What's life like when your kids go to private school?

[redjumper]

My 3 children are only young at the moment, at a state primary school. I'm just thinking about the future, we are thinking about private schooling from year 7 in York.

Some of the things on my mind are how they'll manage with the long school day - 8.30 to 5.30 with a 45 minute commute too, plus school on Saturday. Will they be away from home too long?
But on the other hand, the long holidays as it looks like they are basically off school for 4 months in the year. What do they do with themselves all that time?

It's hard to picture what life will be like, especially as they are only young at the moment so very reliant on me still. I guess I'm worried that the separation will be hard for us both but then maybe I've not got a realistic view of life with teenagers anyway. Any thoughts would be really helpful, thank you.

Op, if you’re thinking of Bootham, then message me and I’ll give you some info.

It is a cliche but horses for courses! What suits some won’t suit others.

My children’s school is more set up as boarding with day, so that influences the structure a lot. The earliest the day can end is 5 but can go as late as 9.30 (or 10.30 on a Friday). My kids choose to stay for dinner and prep (like the majority) so all their socialising is during the school day. Home is just where they sleep!

We do have Saturdays, but more relaxed activities in the morning then matches in the afternoon. Sunday is a day off at home. There are exeats once a half term and longer holidays.

It suits them brilliantly (we miss seeing them a lot more than they miss us!)

If you are looking in York and have any girls, The Mount does not have Saturday school at all!

Op, if you’re considering independent then consider the school, as a fit for your child(ren) regardless of whether there is Sat school or not. Would rather do Sat school and the school be right rather than the other way round.

Sounds like Bootham or St Peter's? Queen Margarets? For us our DDs adapted well and the longer days really have given me back so much freedom to live my own life. Once home there is prep and that brings additional space with them in rooms. You won't ever regret private. The teaching is in a different league to comprehensives as is sport, co-curricular and pastoral. High expectations too motivate our DD's. Please opt for private - the benefits I promise are overwhelming in comparison with any state school.

Both my children are at private schools.
Yes, the days can be long, especially if you don't live near the school - mind are out of the house just after 7am and my D'S gets home at just before 6pm on a couple of days a week, as the school buses stay behind to allow for after school activities.
Add in homework and things like music practice and there's not much time for socialising during the week.

We've never encountered snobbery (we're at the low end, financially) and both DC really like their schools and have very eclectic friendship groups.I

If you live near York, have you considered Fulford? Both my nephews go there, and the older one is applying to Cambridge this year - it seems to be an excellent school.

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DS leaves the house at 7.45am for the school bus and returns at 4.45pm. It's a bit tiring at the start but they soon get into the swing of it. School does an assembly on the health benefits of a good sleep routine. I was surprised how little homework was set in yrs 7&8, there was a timetable for it but it was often finish something if not finished in class. The longer day does make it easier if you have two working parents.

DS's is a day school so no Saturday school but sport fixtures most Saturdays especially lower down the school where they have teams for all abilities. DS social life has ended up revolving around sport in school and outside but it's been good and full of fun. The long holidays are now filled coaching primary age children at his sports club.

@RosieBenenden

Sounds like Bootham or St Peter's? Queen Margarets? For us our DDs adapted well and the longer days really have given me back so much freedom to live my own life. Once home there is prep and that brings additional space with them in rooms. You won't ever regret private. The teaching is in a different league to comprehensives as is sport, co-curricular and pastoral. High expectations too motivate our DD's. Please opt for private - the benefits I promise are overwhelming in comparison with any state school.

'I promise'

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Everything is so helpful. Yes it's St Peters and Bootham we're looking at. We have boys and a girl and I'm assuming we'd have them all at the same school rather than our daughter go to one of the girls schools in York. I don't know why, I just assumed that's how we'd do it. We do have some good state schools around us so we are in two minds about whether the cost of private school is worth it so its good to hear people's thoughts on that.
I expect their primary school friends will mainly be going to the state school. What is it like sending your child to a different school to their friends? My husband went to private school, he hated being separated from his friends at the time but thinks it was a great decision now so is very keen on private school for ours.

Both my 2 went Private at Secondary with no friends there from their State Primary. DD did find it a bit hard as sone of her classmates had been there since age 3 and had very firm friendships but by Y8 it didn’t matter. DS starts in September and there is another boy from his Primary going, the school has put them both in the same class.
Private schools are used to the kids coming from a variety of schools so are usually pretty good at transition and helping with friendships

To answer your last point from the other child’s perspective, once a child from our village went to private school that was the end of the friendship. They never had time to hang out regularly or go to guides etc.

Others stayed at the state school but got private tutors, and they were much easier to maintain friendships with.

We have decided against private partly because my eldest has such good friendships locally and I’d hate him to lose the independence of popping out to see his friends.

My ds started private school for year 7 and I moved him to the local state school halfway through year 8 and he’s been so much happier and actually achieved more academically too (about to go into year 10). This is probably partly due to being happier overall as well as having great teachers.

Pp’s make lots of valid points which were all reasons why we moved him. He found the long day hard work along with the hour and a half of homework every night. Lots of pressure, lots of stress. No local friends. Anyone he wanted to see was at a least a half an hour drive away. He actually had some really nice friends there but the school overall was not particularly nurturing and didn’t seem to care when we told them he was having confidence issues (caused by the stress and pressure).

I also don’t think you get better teachers at private school than state school. His teachers at state school have all seemed fantastic and I’ve been really impressed with the school as a whole too. Admittedly it is a well regarded state secondary. I think, with hindsight, I’m of the opinion that if your state options are not great then private school may be worth it but if you have good state options anyway then you have to ask yourself how much value you are actually getting out of it in comparison. And of course also consider the long day/distance/pressure/lack of local friendships etc.

Dd attended a day school from yr7, the school bus used to pick her up at 7.20 and drop her back off at 4.20. There was a later drop-off at 6 for any after school activities.

She boarded (at a different school) for sixth form, Saturday morning lessons were compulsory but she had lots of free study periods through the week. Also compulsory prep M-F from 7-9pm.

The friendship issue has been a thing with our DC.
All the local children go to the local state school, whereas DC’s schools are 35 minutes away and draw children from a very wide area.
Because of this, DS hasn’t seen a single friend face-to-face since lockdown; he has plenty of friends but the distance means they don’t hang around casually together ever.

It does have its advantages - social stuff is organised in advance, and I don’t have to navigate my DCs disappearing after to school to hang out at random friends’ houses.

Mine had what looked like a long day but included 1.5 hours for lunch do clubs/sports/prep could be done then. State schools usually have very short lunch times so as to finish very early- disadvantage f early finish time is DC unsupervised at home till working parents arrive (even that does not affect you, would mean DC friends might be on the games consoles etc at that time. Hols brilliant -ours broke up several weeks before state in summer for example so much cheaper hols snd less crowded.

I'm really torn actually, when people said about losing local friends it really made me doubt private school. I have happy memories of hours on end of playing out with friends in the village after school and I would love that for my children but I have a feeling that's not really how teenagers lives are now anyway.
Then to think about the long holidays at private school and all the freedom that comes then is appealing.
I'm not too worried about Saturday school now because it looks like they never do more than 3 in a row before an exeat weekend or holiday.
The long days don't seem too concerning either now as there are plenty of breaks and activity sessions in it and I'd rather them be at school doing activities till 4.30 than home alone on their phones.
Could anyone give me an idea of how much their children's opinions come into the decision at the time? I have a feeling my DCs will want to go to state school with their friends from primary school. Have you had to pursuade your DCs or were they excited about their private schools?

They don't lose local friends if they are actually friends. DS3 now currently in Newquay with primary friends (ie before they all went to separate indie secondaries.)

DDs Private School is very close and she has friends who she walks to school with. It’s not always the case though

I think the friends thing depends on your local set up. Yes, DS's secondary friends are spread a bit further afield than his friends at state would have been, but not by that much. Of his village primary friends who live in walking distance, almost none went to the same schools as each other (it's a grammar area so there are masses of different school options) and none of the secondaries are in walking distance. So seeing friends from secondary would always have meant a trip in the car. He does still see his primary friends, and I think it's actually really nice for him (and all of them) to have friends they're not at school with. It might be different though if we lived in the kind of area where everyone goes to the same school and your child is the only one who's different.

As for choosing, the school was DS's preference as well as ours. It was always going to be our decision ultimately, but if he'd had strong feelings against the independent then I think we might have been swayed by that, particularly as we had a good state option. Now he's there he loves his school and has never expressed any regrets. But if course he may well have been just as happy at the state option - we'll never know.

We chose the school based on the best fit for them, rather than whether it was private or state.

The school is in an urban location with good transport links so has a wide catchment, albeit filtered by passing the exam first.

Not having local friends is a pain for us, but our DC doesn't mind as they were up for making new friends after their small primary school. We do have to pick them up constantly from friends houses, but where possible make them get the train or bus. Also the school sports fields are a 30min drive away. Saturday morning sport is obligatory.

It's the one downside to our choice of school, but the benefits (in terms of fit for our DC - it ticks all the boxes) outweigh this pain.

I also meant to say that, whilst play dates etc are a pain, the journey to and from school is no problem. Because of the great transport links, the journey is actually easier and quicker than many state schools that were closer to us 'as the crow flies'. That hasn't been a problem at all. And it was also a big consideration in our choice. Don't underestimate the importance of the journey to school. Also for school events, parents evening etc.

One of the things that I think you don’t truly appreciate until you have high school age kids is how different the high schools all are and how different schools suit different teens. With young children you won’t know the right school for them until they are older. I would put their names down at one of two privates and make your decision closer to the time.
My twins both passed their 11plus and had a choice of an exceptional grammar 10mins from us or another exceptional grammar a 30min bus ride away. My son choose the local grammar as he likes walking to school with his friends and my daughter choose the grammar weigh a bus ride despite it adding over an hour to her day. Unfort this grammar was an exam sweat shop so we gave her the choice of going to the same grammar as her brother or a private school a 45min bus ride away. She choose the private school and is very happy there. She leaves at 7.20am and gets back at 5.15pm, while her brother leaves at 8.20am and gets back at 3.50pm. So her day is almost 2.5hrs longer than his and she also gets a lot more homework than he does even though he’s at grammar...and yet she is happy. She could have sat the 13 plus to get into his grammar school but she didn’t want to. My son on the other hand hates the idea of travelling on a bus to school - the hours of a private school would exhaust him. I think just put their names down at your school of choice but decide closer to the time.

No Saturday school at my children's school but there are sports fixtures and play rehearsals etc.
He was the ONLY child from his state primary to go this school but quite honestly I was glad. It gave him an opportunity to expand his friendship group, he's met loads of new children and made a lot of friends very quickly whereas all the children from his primary still all meet up and play together. They don't seem to have formed any new friendships at all. Making friends is a vital skill to have and one you need to use all your life.
I think you need to forget your own childhood memories in all this, regardless of school, teenagers just don't interact in the way we used to anymore.
My son walks to his school, so no long commute and personally, I'm glad the day is full and busy, I don't want him hanging round with nothing to do every night, I'd much rather he was playing cricket/swimming/STEM club etc with his friends after school.

A bit biased because I have always taught at state schools, but if access to Oxbridge and Russell Group universities is what you are after, state schools are the way to go. There is so much emphasis on widening inclusion and encouraging students from arrange of backgrounds these days and that is only going to increase. My two both went to Oxbridge from a state comp as did lots of their friends. I think I am right in saying that York Uni has an arrangement with York Sixth forms to encourage local disadvantaged students to apply. There is a desire to attract talented students from the state sector and increase the proportion of students from comprehensives.