Why do people openly criticise decisions to send your kids to a private school?

[scotmum1977]

I sent my Son to a private school (Glasgow) last year for various reasons and it's working out really well. There is the cost but we just do without expensive holidays etc. I can't think of a better gift for my children than a good education. I was so surprised at how offended people get when they ask which school he attends. They think it's ok to criticise you openly and make bitchy comments here and there. Surely how you spend your own money is your own business. Anyone else have this experience?

Linked to that bananas, I also think that people do not necessarily know what decision they would make until they're in a position to make it. I live in a grammar area and the amount of hypocrisy is comical. Parents who tell you how much they hate the grammar school system, and they really don't want any part in it, who then enter their kids for the 11+ just to 'give it a go', who then pay for private tutoring because it 'wouldn't be fair' on their kids otherwise. Then when their children pass the 11+ they send them off to the grammar school with no further mention of the option of going to the local non-selective (or, if they do mention it, it's to say that they would really rather their child goes non-selective , but their child has made the decision to go to the grammar). And if they don't pass, they then pay for private schools - even though they originally said they didn't even want them to go to a grammar in the first place!

@wherethekestrelscall - I agree! I know we are fortunate in that our area had a good choice of schools when our DCs were that age so we didn't need to look outside the comprehensive system. We would never have been in a position to afford private education and if we had chosen to go down the grammar route, surrounding areas do have grammar schools. However, we were confident our local schools would cater for our DCs needs.

"I think the criticism is fairly inevitable"

Actually I think it is none of anyone else's business

”What I do object to though is those who decry any form of selective school in the state sector who then choose to send their own DC’s to a private school.”
I find those who rant and rave about private schools and how they create social division unfair advantage that as parents we do it because we only want our DC’s to only “mix with naice” children, how children from independent schools will not develop the social skills to be able to communicate effectively with people from all backgrounds blah blah blah and then send their DCs to a grammar school very irritating.

I agree @happygardening

We live in a very attractive area of Birmingham. Not all Birmingham is awful many very nice suburbs.

I'd do it if I could but with two kids and decent wages, we still couldn't afford it. It's tough to see my kids well off friends heading for expensive schools which will buy them lots of advantages in academia, extra curricular and social circle aspects, whilst mine will go to the local comp. I guess if we moved to a cheaper area and I worked more hours and spent the equivalent of all my wage on fees, then we could do it, but there would be no activities outside of school , no fun trips and less family time. We are comfortable and there are vast numbers of families less well off than us and thus children who would never get this chance.
I believe that all children should have equal opportunities and hence why I'm not pro private Ed.

Because they wish/feel guilty about their own choices. Inverse snobbery. Dislike of anyone making different choices. Think you are getting above yourself. Envy. Or know "that school" is a bit shit (not all private schools are better or even "okay".

bombaychef your response is very honest but also points up the essential contradiction that I think underlies quite a lot of the attitudes of people who might criticise the OP's choice (I don't mean that you would). You finish your post saying that you believe in equality of opportunity and therefore oppose private education - but your very first words are 'I would if I could'.

It is also interesting in that mostly this is a very global north MC conversation. My children's friends parents who have recently arrived in this country don't spend hours worrying about their choices, they just go for the 'best' choice available be that grammar, private or good comp if they can. Who hasn't sat in an airport cab and been told that the driver has two jobs to pay for education?

Some of them have come here FOR the education in the first place - most people are striving for a better life - they might move countries for it if they absolutely have to (obvs not talking about refugees here). It is quite interesting that the left will generally make this out to be an absolutely acceptable thing to do and so it is but yet you are not ethically allowed to do this for your own dc. It is apparently the wrong sort of aspiration.

There is a lot of complicated stuff at play here.

@ChristopherTracy brilliant point!

My DH has foreign colleagues who were surprised his kids aren't at private. He's surprised they are surprised.

I'm not!

I don't think private school gives people social or education advantage unless they get good results.
I was privately educated and my husband went to the local schools.
I didn't do much with my education but my husband did.
We have a very comfortable life because of him.
I believe that it's what you do with education not where you get educated.

I wouldn’t comment unless you came out with this to my face first

I can't think of a better gift for my children than a good education.

You don’t need to spend money on private Ed, or live in expensive catchment areas, for that.

I’ve just moved my son from a school with a class of over 30 to one of 19. Not 10, but still quite good nonetheless. Didn’t need to go private which is just as well as I doubt they’re falling over themselves to take ASD children:(

I don't think private school gives people social or education advantage unless they get good results
Some people don’t pay for private school just for social advantage or exam results. Some people (like us) pay so that they don’t have miserable children.
Lots of people say that they don’t like private schools because it buys advantage. But so does buying a house in the catchment area of s good school. Ditto ballet lessons, swimming, piano, beavers or any other extra curricular activity that you sign your child up for. Ditto good nutritious food and clean presentable clothes. They are all buying your DC an advantage over the child who grows up in poverty. The only real difference is that private school costs more than ballet lessons.

I apolologise, but I have not read the whole thread in detail.

However, as someone who has children at state comprehensive while knowing people who send their children to a whole range of different educational settings - state comprehensive, state selective, private, home ed - I find that I am completely tolerant of all those who express their choices in a reasonably detailed, evidence-based 'centred on their child' way:

'We visited all the schools, but felt that Y would be best because of their excellent music provision'

'Working the hours we do, we felt that the hours at Z and the fact that all extra-curricular provision was on site would work best for us'

'P specialises in those with a diagnosis of Q, so we felt that would suit our child well'

Even:
'We visited all the schools and just felt that R was the best match out of all of them.' or 'The small classes / learning 3 languages / focus on rugby / occasional boarding at A would really suit B' are fine.

It is the sweeping generalisations that are more enraging, especially because they tend to have an implicit criticism of those who have made other choices:
'We really want the best for our children, so we chose ...' [ie you don't want the best for your child]

'We really value a good education, so...' [ie you don't value education]

'Private schools are so much better than state ones...' [I have no issue with specific comparisons e.g. X is better than Y for music / rugby / wrap around care / a specific SEN / specific groups of high attaining pupils, but the sweeping generalisation is false]

I do agree with a lot of what you say 11122233.

Private ed, with its eye watering fees, isn’t a source of privilege in most cases. But that’s why the ideological opposition to private education is so flawed.

What it does allow is an opportunity for some children to escape the ruination of their education by some appalling state schools.

So would more grammars of course, but that’s a whole different subject.

We chose private for our DS because he has autism. He is high functioning and not disruptive but often very stressed in a large group. He struggled HARD in a class of 30 and the school didn't have the resource
help him because it had to go to those who were flinging chairs. It was an outstanding school according to Ofsted but the school was very blunt in telling us there was only so much they could do. DS has absolutely thrived in a class of 16. If something doesn't work for him they build strategies to help him. He's built up a huge amount of resilience. We are fortunate enough to have bought a much kinder environment for our son. If we'd left him where he was I have no doubt he would have become very disruptive and even more unhappy.

I am, though, similarly enraged by sweeping generalisations made the other way.

'Private school pupils can't mix with all types of people / are arrogant etc' may be true of some, but not all.

Equally, private schools do not, by themselves, drive social division. there would be plenty of that even if private schools did not exist.

People are sometimes resentful or they make a big thing out of their political beliefs (which often doesn't stop them trying to get their kids into a grammar).

I've heard snide remarks: for example, if a privately educated child misbehaves or their is some trouble at the school, they'll say things like, "So much for the private school", in a sneering voice. As if they don't know kids will be kids.

Best to ignore all. You have to do your best for your children, as long as you're as sure as can be it is in their best interests.

hollyhaphazard we’ve been so lucky to find that for our own son in the state system. I don’t know what we’d have done if we hadn’t :(

I don’t people who send their child to private school-unless they go on about “having no choice” “making sacrifices” “child was unhappy in X scho so we had to go private””we would have gone state, but Jane is so clever/talented/sensitive” and so on. “We’ve sent Jane to Y school because we think it will suit her best and we are very lucky to have that option”. Job done. No justification or dissing the state system or suggesting that it’s a choice open to more than a tiny minority.

I used to get asked about why ds was at a private school. It was easy in my case: we applied for state schools, but didn't get a place at any of them. Because ds wasn't good at music or sport, just at maths & science (apparently the strengths of the schools we applied to).