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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Being 'that' parent is impacting on my mental health.

27 replies

IcanandIwill · 14/10/2019 21:43

So my ds is struggling at school. I've had to push for assessments etc, that are slowly happening but a lot of basic stuff is also being missed. Anyway, I've had to complain a lot lately, now the head walks the other way when she sees me coming and I get this awful anxiety and lurching feeling when I walk into the playground. Any ideas on where to go from here. If I don't stick up for my poor boy theb who will? But in doing so I have no good working relationship with the school. Or at least it feels like I don't and its making me dread the school run.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 14/10/2019 21:48

How old is he, whatbis he being assessed for, who requested the assessments, have you argued with the school?

Original poster
IcanandIwill · 14/10/2019 22:00

He's year 3, under assessment for dyslexia, adhd ruled out. He's miserable and so behind at school. I've not argued but I have had to request properly differentiated homework etc.

OP posts:
MollysMummy2010 · 14/10/2019 22:04

You might get better advice in primary board if he is year 3. Does the school have a specific SEN lead you can contact rather than the head?

IceCreamConewithaflake · 14/10/2019 22:33

Maybe take a step back? If school are concerned they will put in interventions. They will have lots of experience in this. They have to show progress so it's unlikely they would leave a child struggling if interventions would help.

MrPickles73 · 15/10/2019 07:16

We've had a stressful time at primary school, safeguarding incident with DS1 and eventually removing him from the school, 3 HTs in as many years and the chair of governors is a total tool. Whenever I see, hear of the latter or he sends one of his self congratulatory letters to all parents I feel sick. I used to listen to children read and be on the PTA and school governors. Now I just walk DS2 to school. I have a good relationship with the TAs and teachers but literally feel nauseous thinking about the prIck of a CoG. So taking a step back is all I can do to survive. We will move our other kids next year and all exhale.

ChilledBee · 15/10/2019 07:17

Do not back off. Keep going or your child won't get anything.

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 15/10/2019 07:23

We have had our dd year 3 recently assessed for dyslexia. We had to go private as the school dosent have the funding for the assessment. Is this an option? Now we have the assessment the school are fully on board and supporting her with the recommendations that the assessment says.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 15/10/2019 07:46

Try to get a private assessment or ask the school for one. It is unprofessional of the Head to walk away from you. You are trying to do the best for your child.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 15/10/2019 07:47

P.s. Year 3 is the best time to get a dyslexia assessment done as they are reluctant to diagnose this before age 7.

TeenPlusTwenties · 15/10/2019 07:52

I'd look at other schools to see whether they will be more supportive.

Original poster
IcanandIwill · 15/10/2019 08:49

Thanks all. I think I needed reassurance that I was doing the right thing. It's hard walking in there everyday. Formal assessment is now happening which is a good thing and I do wonder if it would have happened with out me stomping my feet a little. Anyway, the school run is done for today and the private tutoring went well last night. So let's hope the rest of the week goes well.

OP posts:
TwoRedShoes · 15/10/2019 18:57

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
IcanandIwill · 15/10/2019 19:03

Thank you TwoRedShoes. It helps, it really does. I guess it was wearing me down. It still is but I will keep pushing.

Also, I was clearly not thinking straight when I posted on the wrong board!!

I guess if anyone has any ideas on how I can form a good working relationship I'd be interested. In the meantime, I'll just keep doing what I can for my boy.

OP posts:
Yerroblemom1923 · 15/10/2019 19:08

I wouldn't worry about the PTA or Chair of Governors, they're usually just busybodies with nothing better to do than involve themselves in school gossip!
Keep doing what you're doing. As others have said I'm sure the school is working on it, it just might not look that way as results take time, frustrating though that is for you.

TwoRedShoes · 15/10/2019 19:17

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

NailsNeedDoing · 15/10/2019 19:17

Its sad to hear things like this, but you aren't alone. Schools really are struggling and there is often only so much they can do.

What is it that you feel is being missed?

As for getting a good working relationship with the school focus on your child's class teacher. Is it a new one this year? Be thankful for the things that you feel they do right, and take any advice that they give you.

Homework is often differentiated on outcome, even if all children are given the same task. Spend however long you think is appropriate doing the homework, and even if only a little bit gets done then write a note on it, or stick a post it note on it saying how long you spent doing the work and what your child didn't understand. If they ask you to read every day and sign the diary then do it, and remember that your anxiety could well be making you think that the school thinks less of you than they actually do in reality.

Pineapplemintandstrawberrysage · 15/10/2019 19:31

I think you are doing the right thing. Heads walking away from you is not a good sign though. Make sure to make an appointment to talk to the teacher or head instead of catching them in the playground to complain, if you want to keep good relationships with school.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 15/10/2019 22:08

Have you been polite and reasonable? Have you listened? Have you responded when you have listened (rather than just repeating your demands)? If you have nothing to be concerned about in terms of your conduct, keep going. If you believe the HT might be walking away from you for good reasons, reflect on that, but don’t give up on behalf of your son.

BubblesBuddy · 15/10/2019 22:48

Why do you need to go in there every day? Have I missed something? Wait with the other parents and ensure DC is able to get into school without your supervision.

MissNorma · 15/10/2019 22:55

Yep me too.

Just remember you're not there to be their mate, you're there to advocate for your child.

No one else will do it.

Be polite, be reasonable, but don't feel bad about it.

PandaTurtle · 17/10/2019 12:35

I have one with SN (ASD) and so lots of experience of this and it is very difficult and time consuming.

I've always got on well with Heads (had 4 at primary) and that does help with getting things done. I tend to compliment wherever I can as well as complain so you don't look like you are a constant complainer. I also explain I understand it must be really difficult. I thank people who help. I also accept sometimes my child is being a PITN.

I do think you need to advocate for all your child's needs - it rarely happens automatically and I always feel for the kids who don't have a parent at home who advocates for them. You are doing the right thing but would try and improve relationship with Head if you get chance.

Original poster
IcanandIwill · 17/10/2019 12:52

Thanks everyone. I must reiterate this is primary (as posted earlier I had posted on wrong board). So yes, I must go into the playground everyday as he is 7!

It's reassuring yet saddening to hear that others have been in the same place. I have experience of an incredibly proactive and supportive school in another part of the country and I guess that heightens my frustration.

But this is what we have to deal with. I am doing all we can to support externally with extra specialist tutoring and positive encouragement when he talks of school refusing. Ultimately I want to help my child, I've had to push for basic stuff like a reading book set at his actual reading level. We do all the homework that is set but do tell them when he cannot complete it. There have been lots of staff changes and inconsistencies that have impacted on his experience of school this term.

I know schools are pushed and I always acknowledge this. I know there are children struggling more so than mine. I also know he's 7 and isn't always accurate in his interpretation of events.

Yesterday I sobbed at my desk in work feeling thoroughly beaten by the whole situation. Today is a new day and I hope that we will get somewhere.

OP posts:
EyeoftheStorm · 17/10/2019 13:04

Very good advice here and I second everything tworedshoes saud.

On another thread someone referred to it as being a ‘velvet bulldozer’.

Nothing wrong with having a good cry - things are hard and you’re worried and out of your comfort zone. I hate talking/emailing/pushing school, but I do it because no one else will. No one else knows my DCs like I do and I will get them what they need.

PleaseNoFortnite · 19/10/2019 00:16

Welcome to being a parent of a child with SEN! You mustn't let it get you down, you're advocating for your child and the way things are with funding for schools they just won't get anything if you don't push for it.

If you have any time or energy left to help fund raise for the school, so that they can afford specialists and extra help, that's a positive way to get noticed and you'll get on better terms with the teachers if you all realise that you're on the same side.

PleaseNoFortnite · 19/10/2019 00:19

I have two with ASD and various combinations of ADHD (on meds) and dyspraxia, one with EHCP and one without.