Moved to new independent school in Year 7 and very unhappy son!

[Dobbo72]

My son started at a very well-thought of independent school in SW London in September in Year 7 having done the horrendous 11+ exams! He was lucky to have had several offers and we chose what we thought was the best fit but he is very very unhappy. Does anyone know if it’s possible to move elsewhere as I’ve made several calls to schools he had offers from (and a few new ones!) and they say no chance as we made our choice and all places filled for both 11 entry and 13 entry. They won’t even add us to their wait lists! Just wondered if anyone has any experience and suggestions as we don’t know what we can do if it doesn’t improve! Would be looking in SW London/Surrey. Thanks!

Our son started a new school and to be honest I got vibes from his teacher and thought the head was an arse. It was a ‘good’ school so I assumed I was being paranoid.

My god that child hated the school and the school were complete bastards about it. In fact they were worse than complete and utter bastards (absolute shitty to us) and luckily we have teachers in the family who helped us out (one was raring to go in with a lawyer).

We moved after a term (and got all our money back after I wrote a stinking letter to her owners).

I think some of the very selective schools can be very difficult to get into out of the usual application cycles - are all the schools you've called so far very selective, op? I don't know your area well, but if there are some less selective schools they may be more likely to get occasional places, and maybe have fewer contenders for them. Is it worth asking the old prep school head what s/he thinks - they may have some insight into where might suit him.

Yes, year 7 can be dire for some dc, and even worse when the other yr 7s seems to be settling in wonderfully, making great friends etc! The difficult thing is to know whether to cut your losses now, or wait to see if it improves. Does your ds want to move? If so, in some ways that makes it simpler - it's harder if you sense they're unhappy but they don't want to move.

Meanwhile, is there rugby outside school that he could join - both because he'd enjoy it and because he might make some friends there?

I wouldn't worry that much about quitting mentality etc - it is possible sometimes just to get the wrong school, and your ds certainly sounds as though he's given it a go.

You could email HoY today? Just a quickie? Set the ball in motion.

Feb half term is still almost 3 weeks away. You could achieve a lot in today and tomorrow?

Can't you give a few schools a quick call now OP? At least you'd be laying the feeders? No good going to visit if they haven't got spaces.

Year 7 is such a tricky time. After 7 years at a primary where they knew everyone and where they have so recently been top dogs, starting at the bottom and knowing no one comes as a huge shock?

Personally, I would try doing everything you can to make this decision work. Even if it doesn't offer rugby and has a cramped site, you must have chosen it because you really believed it would suit your ds? So definitely contact form teacher and head of year. Meet with them and push this forward. Tell them you're thinking of moving him.

Moving him should definitely be possible in Year 8 - chance vacancies occur all the time.

BUT you have to make sure you're not moving him out of the frying pan and into the fire. Remember all the kids in his new school will already have settled in and he would be the only newbie. How will that make him feel?

(Am just playing devils advocate. really hope it all works out for you and your ds)

Have you talked to the person who was in charge of secondary transfer at your prep? My DD was v.unhappy in Year 7 - she stuck it out until Spring half term, then we contacted her prep school who swung into action, got on the phone and contacted all the schools who had offered her places the year before.
One school had just been informed that a Year 7 girl’s family were being relocated, and my DD was given the place!

To get a space at a “full” school, it seems to be a question of being the person who phones up at the right time ie just when they have found out they have a child leaving and a space appearing.

This means calling all the time since obviously you have no idea when someone may give notice of leaving.

I would suggest keep calling round but at the same time, do whatever you can to make this school work. I wonder if there is anything they can do to try to match up boys who are short of friends?

I remember finding y7 very hard and struggling with friendships, everyone had paired up. In y8 a new girl joined and we made friends. That led to a larger group. You never know what might happen around the corner.

Please phone ds's current school, today. What have you got to lose?

As minipie says, it means calling all the time. You want to be top of mind when a place becomes available. Not stalkerish of course - but just gently persistent. I bet your DS would be so relieved to start again somewhere with some nice rugby pitches!

Have you considered moving him back to a prep? Perhaps he just wasn’t ready to start at a big school. Many boys need longer in a smaller environment.

I think you need to really listen to your ds, talk to school, ring round for your options and then work towards whatever is decided.

People do move, spaces do come up.

I know of one boy who started his senior school at 13+ and was unhappy and moved to a very desirable alternative at 14. So it can be done.
A swift move is better than the psychological damage of staying somewhere he does not feel safe.

Thank you to everyone’s advice 😀. We are now going to calm round and email a bunch of schools....how would you word/approach the calls/emails for schools you were not interested In before ???

The registrars are use to it, there is a lot of movement & they all know each other. Keep it general and not too detailed.

The big issue is to ask if they have vacancies. Then ask to go on a waiting list if they are full. If schools say their wait list is not accepting anyone else, so be it.

If he came from a prep, does it actually go to 13? If so, could he go back? If it doesn’t, could he join one that does? Or wait it out and try for 12 plus where there are vacancies and they are recruiting. Or try and find somewhere with vacancies?

My son was anxious and miserable for the whole first year, he's as happy as ever now. Make sure he gets lots of sleep, lots of outside clubs and foster external friendships and tell him to just go there to learn. Insist that school monitors bullying and make sure that you name names and incidents.
meanwhile there are some independents that have not sat 13+ through the pre-tests - go into his school and tell them that you need to move hmdue to bullying and ask their advice.
I know that Habs boys and Merchant Talor haven't pre-tested for 13+ so he could sit those but I don't know in your area, there must be more.
Would you consider State boarding? St Georges in Harpenden is amazing and 3 of the current England team went there. You just pay for the boarding and he can board weekly, home fri-mon if you like. My eldest Son is a big Rugby fan - he loved it there.
Younger wouldn't board so he's at a NW London independent.

Definitely move him - there are definitely opportunities to move for Y8 (or take a PP's advice and look at 13+ places).

No point paying for him to stay in a place in which he is so unhappy and it doesn't really sound like the school are dealing with the issues very well.

Good luck to your DS.

Bless him. I wouldn’t be happy at all at the schools lack of action on the bullying. If they’d have sorted it sooner might not have got as bad as it has for him. Make a list of local schools with good sports and call and explain. Hopefully you can join waiting lists for some

I would move him, too. Can you ask your old prep head for help? He might know people at other seniors and can put in a word and advice with best approach. In meantime, reframe your ds' recent story as the positive story it is: he is able to make friends quickly, talented, gives things a go. He has every reason to believe that he can make a great success out of his next place, it simply was the wrong place.

OP, so sorry to have read all this. Sadly I could have written much of this myself about my own DS, who is also in Y7 at an independent school (Surrey) and feeling very unhappy and lost. DS went to a mixed prep and now is at all-boys and we feel that this has a lot to do with it - totally underestimated the change in environment and general impact. Just wondered if it was the same for you? FYI we have been exploring boarding options and there are quite a few options open to us. If you are not closed to the idea of boarding could be worth a shot.

Tbh I would be complaining to school about the bullying. Your paying for them to teach and look after your son! If you wanted this treatment you could get it free! Hope hes ok

My daughter had an awful year 7 - and while I get that it does take time to settle in - her school was very unhelpful. I realised that it they were unhelpful in year 7 when it’s known kids struggle than they were also not going to be helpful if she had another issue in the later years. We were also told the local private schools had no free places. I write an email with her previous year 6 achievements and said if a place ever comes up we would be interested...one week later she was offered a place that the week before did not exist. Keep asking. Also consider moving him to a school that only goes to year 8 - these schools feed into other privates who save spaces in year 9 for them. Although I was told my daughter’s year 8 year was full when she joined last sept - since then 3-4 new girls have joined and 3-4 are due to join in year 9. There is always movement so keep trying. Can I also recommend sending him to a therapist who helps children with their social skills in making new friends. His confidence has taken a battering and getting a strategy for his new school would help with that. Good luck.

@Dobbo72, I’d be interested to know what school this is? I’m keen to avoid any of these issues for my kids. Is it co-Ed? Did you manage to resolve things without leaving?
Thank you