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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

I think I chose the wrong secondary school for my son

35 replies

Mumma331 · 06/07/2020 18:33

Hi all,

I am having a complete wobble about the secondary school my son will be going to.

We moved to a new area a couple of years ago but I kept my son in the same junior school in our old area as he is happy there and it is also near my work/grandparents.

The secondary school we have chosen is closer to home, but still a school bus journey away. We both loved it when viewing it but my son will not know anyone at all nor the area and I just feel so sick about it and keep getting so tearful.

My son has a very large group of friends who are all going to the feeder high school to his current junior school. The only issue would have been it’s not near to our house and is he would need to rely on me for the next 7 or so years to drive him there and back as it’s impossible to get to and from by public transport from where we live but at least he would have all of his friends. I have added him to the waiting list of this school as a back up.

Has anyone also had a wobble about their school choices?

Sorry I know I need to get a grip I think I am also so sad that he is growing up and leaving such an amazing school and the friends he has grown up with over these years Sad

OP posts:
StrawberryPea · 06/07/2020 18:41

My DC started secondary with a big group of school friends. They all scattered and found new friends almost immediately! Yr 7 is a funny year for friendships I think- so many new people to meet and big year groups all mixed up from so many different schools. Certainly we found it very transient in terms of friendships and I don't think that is uncommon.

Malmontar · 06/07/2020 18:48

Yup! DD started Y7 in September not knowing a soul. Pretty much her whole class went to the same secondary so we had tears all summer up until the end of the first week.
It'll be fine, you won't regret sending him to a closer school. Her old friends have had drama all year because best friends have met new kids and grown apart, she's very glad to not have been a part of it.

titchy · 06/07/2020 18:50

It'll be far more restrictive for him to maintain new friendships if he can't travel by himself and has to rely on you for the next 7 years.

Very few primary school friendships survive secondary - stick to the original plan.

Straysocks · 06/07/2020 18:53

New friendships form really quickly, it's an exciting time but of course your son won't know this yet. Is he anxious too? Most secondary schools I know bring the Y7s in a day before everyone else and some run clubs for new starters, though I suspect CV has impacted that. You will both really appreciate not having to travel. Very soon after starting primary seems a distant memory.

Toomanycats99 · 06/07/2020 18:56

It wouldn't just be school you would have to drive him back and forth for it would be every time he wanted to meet with friends.

SeasonFinale · 06/07/2020 18:58

Hang on in there! He will make new friends. DS changed schools at y9 and only very very rarely meets up with school friends from his previous school. He welcomed the change and made a whole new set of friends with no preconceptions of who he was and where he fitted in their "pecking order" so to speak. He found it a very positive change for the good.

My0My · 06/07/2020 19:04

DD went off to boarding school where she knew no one. Nearly all her friends went to the local grammar. Fast forward a few months, former “friends” are forgotten. I felt most were mere acquaintances anyway. No lasting friendships from primary but 10 years after leaving school she’s in touch with many school friends and these are the lasting friends in her life. More than university friends.

I honestly believe he’ll be fine. If he still wants to go, don’t wobble now.

toomuchpeppapig · 06/07/2020 19:10

I went to a grammar school that only 1 other person from my primary school also attended. I was absolutely fine and made new friends without any issues, as I'm sure your son will. It meant that I made friends from other areas and broadened my experiences growing up as well. Don't stress about it op. Leave it as it is and only think about changing it if he has issues after the first term or so.

Milicentbystander72 · 06/07/2020 19:16

I totally understand the anxiety.

My dd started Secondary School knowing no-one.

I won't lie and say she cane home in day one saying she'd made hundreds of friends and everything was rosy......but over time she did make friends. Good friends that are more 'suited' to her than I believe any in her primary school were. She's now in Y10 and to go into Y11.

My ds is in Y8. He started the same Secondary School as dd but knew 2 others. He doesn't really speak to them much now. DS found it quicker to make new friends than dd. It seemed simpler for him somehow.

I still keep in loose contact with old primary school parents. In my experience, within the first year of Y7 old primary friendship groups have either broken down completely or expanded and morphed do much it's barely recognisable.

I say hold you nerve. I was sooooo scared inside but never showed it them. I just encouraged them to join in clubs and get involved as much as they could. It can be hard, but for us it worked out well.

Good luck.

Comefromaway · 06/07/2020 19:43

It's important to remember that his group of friends will probably all be split up into different forms, sets, my son;t school eveb splits th eyear group into two and the two halves never meet!

My son went to the high school next door to his junior school but it was 7 miles from our house. The while think was a disaster and he moved in year 9 to a school where he knew no-one apart from a couple of 6th formers who attended the same theatre group. Two years later and he made a lovely group of friends.

inneedofaholiday · 06/07/2020 21:03

We were in the same position as you this time last year. We also moved house and kept DS at the same primary, and I felt awful when all his mates went to the same secondary school knowing he’d know no one at his!

Fast forward a year and he’s made lots of new friends. In lock down he’s been in contact with one boy from primary but in contact/gaming with more from his new school. And they’ve made plans to meet in the holidays, which he wouldn’t be able to do as easily if at the other school.

It’s a worrying time but your son will be fine, I’m sure.

mimbleandlittlemy · 07/07/2020 10:00

Honestly, they rapidly shed primary school friends anyway. It seemed like the end of the world at Y6 when they went their separate ways and even though 10 went to ds's secondary, they were all split up in classes and sets. Just finished y13 and none of the primary school friendships lasted much beyond the primary school gates, to be honest. Set it aside.

Atadaddicted · 07/07/2020 10:02

Normal OP and will be great in long run as wont be so reliant on you

Don’t let him sense you’re having a wobble, very important

Iwalkinmyclothing · 07/07/2020 10:13

I'm really unhappy about ds2's secondary school, but I know I am being unreasonable. It was his third choice, we knew the chances of getting his first and second were minimal, it's a decent enough school compared to many and lots of his friends who didn't get in are appealing to go there... but I hate and despise the SMT, especially the headteacher, with a passion that unnerves me. I feel they utterly failed my elder child and that their focus is on the wrong things and their priority will always be style rather than substance. Most of me is relieved he isn't going to the notorious, in and out of special measures secondary school most of his friends have been allocated to (because ds2 is the least streetwise kid you will ever meet and would spend his days in terror; I went to a school that was in the news for being awful and managed 10 good GCSEs so I know it can be done, but it wouldn't be something I wanted for my own dc), but part of me thinks, at least then he would be with his friends and I would never have to think about or be polite to that bunch of jumped up egotistical wankers ever again.

Wrt knowing or not knowing people- as pp have said, that's less of a big deal than you think.

Georgielovespie · 07/07/2020 10:21

Like you we moved house to be in catchment for an incredible secondary and I kept my sons at their old outstanding primary.

Ds1 went up to the secondary with 1 other child, they didn't "play" together at primary but both his Mum and myself agreed it was a familiar face so we requested and they were put in the same class. Ds had new friends at the end of the first week as they sat them alphabetically so he was next to a new person immediately.

Ds2 is errr quirky? Grin think geeky, spouter of random facts, into engineering, science, maths etc and I will admit I was worried. He knew no-one. He made friends in the first few weeks. They are all of a similar ilk and are still all friends in year 9.

Schools deliberately try to break primary friendships in order to give new friendships a chance. Some feeder schools have 80 children going from the same primary! Hence why they try to mix it up a bit.

You have made the right decision. Ds1's best mate kept trying to stay in touch but we focused on the new friends, forwards not backwards.

Prettybluepigeons · 07/07/2020 10:23

The day my son finished primary school, he and his best friend clung together and sobbed. They were going to different secondaries....most of dd's mates were going to the same school and I had chosen a different one.
He's now in year 12 and wouldn't know that best friend if he fell over him. He has a large circle of close friends and is really really happy.
After the first half term, primary friends fall away anyway and new friends fill the gaps.
Try not to worry, he'll be fine.

Atadaddicted · 07/07/2020 10:24

@Iwalkinmyclothing

Your situation is different
You know this school and it failed your elder son and you hate it
In that situation- I would be looking to move my son

Iwalkinmyclothing · 07/07/2020 10:30

@Atadaddicted if it were entirely up to me I would try, but we are in an area of south Manchester where the options are very limited and our choice really would be between the school he is at and the one that drifts in and out of special measures and is really, genuinely rough as fuck. Plus I have managed not to let the dc know the extent of my anger with the school my eldest went to and ds2 really wants to go there! They are unlikely to fail him, he is a rule keeper who works very hard and values education and does not have the plethora of issues and agency involvement my eldest has. It really, really is my problem at this point.

Sorry, OP, this isn't my thread and I'm wittering on like it is.

Prettybluepigeons · 07/07/2020 10:44

I walk...can I be nosy and ask where in south Manchester? I am near that area and wondering now which schools you are talking about! PM me perhaps?

RedskyAtnight · 07/07/2020 10:53

I think being able to get to school independently (which will benefit him for the whole time he is there) is more important than going with friends (which will benefit him for the first half term until he makes new friends and doesn't need the "security blanket" any more).

Both my DC went up to secondary school with lots of friends. None of them ended up in their class (in which 80% of their lessons were taught). So the reality was they made new friends and hung around with their old friends out of school, which is what your DS will do. In these days of social media, it's even easier to stay in touch!with people you don't see!

Iwalkinmyclothing · 07/07/2020 10:59

It's Levenshulme @Prettybluepigeons, but I would feel an absolute bitch to name either school, there are likely parents and maybe even staff of each on here.

Prettybluepigeons · 07/07/2020 11:02

PM me?

Prettybluepigeons · 07/07/2020 11:04

In fact, dont pm me. I don't know thecschools well enough to com up with any good suggestions

Prettybluepigeons · 07/07/2020 11:06

Sorry

WeAllHaveWings · 07/07/2020 11:20

ds(16) isn't close with any of his friends he had in primary. He went to his local primary and secondary and it was good in the first year of secondary that he had some familiar faces, but friendship groups moved about quickly and none of his current group of friends went to his primary.

I would send him to the local school as it will be much better long term if he has local friends and can get to school independently.

Short term does he know anyone, or have any connections at all to the new school? ds and his friends found and connected with dc from other primary schools that were going to the same secondary and played with them on their PS4s or met up over the summer before secondary started. It made the transition much easier for everyone.