Is anyone else's DC hating their new secondary?

[zafferana]

DS1 has moved to an excellent school in our town. It's very competitive to get in and we were all delighted when he did. One other DC from his previous school got a place and he's a nice boy that DS gets on with, but he's not one of DS's group of best mates.

The problem is that he's miserable I know it's only day two, but I just had a text from him saying 'I am depressed'. He has NEVER been depressed about school before, bored yes, but not depressed. I think the issue is that he was really popular at his primary and had loads of friends. All those friends though have gone to the senior school of his old (non-academic) school. We do feel that this new school is a better fit for him, but how can I make him feel better? I'm being brisk and jolly and urging him to give it time, but he's just glum.

Yes my DD is hating it. Bullying from her 'friendship group' that happened for the whole of the Summer Term in year 6, has now carried on from day 1 in senior school as her primary school is a feeder school. But the bullying is even more vitriolic than year 6
Have requested that she is moved away from them to another learning group to that of a new friend she has made. No response from school yet, desperately waiting to hear as it's getting worse each day and ruining her new start.

That's awful that the bullying has followed her @cannotchange. I do hope the school respond quickly and move her.

My DS's new school is very strict too @formerbabe. He got a 'white slip' on Friday for calling out an answer in class twice and had to have it signed umpteen times yesterday. He didn't tell me until Sunday night, because he thought I might be cross (I wasn't), so he was worrying about it all weekend

I'm glad yesterday was a bit better @name77 (are you also @lookout ?). It's good that he was smiling yesterday. My DS actually talked to me about his day when I picked him yesterday, which is progress.

Its tricky OP but he will hopefully settle. Talking about his day already, thats great.
My DS1 was very unhappy to start with. He is a loner and we chose the school because he needs more structure and a stricter regime and I still think it was the right choice for him. He hates change though, and we moved house two months before the new term (it was just around the corner, but it was still a big thing for him).
He also had to get used to public transport (train) and a massive massive school as opposed to a one-class-per-year local primary. He didn't really have close friends, but obviously he was used to the 30 odd kids he'd known at school since he was 4, and we sent him somewhere else to them.
I got the dreaded phone call from the support worker on day 1 to tell me he was crying and distressed, and the same on day 2 and on day 3 he wouldn't go in at all.
We got there though. It took a few months for him to settle. He started year 8 the other day and to be honest he seemed keen to get to school (he doesn't really enthuse about stuff but he was almost happy) He doesn't have a 'best friend' but he seems content enough to just chat to random kids whenever.
It is overwhelming to start with, especially for quite sheltered kids like mine. The whole dashing from class to class thing when they've stayed in the same room all year, the concept of homework, and organisation and responsibilities that they haven't had before. Strange new people including different teachers for every subject. Plus many of them going through puberty so already hugely hormonal. Its tough.

Can you move him to the school where all his friends are? I was really worried about my son as I hated secondary school and had an awful time. He has ended up in a school where all the boys from his popular group are and he meets them before school, ever break and they all eat together at lunchtime and a new boy has joined them. He is still in his popular group and its has helped his transition immensely. He was going to go to a school where he knew noone and was unhappy about the idea of it. He loves school because of his friends and the food! I never knew just how important his friends were to him and his mental health, it has smoothed the transition. I woud consider moving him now if he is saying he is dperessed and get him back to his friends.

Joining this thread for moral support and in the hope that in a couple of weeks we'll all be wondering what all the fuss was about (fingers crossed!).

My son's just started Y7 in a school where no one from his primary moved to. We live out of catchment to the school all his friends are going to. So he knows absolutely no one.

After the 2 transition days before the summer holidays he was buzzing and saying how amazing it was. Great, we thought, this'll be a piece of cake. Turns out that was all bravado and have since found out he got upset because "everyone" already knew each other and he didn't.

To cut a long story short since he started he's:
-insisted on going on the bus on his first day and stressed himself to high heaven worrying about when to get off (now getting lifts)
-missed the second day with a sickness bug (which I now think was probably just nerves)
-got dropped off by my husband and didn't make arrangements as to how he was getting home (he did make it in the end, don't worry!)

• to cap it all yesterday came home on the bus by himself (more practice!), panicked when he pressed the bell to get off and the bus went past his stop and the next one and left his school bag on the bus with all his stuff in. [Cue a very stressful evening visiting various bus depots before thankfully getting the bag back at 10pm last night)

This morning he's saying he's ill again (evil mum has made him go anyway). He also has a Y7 residential in a couple of weeks that I'm hoping will help but I think his head may have exploded by then!

We're doing everything we can to help reduce stress levels until he gets settled - lifts there and back (with the odd bus home practice), a checklist for packing his bag every day, daily pep talks, advice on how to start conversations (he is painfully shy despite having lots of primary school friends). I'm sure it will get easier in time but had no idea how hard this was going to be for him.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this rather long post...😁

I don't know if I'm being ridiculously precious but my ds's school bag is so heavy, I've been driving him in the mornings. He won't let me pick him up because he enjoys walking home with his friends but he really struggled with the weight. They are told they need to bring in every book every day even if they don't have those lessons...also told to bring their pe kit in every day even though they only have pe on one day a week. He got home last night and threw his bag and uniform on the floor straight away and said he couldn't bear to wear it anymore...they are not allowed to take off their blazers...

DD has been very clingy the last few days. This morning she had another panic attack, crying and have found out that it is partly due to a teacher who is not very nice. What ever an awful impression has been made and it has scared the crap out of my daughter. Only day five. I have tried to explain that in life their will be teachers/people who are just like this and to keep her head down and just do as he says. In all honesty though DD is unconfident and is the good kid so this has not helped one bit. She then said she had a headache before going in due to this teacher. At the moment it has been a big mix of tears and then the next minute smiles.

Thanks for this thread as it is really helping me at the moment. I think this is the first time that DD has had to see what not so nice adults are like which is a massive step away from primary where the teachers were just nice.

formerbabe DD has PE for the first time today and I was thinking poor kid lugging that lot around. However to have to bring it in everyday when they don’t have PE is a bit extreme. I wonder do they do lockers for him? I was going to suggest this to my DD to maybe put her kit in it so she does not have to carry it around after PE

DS is in year 9 now, but I only found out this summer that year 7 was really lonely for him. He went in knowing no-one and as he's not a talker and by nature quite reserved it was hard to tell how it really was. Turns out it wasn't great. No bullying involved, he just took a while to find his place and his people.

He's fine now though, he enjoys school, likes most of his teachers and has quite a gang of good friends, so take heart, things may well right themselves in time.

@GiveMeMoreMash oh my goodness my thoughts are with you. DD has started secondary but with two girls from primary who she was not friends with. She has managed to make some friends but has said that some kids don’t seem very sociable and stick with kids from their own school. I am sure this will change. I think the residential your son goes on will help him settle more. Fingers crossed our kids settle down soon.

my ds was in a similar position a few years ago. we spoke to school who really helped him find a friendship group and settle. A big issue was finding friends at break as not used to size of school and not all being together. so we advised him to organise a regular meeting point. It took most of year 7 for him to feel totally settled but fast forward to year 11 and he's glad he stopped at better school and has amazing friends. keep talking/reassuring him and talk to school. i can guarantee they've had this issue before and are well used to it but I totally get how heartbreaking it is x

Thanks for that @anyoldvic. I hope this is what will happen in time too. My DS does seem to be slowly settling in, but he's still not the carefree boy of primary (I guess maybe this is true of many though?). I know a couple of mums who have boys at my DS's new school and they both said that it's strict and they have to get used to that, but that it's a really good school and once their DC settled in it was fine.

And yes, @crouchendmum1 I could move him back to his old school, but that would be the absolute last resort as he was bored at that school for two years before he left! He had lots of friends and a good time, but now that it's senior I feel we owe it to him to make sure he's in the right school to stretch him academically so he reaches his potential and I don't think that would happen at his old school. TBH, I'm not sentimental about these things! I changed school five times and looking back it was good for me as an adult to have that experience early on of dealing with change, enduring it and learning coping strategies. I don't particularly want either of my DC to stay at the same school from 4-18 (which they could), because I simply don't think it's good preparation for life.

Hugs to all the parents on here and thanks for the support. I hope all our DC find their feet soon.

Thanks everyone for your kind words, good to hear good news stories from people who've gone through it and also good to know we're not alone! Since I posted last I have rung school to explain how he's struggling and spoken to a lovely student support teacher. They're going to make sure his form tutor knows how he's feeling and assign a member of staff to "take him under her wing" so he has someone who'll check in with him to see how he's getting on. Fingers crossed for a better day today......

@user1483778494

No lockers...I've actually told him that he doesn't have to take it in if he hasn't got pe...and I'll take it up with the school if he gets in trouble!

Gosh, that is crazy about the ‘all books and PE kit every day’, think you are right to tell him not to bother!

DD is still finding it very hard, she seems to have made one friend and sees her at lunch/break but the only lesson she has with her is PE, sure she will make some friends in her form and in other lessons but it’s like she just wants to fast forward to that point and hates going through the getting-to-know-you stage. She also says she is finding the work hard despite being pretty clever, just wonder if in primary school she never had to try very hard. I did email her form tutor last night just letting him know that she is very low and if he could offer any reassurance to her that everyone finds this time hard etc but haven’t heard back yet.

Big hugs to all kids and parents of kids who are struggling, sure it will get easier soon.

my ds was in a similar position a few years ago. we spoke to school who really helped him find a friendship group and settle. A big issue was finding friends at break as not used to size of school and not all being together. so we advised him to organise a regular meeting point. It took most of year 7 for him to feel totally settled but fast forward to year 11 and he's glad he stopped at better school and has amazing friends. keep talking/reassuring him and talk to school. i can guarantee they've had this issue before and are well used to it but I totally get how heartbreaking it is x

all books and PE kit in every day

Are you sure that you/he haven't misunderstood? This sounds ridiculous and I can't think of any logic behind it.

Re bullying to whichever poster it was.

Ring the school every day until they have seen you (or go in and wait if you have time). It is unacceptable for them not to be stamping on any bullying hard and fast. If they don't even attempt action then I'd look at moving.

Check whether your DC's new schools run buddy schemes. Many will assign year 9 or 10s to each class or smaller groups to help them sort out any issues (like taking all their stuff with them each day) or help introduce those who are feeling lost to potential friends.

That sounds very extreme with bringing everything everyday. Our DD has only had 2 pieces of homework set so far in science and art which are her favourite so doesn't mind. Thankfully she found a friend in science and has latched onto her. This girl has come with friends from her primary school who are all in DDs PE Art and science lessons so she is happy now. She says she doesn't really talk to them just listens so hopefully she will open up soon.

We spoke with our senco and she has assured us that all the new y7s struggle. Even the ones with tonnes of friends from primary as they're often the ones that have friendship issues the quickest. It'll get better.

I also had to send DS to a completely different school to his mates . Weirdly year 6 he was more miserable . And really it was draining and upsetting as had meltdown every night . He got a less desirable school
And had to hear a lot of shit spoken by parents

I feel sad he has lost his friends (and none have replied to his texts which makes
Me feel ) but actually he has been OK
Frankly if he isn’t having a
Meltdown every night that’s a win win

It’s surprised me how hard it’s all been and I do think the UK system is harsh whereby we out little kids in with teenagers

I really hope that everyone settles into it and finds their way

Dd1 was like this in year 7, she started completely alone and the school
Weren't really interested in helping the children that started without knowing anyone.

She kind of tagged onto a group of four girls but didn't really make friends, she didn't see anyone during the weekends or school
Holidays and was quite lonely and withdrawn, she gave up all the sports she'd been keen on and doing for years and refused to join any clubs.

Towards the end of year 8 she went on a school trip And made lots of real good friends, she like a completely different girl now and is much, much happier.

Give it time and hopefully he will find his people, or they will find him!

DS has just gone into Y8. Y7 was hard. Although he knew loads of people at the school (from primary and from a sports team), he's a quiet anxious boy and it was all just overwhelming. He came from a largeish but lovely caring primary to a largeish all boys comp and was immediately shocked by the language, the pushing/shoving in corridors, the rudeness, the boring lessons ("I'll write this on the board, you copy it") and the fact that most of the teachers don't see enough of you to get to know you or appear to care at all. There was also some verbal bullying. It seemed to us that the school was all talk about their high expectations, discipline, etc as they didn't seem to be able to stamp the low-level bad behaviour out.

He was in a class with his best friend but in a way that meant they totally depended on each other - spending all of school together, walking there and back together and often playing games on their consoles together in the evening - so actually they got fed up of each other. They did make a couple of other friends eventually but otherwise keep themselves to themselves, eg won't join any clubs.

I don't think it was helped by being too shy/anxious to ask for help so eg ended up rarely eating lunch as couldn't work out the system for paying for anything other than the sandwiches. We mentioned to his form tutor who said she would get BoyB to show him, but BoyB didn't and DS wouldn't ask him to.

He spent Y7 saying he hated school, though at least never refused to go. I wouldn't say he's completely changed in Y8, but there has been a definite shift into being more positive about it, eg comes home some days enthusing about doing well in a particular lesson or teacher.

So don't necessarily expect miracles, it will take time but hopefully it will get better.

Following for moral support.. my ds is day 6 of high school and has spent the evening sobbing. She doesn’t know anyone (she had an awful time with friendships and bullying in primary- so we thought this was the best idea) and hasn’t really made any friends. A girl she did make friends with left her on her own today with her lunch tray to go and sit with her primary school friends- she had nowhere to sit and ended up perched on a bench before running to the toilets to cry and text me to come home.
I of course didn’t let her (despite being devastated myself) and have tried to be as positive as possible.
She suffers with social anxiety and I’m really worried about her settling in and making friends as she’s always found this hard to do.
It’s a huge school with 1200 students and I can only imagine how she feels being alone all break/lunch time.. she has tried talking to girls (all girls school) but they don’t seem interested and are straight to they’re primary school pals.

She is so lonely, she just needs one friend to stick with her and she would be so so happy. She has never had a best friend

Wondering if I made the right decision putting her in a school where she doesn’t know anybody at all- genuinely considered moving her today.. after 6 days!! I thought it was just me, so I’m really glad I found this post.

My heart breaks for these kids, year 7 is so tough!!

X

@zafferana thanks for starting this! With my friends who also have Year 7s everything seems to be going really really well so a bit hesitant to say anything otherwise - unless we are all keeping up a front!

DD’s first 2 weeks has been really up and down. She & one other girl she disliked at Primary are the only ones going to her secondary. She’s missing her friends, the journey on the buses is quite often running late so she has to run to get into school and everyone else (apparently - sure this isn’t 100%true) is still clinging to their Primary school groups and ignoring her (she says) when she tries to join in. Yesterday she called me crying outside of school - the other local girl who she disliked from Primary (as she was spiteful to pretty much everybody) called her ‘the most stuck up person she’d ever met and a massive cry baby’. Pretty hard to have your DD crying down the phone, refusing to go into the school (which she did do but was late!),

As another PP has said, they will find their own grooves and people and that could take a month, a term, a year but unfortunately all we can do is be supportive in the background!