Is anyone else's DC hating their new secondary?

[zafferana]

DS1 has moved to an excellent school in our town. It's very competitive to get in and we were all delighted when he did. One other DC from his previous school got a place and he's a nice boy that DS gets on with, but he's not one of DS's group of best mates.

The problem is that he's miserable I know it's only day two, but I just had a text from him saying 'I am depressed'. He has NEVER been depressed about school before, bored yes, but not depressed. I think the issue is that he was really popular at his primary and had loads of friends. All those friends though have gone to the senior school of his old (non-academic) school. We do feel that this new school is a better fit for him, but how can I make him feel better? I'm being brisk and jolly and urging him to give it time, but he's just glum.

I'm posting for a bit of support too. My DD started yr7 on 3rd Sept. A majority of pupils from her primary have started the same school. Although a lot from her old school are there, she doesn't know anyone in her new lessons. She sits alone in every class with no encouragement from the teacher to get stuck in. It seems the classes are full off children who either know each other or have quickly struck up friendships. She has friends to sit with at break times and play out with after school but it breaks my heart to think she is sat alone in lessons. She is a lovely girl and has always been well liked. She tells me that she doesn't mind sitting alone but I can see on her face that it upsets her.

I was hoping by week 2 that she would have been at least chatting to new people. She has low confidence when she hasn't got the support of her long term friends with her. What's annoying is, is that all her close friends have been placed in classes with each other so they instantly have that comfort in each class.

I have called the school today to see if they can pop a note on the register to try and sit her with people. Each individual teacher is bound to assume it's only in their lesson that she sits alone.

Mumofdiamonds - can she really sit alone in lessons? Our school doesn't have space for them to sit on their own, they have to be at least in pairs and the teachers have mostly done seating plans whilst they learn people's names so they are given a seat next to someone plus a lot of their lessons so far have included a lot of pair or group activities with team building games in tutor time. I would be very surprised if she really is sitting on her own. Unfortunately if a child isn't happy then they tend to dwell on the downsides of things so she might feel like that is the way it is but it is really fairly unlikely unless the school is very undersubscribed.

my daughter isn't with any of her friends from primary but like you they are all in pairs in other forms. At first she was upset about this but now she is seeing the benefits because she is being forced to mix with other people and interestingly is now looking back at some of her primary friends and thinking she isn't really that bothered any more. Some of course are "proper" friends and she loves to meet them outside of lessons but others I think it is a good break from in many ways.

It's such a big change for them, but the whole experience is a valuable life lesson and teaches the children how to deal with so many new experiences.

One week in and it's unlikely they've even been to all of their classes and so haven't met the full range of potential new friends. Secondary schools are pretty hot on class seating plans, streaming and banding, so even children who are at the same school as their besties quite often end up in classes where they know no-one.

Keep communications open with your child about how they are feeling, support them with stories about how you have coped with starting new jobs, courses, schools and also didn't know anyone.

And finally, don't be afraid to email or phone your child's tutor. They really try hard to support their Yr7 students and can discreetly arrange all kinds of situations which will help your child to interact with other students feeling lonely.

It's hard to watch your child struggle and some settle quicker than others, but it genuinely is a necessary skill they need to learn.

We are definitely seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. DD was tagging along with her science friend who had lots of friends from primary school. She said today that said friend has practically stopped hanging out with them and just spend break and lunch with DD. It was a great lesson and she did say she's glad she didn't go to a school for her friends, as they've probably found a new friend and left the rest. I'm sure they'll be lots more ups and downs but so far shes happy and it's nice to see. First week was brutal.

Aww, really glad things are looking up for your girl Malmontar, my DD has certainly finished this week on a high note and has even shrugged off a biggish school timetabling error that has bugged me a bit.

I hope your girl finds some friends soon, emilyW I would certainly contact the school if things don’t improve soon, try not to lose heart. A good school should be working with her to help her settle.

I'm glad to read that some of our DC are now settling in and finding friends and I hope that those who are still struggling have a better week next week.

My DS has definitely been a bit happier this week. His body language is a lot more relaxed and my chatty boy is coming back. He was so quiet the first few days and had a permanent worried scowl on his face, but that's gone and he's started making moronic jokes again, so I know he's doing okay!

And I agree @45andfine. I feel this is a rite of passage that is a necessary part of growing up. If we over protect our DC then we do them do favours down the line. Life is hard and you have to be able to adapt to change, whether it's a new school, going to college/university, starting a new job, moving to another city or country. If you've never done anything that pushes you out of your comfort zone as a DC then it must be much harder as an adult to be brave and make a big move. Ultimately, that might mean you limit your horizons, simply out of fear. I don't want that for my DC.

I had the same suspicions, nonicknames. She came home yesterday in a very bubbly mood, which I was so pleased to see. I asked her about her day and it turns out yesterday she was speaking to a girl in English, a boy in history and she said another boy in Spanish has been making her laugh! So you can imagine my relief. She sits alone in maths, there is a spare seat next to her. But I think it's just that no one speaks to her, not that she sits alone. It's a really good sign that children in other lessons are now building up the courage to chat to her now.

I did speak to the school and they said they will look at switching lessons to her friends but only if they are on the same level/sets. But I am going to call them on Monday and ask them to hold off a while and see how she goes.

I have a DS who's just started year 11. He's the opposite to my DD, he would go up to anyone and speak to them. So this is all new for me.

We've had a much better second week. The class has set up a WhatsApp chat so she's getting to know more people, and she's learnt where and when the buses go. She did get lost one day but spotted her form tutor who took her where she needed to be. She still hasn't collected the calculator though!

All in all, i can see her confidence improving slowly and she's even thinking about a couple of clubs too.

On here for moral support. DD (Y7) still finding the change to a new bigger school very difficult. She really misses her old friends. She is finding change so much harder than we thought she would and is very anxious about the bus commute too. (we're accompanying her for now to at least alleviate that). Have spoken to form teacher and pastoral care is great but she keeps saying she is lonely and has no friends.... :(

That's so hard to hear waytoomuchstress What does the school do to facilitate friendships in these early weeks? Perhaps a quick email to her teacher might be needed? I was reluctant to make any contact, but this week I had to email the teacher about a lost locker key and so I also mentioned that DS1 is very anxious at the moment. He can come across as surly when really he's just worried or upset and he's terrified of getting in trouble (the rules are much stricter at senior and he's already been told off twice for minor infractions!)

do contact the school waytoomuchstress. Honestly I think we are so quick to think that once at secondary we don't want to be overprotective or step in etc but if it isn't going well then the school will want to know so they can support them. Many children adapt and cope but there are also many who struggle at the start for a whole variety of reasons, they are all individuals. All schools will hopefully be supportive and help them to settle if they are aware there is a problem

This has been a much better week... thankfully!

Things are looking up and we've managed to iron out a few issues with the practical stuff and homework. He seems a bit happier now.

Think we definitely underestimated what a huge change secondary would be.

Hope things are improving for everyone on this thread. Its such a stressful time.

Thanks for the messages. I’ve e-mailed the teacher and the year head and spoken to both of them in person. Both were very understanding and they are keeping an eye on her. They said she is managing quite well in terms of finding her way around and following the timetable which is probably true (even if it does stress somewhat and she would hide that well). However, the problem is she is finding it difficult to make friends. While she talks to the girls in her class she hasn’t really gelled with anyone and feels that no-one is interested in her or looking to talk to her. She is lonely and there isn’t much I can do to orchestrate friendships except support her and explain it takes time. I hope the groups haven’t already completely formed. I’m encouraging her to go clubs at lunchtime, sports, audition for music groups and just get involved which she will try to do. In the meantime we have had a lot of tears at home and stress about anything to do with school…