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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

DD is now saying she doesn't want to go to private school

45 replies

twocats335 · 06/01/2019 18:55

Dd 10 is to have an interview and sit the exam for local private school. She's been at a fantastic state primary and the feeder school is good but the private school has an excellent reputation and the facilities are second to none. It's also very close to where we live. She's been for taster days and enjoyed it but is now saying she doesn't want to go there. Does anyone have any experience of this with their Dc? I don't know what to do!

OP posts:
giftsonthebrain · 06/01/2019 18:57

Why has she changed her mind (I suspect friendships).

missyB1 · 06/01/2019 19:02

You need her to be honest about reason (as pp said I suspect it’s friends). Then you both need to explore together whether her reason is worth the change of plan.

Flowerfae · 06/01/2019 19:06

It may be down to friendships if her friends won't be going to the same school she is. We had this with DD, it was very brief though when she heard she'd got a place there (she wasn't expecting it) she got a bit upset about it, but she's fine now and all her friends were going to different schools anyway, she still see's them.

Original poster
twocats335 · 06/01/2019 19:06

Yes, I think that's it. Her best friend has talked about it being 'snobby' which doesn't help matters.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2019 19:07

She might just be nervous about the exam and interview. You should make it clear there are other options. All it is is an option. If she does the exam and interview it’s just a chance at this option but she doesn’t have to go.

madmum5811 · 06/01/2019 19:08

Oh charming little friend making her worry. They do have a wobble. From primary to secondary my DS class was split between five schools. The ones who went to the same school were in different sets from day one anyway.

Hoppinggreen · 06/01/2019 19:11

We had this with DD
She was keen to go but once year classmates started doing their transition days and were talking about their new Secondary she had a few wobbles
It was easier for us because the state Secondary isn’t very good and she felt that the Private school would suit her better ( quite shy and academic) but she was worried about missing her friends.
By the time she expressed any wish to go to the same school as her friends fortunately it was too late as she couldn’t get a place anyway which made it easier. If that hadn’t been the case I’m afraid I would have overruled her anyway as I don’t think a 10 year old can make that decision.
She is in Y9 now and agrees it was the right decision. She is in touch with many people at the State Secondary and although she thinks it’s more fun there and much easier she is glad not to have to deal with daily fights and drug dealing ( this is what she says not me by the way)
DS will join her in 2020 and has already said he wants to go to the same school as his friends but it won’t be happening
The only problem you may have is if your DD needs to perform to a certain level to get a place and she decides either consciously or unconsciously to torpedo her chances, luckily that’s not an issue for us with DS as the school is non selective.

Original poster
twocats335 · 06/01/2019 19:15

We have always been of the opinion that this is the school we want her to go to and will be a game changer for her. We really don't want her to go anywhere else - are we wrong not to let her decide on this?

OP posts:
Original poster
twocats335 · 06/01/2019 19:20

Thank you Hopping. You have answered my question. I'm worried as she's mentioned to me tonight about flunking the exam Sad

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2019 19:25

I just mean to relieve the exam pressure. If she feels this is all or nothing the pressure on her must be immense.

Original poster
twocats335 · 06/01/2019 19:59

The exam, we are told, is not intense and is more to see whereabouts they are academically. Dd is bright so it shouldn't be too taxing for her. Dd2 on the other hand may find it more challenging when she goes through the same process next year. Unlike her sister, she's quite happy at the prospect of going there.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2019 20:01

It doesn’t mean she’s not worried about it though...

AllyPallyMally · 06/01/2019 20:46

Just a question, what if this year your dd1 gets a place but next year dd2 does not make the grade, how will you manage having to find a suitable school for dd2 when you have indicated you do not want your children to go anywhere else. Isn't it putting rather a lot of pressure on dd2?

Hoppinggreen · 06/01/2019 21:30

Ally OP doesn’t say if the school is selective.
If not it won’t be an issue, my DS is nowhere near as academic as his sister and won’t get a scholarship like she did but he will still be able to go to the same school

Original poster
twocats335 · 06/01/2019 21:41

It's not a selective school so I think dd2 would still get a place - I'm hoping so as she would benefit from being there even more than dd1 I think.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 06/01/2019 21:57

Yes, our DS probably needs the discipline and small classes more than his sister too .

DancingbytheRiver · 06/01/2019 21:58

Tell her to do her best and delay HER decision once she has all options on the table. Appeal to her ego to do her best (can she do it? she is i the best position as she should not be stressed, so why not), but assure her it will be her decision in the end. At the end of the day, there is a process of 1) assessing options 2) creating the options (where you are at the moment) 3) making a decision. Tell her she will only know she has made the right decision once she is faced with the actual possibility of a choice? Tell her that she still has time to reflect and make a decision, too early to flunk it and she may regret it, and she can still turn it down even if she gets an offer. Unfortunately this will be a lot of work for you, explaining to a 10 year old how it works and guiding her to the right answer once you have created the option. Very best of luck!!

peteneras · 06/01/2019 21:59

It's all very well letting the child have a say in things concerning them but there are aspects in life when the parent(s) got to step in and make a decision one way or the other. Deciding a secondary school is one of those occasions. To all intents and purposes, what's most important for a child of 10 is to be with their friends and to go where their friends go. The future at this stage doesn't mean anything to them. It is the responsibility of the parent(s) to decide what's best for the child and take a firm decision. This is my definition of "good parenting".

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/01/2019 22:07

I was sent to private school at 11.

I didn’t want to go.
I wanted to go to the local secondary modern with my friends.

The result was I didn’t fit in to the school. I left the school at 16 with no qualifications. Everyday was torture

And yes everyday I was called a snob on my walk home.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2019 22:09

I’m not sure if these posts are aimed at what I said. I’m not saying the child gets the final decision, I said you aim to reduce the pressure of the exam.

MitziK · 06/01/2019 22:13

You're the parent. You are doing what is best for her (having experienced that State sector from the POV of being staff, they simply cannot give children the care and opportunities they desperately want to assuming the local state one isn't an Academy Chain, at which point nobody gives a toss about the kids once they're on their way up the greasy pole). If she gets in, it genuinely could be life changing.

They don't just take super intelligent kids/those who get 100% in the test, they take kids who they feel would benefit from their education and whose parents can afford the fees.

She's got nothing to lose by doing it, it's good practice for KS2 SATS (if that's something that she has been taught to think about by her primary school), 'just do your best and we'll see what happens'.

Original poster
twocats335 · 06/01/2019 22:18

Oliversmumsarmy do you mind if I ask, why was everyday toture? Did you not make new friends? Was it not a good school?

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Hoppinggreen · 06/01/2019 22:20

oliversmum I’m sorry that happened to you but it’s not really relevant here.
Some people will have good experiences at Private school and bad ones at State schools and vice versa. If this school is the one which based on her parents ( who know her best)’s opinion then she should go

Original poster
twocats335 · 06/01/2019 22:35

Thank you all for your advice. I'd started to feel guilty about making this choice and it hasn't helped that I've had negative reactions from people around me about her going there - like I'm above myself or something. I know in my heart that this is absolutely the right decision for them both and we're very fortunate that we can manage it financially. We've visited several times and it's an amazing school.
I'll tell her to just do her best with the exam and we'll go from there.

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Oliversmumsarmy · 06/01/2019 23:01

I am from one of the roughest council estates. But dm made a bit of money so we moved to a posh area. I had a certain accent which just didn’t fit in with everyone else. So no friends.

You have to choose your child’s school by choosing a school where your child will grow not a school that looks a certain way

HoppingGreen I was giving first hand experience.