I feel I don’t fit in with other parents (private school)

[Notcontent]

Just wondered if anyone else feels this way!

We live in London and my dd went to a local state primary but now attends a private secondary school. I don’t want to be too specific, but her school is in an area that has Lways been quite wealthy and “posh”, while where we live is more mixed and has a different “vibe”.

Anyway, whenever I go to the school for events such as parent evenings, concerts, etc I always feel a bit out of place, as if the parents who live in the “posh” area from another planet. It’s quite odd. I am very happy with the school, by the way (as is my dd), and obviously there people from other areas too, but the majority are local to the school.

I would take that as an opportunity to not have to get involved in any of the school mums stuff and would be bloody relieved!

At my sons (private) school I'm always looked at like the outsider at parents evenings etc. I think the mums have a WhatsApp group that I'm not part of.

This is fine by me, thanks.

I'm guessing your DD joined the school this year.

Secondary isn't like primary. Parents aren't closely involved, don't really get to know each other. Smile, nod, have unexceptional small talk, and be really relieved that you are now at arms length.

You wouldn't have any particular expectations fellow members of the audience of a concert anywhere else, so no need bring them to school with you.

Embrace it! It's true at secondary you barely have to interact with other parents unless you want to. I'll give lifts to DSs friends to sports fixtures & they just get out with a thank you. I feel no need to escort them the front door & make small talk with a parent.

I love not having to be in contact with other parents at secondary unless i choose to and i left the Year 7 parent whatsapp group i was on as it was like they were competing to see who could complain about the pettiest thing about the school. Bliss!

If dd is lucky she might get to one of her private choices. One is so fantastically posh and exclusive that I felt totally inadequate at the open days exam days etc despite being a successful professional who can hold her own in most situations. If she gets in I will worry neither she nor I will fit in and her friends won’t want to come back to our house!

Goposie: That will not be the case.

It is possible to be happen in any school. Just skip it. If you child feels happy there, this is the best award to you. I am talking time to time with five parents in our class, all others prefer ignore me. Actually because I am different and not interested in pampers 😂.

Do you really need to make small talk with other parents at parents evening etc, ive always just waited outside the classroom and never talked to a parent unless I know them. Relish the fact your not at the primary school gates!

At Dd's secondary i know about 6 of the parents closely but thats because we have run in the same circles for years (same primary or sports club etc).

I could count on one hand the amount of times i have meet friends of dd's parents and she is year 9.

I can remember feeling like this too when 1 of our kids went to a private Prep school, Year 7. Especially when there were swimming/athletic days & quite distinct groups of the "in" mums & dads talking, but fall silent if I tried to join in, introduce myself. Son had lots of friends & visited with other boys too in the weekends, but I felt we were just treated like "a short-term rich family that would be gone soon". Maybe it was my own insecurities, but would have liked for it ie, the school community to more inclusive.

I am in the exact same position. In london, state primary, then exclusive private secondary school. We are comfortably off but the uber wealth on display shocked me. I have not made one single friend or even acquaintance, the other parents seem from a different world. I’ve noticed that now in year 8 my eldest is mainly friends with ex state school kids, even at that age it’s hard for the mega rich and the more normal kids to form an understanding and bond.

OP, I agree with others that it’s not necessary to make friends with secondary school parents. When I go to parents evening, I don’t even register the other parents to be honest. I’m just focused on getting round all the teachers.

Also, be careful not to let any possible insecurities block you from chatting to people. Just because some may be “uber rich” doesn’t mean they’re not perfectly lovely, kind people. And I don’t agree that state school and prep children don’t mix at independent secondaries - not at all. In DS’ friendship group there are all nationalities and income brackets - from minor ME royalty to a few who live on council estates - and I can honestly say they take each other as they come and there have never been any issues whatsoever.

You will find that the parents you perceive as “other” to you probably have no sense of themselves as a homogenous group and don’t even know / care who the other parents are.

I don’t think this is a case of making friends, it’s feeling out of place. You see a tank full of exotic fish and you are the brown trout! Perfectly lovely in every way but you need fresh water and they need salt water.

I know exactly what you are talking about! There can be an exotic wealthy clique and they will stick together. They will know each other from prep school. It’s tribal. It’s the way it is. However I have always found some who are friendly, some who are not pretentious and some who do want your company! It might just be a case of looking a bit more to see who is like you? Are there bursary parents? Not that you would obviously know them but it might become apparent. They probably won’t be the exotic fish!

I would go to school events as much as possible. I always did and I’m not posh. DD went from state promary to boarding school. I found parents like me. I wouldn’t advocate running away and not speaking. If your DD is happy and doing well, you can hold your head up! Don’t change. Keep being you. Don’t worry about the exotic fish. There will be other parents feeling the same as you. You just need to meet each other.

Hi OP

I am in the same position at a small state primary school.

People assume we are well off because my husband has a top job.

There are people who are busy working and they seem lovely but obviously these parents are busy working.

The pta crowd ( who seem to have rich or well off husbands who work) so mostly sahm but bizarrely all though the stay are home mums are not employed with paid jobs they then put down the unemployed or working poor parents, or have even said bordering on racist comments, both of which my husband and I can't stand so although we were kind of invited to fit in there we objected to how they spoke about other parents and made that clear.

In retribution we have been banished or are just ignored. So social events go on we are not invited but nor are the poorer parents.

But then the parents who are struggling don't want to really engage either.

I have one friend who I see at pick up and drop off there who is lovely.
That is it.

It is very strange and a bit unusual when no one says hello or people do one day and ignore other days.

It is quite sad to me that the children don't seem to mix.

We try our best and we do try donate more money to help low income families but do this with a low profile.

The school engages with the pta parents (and I can see why they have the time to contribute) but ignore others.

I am surprised how I just don't fit in and it has never happened before and it has actually been a good lesson as I try be as inclusive as I can.

I am surprised how not fitting in or being ignored actually hurts.

I actually wish I had never chosen the school.

I can't wait for secondary but don't want my children going to the same school as the children from the pta.

I was working and tried to be a sahm for a while but found the whole thing incredibly isolating and am surprised at how awful it makes me feel.

My kids are oblivious to it all.

I do know what you mean. My daughter came from a state primary and got a bursary to a top independent school. Now in year 8 she has made a lot of (lovely) friends but seems to have been drawn towards the other state school/bursary pupils and is very much aware of what she calls 'The squad' - i.e. the v rich, 'popular' girls who have mostly come up from the junior school or other private schools. But she's not remotely bothered by it and happy to have people back to our house - and similarly I have dropped her at friends' huge houses and council flats with not room to swing a cat. As for the parents, I know a few, I did go to one 'cocktail' party in year 7 where I did feel a bit self conscious about my accent/fact I'd never been skiiing (they had all just come back from skiing trips, or so it seemed) but I just thought sod it and actually, everyone was very nice. Like others say there's no need to socialise when your kids are in secondary and that suits me fine. As long as my daughter is happy I don't care.

Yes that is the great thing about secondary - no expectation to be friends with people!

Yep, another one like you here!
My dc has a large bursary to a v posh senior school. I feel v v much out of place. I buy my clothes from supermarkets and look very different to the uber rich designer clad sahm's. I also work so am often late for events and turn up on my own as dh can't (afford to) skip his evening work.
I can't comment on going to high profile events, or going on holidays, so often have nothing to add to a conversation. It is just that we live in different worlds.

But then dc is happy and doing well, so that makes it all ok. I have one mum friend there who is more normal, so I just talk to her!

You know, it's fine. You sound lovely, and that's what matters!

Sorry, I have only just come back to this thread. Thanks for contributing - it’s good to know I am not alone!

I have a professional job and we are ok financially but yes, the very wealthy are a separate breed!

I think the bulk of replies weren't saying that op!

Tbh it's not my experience.. we are outside London.
I found the state primary parents not very friendly. Yr4 we moved DS to a private school. The parents are v friendly but not very posh. The families are all both parents working and no one has a massive house.
We avoided a prep school which is nearer to us but more ra with farmers with small stately homes. Perhaps you've not chosen the right school for your social values?

I barely know a single soul at my oldest kid's secondary school.

This kind of thing is often about insecurity. People in all kinds of unfamiliar social situations think they don’t fit in and perceive that others are either judging them or are very different to them or are being cliquey.

In all scenarios some have more wealth or income than others and different life experiences. Unless you’ve led an extremely narrow life with only a very very narrow group of people you will have always been with a range, even if not fully aware. What has perhaps changed is just your heightened awareness of it. So some people enter new situations actively looking for differences or for people judging them etc - usually because of unfamiliarity or insecurity.

I would say you can choose how you perceive others and the way you approach those situations. In reality most people are nice and if you enter positively will be friendly. Existing friendships will exist and always take time to get to know people and that has to be expected and realistic expectations held. So you do have to give it time and if judging others based on a short period, wrong judgements can be reached. And when you’re the new one, the reality is you often have to make more than 50% effort.

There might be differences in wealth or holidays. But do you look for similarities in values and approach to parenting or education or other areas which matter. Are you looking for differences rather thN common ground? Remember you are not defined by wealth even in an independent school. Other children and parents like those who are friendly, empathetic and who get involved. These things might not come easily to you. And some differences between you and some others might exist, but it’s about if you think they matter or allow them to matter. In all likelihood those differences matter little to the others and far more to you, so work on reducing their importance to you and establishing your own self esteem and values beyond money.

This certainly wasn’t my experience op. My dcs’ school fees were paid by their grandparents.
Our house is small and scruffy but none of the dcs’ well off friends seemed to have any objection and I found all the parents perfectly friendly. I still meet up with a couple of them from time to time and we would meet up more were it not for the fact we live some distance from each other.
I doubt they are judging you on how much money you’ve got - how would they know for a start?

Just because they are different and (you guess) have lots of money does not mean that they are not nice people. It is not good to stereotype and have just one “type”

Hi seazer

You are not alone. I was very surprised by the behaviour of some people when starting a (state) primary. I had assumed many behaviours were left in childhood! I've experienced people that chat one day, ignore the next, unfortunately a couple that after being 'friends' suddenly start excluding you from shared groups (what helped here was having seen them do something similar to others) and also a group of sahm's interested only in what seemed to be social climbing! (That was hilarious! One lady would just enter a group of people talking, barge through and stand Infront of her target and in engage in deep conversation as if no one else was there!!!)
I have come to just laugh about it mostly now, although I have found it painful/upsetting along the way. I have learnt to be polite but keep my distance from those parents who seem to have issues who happen to be mum to my child's friends. Having good friends that I can talk to and laugh about it all with helps!

I'm not sure how I feel about moving into the secondary school system. DD has chosen a school where she will know very few others. Whilst it may be nice to escape the school gate stuff, how do you judge whether it's appropriate or safe for your DC to go to other people's homes if you've not met them? 😬