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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Summer hols - no one to meet, DC's suggestions being blanked

34 replies

JoyceDivision · 04/08/2019 22:22

....not sure if there is any advice here or more just support...

DD finished year 7, gained place in a highly sought after secondary school (main feeder high school everyone else in her class went to, and which DD would have attended had she not received this place is dire- in special measures, so for her best shot education wise we opted for the place she has now)

DD is not hugely confident, she is a follower, not a leader. Exceptionally polite, funny, and grateful for friendships she forms.

The school she attends takes about 1/4 from local area and then 3/4 from wider catchment area, looking at people travelling 8 miles plus easily to attend. DD didn't have tuition to obtain a place, but many pupils did (not a stealth boat, DD is certainly not one of the high performers in the school) so it does not have a cluster of pupils who live close by.

So, we are in the holidays and so far one person has arranged to meet with DD. This is some DD has got to know part v way through the year, they have lots of other friends, but DD really looking forward to meeting up.

However, her main group of friends, while sharing posts on Instagram (I'm not a fan of social media but we v agreed DD could have this as it was the main form of communication and we weighed up pros and cons of her feeling left out without it) sandy suggestions to meet up are being ignored.

She hasn't got a huge circle of friends so the refusal to arrange anything has really upset her, although she is trying to not show it. I've suggested contacting people she gets on with but who might not be her main friends, but she said it would look silly her contacting them and they'd probably say no.

I'm dreading the rest of the holidays. We have a week away which means she wouldn't be able to meet anyone then but after that we'be got the rest of the holidays to fill.

I'be said when she goes back to school she has to get the bus home rather than me picking her up most of the time so she is mixing with people out of school (and I'd be happy if she wanted to hang out for a bit after school with others) but she had a bit of a melt down just before school broke up saying she feels nervous and worried all the time, she's really self conscious and worried people are always looking at her.

I'be emailed her new head of year so they are aware of this when she goes back, but otherwise I'm at a loss as to what to do.

She attends a ballet class but only been doing it a year with a couple of others so nothing social wise from that. She hates public situations, so anything new I suggest, drama club, dance classes, etc all meet with a terrified no.

Any comments appreciated.

OP posts:
Becles · 04/08/2019 22:26

Would suggest Guides as an extra curricular

Guiloak · 04/08/2019 22:49

It's a tricky age for the holidays they are too old to have playdates arranged for them and pretty hopeless at arranging to meet up with friends.

Friendships often change a lot in year 8. The bus sounds like a good idea. Are there no clubs she can do at school to widen her circle of friends?

There are lots of summer camps in my area for this age group they are usually specialist drama/dance/coding/a sport at least that will kill a few days in the hols.

theconstantinoplegardener · 04/08/2019 22:51

Is she still in touch with any of her friends from primary school? Perhaps she'd enjoy catching up with them. It can be quite comforting to have friends who don't attend the same school, as the friendship is unaffected by the drama and politics of whatever is happening at school.

Original poster
JoyceDivision · 04/08/2019 22:54

Clubs take place over lunch in school, she attends them as part of a group, all good when at school.

The holiday seems to have confirmed she is surplus to requirements as far as her group.of friends go.

I'm determined to.increase her independence in year 8, I've signed her up for a local drama club which she will be really annoyed about as it will go back to her r tortured people are looking at her, being self conscious etc, but I really feel like she needs her own group or club for out of school that will have potential for social development.

OP posts:
christmas2020 · 04/08/2019 22:57

Agree it's a tricky age and my 2 DCs didn't really meet up much with others during and after y7. Lots of people are away in the summer, or still at the age of doing family things etc. Kids from DCs schools went to loads of different secondaries so they tried to meet up with a few primary school friends in the summer.
DD gets on with lots of girls at school but doesn't yet have the confidence to contact many of them about meeting up out of school. Sometimes they come up with elaborate plans and then they can't do it anyway as their parents have planned something else on the day.
If your DD is upset about it all it is hard but if it's you who are more worried I wouldn't be as I think it's fairly normal and friendships do tend to change a lot in the first couple of years.

Beesandtrees · 05/08/2019 00:15

Yes I would also suggest summer holiday clubs .. ie drama/ music/ dance / swimming /athletics etc. These quite often keep them busy for a week at a time.
Also want to second the guides / scouts / explorer scouts suggestion. Great for making friends outside of school plus masses of life skills and social skills learnt and opportunities offered.
All of these have helped my dc grow in confidence

Beesandtrees · 05/08/2019 00:21

Dc also kept in touch with and met up with old friends who went to a different secondary. Nice to have someone separate to commiserate / compare horror school stories with without it being personal. Are there local friends from the other school that your dc could meet up with?

Original poster
JoyceDivision · 05/08/2019 15:37

Thanks.

No.old friends from primary school: she was in a group of 4 girls who got on, they had their two sets of best friends, then another girl decided to 'take' dds best friend as her own, it got really unpleasant with DDS best friend and the new girl, along with the other two, all isolating and hanging up on her. School were very involved and handled it as best they could, but unfortunately the friendship group badly fractured and on the final day in the assembly to say goodbye all 4 made a point of hugging , crying with each other, and some of their parents, away from DD and blanking her.

DD wants nothing more to do with them, which is fair enough, they were really unpleasant, but there is no overlap.of old school friends while establishing new school friends.

OP posts:
RedSkyLastNight · 05/08/2019 16:16

I think this is a hard age as the DC and their parents are not yet used to greater independence. There will be some that still have their summer holidays fully mapped out, and will literally not be able to meet, and others whose parents may not be able to provide lifts but are not happy (or not possible) for DC to travel independently.

I would focus in keeping a dialogue going on social media, it's likely that more meetings will emerge as the holiday goes on and DC are less scheduled and more bored! I'd also suggest focusing on those that live locally i.e. easier to meet up with who might not be such good friends. DD put a message on a school WhatsApp asking if anyone wanted to meet, a girl who lives 10 minutes walk away (but not a great friend of DD particularly) responded and they hang out for the day, the DD and another random friend got asked for a sleepover. DS's friends all seem to be away, but he's spent a lot of time with a boy in the next street who is 3 years younger. I do think holiday/home friends and schools friends are different beasts at this age!

teta · 05/08/2019 16:23

She's 11 - just leave her be.
There's no need to be constantly socialising at this age. They're quite happy with other family members and parents. I'm speaking as the mother of 4 teenage and older. She will socialise when she's ready for it. You can't manufacture friendships in secondary school. Plus she will leave her old friends behind. This has happened to my two girls in the past when they moved from state to private education. Now at 20 & 15 they have friends everywhere.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 05/08/2019 17:58

My 12 year old has one afternoon arranged with a new secondary school friend (he didn't know anyone in this school).

My eldest, aged 15, has been out every day.

Honestly, this seems to be very normal. DS1 made his proper friends in years 8 and 9, and only started to meet with them outside school in end year 9/start year 10.

I've always broken up their holidays with a mixture of screen time and local clubs, particularly as I'm working.

Are there local sports clubs (tennis, watersports etc) where she could just get out and meet people?

Sherry19 · 06/08/2019 16:42

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Lightsabre · 06/08/2019 18:10

I'm still organising 'get togethers' at the end of year 8 for ds as he's so shy. Luckily he does still see a couple of his primary friends. I work full time so fill in the gaps with sports clubs and the odd friend from his new school joins in so they're not just sitting around gaming all day.

Original poster
JoyceDivision · 06/08/2019 19:59

Thanks everyone.

I'm.happy for her to use the social media as that's today's socialising to a certain extent. I'm not pushing her to be doing things, it's DD that has commented people are not taking up any offers of meeting up and it's getting her a but down. Honestly, I loved being sat on my arse with a book but I can see DD wants to be meeting up and her offers are being ignored,but good to hear it's not straight into a big thriving social.life in year 7!

OP posts:
Tanaqui · 06/08/2019 20:05

Do you have cousins / family friends you could do cool stuff with so she is busy and has something to.post about?

LoveGrowsWhere · 06/08/2019 21:13

Year 7 is a funny one IMO as they try to quickly make friends & then realise maybe not got so much in common. I think a social group outside of school friends is essential for balance. Drama might be great or perhaps a sport not done at school eg squash or hockey which many don't start until secondary school age so not starting way behind.

itsabongthing · 08/08/2019 19:44

I wouldn’t assume everyone is meeting up and not including her or not wanting to meet up with her - some kids don’t feel the need to meet up with others and are happy hanging out with siblings/family/neighbours.
Others will be away, on holiday or spending time with grandparents or their other parent if parents are not together. Others will be in organised clubs whilst their parents work. Others will just be at home in front of computer/phone/TV screens!

cauliflowersqueeze · 13/08/2019 22:30

A lot will be away. Try to leave her be - only 3 weeks left to chill out before school starts.

And get her off Instagram. Source of total misery and she is underage.

Alarmclockstop · 13/08/2019 22:38

My dd has a really great circle of friends since primary and is in year 7 and has only met up with one child so far. Mine still has summer mapped out, with my work and family days she doesn't have many days spare. At 12 still family summers friend summers will be soon enough.

BubblesBuddy · 14/08/2019 09:22

I think many parents very much organise their summer holidays for their DC and Kant are not floating around looking for friends. I think I would assume you need to do things as a family or she goes to a holiday camp. Mine actually went to a residential one at this age and absolutely loved it. There are loads of day ones near me and I would investigate for the rest of August or at least for next year if she has weeks and weeks with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

I agree the feeling of rejection isn’t wonderful but these DC are 11/12. They are doing what they want or what their family wants and are not thinking about others. I’m not sure DC really organise much at this age. If my DDs wanted to meet up with friends I contacted the parents due to logistics. We lived miles away so it always meant transport was a primary concern.

BubblesBuddy · 14/08/2019 09:23

Kant??? DC

NellyBarney · 15/08/2019 21:13

I don't think her friends rejected her, it's often difficult to meet up with friends in the holidays as at this age most kids still depend on parents for driving them and most parents will be at work. Most of her friends are probably in some form of holiday camp/granny is to visit to look after them/summer aupair/staying with relatives/ are away on holiday with their parents or are stuck in front of the TV while a parent works from home and says categorically no to playdates as there is no way they get any work done while having kids over/driving own ones around (especially if more than 1 dc).

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 15/08/2019 21:21

Several of my daughter’s close friends didn’t get into our local school.

At the end of year 7, l was still making all arrangements with parents for her to meet up with them. She’s going into y9 now and l no longer do this. So a big change in the space of one year.

However, they all have several group chats in Whatsapp. These has been great, because kids in different schools know each other now over WhatsApp, even though they had not previously known each other.They quite often meet up.

Could you suggest this rather than Instagram? Dd is often crying with laughter on Whatsapp. I don’t see her doing this in Instagram.

cauliflowersqueeze · 15/08/2019 23:45

WhatsApp has an age limit of 16.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 16/08/2019 08:47

I didn’t know that. But it’s more harmless than Instagram.

I didn’t let her have insta until she was 13

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