Dd devastated- behaviour point

[Hsaansnsn6776]

I know people will say that she is being unreasonable and babyish but dd15 was on the school site and saw that she had a behaviour point. She’s an extremely hard working student and always does her best, never steps out of line and she’s just a bit upset because she already feels that she doesn’t get noticed and now feels like it seems unfair to have a behaviour point. She thinks it may be because of 1 forgotten piece of homework but I think that is unfair because, she has never forgotten homework for that teacher before and is always hard working in that lesson. Please don’t attack me if you have nothing nice to say but I was just wondering what people thought about it

OP. you might frame this in a more positive light for her by pointing out that it's important to look at issues like this not just from a very individualistic point of view (it's not fair to me), but rather from an understanding that we all benefit from society functioning well. So by accepting this, she is contributing positively to the well being of society as a whole: in this specific example, to the functioning of the school.

Would she think that careful, good drivers who are caught speeding when they didn't mean to speed should be excused from paying a fine? Or would she realise that it's important to everyone that speed limits are enforced in order to promote everyone's safety?

I got a letter in post today to say my dd was on a yellow card for a week but didnt give a reason I asked my dd for the card as i am supposed to sign it and she said Im not even on a yellow card. Another time they put her on a card for something someone else done said they would take it off the record but emailed me the record a month later and it was still on her record when I queried it they said thats only for internal use so what difference does it make. I insisted it be removed. I think i was more annoyed than my dd because they where accusing her if been racist and her bf is foreign so she is in no way racist. I was so angry they had put it on her record.

I agree op my Dd is similar to yours, very organised, stresses out over forgetting anything, always tries her best. She has had 1 negative mark each year so far, things like forgetting equipment and once for getting to take in homework she had completed. She was devastated in Year 7 now in Year 10 still hates that she gets one but shrugs them off now. They are meaningless for her as she isn't a repeat offender. The kids who get more negative marks also get more positive ones as they are the kids that stand out. Same for awards evening, same old kids year in year out, but quiet get your head down and get on with it kids get overlooked. She cant wait to leave next year and move on to college.

Wil she not get into university because of this behaviour point? Will she be suspended if she gets two? Will her friends shun her? Is her life ruined?

Try reminding her that life isn't fair and to acknowledge the real problems versus the small annoying, momentary ones.

Get her to check with her form teacher or subject teacher what it’s for. Sometimes they do make mistakes and record them against the next child along in the register. If it was for a genuine reason then hopefully she’ll be able to brush it off soon enough. Regarding the lack of positive points that’s probably worth mentioning at parents evening or asking the form teacher. My dc’s school were great at giving them out in year 7 but this tailed off in later years but the older kids weren’t so bothered about them By then so it wasn’t an issue.

My DS got his first ever negative point a few weeks ago. He is in Y9.

He looked a bit sheepish when he told me and I thought he'd done something really bad. When he told me it was for handing homework in a day late - I shook his hand, gave him a hug and said 'welcome to the real world'. He looked shocked when I laughed and said 'you won't forget again'.

He gets anxious about school and really does his best, so he was really disappointed about the negative point. My reaction immediately made him realise that it wasn't the end of the world and he knows not to forget in future.

If I had pandered to his disappointment and agreed that it was unfair, he would still be talking and worrying about it now.

I think one needs to do a reality check on the school. When my DS first went to his secondary school, I also kept getting upset about all the negatives that seemed to be given out like confetti, not to mention the lunchtime detentions ( the one time he got an after school, in Year 9. felt more justified), but DS just sucked it up, and kept telling me "nobody cares about negatives". And when he got onto the SLT (they chose five DC, one head boy and some deputies, and he was chosen as a deputy) for Year 10/11, over people who had many, many fewer negatives than him, I had to acknowledge he was right - not even the senior teachers choosing the leadership boys seemed to care about the number of negatives. And while it is true my DS can be overly talkative and has been known to call out in class - when my DD went to the school it was just the same, despite her being goody goody personified at primary school (one teacher actually told me at parent's evening - "the other children try and persuade DD to be naughty, but she isn't having any of it" and she was so inconspicuous to others that they clearly didn't know who she was at parents evening, despite having taught her for five months!). But suddenly once she hit high school she started getting these negatives and community services and lunchtime detentions, and while initially upset, very shortly she started ignoring them and sucking them up like DS. So I figured well, that was just life, and more of a reflection on the school than my DC. If anything it seems to have make both of them, but particularly DD, less concerned about not following rules, not talking etc, as she had discovered what it means to be sanctioned, and realised that it is not a crisis if she is. In that sense it has been counterproductive for the school, because she has stopped being the little mouse who is so terrified of being told off that she wouldn't think about stepping out of line, and rather has become willing to chat to her friends when she feels it is not so necessary to behave (like form, assembly) because their is a pretty high chance of getting negatives anyway, so you might as well. And similarly with handing things in - instead of completely panicking and losing it when she can't find where she has put her homework, she is more likely to say - oh well, I'll just get a negative, and I will hand it in tomorrow.

Dd (conscientious and well organised) got her first negative and the teacher wouldn't tell her what it was for - when asked she would only reply, 'you know perfectly well.'
So I emailed the teacher.
Turned out it was for writing 'dd woz ere' on her worksheet.
Except she hadn't - her friend had written it.
Dd refused to grass her friend up and get her in trouble so she just shrugged it off. I was quite proud tbh.

You think it is unfair that a school behaviour policy has been applied to all students?

She forgot her homework. She gets a behaviour point.

The fact anyone would think this is unfair or that 'naice' students should get some special pass confuses me.

The fact anyone would think this is unfair or that 'naice' students should get some special pass confuses me.

I don't think it is unfair, but I do think it is counterproductive given what the school is presumably trying to achieve.

Why? Because somebody who is 15 (hence probably in Years 10 or 11), and has never got a behaviour point before, is probably pretty proud of that record. If the school had said - given your record, we won't give you a behaviour point this time, but next time we will, the student will likely double and triple their efforts never to forget to hand in homework, and I bet there will never be another occasion.
However, now that she has one - well the difference between one and three and, say, ten, probably is not that great - so the incentive to work triple hard to make sure one's record is not sullied has gone, and there is a reasonably high chance that there will be a second and a third. So if the school is really concerned about having homework handed in, then for students who have this kind of record, overlooking one infraction makes sense.

This is very different to the student in Year 7 who doesn't hand in their first or second or third piece of homework. Of course they will need to hand out the behaviour point, because otherwise the student will learn that there is no consequence to not handing in the homework, and it will provide an incentive to continue not to hand in the homework. But even there, if the same behaviour point is handed out for not handing in homework, and talking in class, and talking in the corridor, and having their top button undone, and having their shirt untucked, and a million other infractions, then the student will equate not handing in homework will all of the others - whereas not handing in homework, I suspect, is more directly important to learning and achievement than not tucking in one's shirt. How one runs the behaviour points scheme therefore can give students some pretty odd messages about the relative importance of various actions, and about what the school is trying to achieve.