Boarding school for DS

[Saarah1977]

DS who is 11 came out as gay recently. We’re completely happy with him being gay and he knows that. However, DH and I travel a lot for work. We move every 3/ 4 years so we have been planning on sending DS to boarding school for year 9 - when DS is 13.

We have a list of schools that interests us and I’d be interested to know what your thoughts are on how inclusive they are and what’s the best school for DS. We will likely be posted in Europe for the next few years so we can travel back for weekends regularly to see him.

DS is popular at his international school. He enjoys playing sport but he’s not very competitive. He really enjoys drama. His friends are mainly boys however he is not boisterous. He can be very sensitive especially if anyone makes fun of him for being gay.

DH is most interested in Tonbridge School (DH’s favourite - he went there), Dulwich College, Abingdon School, Radley College. However, I’m very keen with Brighton College. What are your thoughts on these schools?

No, but presumably fewer testosterone-filled boys, all least proportionally.

The benefit of co education would be that there are more personality types for him to mix with and find himself. I’m worried with an all boys school he would feel pressured to conform to a certain personality type

I worked as a house parent in 4 different boarding schools over a period of 15 years & both my now adult children attended boarding schools. The schools I worked in were all part of the government's Music & Dance Scheme schools

I taught at Epsom college for many years. You'll have no problem with DS's orientation there. It is within easy reach of London's airports too. A friendly, open school that will bring out the best in your child.

Have a look at King's Canterbury- seemed very visibly LGB inclusive. I know one boy who left Radley after GCSEs because he was being made miserable for being bisexual. I'd echo the comments about needing somewhere with full rather than effectively weekly boarding. Tonbridge empties at weekends

I'm not sure I'd choose a school based on my 11 year olds sexuality. The majority of schools are tolerant and encourage diversity these days.

My son went to Teddie's (st Edwards Oxford) and it was brilliant for him. Pastoral care very good and a good inclusive place. Quaker schools are also very good on inclusivity.

Dear God, don't send him to Winchester! My dd's boyfriend is there and inclusivity is not something that springs to mind.

@LissJas Are you able to expand a little on his/your experience of Winchester?

Tonbridge is excellent and the boarding facilities are really good. Also, St Edwards Oxford is a place with great facilities for full boarding. We have girls at Cheltenham Ladies' Coll. btw and one is lesbian - 14. The school is so inclusive and I hope you will celebrate your son being gay. Message anytime if want a friendly ear.

@LissJas interesting my DS2 went there he left in 2016 one of the reasons we choose it was because it encourages boys to be themselves, I know there were quite a few openly gay boys (and dons) and no one seemed to care all were accepted. There’s a new head there now maybe things have changed.

Tonbridge is a great school but as said above it’s pretty empty at the weekends wouldn’t be my choice if I wanted full boarding (head was quite open about it not being a full boarding school) in fact that’s why we didn’t choose it.
Secondly haven’t looked at their website but don’t they pre test in yr 6 what year is your DS in? I’m s

If you’re looking at Tonbridge have you considered Sevenoaks school? It’s co-ed these days.

as long as he isn't camp he will be fine.

So if he is camp then he has to pretend to be someone he isn’t benbrown123????? Doesn’t sound like the sort of school I would want my child at.

Imo, Dulwich is pretty much alpha male territory and the two quirkier boys we know there aren't really enjoying it very much. Plus it's not full boarding and is mostly international students. I got the same impression from Tonbridge. Sevenoaks felt more liberal but again, few full boarders.
I've heard good things about Haileybury.

My first thought was one of the overtly progressive schools, like Bedales or Frencham Heights. But the lovely post from @benbrown123 is really reassuring if you like the look of Radley. It's more academic than Bedales or Frencham.

(The clue's in the username).

Lots of the boys are gay, or bi, or not sure what they are. My DS is gay. There is absolutely no stigma attached to any of it. They're more interested in who's good at stuff than they are in anyone's sexuality, race, religion etc. It is a fabulously welcoming and inclusive community.

Not saying it is the right place for your son, OP (and you've missed the application dates anyway) - but just to say that single sex doesn't necessarily mean macho. Overall, it's better to find a school that will bring out your son's best self, whatever that might be. On this score, I wouldn't fuss too much about finding schools that take part in Pride etc. Your son isn't just gay: if he is gay, that is just part of what makes him his own wonderful self, and it's more important for his school to bring this out (especially if the school is acting in loco parentis for a good part of the year). What if he just wants to get on with being gay quietly, and isn't interested in being out and proud?

Go and look at the schools, and see which would be a good fit.

Agree with PP about full boarding.

Sexuality didn't even come into consideration for our choice of school, other than DD actually wanted co-ed for Sixth form. Another here for St Edwards Oxford (Teddies). Some do go home at weekends, but DD rarely did despite being an hour down the road. They put on a bus from there to London at weekends, leave weekends and end term to make it easier to get train/airport connections. However, coaches from Oxford to Gatwick/Heathrow go every 20 mins and are excellent. The school are very open to questions/personal visits so worth a call if nothing else. If you have any questions, PM me. DD had a very happy time there.

Agree with Ben about Radley, btw. A great school.

My son boarded at Tonbridge. One of the boys in his year in his house came out. No one batted an eyelid as far as I could see. Very accepting. Loved the school. My only misgiving would be that most boys, except the overseas students, are weekly boarders.

I would also feel positive about Radley. My ds is at an all-boy feeder prep for Radley (and Abingdon) and (at least in my opinion) it seems that boys are more gentle and open to things that in a co-ed school they might possibly had thought fwas more for girls (like music, reading, art etc). Radley is great for music and drama and is full boarding. Abingdon great school, too, but mainly day pupils.

St Edward's is also very friendly and arty school,. It has a bit of an edge though - kids tend to be 'the cool (but nice and fun)' kids, so it would possibly suit a very social, soul of the party type kid more than someone a bit more shy. Do you have the opportunity to visit shortlisted schools more than once to get a feel for them and an idea where ds would fit best?

A bit odd to choose a secondary school based on your son's sexuality. It can't be a deciding factor in a school search surely? All schools will have gay boys and/or girls and I doubt it will make any difference to anyone. I guess it's more likely that an all-boys school will have more gay boys (simply on numbers) and he might find romance easier (if that's at all a consideration for secondary school).

The more artsy schools tend to be very inclusive. My friend is gay and teaches at uppingham.

Do you think that a mixed sex school might be a nicer environment for him, include more balance and potentially sensetivity. Sevenoaks is international, mixed and sunday times voted best in UK....could be worth checking out but very academic so not sure if he would get in. Good luck.