Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Boarding school for DS

50 replies

Saarah1977 · 08/12/2019 12:13

DS who is 11 came out as gay recently. We’re completely happy with him being gay and he knows that. However, DH and I travel a lot for work. We move every 3/ 4 years so we have been planning on sending DS to boarding school for year 9 - when DS is 13.

We have a list of schools that interests us and I’d be interested to know what your thoughts are on how inclusive they are and what’s the best school for DS. We will likely be posted in Europe for the next few years so we can travel back for weekends regularly to see him.

DS is popular at his international school. He enjoys playing sport but he’s not very competitive. He really enjoys drama. His friends are mainly boys however he is not boisterous. He can be very sensitive especially if anyone makes fun of him for being gay.

DH is most interested in Tonbridge School (DH’s favourite - he went there), Dulwich College, Abingdon School, Radley College. However, I’m very keen with Brighton College. What are your thoughts on these schools?

OP posts:
Original poster
Saarah1977 · 08/12/2019 12:15

Sorry, I forgot another school that I’m keen on: Epsom College

OP posts:
wobblyaerial · 08/12/2019 13:47

If you will be abroad while DS is boarding you need a full boarding school - ie a school where a critical mass of students stay in at the weekend.
You may believe that you will visit and take him out every weekend but that is really difficult even if you are working in Paris, Brussels or Amsterdam. Weekend visits will take at least 10 hours out of your weekend even when travel arrangements go well. And it really is not practical for a DC to travel abroad at weekends on a regular basis. So your DS is likely to spend many weekends at school and it will be important that his friends do too.

On that basis I would rule out Abingdon and Dulwich College (primarily day schools below A level ) Epsom and Tonbridge ( both mainly weekly boarding).

Where in Europe will you be? Kent schools can be good for Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam as you can use Eurostar. What about King’s Canterbury? Or schools with good links to airports. Look at King Edward’s Oxford ( though boarding not as full as it was). Oundle another possibility.

Views on sexuality can change a lot during adolescence - and I would not expect an 11 year olds identity to be set in stone.
But given his current feelings I would favour co-ed over single sex. Less of the macho culture. That said, most schools are now very good at dealing with LGBT adolescents and I would not see it as a major issue.

wobblyaerial · 08/12/2019 13:59

...should add that you will need to get your skates on if he is already in Y7. Many schools allocate spaces at the end of Y6.

Zodlebud · 08/12/2019 14:33

I would look at St Edwards in Oxford and Haileybury in Hertfordshire. Both have large numbers of boarders and are close to London transport links.

My friends with gay children, and those who are gay themselves found a co-Ed school more forgiving than all boys.

Both schools have great inclusive sport (so you don’t have to be a-team material) and drama. Academically strong although not “major league”. Both have a really positive vibe, the children are happy, confident and balanced in their outlook.

I have friends with children boarding at both (one of whom is gay although has only come out to his parents yet). All are thriving.

Cyberworrier · 08/12/2019 14:39

I was just going to suggest Co-Ed might be easier/provide a wider range of personalities and different dynamic for a gay teenager. May be out of date I know, but I know a couple of guys in their 20s who hated Radley as they stood out a lot (as Arty) and remember friends in their 30s having similar issues at other all boy boarding schools (the norm or the cool thing was to be sporty, fit in, conforming...).

happygardening · 08/12/2019 16:57

As I read your OP I immediately thought of St Edwards in Oxford liberal coed caring and with a broad range of activities to suit all lots of sport good for the really competitive but plenty for the less competitive excellent drams/music. I know it well and at one stage knew at least five openly gay pupils there accepted by all and very happy.
Used to be full boarding or day but now offers a mixture of full, weekly and day it might work for you.

NoooorthonerMum · 08/12/2019 18:42

I wouldn't go for Dulwich given that most aren't boarders. I agree about coed offering better opportunities and a less testosterone filled environment.

BubblesBuddy · 08/12/2019 18:50

I don’t think boys are less full of testosterone at co Ed schools. The sport and macho behaviour is still very present in some! It’s just that there are fewer boys in the school so it’s less obvious. The girls really don’t change the attitudes or testosterone quotient of the boys! Just find a school where he’s happy and can be himself whether it’s for boys or for girls and boys.

Original poster
Saarah1977 · 08/12/2019 19:04

Thanks for the comments.

I do agree about the points made about co-ed schools. DH is very keen on an all boys school though because he went to an all boys school.

I’ll have a look at St Edwards. What about Brighton College? I know they’re very big on being inclusive - they take part in Brighton Pride every year - and it’s also co ed

OP posts:
benbrown123 · 08/12/2019 19:24

I'm actually a 15 year old boy and the only reason why i'm here is because of location tracking finding the words "Radley College", but i'm in 5th form in B social currently and openly bisexual and have never had anyone have a go at me for it. The occasional joke is unavoidable but I don't care and normally play along with it since i'm not sensitive about it but i'm sure he won't care either after a few weeks at boarding school in England. This place is good for LGBT boys and we even have a gay society, the Firebloods. Trust me, Radley will be good for him.

Veterinari · 08/12/2019 19:27

You need to talk to your DH.
It sounds like your DH wants your DS to have the same experience he did. He can’t he’s a different person and in order for him to have a good boarding experience it must be the right school for him, not DH.

benbrown123 · 08/12/2019 19:52

Also, if he wasn't put down for the school at birth you may have trouble getting him in if he isn't extremely smart or sporty.

happygardening · 08/12/2019 21:09

I also don’t think coed necessarily means less testosterone filled boys. I was always struck by how untestosterone filled the boys at DS2s school (Winchester College) were. They were very caring and tolerant of each other. I’ve worked in both coed and SS boarding schools and seen some pretty testosterone filled boys in coed.
OP my advise is try and decide whether you want proper full boarding in school 7 days a week only home stated exeats/weekends or weekly boarding but this will mean that your DS may want to come home/be with friends/family at weekends because he’ll be one of a handful in school. If it’s the latter you’ve lots of options for f it’s the former you options will be much more limited especially as many pre test in year 6 and require early registration.

ChristmasSpirtsOnTheRocksPleas · 08/12/2019 21:13

Brighton is having an open day in February, why not go check it out?

Original poster
Saarah1977 · 08/12/2019 21:41

@benbrown123 Would you say your experience is the same for most LGBT boys at Radley?

OP posts:
poony · 08/12/2019 21:53

Sidcot school. Near Bristol. If that isn't too far. It's lovely and very inclusive.

Michaelahpurple · 08/12/2019 22:10

Have you checked your timings? At 11 he must be knocking up against some cut offs

1805 · 08/12/2019 22:43

Radley is strong on drama, and offers many many different sports on offer. Seems to be very open minded with sexuality. Lots os boys in a similar situation with parents far away. So definitely look at Radley.

Trewser · 08/12/2019 22:45

Winchester surely

happygardening · 08/12/2019 23:06

I suspect that the OP is too late for Winchester.

Nunoftheother · 08/12/2019 23:44

I also don’t think coed necessarily means less testosterone filled boys.

No, but presumably fewer testosterone-filled boys, all least proportionally.

Nunoftheother · 08/12/2019 23:47

DH is very keen on an all boys school though because he went to an all boys school.

Is your DH gay? What's important is what's right for your son, not your DH's vicarious nostalgia trip.

UnaCorda · 09/12/2019 00:07

Would you say your experience is the same for most LGBT boys at Radley?

Don't mean to be rude, but you do know that L stands for lesbian in this context?!

Original poster
Saarah1977 · 09/12/2019 00:13

@Nunoftheother

Is your DH gay? What's important is what's right for your son, not your DH's vicarious nostalgia trip.

I hope not and I do agree with your point

OP posts:
Original poster
Saarah1977 · 09/12/2019 00:15

@UnaCorda

Don't mean to be rude, but you do know that L stands for lesbian in this context?!

I know but I’m not sure if everyone would understand what I meant by GBT

OP posts: