Moved to new independent school in Year 7 and very unhappy son!

[Dobbo72]

My son started at a very well-thought of independent school in SW London in September in Year 7 having done the horrendous 11+ exams! He was lucky to have had several offers and we chose what we thought was the best fit but he is very very unhappy. Does anyone know if it’s possible to move elsewhere as I’ve made several calls to schools he had offers from (and a few new ones!) and they say no chance as we made our choice and all places filled for both 11 entry and 13 entry. They won’t even add us to their wait lists! Just wondered if anyone has any experience and suggestions as we don’t know what we can do if it doesn’t improve! Would be looking in SW London/Surrey. Thanks!

Why is he unhappy? No point moving him to another school until you have identified this, and whatever it is is particular to this one school.

I would highly doubt it.
How about local state school?
Is the pressure getting to him?
Does he feel a small fish in a big pond?

Where abouts are you? Have you looked at Newton’s in Battersea?

Hmm I think overall Year 7 is a bloody hard year for all actually so how do you think a move will improve things? Are you wanting to move him to be with friends from primary? Or is he struggling with the level of work?

Generally I guess all you can do, if you are adamant a move is needed, is phone around a long list of schools you would consider and see if they have a space and are willing to accept him. Or you could put him into a Prep that goes to 13 then he could sit the 13+ but that's a whole added layer of stress (another year of exam prep etc).

Have you unpicked why he so unhappy and does the current school know? It's really hard when your child is miserable I fully understand that.

We’ve had this same problem with our ds. He seemed to be quite jolly at first but then would start getting upset at bedtime and telling us he hated it. I think a lot of it was just down to tiredness and feeling overwhelmed with the increase in homework and the longer day etc. - it’s a shock to the system!
After weeks of extensive talks/heart to hearts he now really seems to be starting to enjoy himself and make friends. I think part of the problem was we allowed him to think that if he didn’t like it we would consider changing him (he would have been happy to go to the local state school with his friends.) that was maybe a mistake on our part and even if we wanted to (which we don’t) I doubt we could change him now. Once he realised it wasn’t an option he started to immerse himself properly into his new school and take better advantage of everything on offer.
I’ve also told him how several of his friends who have gone on to the local high school are struggling themselves and high school is difficult for everyone at first.
Focus on explaining the opportunities your sons school is giving him and the reasons why you chose it in the first place. I’d tell him to give it a little more time and also possibly speak to his form tutor about it - they will have a system in place for students who are struggling - like possibly pairing him up with an older buddy or something.
Starting a new school where you don’t know anyone and the level of learning is set quite high is hard. It takes time to adjust. Encourage him to join lots of clubs to meet different people.

I have a child in year 8 can honestly say that the first half of year 7 was TOUGH. My son found it really hard - to the point we had a couple of meetings with the head of year 7 who said it was very very common for them to struggle at that stage. My DS had come from a small primary school which I think made the transition harder. Something clicked after the spring half term and he suddenly found his feet. He’s thriving now. A lot of his friends (both from his secondary school and from primary who went to different schools) had the same experience.

I’m obviously not saying that this is definitely the right school for your son but the scenario I’m describing might be the case.

Good luck!

What are the pastoral care team doing to help him?

It's hard as it's reasonably likely that he'll turn a corner and settle in OR he may never like it. My DD is now Y11 - didn't like Y7, Y8 just about OK, didn't like Y9, hated Y10 and is OK in Y11 because she knows she's leaving. I kept saying I was sure it would get better but it really didn't. In hindsight I think I wish I'd moved her (I did offer at various times but all a bit late really).

If you do want to look at moving, I suspect the schools you turned down last year won't be helpful unless they have places but there are lots of schools in SW London/Surrey so you may be lucky at one of them.

Can he express exactly what is making him unhappy? What do you think the problem is?
Have you spoken to his HoY?
Did some of his friends go to this school too? Did me meet people at the induction days?

Most problems can be resolved.

Other schools say he can't go on the waiting list? Eh? Bullshit! Phone them again!

Thank you so much everyone! Basically, started new school with no-one from prep school but threw himself into it, clubs, tried everything he could, after school sports, made a friend and Hung out for month every day, then month later the friend said don’t want to be with you anymore and Overnight moved onto another boy who coincidentally (or not) then started bullying my son, then another joined in too and generally made to feel v unwelcome in his class. He was avoiding going in until last minute every morning, school nurse Called one day and said to take him home as he’s V anxious upset and then mire cane to light.... He did make a friend Quickly in another class and they stuck together like glue (Same interests, had couple times to each other’s houses) but he then left week before Xmas out if the blue so nightmare and my so feeling rejected again. He says he doesn’t fit in, he has tried v hard (clubs, sport after school, music concerts) but doesn’t feel v welcome, there’s no rugby which he loves and is pretty good (more of a Problem than we thought As felt cant pick a school on a sport (As it’s acceptance, respect, part of a tribe, similar interests etc
), its v cramped (he loves to be active)... We have spoken to form teacher twice (transpires he never actually spoke to my son direct about it until Our third chat, so elevated to HOY, she made the right noises said she’d deal with it, then passed it down to someone’s else who didn’t take the bullying seriously, so sent v stern email (advice from teacher friend to use the word and say it’s bullying as it is!) and they’ve now spoken to him and boys in question and the bullying appears to have stopped for last two weeks. Sadly he seems v dejected and think he just feels it’s all been negative and series of rejections and hard to understand as he says he has tried so hard poor kid. He came from a prep school so organization and aren't phasing him. Two of the ‘nicer’ boys in his class were asked to keep tabs on him but doesn’t appear to have happened much or made any difference. Don’t want to teach him quitting mentality and these things do take time but have done most of what‘s recommended and equally, what if it’s just a mistake re choice of school (it must happen ???) and not the right fit for him but, so many schools have such long wait lists unsure what we could get....he can return to his old prep school but the 13 places are all decided at 11+ stage now (you sit exams at 11 for either 11 entry or 13 entry so that ship has sailed too!! He’s never had any trouble before and been happy as Larry so all a bit odd really.... have checked if school think he’s doing anything and assured me no he’s an easy going doesn’t ruffle feathers kid which he’s always been to be honest !

I wonder if you should’ve chosen a more sporty school for him then? I don’t think you should carry on regardless if he’s really unhappy - sounds like you are doing all the right things. I guess all you could do is ring around and find a space somewhere else then - people move schools / move away etc so surely there will be spaces somewhere.
for you both - it’s rotten when they’re unhappy at school. I really hope he’s happier soon.

Sorry to hear your DS is so unhappy. One of my DCs is at a SW independent and they had 3 pupils start at the beginning of Y8 and 2 others a term later so spaces definitely do come up- this was due to people moving abroad and the pupils who took their places cane mainly from other SW London schools so there is definitely movement.
I would ring some of the schools where maybe you didn't apply and get him on some lists for occasional places if you do want to move him. I would also try the others again. There may be spaces coming up after Easter as people have to give a terms notice.

The school sounds useless to be honest.

OP, my thoughts are with you and your ds. If you are currently at a non rugby school with not much space in SW London I would consider some of the schools a slight distance away with more space and rugby on the agenda, maybe lower the academic standard and consider schools you wouldn't have thought of before ie Ewell Castle. Also Claremont Fan take in dc each year. It is possible to move especially if the school isn't taking your concerns seriously. My dd is at a well known popular all girls school and I'm amazed at the changing that goes on each year, some dd circulate around a handful of sw London schools over the years.

What borough do you live in? I might be able to recommend some of your local schools.

The friendship thing is all important and my DD1 didn’t really find her friendship group until year 8 (but she wasn’t bullied and of course that’s a serious issue). It may all sort itself out but in the meantime I would get a plan B in place. Places do tend to come up at the start of each school year in my experience (at least a couple of girls have left each year) so you may have to stick it out until then if you want a similar standard school. You might get lucky after Easter if you try enough schools. Have you tried Whitgift if a sporty school is needed? I really hope things improve for him.

Oh poor him. Your update makes it sound even worse. The school sounds awful: the lack of respect for the issue, and the lack of care for your sons happiness, makes for sad reading.

Friendships is crucial. Absolutely key. My Ds1 has been very happy since joining secondary and I am truely grateful of his nice group of friends.

My other friend with a dd, has had very similar experience to you. One friend dumped her dd, then best friend left, her dd is so sad. Makes me sad.

My Ds1 On the other hand, is invited to tonnes and tonnes of parties (yes really!) , he's always out riding his bike with his mates, playing football with his mates, (rugby is a big thing at most of the local catholic schools aswell) , meeting at Nando's to have the Peri-Peri wings etc, - this is what your son should be enjoying!!

Please phone all the other schools. Again.
Are the local schools poor? All ours are very good. The catholic ones are excellent.

And finally, in the meantime, a polite, but undertoned strongly worded email to HoY, is needed me thinks!

If you need a rugby playing school for an active boy, you could still apply for Dulwich and Whitgift for yr 9 entry. They both only just moved to pre-testing so for 2021 13+ are still using their old system of testing in year 8.

Or go completely the other way and get him on the waiting list for a good state school (and do sport in clubs, find local rugby club etc)

People do leave in Year 7. I know of three last year from different schools that moved. Definitely call around. I agree Whitgift very sporty and has so much choice on offer, loads of afterschool clubs and definitely not cramped at all, they have so much choice. He sounds like he'd be happier at a much bigger sportier school with more facilities and choice. Don't worry about academic grades, he'll do well if he's happy and supported and sounds like neither of those are happening where he is.

And don't feel any shame for changing. He's done nothing wrong and nor have you. It's better to just admit and accept a bad turn of fate though and start afresh. There will be Year 8 spaces coming up as people do move abroad, move in the country, also need to change etc.

Yes, reshuffles happen, spaces come up

Having read your update, OP, I too would move your son.

Keeping him there when the school appears unhelpful and he has valid reasons for disliking it means he's never really going to enjoy it and it's a knock to his confidence too. It's just so very hard when your kid is unhappy at school.

So get phoning. I'd tell him you're doing your best to move him but be realistic - it may not happen until year 8. I'm sure you'll find another place.

I'm disappointed to hear the school are so rubbish at supporting him. It's their bloody job to ensure new kids get settled.

Good luck.

Time to see the head and say you are considering moving your child. See what happens then.

Thank you so much everyone and so sorry to hear of other people’s struggles too. Keep telling myself it’s just school but sometimes you can’t get a grip when your child is unhappy ! Going to give it half term and start visiting some schools to see if can get a plan B in case we need too!