I feel I don’t fit in with other parents (private school)

[Notcontent]

Just wondered if anyone else feels this way!

We live in London and my dd went to a local state primary but now attends a private secondary school. I don’t want to be too specific, but her school is in an area that has Lways been quite wealthy and “posh”, while where we live is more mixed and has a different “vibe”.

Anyway, whenever I go to the school for events such as parent evenings, concerts, etc I always feel a bit out of place, as if the parents who live in the “posh” area from another planet. It’s quite odd. I am very happy with the school, by the way (as is my dd), and obviously there people from other areas too, but the majority are local to the school.

I’m afraid those that think schools treat all parents identically are sadly wrong. In the independent sector some parents are invited to dinners at school and have preferential tickets to school plays etc precisely because the school wants their money! Schools have “levels” of parents and actively court the rich ones for ££££. Many have Foundations with tiers of giving and the parents who contribute are definitely top dogs. Look at the Arnold Foundation at Rugby. They exist to provide bursary money and similar organisations in other schools might fund new buildings and refurbishment. Schools keep records of giving and family trees so they know who to contact and invite to events. Where my DDs went to school I actually volunteered to contact people about supporting the school and coming to special events. The school would then tap them for money. I don’t have that amount of spare money so that was my contribution: time. Other parents with very high powered jobs were conspicuously targeted. So no, some are far more equal than others and they know it!

Viola: you trust your DC to make nice friends! You cannot helicopter forever. Children generally don’t come from unsafe homes.

The way to think of it is like this: it’s your child’s school. Not yours. As long as your child is happy, does it matter if you aren’t bestie mates with the other parents? And why should you be, just because you have kids of the same age? Please try not to worry.

Viola111 thanks for your response to my post.

I have had a truly awful few days (unrelated to these messages) but I just want to thank you for your empathy I appreciate it.

I just find that I don't have much in common with the other parents at dc's public school. DC, yes, but other than school talk, I can't contribute to the conversations.

This is an interesting thread. I’ve noticed that the OP hasn’t actually said that the other parents are treating her differently (and has said that her daughter is happy at the school).

I would try to look at this another way. Even if the other parents are better off, they will still benefit from knowing you. Please don’t go in with the mindset that the parents are “other”, assume that they will like you and enjoy your company. Your family deserve to be at the school as much as anyone else.

Apart from anything else, having someone treat you as someone who is other is actually quite stressful and hard work.

I feel like this most places I go. Definitely feel very out of place amongst the usual parents from school who actually show their face at school crowd. I don’t think it really matters.

The only thing you have in common with other parents is that your children are at the same school. That's it.

I doubt they are judging you on how much money you’ve got - how would they know for a start

outside London the sort of car you drive is a bit of an indicator. Of course people choose cars for different reasons, but on the whole, if you are well off, you drive an expensive car. If you don't have much money, you don't. It will sound ridiculous but we drove a Honda Jazz for a bit because my father gave up driving and gave it to us. Eventually we bought a different car and I kid you not, there was an instant change of attitude from the parents of kids ds played football with as well as a lady down our road whose son was a similar age to ds, suddenly he was allowed out to play with ds.

People do judge on perceived wealth, and they make very quick assumptions based on not very much evidence. However, I think the truly wealthy don't care because they feel no need to compete. The aspirational sharp elbowed middle classes probably do look for wealthier people to be friends with because they are trying to work their way up the wealth greasy pole. I've certainly noticed it in my area.

I’m happy to still be driving around London including to the odd post trip school pickup in my 18yr old Peugeot - runs like a dream

Aristocracy have old bangers for school runs! The wannabes have Range Rovers! Of course you can tell who’s got money and who is posh! My DDs did socialise though.

WombatChocolate nailed it (in my opinion). We often project our own insecurities. I am very well aware of social anxiety, but have come to realize that it's only the one-digit millionaires who try to show off/ be rude. The two-digit millionaires are perfectly lovely!!

(Also - this is a joke - I was just trying to point out that everyone has their anxiety, even the super rich. You might be surprised to know there are lovely super rich and horrible poor people, so I wouldn't compartmentalize like that)