Seeking views of parents who have boarded their children at schools

[coughcoughcoughcough]

Hi
I know that boarding is a contentious topic and I am looking for views of parents who have boarded their children at schools recently please, or professionals working within the education or children fields who can offer a professional viewpoint please.

My daughter (13) really wants to board and knowing her as I do, I know she would thrive. She would give everything a try and be on the go as much as she wanted.

She's now been offered a couple of places for September. Both are great schools with great pastoral care and would suit her.

But.....now the offers are in, and I look at the actual logistics and implications , I feel sick at the thought of it.

She is my only child, and I am not well (MS). I do depend on her to help me at home as I am a single parent. The likelihood is that during her tenure at boarding school, I will die. The school is two hours away by car. By train it's longer and involves a change that I can't really manage, and I won't be able to drive at some point so train may be my only option.

It's too far for me to go there and back in one day to watch her eg play a school netball match as I do now to the local school.

So for me to go and see her at the weekend or for her to come home (after Saturday school), we would only have 4pm Saturday to about 4pm Sunday together.

There are also attractive boarding trips on at the weekends which she will want to stay in school for.....so I envisage that sometimes I will see her once every three or four weeks for 24 hours.

That's not much for anyone, let alone for a mum who knows she is unlikely to see the end of my daughter's education.

Both these boarding schools have similar set ups. Even the closest boarding school to us is an hour each way, but the closest ones didn't really suit her.

The alternative is that she goes to independent day school near me; she has a couple of offers for these as well. They don't actually suit her as well as the boarding schools do, and she wouldn't get the social and co-curricular activities that he would get at boarding school because I am not well enough to take her. Local day schools also involve a commute for her of an hour each way.

What would be your views on this situation? I want - and she wants - to remain in the independent school sector and I had a critical illness cover which paid off the mortgage so that's not too much of a factor.

I am concerned mostly about her welfare and education; how would she feel if she hadn't seen me for a month and she saw a real deterioration? Or if I died while she was away at school? Would she carry guilt with her about his sort of thing? But I am also concerned about my welfare and how much she helps me and how much I would miss her. I would feel bereft, lonely and scared. Try as I might, I can't get over this feeling now that the offers have made this all real.

Please be kind.

Could you both go to a couple of sessions of counselling together to work through this decision?

My mum became terminally ill in my later teens. It was just the two of us, no dad or siblings about. I didn’t have the opportunity of boarding school but I think if I’d been offered it I would have thought I wanted to go but then felt awful once there and certainly awful after mum’s death.

All I have wanted since her death is more time with her and I kick myself for the times I missed. But on the other hand maybe I would have coped worse without those times I took away while she was ill. I just don’t know and I can see how hard this decision is for you.

I think your daughter needs to be helped to make an informed decision alongside you in a supported environment.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

@Notverygrownup thank you.

Yes funding would be in place for her to remain if I died. That is in writing.

" Would she have the option of skyping you daily? It would be important for her, as well as for you, to maintain close contact. You do not want her to feel that you have sent her away, and for her to feel cut off. Would the school facilitate visits/cut her any slack and let her have a longer break at weekends now and then on compassionate grounds? Talk to them. They would need to manage this carefully in your daughter's best interests too."

No I haven't asked them about this. They must have had similar situations before. I will ask them.

Practically speaking my illness is up and down. Sometimes I am ok. Other times not, and towards the end if my life I would expect a few months of needing a lot of help at home.

Lots of crossed posts here but I see others have had similar ideas.

Another thought - is FaceTime acceptable at boarding schools now? The vast means we have of staying in touch with people wherever they are has hugely changed in recent decades and I’m would hope the school would be understanding to the circumstances.

Sorry, X posted so I see you have answered some of my questions.

It seems that your gut feeling was to seek a boarding school for her for all of the very positive reasons - particularly the support she will get during your illness. It sounds as if, if you and the school can make this work, that that is still a good thing, if you can also find ways to ensure that you get practical support, have the opportunity to talk a lot to your dd, and stay close emotionally.

"All I have wanted since her death is more time with her and I kick myself for the times I missed."

I spoke to a child psychologist about this aspect and she urged caution in sending a child away to aborting school because of the long term impact of guilt etc it can have on the child. Hence this is a big concern.

@coughcoughcoughcough could you have a joint session with that child psychologist to help your daughter and you think through the options together?

Eeeekkk! Huge apologies for hideous auto correct error.

*boarding. Not aborting. Sorry.

@moctodtensmum that's a good idea.

do you find that term time goes quickly?

It’s not exactly that it goes quickly, more that parents/children/guardians pretty much take up residence on the motorway or on a train. (Prep School was a bit of a shock to the system - home at least every two weeks plus endless extracurricular reasons to visit.) At senior level they’re home roughly every three weeks, sometimes a little more or less frequently. And there are ample opportunities to visit, take them out for a pizza, watch matches or concerts or whatever - depending on your own fitness and inclination. And yes, she will probably be free to FaceTime you whenever she’s not actually in lessons.

Teens naturally want to spend more time with friends and less with their family anyway, as they get older. This would be true even if she went to a day school - don’t imagine she’d be at home gazing adoringly at you at 16 if only she were at the school up the road!

Are you not feeling bereft sometimes?

Nope. You miss them, of course. But it’s such an adventure, and they’re doing new things every day and you’re so delighted that they’re happy. Also not a day goes by without requests for money, clothes, sports kit ... Boarding is quite a lot of work for families.

Despite your prognosis you may be surprised by how much you become caught up in her school life and the shared interests and (possibly) camaraderie that grows amongst parents. You may even find the whole thing fun ...

I have to say I disagree with the majority here. I don’t think I would send her to be honest. I would go for one of the day schools unless you are able to move closer to her.
I just think that although she doesn’t know now that you may pass away before she finishes school, she will realise later that you did know that. And although I appreciate it’s a selfless and brave thing to give her that opportunity, I wonder whether looking back she will wish she just had more time with her mum? Time is precious. Memories are precious. And your daughter will rely on those precious times to get her through losing you. She will also feel for the rest of her life that she spent all the time she could have with you and helped you as much as she could. Better than the risk of her feeling guilty? If she only has you for such a short period of her life, I would imagine she would want to make the most of it. Instead of boarding school fees could you get some private paid help in to lessen the workload for her? Even someone to chat to to relieve the emotional burden? I wish you the best.

Do you think it would be worth speaking to your consultant about your prognosis? And what support in their experience you will need?

It's very rare for young people with MS to have such a fatal prognosis so you must have other factors which impact on this. They might also be able to arrange psychology support as this must be heartbreaking.

Something I forgot to add, which a PP raised is that once I was about 13, a bunch of local parents (ie girls from my local junior school) clubbed together to have a minibus come down to school and collect about seven of us, and drop us each home. I know my parents found this really helped with the long journey.

@hattyhatshats yes there are other factors in play.

I have had a lot of counselling and psychology sessions over the years. I am resigned to most of my illness but the thing that gets me every time is my daughter and her welfare going forward.

What an awful situation for you. I'm so sorry.
I've had a child at boarding school and work in health.
I agree ideally your daughter shouldn't have the burden of being a carer.

I also agree with the PP that time with your daughter is precious, it could be a damaging time to send her away.

You seem to be assuming that all would be well at boarding school. That is quite a significant assumption in my experience. What if something was wrong and she didn't feel able to tell you? Or you weren't able to get there to deal with problems?

And with respect children do not really know what boarding is like and its implications. It sounds exciting but isn't always.....

Could you consider a 3rd way - her at a local school and you employing a housekeeper to help with transporting your daughter and help at home?

What does her potential guardian or any family think?

I wish you all the best.

@MarissaE thank you for your input, it is invaluable to have different opinions.

Obviously difficult position.
If your DD wants the boarding place, I'd send her in a heartbeat.

She will have friendships and pastoral care on a different level to those gained at day school. Friends and staff at boarding school become family (when done well) and in the absence of a blood family to support her emotionally, this could be the next best thing.

We've been both the giver and receiver of help at DD1's boarding schools. Depends where she goes but we found parents really do rally round to help out. Is there a message board for parents of the school you're considering? If you can view it, you might get a better feel of who the parent group are.

@SurpriseSparDay thank you, that is a very helpful perspective.

I agree with @MarissaE

Absolutely heartbreaking situation. I personally think you need to be honest with your daughter about the seriousness of your illness, but tell her that BECAUSE you are so ill you don't want her to see you deteriorate and want her to be happy at a school that can provide her things you can't. And specifically tell her that you WANT her to go because you are so ill. And to never feel guilty about being a normal 13-year-old.

I think being at boarding school could be very double edged. I can see the advantage of having a neutral place to live and somewhere stable to be while things are tough health wise for you.

However, I also think children don’t necessarily understand how it will be before they go. My DM boarded after her own DM died (rather than before) and while she wanted to go at the time now wishes she’s hadn’t. She felt isolated while grieving.

I wonder whether the best option might be to keep her in a day school and give her the opportunity to spend this time with you. Maybe pp’s idea of having a neutral counsellor facilitating the discussion between you and her about how to handle the next few years is a good way forward at this stage.

I will Start this by saying I am not anti boarding as DS started at 10 I the UK (we are expats so several hours drive away).

However I am also someone whose mum was terminally ill and died during their teens. I am so glad I had every minute I did with mum although some of the times were very tough. She will one day be thankful for the time she has with you.

Is her father in her life? Could he help by picking her up for you for exéats?

My advice would be to keep her with you.

Horrible time for you.
Firstly there is uncertainty about the course of your illness as there is for all MS patients.
I agree that a further discussion with your consultant would be helpful to give you the range of what might be expected (rather than just worse case scenario).
Secondly I think that your DD should have counselling sessions by herself with somebody who is specialised in children who have parents with a terminal illness.
Once she has been through that you need to respect the decision she makes but understand that decision may be reversible at any time if needed.

In the meantime accept the best boarding school for her and the best day school to keep both options open.
Start building up strategies for coping and enjoying life on your own during the week if she boards. Even if she does n’t that would be good so that you don’t rely on her so much for emotional support.

I've PMd you.

What an awful position to be in. I'm not replying as a parent of a boarder (sorry) but you're weighing up the decision so it seems unbalanced to only ask for replies of parents who have, rightly or wrongly, decided to go just one way.

My instinct is with Marissa and moctod. Keep her close so she can spend as much time with you as possible. You're her mum. It sounds like you are racked with guilt and worry that you are a burden and are "stopping her living her best life" in some sense. But I don't think that matters much. Even if you are just eating beans on toast or watching telly with her, time spent with loved ones is precious. There is never enough of it, for her as well as for you. She will need to be independent earlier than you'd like anyway. No need to bring that forward any more.

Also I think the stability aspect of boarding is sometimes overrated. If they change dorms termly then they are packing their life away into a trunk or 2 suitcases, and cleaning out their drawers for the next occupant, several times a year. To me that's the opposite of stability. Plus there's often a big change in accommodation for 6th form, and then once they finish school that's it, they are out and it's a whole new world. An alternative would be to invest your energies in getting her well enmeshed in your local community. Build her relationship with her guardian. In fact if they are not local to you, you could even consider moving to their area, and invest the next few years on making it feel like home to her. Send her to Guides. Have her join an orchestra, encourage her to go to the cinema with friends, be a regular in the local am dram panto or whatever floats her boat. This stuff might be hard to get her to now, but as she grows into a teen she will be more able to take herself. I'm sorry I don't have a reference to hand but I've read that having a lot of connections to other people is a good predictor of good mental health outcomes. Having a close knit set of local friends, and a range of people to call on, could be of immense value to her. And personally I think it's very stabilising living somewhere where people know you and you really feel like you belong. My daughter is 13 and she is at that point of doing a lot of things without an adult for the first time. I think it's great that she is doing it all in her local town, getting to know the buses and finding her favourite coffee shops.

I'm probably a bit obsessed with this idea of home & connection. Sorry. It's an ex-boarder thing, I think.