VG state secondary or VG public school?

[Anotherskoolquestion]

After years of aggro re: schools, we have the luxury of this choice.

DC in second year of a very, very good state secondary, one of those ones people say 'wow' when you tell them where, as it's so sought after, and very happy there, doing well in everything, prefect etc.

They have also been offered a place at one of the best boarding schools in the country with a bursary. But it would be a real financial struggle. We also have another child who we would have to do the same for.

One friend says to me never move a happy child. DC is so happy where they are. And we would have to seriously cut back financially, even with a bursary, to afford the boarding school. I mean, we would have a real problem I think.

But DC is quite shy and I wonder if this school might help them become more confident and give them that private school polish that you just do get at an establishment like this one. I don't mean that in a snobby way, more in a being confident helps you achieve more in life way.

I think I know the answer. I think we leave DC where they are and count our blessings. But I wanted to put it out there to see if anyone else had been in the same boat, or if anyone had any words of wisdom.

Sorry to be vague but don't want to out myself to a couple of people who are on here.

Thank you

I'd say leave them where they are, and save your money for additional tutoring if needed / university / house deposit. They're at a great school where they are happy, why risk it?

How does your child feel about it? Presumably (to have got to this stage) they have willingly gone through the application process for the independent school. And presumably you’ve gone through the bursary process?

Was the bursary offered smaller than you would have hoped? They’re supposed to make your lives better all round, not put you in a position where you’re worse off and struggling.

I’m really not sure that some vague hope of extra ‘polish’ is a sufficiently strong justification when it seems likely your child will thrive and do well academically at their current school.

No no no do not move them IMO.

and very happy there, doing well in everything, prefect etc.

Your own words there. I really do believe you shouldn't move a happy child. When they're happy they learn. You've no idea how they'll settle in a boarding school. They could be incredibly disrupted and miserable. That won't help the shyness you perceive. And 'private school polish' is not about where they went making them like that - it is about esteem and confidence. And a happy person usually as both of those.

Oh gosh thank you all so much. Your replies are SO helpful and really what I was after, I think. Thank you.

DC wants to stay put. Not averse to the other school, and likes the look of it, but says I'm really happy where I am, I don't want to move.

Thank you all. I really appreciate your advice. Thank you

Do NOT move your child. They are happy and doing well at an excellent school - what more can you want ?

A shy child whose parents are not well off will be an easy target for bullying at a posh private school.

And how could you possibly do the same for your second child ? There’s no way of knowing if they would get a bursary .

What were your reasons for applying for the boarding school?

I’d leave them but maybe spend some cash on extra confidence boosting activity

Going to the local school, and having opportunities to become self sufficient, navigate public transport, open a bank account, go shopping, return items, go to cinema, join local sports/interest groups go to Nando's with friends are all far more easily available to him now than they would be if he boarded, and all will develop confidence.

Why did your daughter sit the entry exam if she didn’t want to go ? She must have done very well to be offered such a generous bursary.

A shy child whose parents are not well off will be an easy target for bullying at a posh private school.

There’s a lot to unpack in this statement!

A genuinely shy child - one who habitually hangs back and thus loses opportunities to connect with peers or show what they’re capable of - would probably find moving to a boarding school a massive struggle. Generally I’d say gregariousness is fairly vital is this environment - but even the less sociable children need to be able to hold their own.

A school with a well established bursary system that covers a significant fraction of pupils is not (should not be) one where parental wealth determines popularity.

From current observation I wouldn’t say that ‘poshness’ plays much of a role in boarding school life right now - not amongst the pupils anyway. It may matter to their parents. It inevitably separates people during holidays. But day to day, what matters is whether each individual child can thrive in the boarding environment and shape it to suit them. That’s something they have to do themselves, irrespective of Mummy’s bank account. And essentially the most basic building block is that they really need to want to be there.

It's obvious you're making a conscious effort to conceal your DC's gender and I guess for good reason(s) too. This makes it harder (for me, at least) to evaluate which "very, very good state secondary" and which "one of the best boarding schools in the country" you're talking about in order for me to give an opinion.

We applied ages ago, before DC even started at their current school, and like us, they were very impressed by the school. We applied to several schools, state and private. DH and I both boarded at public schools, and would be termed 'posh', for what that's worth these days, but we're not in the City/lawyers, so always knew fees would be a struggle.

Thanks all again for the very helpful comments - you've definitely helped me make the decision to stay put.

One friend says to me never move a happy child

Your friend is absolutely right. If it ain't broken don't fix it.

A genuinely shy child - one who habitually hangs back and thus loses opportunities to connect with peers or show what they’re capable of - would probably find moving to a boarding school a massive struggle. Generally I’d say gregariousness is fairly vital is this environment - but even the less sociable children need to be able to hold their own.

I also agree with this ^^

I'd say leave your child where they are, and as a PP suggested, encourage them to do additional activities that could increase their confidence. Mini United Nations, debating, voluntary work, DofE etc.

And I say that as someone deciding between a very good state and an excellent private for DD at the moment.

I would absolutely leave then where they are. You can spend the money on outside clubs instead.

DS2 does a hobby with children who are at a lot of the top London private schools. A parent once said to me, in a slightly amazed voice, that she considered that DS was having the same education, including the 'soft skills" as her ds.

LAMDA, for example, is fabulous for building confidence in public speaking, but I pay half of what the private schools charge

"I think I know the answer. I think we leave DC where they are and count our blessings. But I wanted to put it out there to see if anyone else had been in the same boat, or if anyone had any words of wisdom."

Clearly, you've your mind already made up as you confirmed above yourself and I don't see what's the point of you starting this thread as no amount of wise words from another point of view would make any difference. Good luck and all the very best to you and DC anyway!

If the current school is a high achieving grammar, I'd probably leave him there. If it's a nice comp, I'd be tempted by the public school if you feel your DC could thrive as a boarder.

OP, from what you’ve written here it doesn’t sound as if moving to the independent school would be life changing for your child. You already have access, it seems, to pretty much everything the potential new school could offer, so you’d have little to gain in exchange for financial constraint.

Hello@Anotherskoolquestion
We were in a similar position to you , our DS is now in his 2nd year at a top boys boarding school. It been the best decision we ever made . He was achieving very well in his state grammar school , I imagine similar to your son . Your offer could possibly be to my son's school.

I was concerned that he would feel out of place as our financial circumstances are so far removed from from the vast majority of the boys . We had nothing to worry about as he settled in wonderfully and is making the the most of the fantastic opportunities on offer. His confidence is now on par with all the other boys . Right from the start we were told by the school that they had very high hopes for him , they have more than delivered so far . The pastoral care is outstanding , his housemaster is wonderful as are all the support staff.

He has represented the school in national competitions and he feels that there is nothing he can't achieve . The boys are expected to work very hard but he never feels under pressure. He had great friends from the UK and overseas. We as a family feel that it is worth the sacrifice and are excited to be on the journey with him.

The only negative comments that I receive.are from parents in the town where we live , but when I see my son thriving I don't pay much attention.
You need to make the right decision for your family but I just wanted to share my our story with you. Best of luck to you and your son x

Apologies, have read your post again you haven't said DS is s boy ..

In response to what you can do locally and what you allegedly, cannot do at boarding school, this is simply not the case. DC have bank accounts, go into town, shop, and eat at Nandos, get pizzas delivered, and definitely get taxis and public transport on exeats. No, they don’t join local clubs but boarding schools replicate home. DC who board are not locked away from life!

I would echo that your DC would have to want to go to the boarding school.

However take into consideration the sixth form curriculum and choices at both schools. Excellent state schools will still be restricted in what they offer subject wise, (perhaps even more so by the time your DC gets to that stage) and in some the majority of pupils will select STEM subjects which has an added effect on reducing breadth of subjects. Although revisiting a change for sixth form may be possible, for some boarding schools places are even more competitive than for year 9.
I know a fair number of students whose trajectories have been altered by being able to develop an interest in a subject or being able to take particular combinations that would not be available in the state system.

Stick with state until 16, but boarding for 6th form worked really well for us

It's a tricky age to move for any kid, especially a shy one. If they are happy, settled, and achieving, leave it be especially as you have a second child to consider. Presumably they'd have a good chance of a scholarship for 6th form, as an option. Spend the money saved on some clubs, tuition for any weak subjects, and a couple fantastic holidays.

Sympathy with the feeling that you should offer your kids the education you had, but given I don't have a company paying the school fees, boarding isn't happening here.

My DS2 at yr 9 had the choice of a very very good comp a walkable distance (with spaces) a top 5 super selective grammar school or a place at a one of the "best boarding schools in the country". In the grand scheme of the things we're not wealthy and the fees were a definite struggle for us.
I have never regretted our decision to go with the top boarding school. I don't believe he would he better results from the boarding school because he would have done well wherever he went but I do believe he got a broader more balanced education; an intellectually stimulating education, an education where things were learnt about because they were there not because it improved your chances of getting better grades. I know he wouldn't have got in any state school (I have worked in the state sector so I know what goes on an even the most sought after school).
Secondly the extra curricular activities at a top boarding school are endless it is not possible for any state school to provide them or realistically any parent however dedicated. My DS's school offered 30+ concerts a term, 10-12 plays a term, at least 1 often 2 lectures a week by a well expert in their field, 60 + extra curricular activities from the obvious e.g. running through to astronomy to the niche the Medieval manuscript society, so something for everyone and plenty time given over most days to do them.

Having said all of this boarding its not for everyone and I am a great proponent of it. To successfully board you have to be quite robust and resilient. I have worked in top boarding schools as well the state sector and 95% are very happy but a small number aren't for them boarding doesn't work, Its hard to know in advance who it will work for and who it wont. But if your DC doesn't want to move then that is a worry. Many find settling into a new school difficult (in both sectors both day and boarding) and coming form the state sector to a top boarding school can be a large culture shock so if your DC is not to fully signed up to the idea then they may struggle.
Finally I dont know if sending a shy child to a boarding school "might help them become more confident and give them that private school polish" and Im not sure what that "private school polish" means TBH but if that's your main motivation then you may be disappointed. My DS has boarded all his life he is reserved (not shy) by nature, he has been a reserved since birth, he has never been very friendly to people he doesn't know,, he is a lone wolf and a watcher and likes to take his time getting to know people, school has not and I believe should not change a Childs innate personality. What I most liked about his top boarding school was unlike his prep where he couldn't conform to what they wanted, he was that allowed him to be the person he is. For us it was worth every penny however much we struggled to find them.