would you send your child to a comp where none of their friends are going?

[WildAngel]

DD is in year 5 and we've started think about where to send her for secondary school. The feeder school is a SuperSchool and we moved DS out of there within the first 6 months of it opening due to poor teaching and not being happy with how they dealt with issues.
We'd like to send her to the same school he's in now (he'll have finished when she starts)as we feel its a better school. However, ALL of her friends are going to the superschool. She had a meltdown last night about losing her friends, she's an over-thinker and this could worry her for some time.
Would you send her to the school of our choice and hope she makes friends and settles in? or would you let her go with her friends and hope the problems were "teething" issues?
Thanks for views xx

If there is huge difference between the two schools , you may take your DD to visit both school and try to persuade her? We all know they will make new friends in secondary school. However, if DC is not happy about it and you force her to go, then the result won't be good.

If the difference is not that big, then I would like DD go to the school her friends go. There are a few years passed, it must be difference to the time your DS was in. Also, different children may find school experience different.

Have you looked at the SuperSchool again recently? If your son has nearly finished secondary school, sounds like the issues were from a few years ago, plus of course your DD may have an entirely different experience.

Whilst I don't think not moving up with friends is an issue (and in the case of my DD she moved up with loads of friends and then was timetabled into a whole bunch of different groups, so she never saw any of them!) if your DD is dead set against going to the school I'd want a compelling reason to go/not go there. Have you/DD seen both schools recently? I'd go and visit first, before you make any decisions.

You will have one more set of open evenings before you apply .

We went in year 5 and 6. I thought that the school that would suit my Ds most was not his favourite. The second time he liked the school that I thought was his best fit.

We hear this a lot at appeals; that a child has been allocated a school that none of their friends are going to, but funnily this doesn't seem to apply if the child has been allocated the grammar school.

I would send her to the school you think is best for her, friendships change a lot in high school so I don't think it should be a major driver in decision making. A lot of kids like the chance to reinvent themselves a bit without others keeping them in their role as "the shy one", or "the bossy one" etc. once they get their head around it.

For various complicated reasons DS1 ended up in four different secondary schools (2 in England and 2 in Aus) in his first two years of secondary, he didn't know a soul in any of them starting but made friends in all of them. I would talk to your DD and acknowledge how she feels but ultimately make it clear that it's a parental decision.

I think different school suit different kids and sending your dc to a school they really don't want to go to is risky - you know her best though. But generally you will risk carrying the can for every little thing that goes wrong if you choose the school against her wishes...and that can badly wrong - it depends on how her character develops during her teenage years.

I would send her to the super school and give it a second chance. It’s been several years since your DS went and your DD very much wants to go. A happier child is likely to do better academically. If it doesn’t work out then you can change her school like you did for your DS.

We moved house to be in catchment for an outstanding secondary with a great pastoral reputation which was also strict on discipline. We kept DCs in their outstanding primary school a few miles away.

When Ds1 (now year 11) went to the secondary everyone, bar a few children who went to a grammar school, went to the feeder secondary. Ds1 had 1 other child who he knew but wasn't friends with go to his school.

Ds2 went with absolutely no-one. He is now year 8. Both have made incredible friends, neither have missed their old friends at all.

It could be that your child's best mate ends up going to a grammar school or moves away because of a parent's job.

My son's secondary ran an extra morning session for all children coming from schools outside their usual area, so we lived in catchment but the primary school was miles away. That way the children would have some familiar faces before the year 6 day in July where they all spend the day in their new form in their secondary school to be still wearing their primary school uniform.

In year 7 a lot of children will come in with no friends and school do everything possible to make friendships happen. In fact ours has a forest day where they do team building and they deliberately split up same primary school children to give them a chance to meet new people outside their usual friendship group.

These are the questions to ask at an open day/evening. We attended in year 5 and 6 to get a good feel for the place. Plus we booked an appointment to speak to the head of year 7 transition to see what measures the school put in place for children like my son.

Yep. Did it w ds1 and about to do it w ds2 in Sept. I think having a school that's a good fit is more important than friendships which tend to alter at secondary anyway.

Which is not to say it didn't give me a few sleepless nights.

But friendships change drastically once you hit secondary school. If it's a massive school then chances are that your DD won't be with any of her friends anyway. Go and visit all of the schools that you are happy for your DD to go to and make a decision on what you think will fit her best. Change is scary but sometimes it is for the best.

My eldest went to a school with none of her friends. There was some other children from her school but none of her friends, she knew someone else from outside school and a couple who had been with her at primary before they left. She has settled so well and is so happy.

Due to the way catchment areas work, it was guaranteed whichever school she went to she would be split from some of her friends.

DS is going to the same school. Again just him. Lots of his friends had it as 1st choice but didn't get in. He has ASD so is a little more of a worry, but he will be fine no doubt.

How many forms are there per year group? DD’s Secondary has 8 forms and she has 2 other girls from her old primary in ing. She hardly spoke to them in Y5 or Y6. Apart from the fact that a familiar face ease the anxiousness if the first day she was fine. All other girls from her primary school are in different houses, she hardly sees the,.

During induction we encouraged her to speak with other girls, exchange phone numbers and talk during the holidays. That made a better start than being with some she knew already.

As others have said, the reality in secondary school is that they change friendships anyway. Even if she wants to stay with primary friends, they may well move onto other friendships. My DDs both moved away from friends for secondary and found new friends quickly. I would however review the superschool again. Staff will have changed and it could have a different SLT and ethos that is now perfectly acceptable. If you find it has improved, then you and DD have no need to worry.

I would go for the best school. It's important to look beyond year 7. How will you all feel in year 9 or 10?

A friend was in your position. She went with dc's friends. Within one term they were no longer friends and dc really struggled without good support from the school (which had always been a concern).
It was too late to change as the better school was fully subscribed.

Tricky one.

I remember being adamant that I wanted to go to the school all my friends were going to. I could have done SO much better (I was a bright kid and the school was in special measures with awful exam results) and I often wonder why my parents didn’t insist on sending me to a much better school. But I was an anxious, shy child and would have been really upset to arrive at a school without my friends as a safety net.

So I see it from both sides As a parent, I would absolutely prioritise a good school over friendships. Hopefully you can talk her round.

I went to a school when I knew no one else. It didn’t take long to find new friends.

Be the parent who takes the longer term view and does what is best for the child, rather than letting the views of a 10 year old (whilst important and to be acknowledged) who cannot take that longer view, determine their schooling for the next 7 years.

Yes, have another look at the super school to see if it's improved. Remain open to the idea it might have. Look at the alternative too and then choose based on which is best for your child, not where friends are going. As so many say, although a 10 year old cannot really understand it will be the case, friendships change a lot and new friends will be made and should be made. Do consider journey carefully as 7 years of a daft journey isn't good for anyone, but don't feel you have to choose the school most parents are and that you are obliged to do the same or that it is somehow criticising their choice if you choose differently. You have to choose what's best for your child and be the parent.

I think you are over thinking this. You might not get a place at either of these two schools and you might have to consider another school, where your child will definitely not know anybody and maybe not be as good a school as you would like.
Having done a good number of admission appeals over the last two months I continue to be amazed at the assumption of many parents that if they apply for the best three schools in the area they will automatically get places offered to you. Reality is just not like that and parents need to be managing the expectation of both themselves and their child as to which schools they will be attending.
Sorry I am being "ratty" about this but building your child up that they will get a place at their preferred school and to then have them disappointed is bad enough. To then to go to appeal for a place having again built up your child to believe it will all be alright after the appeal is to my mind not being fair on the child, when they are rejected for a second time. Please think about the effect on your child of over promising and over-believing.

I would try very hard not to. My parents chose to send me to the nearest secondary school so that I could walk there, but they had sent me to a primary school in the next town, so I didn’t know anyone when I went to secondary. As a shy child this was crippling. I hardly spoke to anyone during my first year, slowly started to make a couple of friends in the second year, but never made any lasting friendships. I was also verbally bullied and was never very happy for the entire 5 years. Please consider what your daughter wants and don’t dismiss the importance of having friends when you make that big transition.

Similar position to PP, my parents were so insistent on sending me to the "best" school, that they never took into account that I was a shy child who struggled to make friends. Actually I was very isolated in secondary school; I didn't make any friends until what is now year 8 when I palled up with another girl who had no friends. I left school with amazing grades but my self confidence in tatters.
There was a thread a few days ago from a poster whose DD went to a secondary school knowing no one. At the end of Year 7, it sounds like the DD is still trying to find her niche (which can of course happen if you go to a school where you do know people as well)
Whilst friends is not the be all and end all, it should at least be considered if you have a child that doesn't easily make friends.

The OP's DD is at a feeder school to the super school. The one DD wants to go to, so no appeal needed one assumes. The other one might be more difficult to get into of course! However, DS has been there but things change as you rightly point out admission.

My kids went to the local feeder school. The school recognised that kids who didn’t come from a feeder school often struggled more with forming friendships and they ran special sessions for them - maybe you could enquire if the other school offers similar sessions.

All four of mine have gone to a different high school to their friends. To be honest I think it’s done them a world of good: they made new friends with people they really liked, rather than just hanging with the same people they’ve mooched along with since reception, and they’ve also managed to hang on to the best of their primary school friendships.

One of mine, DD2, who is quite shy, had a bit of a shaky start for a few weeks. But to be fair, I would say she ended up with the biggest, most sold group of friends in the end.

The friendship groups change drastically before even the first October half term.
Don't puck a school based on friendship groups. The being new bit is a matter of days or weeks where as the school is the next 5 yo 7 years of thier life where they will grow and change greatly from the 11yo they and thier current friends now are.

It may not be the "popular" choice with your to not follow the majority initially but they can't see the bigger picture not have your life experience.

Choose the school that feels right and best in the long run.