Seeking views of parents who have boarded their children at schools

[coughcoughcoughcough]

Hi
I know that boarding is a contentious topic and I am looking for views of parents who have boarded their children at schools recently please, or professionals working within the education or children fields who can offer a professional viewpoint please.

My daughter (13) really wants to board and knowing her as I do, I know she would thrive. She would give everything a try and be on the go as much as she wanted.

She's now been offered a couple of places for September. Both are great schools with great pastoral care and would suit her.

But.....now the offers are in, and I look at the actual logistics and implications , I feel sick at the thought of it.

She is my only child, and I am not well (MS). I do depend on her to help me at home as I am a single parent. The likelihood is that during her tenure at boarding school, I will die. The school is two hours away by car. By train it's longer and involves a change that I can't really manage, and I won't be able to drive at some point so train may be my only option.

It's too far for me to go there and back in one day to watch her eg play a school netball match as I do now to the local school.

So for me to go and see her at the weekend or for her to come home (after Saturday school), we would only have 4pm Saturday to about 4pm Sunday together.

There are also attractive boarding trips on at the weekends which she will want to stay in school for.....so I envisage that sometimes I will see her once every three or four weeks for 24 hours.

That's not much for anyone, let alone for a mum who knows she is unlikely to see the end of my daughter's education.

Both these boarding schools have similar set ups. Even the closest boarding school to us is an hour each way, but the closest ones didn't really suit her.

The alternative is that she goes to independent day school near me; she has a couple of offers for these as well. They don't actually suit her as well as the boarding schools do, and she wouldn't get the social and co-curricular activities that he would get at boarding school because I am not well enough to take her. Local day schools also involve a commute for her of an hour each way.

What would be your views on this situation? I want - and she wants - to remain in the independent school sector and I had a critical illness cover which paid off the mortgage so that's not too much of a factor.

I am concerned mostly about her welfare and education; how would she feel if she hadn't seen me for a month and she saw a real deterioration? Or if I died while she was away at school? Would she carry guilt with her about his sort of thing? But I am also concerned about my welfare and how much she helps me and how much I would miss her. I would feel bereft, lonely and scared. Try as I might, I can't get over this feeling now that the offers have made this all real.

Please be kind.

I'm probably a bit obsessed with this idea of home & connection. Sorry. It's an ex-boarder thing,

Ah ...

If they change dorms termly then they are packing their life away into a trunk or 2 suitcases, and cleaning out their drawers for the next occupant, several times a year.

Strangely, over three generations of boarding I’ve never heard of this practice. And neither I nor the current boarder have faced any accommodation upheaval at sixth form.

Having a close knit set of local friends, and a range of people to call on, could be of immense value to her.

Current boarder has a close knit set of friends spread over the country (and further afield) in addition to having been enmeshed, since birth, in a community of family, wider relatives, (grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins,) godparents, neighbours, village, city ... So they would agree that living somewhere where people know you and you really feel like you belong is important - while pointing out that attending a boarding school does not preclude that.

I’m not, btw, recounting this alternate view for the benefit of the OP - more for other parents trying to make up their minds about boarding - in less difficult circumstances. I’m sorry Holly if your experience left you feeling wrenched or adrift from home and community - but that simply hasn’t been our experience.

Surprise, I think it so much depends on family circumstances. My dm’s dm died, she then boarded far away from her original home. Her dm’s death meant family had to move house and so dm became socially fairly uninvolved in the community where the family moved to. She was never home long enough to meet others and her siblings were all boys and much younger so she didn’t meet other teen girls through them.

What a difficult situation for you.

If you were to keep your daughter at home, are you able to fund some more home care privately? I wonder whether this might give your daughter a bit of breathing room, as it must be stressful and worrying for her being a carer (and it sounds as if this will likely increase).

I agree with pps who say maybe best to get some counselling for it. It is hard to predict how your daughter is likely to react to the reality of boarding and how she may feel being away from you at school, let alone what she may feel about her decision if you died.

I'm so sorry for you and your situation

What always strikes me is how everyone I know with boarding dc is constantly driving up and down the motorway to watch their kids in plays/matches etc. You say you couldn't do this, but how would it make you both feel if that is the school's culture and everyone else has a parent watching a match weekly? Or could someone else do this on your behalf?

I may have missed something but you don't explain why the day school is such a second-rate option.

Personally I agree spending money on a carer and keeping dd at day school might be a better solution. But I acknowledge it's an exceptionally tricky set up

The driving back & forth to see matches etc is a common theme, I agree.
OP, do the schools offer flexibile boarding at all? Our daughter would also like to board, but health issues make this impractical. However, being a 2/3 day a week boarder, or more when required, offers the best of both worlds; the benefits of being part of the school boarding community, and plenty of home time too.

My DS2 boarded the vast majority of his school life.
”If they change dorm every term then they are packing their life away into a trunk or 2 suitcases and cleaning out their drawers for the next occupant several times a year”
That really isn’t an issue with boarders, my DS frequently “packed his life away” into one suitcase and changed dorms regular often termly but you’re still in the same house, with the same friends, etc and hopefully the same HM assistant HM matron, cleaners etc. This is where there is continuity and support.
Oh and no change at all at 6th form.
I’m not saying for this OP and her DD boarding is necessarily the way forward but I like SurpriseSparDay don’t recognise the picture painted of boarding by HoHoHoly.

"What always strikes me is how everyone I know with boarding dc is constantly driving up and down the motorway to watch their kids in plays/matches etc."
I personally am also not sure how much of an issue this is. Many boarders will have parents abroad even well subscribed schools will have 15- 20% boarders from overseas now and not all UK parents rock up for every match and plays especially at secondary level as many are working particularly in the week. I watched my DS a few times in his chosen sport and went to the house singing competition (the name alludes me) a couple of time but we weren't great ones for attending matches and plays and I wasn't the only one I don't think my DS was that bothered. The boarding schools I've worked in both were full boarding schools and again pretty similar, IME there was always the same parents turning up but not every parent turns up to every match/play.

My dd boards and in your situation no I wouldn't.
She may resent your decision when she is older and she will have missed saying goodbye to you.
You poor love, what a difficult decision to have to make.
It really is no time together when they come home for a weekend and you are right sometimes it can be up to 3 weeks depending on what is going on.
Are you sure she'll get involved with these activities and feel as though she needs to be with you, I know my dd would under the same circumstances.

OP I think you have just outlined the only situation in which I would consider boarding a child. Watching a parent deteriorate whilst taking on more and more care is extremely difficult when you are 50, as a teen it would be agonizing and could be extremely damaging. If you could bear it, I would let her go.

Your message is so beautifully and poignantly written.

I have two children who board during the week and that works very well, not least because the holidays are very long and there are lots of long weekends. They both love it - it's busy, buzzy and good fun. There are, of course, days when they would much rather be tucked up at home, but equally, if they were at home, there might be days when they were longing to be playing football with a bunch of friends in the evening.

I've got two thoughts for what it's worth. One is that you mention fun weekend activities. I think it's completely reasonable to say that you don't want her doing those, so that she would always come home at weekends. They're important if you've got full boarders but less so if you're in the country.

The second, however, is that you both matter equally in the relationship. It is very very odd having your children away during the week (mine get to come home a night a week), and it never feels quite right. A very quiet house is difficult and if you're on your own, it will feel that much harder. I think you need to try and find a workable solution that is good for you both. Could she go to the indepedent school until she's done her GCSE's and then go to a boarding school for her 6th form?

I wish you all the very best - this is a very difficult decision but your life must be fun and happy too, and maybe there is a way to get to that solution?