Mental Health in Grammar/Private Schools

[chocolateorange101]

Hi all, I would like to start a thread regarding mental health at high achieving schools, but first I should give my experience.

I am sorry to say that I completely regret sending my dd to Tiffin Girls. She has recently been diagnosed with a serious mental health condition and is a completely different person since joining the school. She has received no support from the school whatsoever, she is just told that 'everyone experiences stress' and is forced back to lessons. The majority of the teaching is also abysmal, as she spends hours at home teaching herself in order to achieve 'pass marks' in the test, otherwise she is given a detention and forced to retake it. The homework seems to be set just to fill a quota, and is hardly ever looked over in the lesson, although they are expected to spend hours at home each night studying (according to their homework timetables). Every pupil in her year seems to be constantly on the edge of a mental breakdown and completely exhausted, and I am horrified at how the school brushes it off as normal. I sent her there to receive a high quality education in a supportive environment, but of course the school will get good results with intelligent girls with motivated parents and extensive testing. A lot of my dd's teachers just print off worksheets for them to do for the full hour in almost total silence, which I don't think anyone can consider teaching. She is often told to go around and help the class or explain at the front, a job which I think should really be the teacher's. In recent years they have cut down on trips, immersion days and bonding, with every focus on exams. Additionally, she recently received a commendation for maths in which she was congratulated for succeeding on a topic she supposedly 'found extremely tough'. However, maths is her best subject and I know she found the topic quite easy, she was only given it because she asks questions in the lessons. Most of the girls are afraid to do so because of the judgement they face from the teachers, which I sadly understand.
The girls themselves are lovely, I have never heard of any bullying and they support each other, but I struggle for any other positive words about the school. It is certainly an exam factory; they seem to care about nothing else, and I strongly believe that if every student was questioned about their mental health the majority would have a serious problem.
Ultimately, the school cares more about handing out detentions and homework than the actual wellbeing of their pupils, and I wish I had never sent my dd there.

I would like to hear other experiences and maybe some advice about this kind of stuff, as I'm not sure whether to withdraw her from the school or just stick it out until A levels.

Have you considered William Perkins (SWPS) in Chertsey (if they do sixth form bursaries: you’d have to check)? Had friends who have just started their DD there in the lower school but the sixth form is apparently vibrant and welcoming.

If she's really anxious Halliford take girls in the sixth form. Obviously they don't have reputation for especially high academic achievement but probably that's to do with the children who go there at the beginning.. strikes me as a school that would help a child who was suffering from stress become more rounded and relaxed.

I have just seen you're not looking at independents - a lot from Tiffin go to Esher college or Hinchley Wood for 6th form

Sorry your daughter is having difficulties but I don’t think you’re in a position to judge that the “majority” of teaching is “abysmal” unless you are a senior leader at the school who is observing first hand a huge number of lessons and has got a lot of evidence from across all departments and all year groups that only the minority of lessons are “not” abysmal.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that on a public forum about a school in the way you have based on the experience of one student in over a thousand who are on roll.

If the majority of teaching was “abysmal” or “inadequate” then their Progress 8 score which shows the progress students have made since joining the school, regardless of ability, would not be 1.18 (well above average). You can’t fake that outcome.

Why not book a meeting with the Headteacher and read out what you wrote about his/her school here, and ask for advice/support.

9/10 I think it's better to be a high achiever in an average school than to struggle (for whatever reason) in a high achieving school.

Girls who are struggling at Tiffin really should not consider St Paul’s. They would not be a shoe-in due to school report. St Paul’s has the pick of the very highest achieving girls, who are not having health problems, for 6th form. So I agree with others who say to look at schools with a lower entry standard but who can nurture a child with anxiety. This is often a better route than an academic hot house.

I would definitely recommend Esher College, DS has just started there. High academic standards but very friendly and supportive.

Be aware though of the early closing date for applications- it is around the end of September in year 11, so next year for your DD.

Sixth form is a different ball game to 11+ entry. Lots leave because they want a different environment, others just because the school doesn't offer the courses they want. Loads of DCs in your area will have guaranteed places at Esher and will move for 6th form. So start looking at local schools that were not available at 11+ entry.

Salesian in Chertsey is a very good RC school. Heathside and Gordons in Weybridge. Waldegrave should be commutable but I don't really understand the Shepperton trainline. Contact schools now.

Thinking about it for your DD I would be loathe to go for a scholarship at an Indy because I think it would put her under pressure to perform. The opposite of what she needs.

I guess one of the issues with super-selective schools is that they will inevitably attract a lot of girls with similar driven personality types?

DD is at a girls comp and one of her close friends is definitely of the very driven, anxious kind. And she's actually said "HPFA Junior, how do you stay so calm about exams and stuff?" HPFA Junior could actually do with being a bit less relaxed about exams (grr). But it might be good for her friend to see that there is life beyond.

I have DDs at a different super selective grammar and I'm hesitant to comment on the mental health of the pupils in general.

My DDs are highly strung, but I think they would be like that at any kind of school - they're self-motivated, perfectionist and live in a bubble where all 9s are achievable I think they need to relax a lot!

Having said that, the school is certainly filled with many many teenagers who are not confident, uncertain and fear failure (whatever form that comes in) - it may be that our school has a disproportionately higher number of these teens, but I have no way of knowing. And nor do my kids.

I'm sorry that your daughter has not enjoyed or thrived at Tiffin, yr 10 could be a difficult time to move but I guess that depends on how un/happy she is? Definitely see what else is available for 6th form, if only to see that Tiffin might actually be the best place after all.

If the pressure is too much then ofcourse, her well being is the most important, pulling her out to LESS pressurised environment is the only solution now( doesn’t mean that she has to lower her bar for the rest of her life, its just for this time/period, it will serve her better in the long run). The pressure for high achievement is always there(Eg. so many suicides over the years from Investment Bank traders around the world or loads of mental health issues with surgery doctors).

If its mild and only because the school has done absolutely nothing then I hope the school read this topic or is there a way you could escalate it further if you think the councillor and care could help the situation rather than the nature of the school is a hothouse one( but its one of the highest achieving school so no wonder).

Wish your daughter all the best, its such a difficult time to such an important decision.

Just because most DCs don’t get all high grades at “lesser” schools, doesn’t mean the brightest DC will do less well than they should do. It is perfectly possible to achieve highly but there are just less DC that do. It doesn’t lower any possible achievement. My DDs went to a lesser school but one did just as well as many at Tiffin. If they are happy, you actually gain!

I am in exactly the same boat and i am just in the process of pulling out my year 9 dd1 from academic selective independent.

For her it has been truly awful. Doing well academically but hates the pressure, many girls falling our, crying in the toilets and miserable, lots of fallouts, etc

Dd1 is going to a small non selective independent but I am sure she will get the same results as she is driven and self motivated.. Just needs a calmer environment!!

Jane i doubt this comment " And nor do my kids" if they are young they might not know now but give them a few years and they will know exactly which of their classmates are cracking under the pressure. and they too might join in some of the unhealthier ways of coping (self harm, vomiting etc.) just to see what it's all about.
personally i think mental health is more important than educational achievement.

I have seen schools go in cycles of complacency to really working hard at dealing with the challenges that go with high achievers. DD is loving her SS Grammar but I know it's had problems in the past. The girls are supportive of each other and the school nurtures this giving and caring attitude as they know it is so important. There is a qualified school counsellor on site with whom the girls can book appointments with 3 days a week.

Importantly the girls have a huge opportunity for outlets in things very non-academic, on one day alone they had the following (all optional) activities:
 Mock Trial practice
 Gospel Choir practice
 Knit and natter
 Afro Caribbean society
 Cultural Food Stall
 Biology Masterclass
 Movember fundraising
 Coding Club
 VoxCC (a singing group)
 Year 7 Science Club
 Rehearsal for the Sixth Form Revue
 Y8 charity Card tournament
If it is all focus on academics it is not going to be healthy, just as we go to work, it is also important to do other things - just not too much!

If you are looking for state sixth forms near Shepperton, St Paul’s Catholic in Sunbury, Salesian in Chertsey, or Heathside in Weybridge are worth looking at.

I don’t think you will get much of bursary/scholarship from the independent schools, although it is worth asking.

DS is at one and I don't think the boys are over stessed at all (from what I hear). Certainly DS wasn't but there again he didn't perform brilliantly in his GCSEs. He's working much harder now but still not stressed. Agree that many of the DC, super bright though they may be, DO have tutors all the way through school to ensure that they do get those top grades.