she doesn’t see many other children her own age apart from her out of school hobby which she goes to twice a week.

My head is fried from thinking about it all.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Malmontar · 27/09/2020 01:32

What makes you think the same thing won't happen at the new school? Is she is isolated now, will the move mean she's closer to the other school? Sounds like the other school has a v different intake and she may be underestimating how big of a change it will be.
Y8-9 is a very tough time for girls and friendships. I personally would leave her where she is.

Original poster
Dinnerisburnt · 27/09/2020 09:08

The school is a little bit further away, I would have to do two drop offs as eldest DD will stay at current school, she is happy.

I am worried the same will happen again, and worried about the dynamics of the catchment area that she would be mixing with. Trying not to sound snobby about it. Most children that attend the option school live locally.

OP posts:
Handbaghag · 27/09/2020 09:12

Has she got friends at the other school?

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2020 09:16

I can see all the reasons for her moving - what is your husbands objection to not moving to this school. It cant be moving schools if he is willing to pay fees? is it the catchment area

Listen to her and what she wants. She is unhappy and (even though I suspect incorrectly) feels like everyone hates her. She can do with a new start

And why 2 drop offs? These are secondary school children who should make their own way

And the isolation can be worked on as well

Glendaruel · 27/09/2020 09:40

I moved schools at the beginning of yr 10 due to us moving house from a rural area to a town. The school catchment was completely different. It was terrible and had real impact on my studies and mental health. The school I moved to, pupils joined in yr 7 and stayed there, friendships were made early on and children saw no need to accept new people into their group. Some schools see their intake changing, especially if there is an employer in the area who moved their staff around the country. Children in those schools can be more accepting and understanding of including the new person. it
Added to this, she currently has teachers around her that know her and what stage she is at. When you move, you might not be in the right set or the class is ahead or behind you in an area of work. At this stage that can really impact gcses. I ended up at least a grade lower than expected in yr 9 and dropped out of a levels.

The danger is that it doesn't solve anything, in fact it makes it worse if she is not accepted and becomes further isolated. I would talk it over with current school. It might be that lockdown has got in the way of a natural healing within the friendship group.

PheasantPlucker1 · 27/09/2020 10:01

Let her move.

I wouldnt stay in a job I was desperatly unhappy in, why should a child be made too? Sometimes a fresh start is needed.

If she stays the problems may be sorted, however there is also the chance it will escalate and she starts refusing to go, which is a nightnare in GCSE years.

MsKeats · 27/09/2020 10:02

Let her move

JellyBert · 27/09/2020 10:07

I had to move schools in year 9 and it was awful, never really settled in properly & felt I didn’t fit in both friendship groups (old & new) so personally it wasn’t great. However, as she is adamant she wants to move & doesn’t have strong friendships in her previous school, it doesn’t sound like that side would be so much of an issue. If she wants to move then I would let her but the most important thing is that she knuckles down with her studies! Which is what I did so in hindsight it was good to move in that regard.

Malmontar · 27/09/2020 10:07

Yh I agree with PP that lockdown has probably made things worse. Normally these things heal overtime. Lots of kids are having problems with this. As for the intake, you don't sound snobby, this is a huge thing and don't underestimate the fact that she may well be seen as a snobby girl coming from the snobby school which together with her now battered self esteem, would make things even harder.
Kids are cruel. I would only change if she already had an established friendship group at the other school and that's who she met up with.
Contact her tutor and explain the situation.

NotDonna · 27/09/2020 10:11

You say she has hobbies twice a week outside school. Why have no friends materialised from this? Does she find social interactions difficult? Moving school may be the right decision but she may also need a different type of help.

MinesAPintOfTea · 27/09/2020 10:16

If as an adult she is in a situation where she feels lonely and unsupported, what do you want her to do? Stay put beyond a 6 month wait to see if things improve, or change her life?

Original poster
Dinnerisburnt · 27/09/2020 10:21

Her hobby is quite specialised and her club is 30 miles away, she only joined that one year ago, and she does have friends there. Her best friend from the hobby (who also moved from her previous club and lives locally) goes to the school she wants to move to. She is friends with this girls friends also and has a good relationship with them, they are all keen for her to move.

She doesn’t have issues making friends, the fallout at the current school started in March and never got resolved due to lockdown and continued via social media during April, May and June. School have tried to resolve it, but too much damage has been done. Hence the change of form as a solution to get her back to school in September.

If this school place was being offered in another 3 months then the decision would be easier as she would have had longer to settle back in.

I drive my kids to school as there is no public transport available from where we live.

Thanks for the replies so far, I really appreciate the different views.

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 27/09/2020 10:28

I work in secondary. It is hard integrating in year 9, but not impossible. The important thing is that she feels she has some agency. So by saying she can’t move you’re making her powerless, and that’s never good. Let her go, she will find it hard, but as it’s her decision you may find she makes it work.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/09/2020 10:40

My husband doesn’t want her to move, she does, I just want her to be happy but am apprehensive of her leaving her current school and effectively running away from sorting out friendship issues

Why would it be running away?

The friendship issues have been sorted. No one likes her and her 1 friend.
So why not move to a school where she does have friends.

I feel sorry for the girl left behind.

If you leave her in the school that she is struggling in and doesn’t want to go to what exactly are you thinking will be achieved.

Original poster
Dinnerisburnt · 27/09/2020 10:43

@Oliversmumsarmy

I have spoken to the other girls mum, she is also looking at a possible move at the end of this term.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 27/09/2020 11:21

If that is the case then I can’t see why you think your dd would be ok in a year group where everyone hated her.

Move her.

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2020 11:25

I am not really sure then what the problem is about moving?

Branleuse · 27/09/2020 11:32

Maybe if they both moved together? Its a tricky one

RedskyAtnight · 27/09/2020 12:22

I was going to say that if your daughter is that unhappy, she should have the chance to move and make a fresh start. Yes, Year 9 is a tough time to make new friendships, but I guess that applies equally to current school and to any new one.

However, if she was that unhappy that she just wanted a fresh start, I don't understand why she is refusing to move to an independent school. I am wondering if she is thinking that she will move to new school where she has one friend, they will spend lots of time together and it will be brilliant. Whereas the reality might be that she doesn't see the friend in school at all ... and it's no better than going to a school where she doesn't know anyone. I'd also be wary of moving to a school that is further away when it sounds like you are already geographically isolated. As you've found out, friendships over social media are a very different beast to face to face friendships. If all her new school friends live the other side of school, how much driving round/facilitating of friendships are you willing to do?

Also, how big is her current school? Unless it's quite small I suspect that most of her year won't even know who she is except as a name!

Malmontar · 27/09/2020 13:01

@RedskyAtnight i agree with you. I think she may be thinking that it'll be brilliant because she has a couple of mates. Reality is she could easily be at the other end of the year to her friends and never see them. With covid a lot of schools are keeping all KS3 lessons within tutor groups. She'll be miserable if that's the case.
Have you tried to sort this out with the current school? What support have they offered? Have you told them you are thinking seriously about moving? It seems counterproductive to move her somewhere even further.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/09/2020 13:19

I hated my school and pleaded with my mother to go to a different school.

Her attitude was exactly the same as yours. Don’t run away from your problems.

I ended up bunking off and not turning up to school because I hated it so much.

I came out with no qualifications.

It did teach me that if you have a problem that can be solved by running away then I run.

Why are you even thinking that not changing schools is going to solve anything

Her only friend is leaving at the end of the term. What will school be like in January if she is then on her own?

Fwiw dds best friend didn’t start the school dd was in till half way through yr 9 and dd and her were friends from the start.

More than likely she will have friends and be a lot happier in the new school than being on her own in a school where everyone hates her.

Even if she doesn’t make a single friend in the new school she isn’t going to be hated

Constanttaxiservice · 27/09/2020 13:32

I would move her. In my experience giving your child agency at this age is key. If she is unhappy, she will not learn. And what happens if you turn down this place and the other girl goes?

Runnerduck34 · 27/09/2020 13:56

If she has good friends in the new school already it makes decision so much easier and I would let her change schools, if she didnt know anyone it would be a much more difficult decision to make.
speak to new school ,see if she can be in same form as some of her friends,also some schools will work together and allow a pupil to have a trial week at the new school so ask about that.
Going to a school where you feel unliked and isolated is really damaging for your self esteem. I feel for the friend she may be leaving behind .

Original poster
Dinnerisburnt · 27/09/2020 14:28

She has already had a day off sick with a ‘cold’ which was probably she didn’t want to go.

New school are aware of her friendship and have said they would put her in the same form. They are miles apart in ability so wouldn’t be together all the time. GSCE options are chosen in both schools in February next year, so it’s now or never. It would give her the chance to ease into a new school with a friend to sit with at lunch etc whilst she finds her feet.

I have emailed her head of year and form tutor asking for a meeting/discussion which may help our final decision.

It is a similar sized school to her current one, which is small.

Thanks so much everyone, really helpful to hear from those that stayed at a school they hated. I know how unhappy she is, and ultimately want to make the right decision with this in mind. Wish her dad would actually listen to her rather than burying his head in the sand.

OP posts:
dancingbadger · 27/09/2020 14:33

I would reconsider the independent school, lots have a big new intake at year 9 so she wouldn't be the only new comer or viewed as different. In my ds school they add 2 extra classes in year 9 and all integrate well.