Dd devastated- behaviour point

[Hsaansnsn6776]

I know people will say that she is being unreasonable and babyish but dd15 was on the school site and saw that she had a behaviour point. She’s an extremely hard working student and always does her best, never steps out of line and she’s just a bit upset because she already feels that she doesn’t get noticed and now feels like it seems unfair to have a behaviour point. She thinks it may be because of 1 forgotten piece of homework but I think that is unfair because, she has never forgotten homework for that teacher before and is always hard working in that lesson. Please don’t attack me if you have nothing nice to say but I was just wondering what people thought about it

donquixote explains the systems as they operate and the mentality behind it.

It's an attempt at social engineering. It's not meant to be fair.

sometimes you try your hardest & things still go wrong. No biggie.

Your daughter was given the relevant "punishment" for forgetting homework, or whatever it was that caused this behaviour mark. It was issued correctly, and if she feels it was not, I'm sure she can discuss it with the teacher that issued it.

In regards to it being fair - it is. Whether she wants to accept that or not, is her choice, but the system should and I hope is treating all students fairly and issuing points correctly when and as needed. What would have been unfair is if she was being penalised for certain things that other students would not be penalised for - but that is not the case.

I think the worst thing you can do right now is add to her feeling of it being unfair. Instead, help her understand why it happened and that it's not a big deal but you hope this is something to learn from and move on. You continuing with the "woe is me" attitude for her is the worst thing you can do and no offence, that is what is being picked up from this thread.

Help her learn and move on from this. You've mentioned that she doesn't get rewarded for good behaviour, if she's overall a fantastic student, does she expect a parade every time? The fact this is her first behaviour point shows that she is a good student and doing her best. That is all that any parent and teacher can hope for.

Most teachers will always do their absolute best by their students and whether they consistently praise each student or not, they are aware of what student is doing what.

If the 'bad kids' get a behaviour point for forgetting a homework, then so should your dd, regardless of her previous good behaviour. There is no point in having a sanctions system if it is applied unfairly. And yy to what previous posters have said about resilience.

My DD school has a reward scheme, positive referral:earns a point and these go towards end of year rewards; like a trip out of school. They also have referrals for forgotten work, lateness etc but none of these are made public. I think putting them online isn't the best idea.

I don’t think that at all this represents her resilience. She’s not lying on her bed crying hysterically! She just feels it’s a bit ‘oh’, you know? but she’ll be over it and I most definitely do not feel this shows her resilience and I think you’re being harsh to say that with no context!

Dd can only see hers but no one else’s!

I know my experiences may not directly relate but it may be of interest. My DS is Autistic and this kind of thing completely flaws him. It has a major effect on how he moves forwards. His natural resilience is very low.

I encourage discussion of issues, we storyboard what has happened and why. We talk about how the scenario within his control could have played out differently and how he'd handle it another time. We talk about why it's having an impact and the real factual implications of the incident.

DS finds email writing quite cathartic when he sees injustice. I encourage a few drafts to tone down his initial rather direct language but would your DD consider writing a letter to say the negative effect seeing the point has had. Maybe stating that she feels for all the hard work she puts in this is the one thing flagged against her name, a negative.

I think the fact that you've referred to her as 'devastated' is why people are talking about resilience.

Bless her. I was the same - got 4 comments in secondary (our version of points) and cried after every one.

Just assure her that it's OK, that she's doing well and it's not the end of the world. That so long as she does her best and stays at a high standard then she'll be just fine and you're not mad. Tell her to take it as a learning curve and that she should double check she's done all of her homework.

She'll be just fine.

And I agree, the good kids are rarely rewarded while the bad kids get bloody ice skating and pizza parties for going a week without a point used to do my head in.

As an adult I now see why. Remind her that her reward is in succeeding at school and therefore having a better start in life.

My ds has had 5 behaviour points this year, all for not handing in homework on time. He is generally very well behaved, always getting awards for one thing or another but he has sn and he sometimes forgets things.

dd was well-behaved. Her school record was overflowing with commendations. Not as behaviour incentive, the school really was being generous with rewards for a well-behaved high achiever.

In all honesty both my girls would have been upset to get what we call a conduct slip. Perhaps not devastated and perhaps more annoyed (that they work so hard without recognition and that a minor thing would be noticed) than upset but definitely not happy.

Recognising effort and good behaviour in children of all abilities is something i think my dcs' school do well. I think you have a point about that and i think that's more of an issue than the behaviour point which she needs to just accept and change how she feels about it. Perhaps she would be more accepting of it if they occasionally recognised the positive stuff so she felt less invisible.

My DD2 has ASD. She has had 0 negative behaviour points since starting year 7 this year, and only 32 positive behaviour points. She's already worked out the system, and says she'd be better off being 'quite loud and a bit naughty, but mostly good' because people she knows like that have lots of good points and some bad ones. Because she is very quiet, she's invisible.

I hear what you are saying OP.

It is this bit She is never rewarded for the good but is punished for the bad.

I was only thinking the same yesterday when I found my dd had picked up another behaviour point.
She never had any in Yrs 7 - 11, but has moved schools for 6th form and they are clearly very much stricter in this school. I don't particularly have issues with them giving out behaviour points (usually in her case because she has forgotten something - she has real difficulties with organisation).

I personally don't think it is the best use of teacher time to be constantly recording everything, and not being allowed to use their professional judgement, but it is what it is and presumably it means it is consistent for everyone but if they are going to be giving out behaviour points for every thing a student doesn't get right, then the 'positive points' ought to be given out with the same freedom and regularity.

That is what doesn't happen in dd's school - and it would appear, in the OP's dd's school. There HAS to be a balance and plenty of the positive points for ALL the dc that go through every day arriving on time, no back chat, no 'attitude', no pushing boundaries on uniform or 'cheek'..... the dc who are polite, listen well, hold a door open, help someone out, go the extra mile, volunteer for something - even something small such as an errand within school time.

Of course my dd isn't perfect - and I'm sure OP's dd isn't perfect, but ALL dc who behave, should be getting positive points regularly if the school wants to make 'behaviour points' a thing.

We all know when bringing up our own children that praise for good behaviour breeds more good behaviour and that if we only gave negative attention for poor behaviour and ignored good behaviour then this would breed more poor behaviour. Good schools recognise this.

Lougle my Ds is exactly the same. He is being assessed for asd at the moment. He has one behaviour point this year for not doing well enough on a test, although the school have told me that won't happen again. He has very few achievement points, even though his behaviour is good and he is doing well in some subjects. He is completely invisible in school. Unfortunately the school system is not helping his poor self esteem and deteriorating mental health. I have too many other battles to fight with so won't mention the points system but it's left him feeling really upset.

He has one behaviour point this year for not doing well enough on a test

Unless he was messing around during the test, that is appalling.

Those posters that are describing fairly draconian behaviour systems...I'd be interested to know if your DCs are at academy schools?

I work at my DDs (non academy) school and teaching staff are frequently reminded to reward the kids that are consistently 'good', and not just use positive behaviour points to encourage the more challenging characters.

So many schools are poor at thanking the students who just get on with it and try their best. I used to ring parents of good students and it was a lot more rewarding than just calling home for bad behaviour. My last school told me not to bother.

Unfortunately Minty his school give points and detentions for poor test results. I have told the senco that it makes Ds panic about doing tests. She has said that he won't get them any more for poor scores. He never mis behaves as he is black and white in his thinking so would not want to break the rules. His school are very unsupportive.

She’s not lying on her bed crying hysterically! She just feels it’s a bit ‘oh’, you know? wink but she’ll be over it

Well, that's all good then - it doesn't sound like it's a problem.

I was like your daughter. I wish I'd had more opportunities to get comfortable with not being perfect. The scenario you describe is just how the world works so it's good she is learning how to deal with that.

I'd feel the same as your DD tbh, but as PPs have said, this is a good life lesson. Workplaces appraisals are often like this. A whole year of doing a great job is quickly brushed over and one tiny mistake made back on February 6th is gone over again and again. It's box ticking and bureaucracy and annoying as hell, but you have to put up with it and try not to take it to heart.

Our school is in Scotland. All local authority here, no separate academy category.