I want to help my sons, but I have NO IDEA what they're doing

[JustGettingStarted]

I'm so sorry - I don't really know where to begin.

I'm not from this country - my home country (USA) had a very different way of doing things, and that was decades ago. Also, I work away from home every other week, so I am not around as much as I should be. DH is the stay-at-home parent and I'm afraid he's not able to help much. He just says that everything was different when he was there and he left school right after his GCSE's or whatever they used to be called. He's not likely to be very engaged for a variety of reasons like depression and social anxiety.

So, I am trying to get my head around things. I am ashamed to say that I let things go their own course. I went to some parents nights and I read the school reports (I had to ask what the numbers meant.) But I am not here.

DS1, who is in year 10, has entered adolescence with a vengeance and retreats to his room. He is bright but a bit lazy. We got a call from his maths teacher saying that he has done NO WORK at all in weeks. No assignments completed and his exercise book is mostly blank. He's not paying attention.

There is no textbook. I have managed to log in to the VLE and the MathsWatch websites (DS didn't know how to log into MathsWatch!) I'm trying to get a grip on what he is supposed to be doing. If there were a textbook like I had at his age/level, I could flip through to see where the class is and flip back to the point where DS seems to have lost track and then we could work through the difference over the half term, or at least attempt to. There are five assignments on Mathswatch and that is all there is. I assume his exercise book is supposed to contain the notes of the daily lessons but it doesn't. What is there is illegible chicken scratches.

I have also tried to figure out what he's doing in other classes. I'm not sure what he is doing in Science or History or Literature or Spanish. Again, textbooks would be helpful. Like, if the current Spanish chapter was dealing with a particular verb tense or whatever.

There are "resources" on the VLE and they link to various pdf's and scans of revision material.

Obviously, DS1 isn't exactly keen to fill me in on everything. We want to tackled maths, first, but I need to know what he's supposed to be doing in all the subjects and try to keep an eye on what he is doing. There doesn't seem to be an awful lot of homework. He's not being sent home with a page of quadratic equations to factor or whatever.

DS7 is in year 7 and I gather he's a keen student who is applying himself diligently so there's probably nothing crucial with him but I still wish I knew what they were doing!

What do I do? Where do I start?

If the boy was in year 11, I would agree with you leerie, but he is only in year 10. There will be a large amount of syllabus not yet covered in school.
The op needs to know what has already been covered and the order in which topics will be taught so her D's can catch up on what has already been taught. She has already said that he doesn't know/remember and there is nothing in his books and very little on mathswatch.
Going forward, if she has the SoW she can make sure he is studying/ revising the stuff that has been covered in school.
The op does not want to have to teach from scratch or get her son to study syllabus material that is still to be covered.
As I said before, she does not need detailed lesson plans, just the summary of the work covered each half term. Often this makes up the first few sheets of a more detailed plan.

OP, I may be reading too much into this. But have you made your your DS1 mental health is ok?

I suffer from depression and anxiety, and so does most people on my dad's side of the family. This started in school, and my work deteriorated just like this.

The fact your DH suffer from depression and anxiety and your DS1 spend most of his time in his room and isn't focused at school would ring alarm bells.

I hope it isn't the case and he's just being a teen and will do brilliantly in school

“As a teacher, I hope you don't mind my saying but you seem remarkably ill -informed about the GCSEs.”

I was ill informed because I sat O levels 44 years ago, so when DD had to choose her GCSE options and started her GCSE courses I made it my business to understand how it all worked. I made a point of attending all the parents evenings and talked to DD. I also found this forum very helpful.

If your husband won’t step up you will need to make sure you talk to the HOY and/or the heads of department for each subject. Is your husband getting the help he requires? I find it rather depressing that he failed so he thinks his children should.

Schools these days are so underfunded that textbooks are a thing of the past. DD only got textbooks in 6th form, and that wasn’t for all of her subjects. Her school sold the revision guides (at a reduced price) and they were invaluable. We also used online resources from the school and elsewhere. I’m afraid you are going to need to step up and be more involved in your son’s education.

OP, Hi! I'm a fellow American parent here (married to a Brit). Our eldest is in year 12, so we went through all of this last year and I found myself way out of my comfort zone. It's very different than at home however, once you get through this year, you'll have a good understanding for your next DC.

Is the school not offereing interventions at lunch time/after school? Intervention classes are offered as additional support for all students, especially struggling students. They take place at lunch and after school. Find out from your DC's form tutor or Head of Year if this is on offer and if it is, make sure your DC is taken to the right classroom for intervention (he may not take the initiative to go on his own initially, so if a teacher can guide him, this will encourage him- and yes, enforce attendance- not a bad thing).

Find out which exams are AQA and which are OCR- DS's school did both. You will want to get the current workbooks for those (ASK the teachers! They should have told you at the most recent parent-teacher consultations. If you don't know, ask). The books you want to buy will look like this: tinyurl.com/y2w9ftax
Some will be AQA, others OCR.

Check your child's school's weekly newsletter. Go onto the school's website to find them if they're not coming to your inbox. You will find really helpful information in them. I found out about meetings at the school, specific teachers offering interventions, lots of tidbits of guidance for the GCSE pupils and parents. It was really helpful.

So if I were you, I'd get the right books (but you need to find out from his form tutor which ones he'll need). Find out about interventions.
Above all, talk to your DS. What does he want out of all this: Sixth form? College? If he has a vague idea of what subjects he'll enjoy in Sixth Form or college, this will give him a sense of purpose. And if you can connect with him by talking to him about his favourite subjects, this really, really helps. Believe me, I have a cave dweller for a teen. But once I connected with him about the Russian Revolution or Chamberlain's appeasement, basically ANYTHING to do with history, english, or art- his favourite subjects- we had so much more to talk about and I'd steal 30 minutes with him (and get him away from Rainbow Six Siege for a nanosecond) just chatting in the kitchen over tea and brownies or something, just a casual conversation about Stalin's invasion of Berlin.
I feel like I could sit the GCSEs now. It was an education, for sure!

I think these huge exams are given at the worst time of our lives developmentally, but that's a whole other thread.

And there are no textbooks. Your DS really needs to be taking notes in class. The notes he takes are everything! Don't despair if he hasn't been! It's not too late. Get the books online, the ones I've shown in the link in my last post.

DS's teachers offered lots of study techniques. Mind maps. Flash cards. Look online for GCSE study techniques. Also, invite other students to your home for group study. We did this once in a blue moon, not often, but enough for it to be encouraging.

Every weekend needs to be about revision, OP. Revise. Revise. Revise.
It is an exhausting year but if he can just pull his finger out and dedicate the next few months to just pouring all of his effort into doing well (not A*s across the board- aim realistically, otherwise it's just too much pressure), if he can just get into 'the zone' of giving this year his all, he'll get there.

Go onto the school's website and read the newsletters, OP.
And talk to his form tutor, as of Monday the 25th, I'd be making an urgent appointment.

Don't panic. Just plug in. It's worth it. You'll 'get it' very quickly and a lot of your own anxiety will dissipate. Good luck!

I would try talking to your son to get his perspective on how his work is going and just listen to his thoughts and ideas. Sometimes children find GCSEs and the thought of exams overwhelming and so decide to avoid even thinking about them, let alone doing any work. Just having someone to listen and guide them is better than telling them what they need to do.
There is still plenty of time before his exams. My dd is in year 11 and I got her the CGP complete revision guides and workbooks for most of her subjects.
Lastly, the school website often tell you what exam boards they use for each subject. If not, speak to his school. Teachers tend to be very welcoming of parents who are trying to encourage their children's learning.
You seem to be coping with so much, with working away, in a different country and your husband not being mentally in the best of health.

Oh wait, he's in year 10? Phew! I've been writing as if he's in year 11! Save all of my advice for NEXT year! Intervention... all of that... next year, OP! Don't sweat this year. Yes, year 10 is angsty but don't worry. Year 11, the school will kick in with a lot of guidance, intervention, and support.

I am SO sorry! I've probably thrown you into despair! Seriously. I am sorry. I really thought DS was in year 10.

Year 10 was the hardest year for DS because he was terrified of GCSEs and just didn't put the work in. Year 11, he absolutely got his act together and the school really supported the pupils amazingly. So... don't panic. Things have a way of falling into place.

But in your own case, do plug in now. Make sure you comb over the newsletters. Don't worry about the AQA/OCR books until next year!
You'll get a lot of information at your first parent-teacher consultation in Autumn 2019. You get lots of information in general, next year and you'll feel more involved. Good luck!

I really thought DS was in year 10. I meant year 11.

Right now I've got him sat at the table in the conservatory with the study guide. We're not 100% sure what the class has done, but we're going to have him go through the Algebra part of things. Algebra is the foundation for everything else. I know he was factorising quadratic equations this week and the other homework assignments we can see seem to be in the Algebra section. I've started him from the first page of that section. I expect he'll whiz through the early parts and then we'll start running into things he hasn't done. Maybe even things they haven't covered, yet - I don't know if they're doing them in the same order.

He doesn't have a maths teacher full-time. It's mostly a supply teacher who gives them worksheets or something and then another guy comes in and actually teaches a bit and assigns homework occasionally.

His exercise book is of no help to me - it's sparse and his writing is illegible. But I am going to try and meet with at least his head of year and try to nail down what has been done thus far.

I'm only home every other week. Luckily, this week is a holiday - I'm gone this week for work but he has time to work through the study guide.

We're going to be using carrots and sticks to motivate him - he very much doesn't want to do it. I think he's in a state of disbelief at the moment! So we're doing a combination of things, Taking his computer away and telling him that he can have it back when he's finished a certain amount of work, buying his favourite biscuits that he can only have while working, etc. He likes to go to the gym and we're not only phrasing it as being allowed to go to the gym, but sending him there after doing a period of work. I figure it's good for him mentally to go get exercise.

Right now he's got to finish the first to sections of the Algebra part of the book and then we will check his work. (We've cut the answers out of the back of the workbook so that he can't look at them, himself. He really is the sort to think that's a shortcut!) I think these first two sections should be easy for him - then he gets to go to the gym. When he comes back, he can do a couple more and then he's free to play on his computer. I leave tomorrow - I want him to get through about six sections a day this week, although I don't know if that's feasible when we hit things he can't do.

He likes history - I'm not sure if he needs help with that at all. However, I've noticed that there seems to be no system to how it's taught. Someone upthread said that the teacher seems to pick random things they find interesting and that does seem to be true. When I was in school, we went chronologically through, basically, our own history. That is to say, the history of Americans biased to the assumption that we're all descended from English immigrants. So, Ancient Greece, Rome, Norman Conquest, Protestant Reformation, English Civil War, English settlers, American Revolution, Westward expansion, Civil War, World Wars. We never quite finished the textbook or got to things like Watergate.

Another US transplant here and teacher in UK secondary school for 10+ years.
Loads of good advice from all the prev. posters. Plus you've found your secret weapon - mumsnet

FYI - 'the papers' are the different tests which together make up the exam for a subject. So for any given course (history/English/maths, etc) there will be 2-4 tests on various aspects. In MFL for example there are 4 separate 'papers' for the 4 skills: reading, writing, speaking and listening. During exam season (May - June), the papers will be all mixed up so that pupils take 2 - 3, but not necessarily for the same subject, per day. Nationally, the times and dates to take the specific papers are coordinated so pupils across the country will take the same paper at the same time.

Usually schools keep copies of the papers from previous years and give them to pupils to practise on. As others have mentioned, the papers changed in many subjects about 2 years ago so there is not as big a backlog of past papers as there used to be.

Your carrot & stick approach sounds good. Also, as a KS3 (yr 7-9) and KS4 (yr10-11) teacher, I have observed that pupils, and boys in particular, often suddenly 'grow into' school, helpfully turning into a whole different, more organised creature. With any luck, your boy will have a transformation this spring or over the summer so just keep plugging away.

Does the school set homework online? Can you get your son's log in to check if he has any?

I think the main problems are the lack of continuation in maths teaching, and the fact that your son seems to be so disengaged from learning. The harsh facts are that if he doesn't pass English and maths GCSE he will have to keep retaking them until he does. This will impact what he is able to do post 16.

Unfortunately it might be that the lack of support at home before now will have influenced his lack of interest and motivation.

I would also consider hiring a tutor.

I'd like to get him a tutor but I can't afford it. It is about £25 or £30 an hour and he needs a LOT of tutoring. I also don't know if he'd do anything but slump, stare out the window, and sigh for a tutor. He very much doesn't want to do this and when I lecture him he shuts off and just smirks. Says he wants to work at McDonald's.

He wasn't able to complete the first lesson in the algebra section because he didn't know how to do fractional indices. I had to look it up - the revision book gives a quick outline but it's very basic. I found Youtube videos but he won't really watch them. Just slumps, rolls his eyes, makes fun of the presenter's accent, etc. Not to mention that I can't feasibly learn all of this stuff alongside him.

I'm afraid that the point made above about lack of support is true. I assumed he was going OK because he was put in the top set and his school reports have been good. He seems to have checked out - at least on maths - and he's fallen behind to the point where even catching up is incredibily daunting. I did the same thing at his age. My mother was an engineer with a degree in maths and she used to get SO ANGRY at me, trying to work with me on my maths. I did manage to turn things around and catch up enough to be fine by the time I was 18, but I don't think my son has that same chance. I know from personal experience that the more he falls behind, the more hopeless it becomes.

If I leave him to look up the videos, himself, he will just fuck around on the Internet.

His father just yells that he needs to change his attitude. This is true, but I don't know how to do this for him.

There's a tutoring centre walking distance from the house and called them. It's only £20 an hour, slightly cheaper if we pay for 4 at a time. They're going to assess him a week from Tuesday.

Oh op I do feel for you.

It's really tough that he doesn't have an actual maths teacher. There is a shocking shortage of secondary maths teachers but schools should prioritise KS4. I think it's worth having a meeting with HoY or head of maths dept and asking if this is going to change. That's not unreasonable.

Re the history - they will be studying certain discrete topics. Ds2 is in yr 11 and is doing Hitler and the third reich, medicine through time, the Normans and err can't recall. Anyway, not whims of the teacher as much as the exam board. Revision guides for history cover the separate topics - does he know what he has covered so far?

I think it's helpful to mix it up too - how about a bit of English? He must know what book he has done - maybe get the dvd of it and talk about the plot, what happens next. If it's any Shakespeare or Christmas Carol or inspector calls or animal farm or Frankenstein a dvd version is readily available! (he won't be doing all those!).

Does he do MFL? There are lots of apps and websites. I liked Duolingo and Memrise for vocab.

I'm not worried about the history or English - he's interested and it probably comes naturally to him. He did duolingo for about a year. I don't think he's really falling behind in Spanish. I think most subjects can be caught up/crammed fairly easily. But maths builds upon each step so falling behind there is a real issue.

Be carefully with the assumption that he is doing well in other subjects as thatay or may not be the case. If he does not have a maths teacher at the moment then can you afford a tutor?

Good luck OP. I think it's likely that your son is finding the work difficult. If he doesn't have a consistent Maths teacher this won't have been picked up as quickly.
How this is handled is crucial in order to have a positive outcome, and you will know from your own childhood experience what sort of approach isn't helpful.

educating I might agree with you apart from a couple of things - my SoW have always been pretty detailed, after taking into account worksheets and resources (eg having a brief synopsis of video clips etc), and tbh OP would be better with the summary info in the guide books, as this doesn't assume prior knowledge in the same way a SoW written for colleagues would. But I concede that this may be different where you are.
Also, if DS cannot even identify what he's doing in class, I think having all that extra info to look ahead through would mean that OP may well assume they're at a different place in the scheme to which they actually are. You also know that lessons may be taught in a slightly different order to take account of availability of teaching spaces on a certain lesson, and resources which may need sharing. If OP has a reference to which points are being taught that term it cuts down on the info overload. At its core, he only needs to know what is in the revision book, baring in mind they will need to do this for every subject, by the sounds of things, streamlining info makes more sense to me. Again, I concede that you at have a different opinion. But you know the old phrase - keep it simple, stupid! I've taught Sciences since the 1990s, tutored and also marked GCSEs for most of that time too. With some maths and English when required. The SoW are not written with parents/pupils use in mind, but the revision guides are. SoW for each subject would just overload OP in my opinion. Keep it simple.

Sigh.
I tutor as my full time job. I ask parents to ask schools for schemes of work. I currently have 2 schemes of work that are each only 3 or 4 sides of A4, two where there is a summary that is again just a few sides of A4, one where the teacher has just said 'we are covering the foundation syllabus this year' and the students mum has to keep on emailing to ask "which topics this half term" which I would imagine is much more time consuming and annoying than just giving me the plan. Then I've had one teacher who has just ticked headings from a photocopy of the chapters of a text book which is rather a pain and has meant that I've had to go and actually buy that text book to see exactly what 'equations and formulae' means as it won't be the entire syllabus on equations and formulae', as it needs to be learned in stages and each text book and each school divides the stages differently.
If a teacher feels that their scheme of work ( as opposed to individual lesson plans) is too detailed and contains too much unnecessary information, then they could just provide the summary pages.
I totally agree with you that the op does not need details of individual lesson plans.
I find it makes a massive difference when I know what students have actually covered rather than what they think they have covered. They will be adamant they haven't covered expanding double brackets. Then they get it wrong on their next test and had I known I could have covered it and they would have done better. I could cover it anyway of course, but I it is too time consuming to cover everything that might have come up!
I can plan my lessons much more effectively and the students tend to do better too if I know what they have and are covering in school and in what order.
With a cumulative subject like maths it really matters which order you study things in as you build on prior knowledge all the time and you can't just do things in any old order. Schools separate each area into chunks and do ' easier chunk algebra' then 'easier chunk geometry' before the harder chunks in each but different schools put different things in each chunk.
Revisionon books put all the algebra together, all the geometry together, all the statistics together etc which is not the way in which you would teach it. If the op just started at the beginning of the revision book her son would end up getting bogged down in some of the harder numerical and algebraic material (solving fractional equations with unknowns in the denominators anyone?) before any geometry. This just doesn't work.
The op has already said her son has no record of what he has covered in class and doesn't remember. She has also said she wants to help him catch up with the work he has already covered in class. She needs to know what this is.
The simplest solution is to ask for a copy of the scheme of work, or at least the summary pages as this is a document that already exists and requires little work from the teacher. If the teacher thinks this is not appropriate they can of course provide it in a different form, but the op does need to know, for maths at least what has and is being covered and when

Ps. I also tutor sciences which is a bit different as the topics are all unitised.
In that instance it would be fine to know that ' last term we covered B1, C1 and P8' and then work from the revision books, which is indeed what I do. So perhaps we are just talking at cross purposes because of different subject experience.

I'm not worried about the history or English - he's interested and it probably comes naturally to him

OP , if he is taking AQA English Language then the skills he needs to demonstrate in the reading sections of the two papers (each worth 50% of the total marks) are very specific and do not come naturally to teenagers. He will need to know how to analyse use of language, use of structure, and be able to compare how different viewpoints are presented. All this for unseen texts. It's really interesting stuff if you are an English specialist and / or a passionate reader, but please don't assume that it will come naturally to your DS.

I'm not worried about the history or English - he's interested and it probably comes naturally to him

OP , if he is taking AQA English Language then the skills he needs to demonstrate in the reading sections of the two papers (each worth 50% of the total marks) are very specific and do not come naturally to teenagers. He will need to know how to analyse use of language, use of structure, and be able to compare how different viewpoints are presented. All this for unseen texts. It's really interesting stuff if you are an English specialist and / or a passionate reader, but please don't assume that it will come naturally to your DS.

No idea why that posted twice.

I seem to have killed the thread, anyway