DD is now saying she doesn't want to go to private school

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Dd 10 is to have an interview and sit the exam for local private school. She's been at a fantastic state primary and the feeder school is good but the private school has an excellent reputation and the facilities are second to none. It's also very close to where we live. She's been for taster days and enjoyed it but is now saying she doesn't want to go there. Does anyone have any experience of this with their Dc? I don't know what to do!

Ok genuinely confused here. You say the school is non selective so what is the point of the entrance exam. In an early post you stated your daughter had talked about flunking the exam. If you believe they would take your daughters regardless of ability, she doesn't even have that option does she?

What is the difference between a non selective secondary and a non selective private apart from the uniform and cost

They have money. They have time. They don't have the government on their backs, changing the goalposts every year to make political capital out of them. Parents tend to be more engaged with their child's education. The kids tend to have got off to a better start and any SEN have been identified at an earlier age, thus minimising their impact. Any issues with behaviour or discipline are supported by the parents. And they have the ability to value and encourage subjects, skills and talents that don't make any difference to the spreadsheets and computer generated targets state schools have to abide by. Staff aren't churned through in an academy style get as much out of them as possible/who cares if they burn out manner. Kids are less likely to have low literacy or social skills, less likely to be cold, hungry and living in one bedroom with two beds and three siblings. They are less likely to have parents who think all teachers are wankers and there's no point learning stuff beyond being able to submit a claim for benefit once they have their first babies by 20 or digging holes in the road. Kids benefit from the connections, opportunities through alumni, the positive associations that make an organisation more likely to accept them than the kids from a failing school that has a reputation for violence and bad behaviour on the way home.

They aren't all perfect and unspeakably wealthy, but the kids are much easier to teach and generally much easier to be taught alongside.

Most teachers try to put their own kids into private education if they don't have an outstanding state school place.

It's not fair, state education should be properly funded and children /families supported so they don't live in horrendous conditions - but most people won't martyr their own children to prove that state school is always just as good or in the hope their child will be able to both rise above the environment and improve it for other people's children. And I don't blame them for it one bit.

We had the same thing with DS3 recently. He's o

Oops.
He's in Y7 now and suddenly didn't want to go to the same public school his brothers go to, same issues- friendships etc. His friends from primary school (small village state primary), also called it snobby etc to his face (obvs from other parents views). We sent him nevertheless and within one term he's made new friends and is very happy. I kind of think, you are the parent, you get to decide.

AllyPally, as I mentioned earlier, the entrance exam apparently is to see what level they're at rather than like a selective school where they have to pass it to get a place. My dd is probably confused by this at the moment which is why she talks about flunking it. I need to have more conversations with her.

I've so far had 14 children (no, not all biological) through secondary school. By default they've gone to a local public school except for 4 of them - two went to the local high school, one to a private girls school and one to a dance focused school. All had good logical reasons not to attend the public school. Though I am always up for a discussion I would not have accepted them just not liking a taster day as a reason not to attend the school we had set out.

The differences between my DD’s (non selective) Private school and the 2 local non selective state schools are vast.
It’s not always the case I know and we weren’t particularly hung up on Private education ( I went Private on a full scholarship and DH went to an excellent Comp) but in our case the non Private options weren’t right for our daughter
Her School achieves almost as good GCSE results as the closest Selective Grammar

She’s ten or eleven. You are the parent and it’s your responsibility to choose in the best interest of your children. Sometimes that’s hard and they get cross briefly. That’s almost irrelevant as the decision remains yours.

I started a very similar thread in October which might help you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/secondary/3386458-did-you-choose-your-child-s-secondary-school-for-them-private-school-related

I spent quite a while having gentle conversations with my daughter about the different opportunities, and the pros and cons of each choice. I was open about my preference but said ultimately I couldn't/wouldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do.

DD decided she wanted to do the entrance exam to give herself the option. But she's still undecided whether she would choose to go.

In my case the private school does another intake at 13 so if she's dead against it I will look at that option.

I'm warming to the idea of the local school as DD has become quite a bit more outgoing and self motivated in the last few months, so I'm less worried about her getting lost at a big secondary.

OP: most private schools that are mildly selective are actually screening out learning difficulties that they cannot accommodate. My DDs have different intellectual capacities but went to the same independent school. One was in top group throughout and the other wasn’t. The school wasn’t very selective but there was an entrance exam and interview.

Younger DD had friends who were going to a variety of senior schools but elder DD had friends who were all transferring to one senior school. I thought she might waver, but she didn’t. She participated fully in the process of choosing a school because it was boarding. Younger DD knew the school when it was her turn and didn’t want to go anywhere else.

I think it’s fair to say friendships change. 10 year olds can have very different friends at 13 and 16. Keep to your views and don’t let others drive you down a path you don’t want to take. My MIL said we were “getting above our station”. For her maybe, but not for my family. I don’t listen to adverse comments and you can persuade DD you are offering her something special. There are new friends to be made. I think it’s a shame when people tell you what they think of you. I found myself explaining to all sorts of mums why my DD was going to board. She just had different requirements from their DDs and we could afford it! You are paying the fees and it’s your choice. Most children are happy at the school that’s chosen. Most grasp the opportunities. Yours will too.

Thank you Bubbles, that's very reassuring.
I'm going to stick to my guns in this one as it's going to have such a major influence on her life and younger dd.
Thank you for the link Disappearingfish - I'll have a read at that.

Presumably you haven't applied for the local state school anyway?

Just a word of warning about non selective private schools.

A few friends put their dc into a couple of them in the area.

They were having to spend huge amounts on tutors to make sure their children were not falling behind.

Then first one school then the next announced they were closing.

Also look at number of pupils versus capacity.

Smaller classes are great but too small classes could make the school unviable.

Saw it with a school when I was looking for dd.

Within 3 years it closed its doors.

Be sympathetic to her concerns and try to comfort her, but do what’s right for her in the long run. Friends come and go.

Yes, I was advised to apply for state school just in case. I'll bear what you said in mind oliversmummy - thank you.

You’ll find people get very uppity when you talk about private schools. I’m sending my two children to one soon and people really seem to find it distasteful that you can afford it. Don’t ask me why. But it’s a subject that people are very strongly opinionated about.

Ignore her, she's 10.

At the same age I wanted to go to vv crap local school where all my mates were going. My parents wanted to send me to high flying, v smart boarding school 100 miles away.

I remember RAGING at them but they stuck to their guns and I'm so glad they did. It was such a great school and I made incredible friends for life. The other school had loads of drug problems and bullying too.

NB I am not a snob - our DC go to (amazing) state schools, so we're lucky. But I am absolutely certain an adult with decades of life experience knows more than a child of ten about what's better for them.

It's all very well to say "ignore her" but it could store up trouble for the future. I'm a merely adequate parent of a very stubborn child and even I managed to have open conversations with my 10 year old on this topic.

I find talking in the car or on dog walks are the most productive.