Did you choose your child's secondary school for them? (Private school related)

[DisappearingFish]

DD (year 6) wants to go to the local secondary next year.

I would like her to go to the nearest private school.

She's 10 so she doesn't really know the difference in opportunity. She just wants to go to the nearest school with all her friends.

How have other MNers approached this?

(I'm less interested in debating the pros and cons of each school as DD isn't really listening to these, just want to hear about people who have either been led by or have overruled their kids). Thanks 🙂

I let DS choose but only within a range of schools I was happy with. We didn't even take him to see our nearest school because I didn't want him to go there. I took him to two grammars and two privates and he chose between these.

I know Im going to be slammed here but I let DS2 at 7 yrs choose to go to a boarding school then at 9 yrs old he choose his HM having met two (a verybig decision) as part application for his secondary and at 12 yrs old he choose which secondary school to go to at 13. I have always carefully discussed with him his options, discussed the pros and cons in an unbiased way, if asked state my choice but then let him decide and then supported him in his decisions. After all he was the one living with the decisions.

No judgement from me, I went to boarding school and loved it.

Interesting replies so far.

I allowed dd to go to a non academically selective dance school instead of a highly regarded academically selective private school. Best decision ever.

Ds went to the private school and it was disastrous. He now goes to a local bog standard state comp although I did tell him he wasn’t going to the local school that’s been inadequate for the last 5 years and finally this year the academy trust had all its schools taken away.

I think a child has to be happy and comfortable at a school. Having fantastic opportunities is no good if a child doesn’t “fit”.

Not exactly. We toured several schools with them and discussed the ones we liked. DH and I steered the conversation away from schools they liked that we could tell weren't right for them, until we'd narrowed it down.
Has she looked round the private school? Are there facilities there, or clubs, or opportunities that might appeal to her which you could focus on?
But it was easy for us because there was one school we all adored more than any other.It's definitely been the right place for them both.

My dd goes to an ooc grammar, which was our choice.
She wasn't overly keen to sit for it, would rather have gone to the local comp with her friend's but is okay now she is there (yr 8).

Dd chose her secondary school. She wanted all girls, I would have preferred mixed because of my own single sex secondary hang ups. Has been great for her. She had lots of local comprehensive options.

Ds1 had several local options as well as grammar schools nearby but in next borough. Local schools are fully comprehensive. He was adamant that he didn’t want to take the grammar tests (very bright but grammars involved buses and longer journey/earlier start), wanted to go to a school that he could walk to and that was mixed.

Using those criteria there were 3 comprehensives he could have gone to. He liked the nearest one that most of his friends then turned out to have chosen (or didn’t get grammar places so was second choice for them). I felt it was important for him (knowing him well) that he had had a part in the decision, knowing that he would do well wherever he went, and it’s worked out really well.

Younger ds keen to try for grammar, with ds1s school as a second choice if he doesn’t get in on marks/distance. So we will go down that route (even though I would much rather he followed on to ds1s school as the nearest grammar school is ok but it’s results don’t justify the distance travelled in my opinion). Sigh.

So - Long story short, yes. Dcs all had a part in decision making. Easyish for us as really most schools nearby are decent.

Ds is currently year 5 at a prep school. He wants to try for the local Grammar school test but we don't think he would pass (and we don't like single sex schools),, so we are going to keep him in the private system.

I looked round a few schools from about Year 4 onwards. Decided that there were 3 i would be happy with. Dd (and dh) liked a particular one of these and she went there and I've been happy with it. Our nearest one and one other local one I'd looked round but didn't want, so we didn't take dd to see those ones.

Really interesting mix of replies.

Our situation is that there's only one local school and no grammar options (rural location) so it's either the local academy or private.

DD is frustratingly bright but happy to coast along under the radar of teachers. And she lacks confidence in her abilities in some areas. My perception is that a private school with smaller classes will be better for her academically.

Local school has good exam results but feels like it's teetering as it has high staff turnover and a lot of parents unhappy with the way the school responds to feedback (usually with silence).

Are you sure the private school is any better?
It's often the case that private parents are less openly critical of their school, given the cost and sacrifice (for some).
My kids have been in both systems so I am not judging in any way.

Private schools are also very intolerant to critisism & don’t hesitate to threaten parents.

Private schools are also very intolerant to critisism & don’t hesitate to threaten parents.

I don't recognise this. Threaten in what sense?

I didn't let my son opt out of his exceptionally competitive school when he felt daunted throughout year 9, having coasted through his non-selective prep. He's certainly grown into it and I am jolly glad we stuck with it, because I was tempted to give in many times.

Generally, I'd not allow my kids to prioritise their social life over a superior education. I find it hard to believe that anyone would.

Whether the local private is a superior education is a different matter. I couldn't say. Is there a big disparity in GCSE/A-Level results?

I'm pretty sure the private school is better, particularly for sport, music, art, drama. The local school gets good exam results but not as good the private school. That could be down to demographics of course.

I don't want to force DD to go to a school against her will but I don't want her to miss out on the opportunity.

She's been to open days at both and still wants to go to the local school. But she's walked past it every day of her life, I think it's hard for her to imagine going anywhere else.

We decided between 2 schools for my Ds ( neither private) I felt the groups of children were different in both schools . Pro’s and con’s for both.
We both agreed on n the school I felt he would fit in but also bring him on. It has so far.

I was summoned into the headmasters office & threatened with bringing the school into disrepute because I’d complained to friends about a new (punishment expulsion of child) policy they had brought in when the head changed. One of them knew a teacher & shopped me.

It was a real mix for us ...admittedly 3 years ago now. If me,DP or DS felt strongly for or against a school it had more sway. Thank goodness out of 6 schools seen we all agreed on a favourite and the ones we didn't like. Sorry not really any help at all

I would decide based on input from child and my views of the best school and its offering.
Absolutely no way would I decide on basis of “staying with my friends”. Y7 will see a totally different group of children entering and group dynamics can change beyond recognition.

We asked DD to go on a taster day at the private school. If she really didn’t like it then we wouldn’t try to persuade her any more. She spent the whole day there doing a normal school day in a year 6 class and loved it so much that she didn’t want to go anywhere else. Couldn’t have wished for a better outcome. Then had nail biting wait going through the application process and worrying we’d put her through this and would have to let her down if she didn’t get a place. Now 4 weeks into the private school and she has no regrets, absolutely thriving.

Imagining what it will be like in a few years' time is hard for a lot of children at that age I think. An underconfident underachiever might well find it difficult to see the potential benefits that the private school option might provide.

My eldest moved to a prep at 9 and then we started looking at 13+ senior schools - her response to visits at 10/11 was limited, at 12-13 she was much more able to express opinions and reasons for and against different options. Her younger brother had even less idea at 10 ("it's a school" was usually the best response he could come up with).

I do remember my sister and I having significant input into school choice at that age; though that was partly because we only got our yr 7 places (different schools) via scholarships (non-UK). I didn't get the impression that our classmates had had much input into school choice by comparison.

So much as I like giving children a say and input into school selection, I think ultimately choice (to whatever extent it exists) at year 7 needs to be based on parental assessment of the right fit, bearing the child's opinions and preferences in mind but being willing to overrule them with reasons. (We might have had an easier time with our son had we appreciated that earlier!) They mature a lot, often, at some point from 11-15+ and if a school isn't working out by the end of year 7 or at a later time, I'd probably want to take their opinions very seriously if possible at that point.

Consider very carefully why the private school could be right for her. If it is literally the only other choice, make sure you aren't choosing what it represents rather than what it, individually, is. And even consider casting a wider net, by perhaps looking at where you could get to for weekly boarding from 13.

Good luck making decisions you can feel happy with.

All 3 of mine chose. My only criteria was that they could get there under their own steam. All 3 should be able to do well as they have the cademic ability but my main concern is their happiness. Although new friends are made I've a feeling that ds main friends will be from his primary.

I did a lot of research and carefully shortlisted prior to 11+ kick-started and made sure DS got a place in a good comp via aptitude test and also in a private school with a scholarship. We decided to go for the state option and thought we were finally out of the dilemma of choosing right school for him. However, DS found a school he really wanted to go, and after a long discussion I agreed that he would apply for the school in a few years time if he still wanted to go, and contacted the school just to get some more information for future reference. Somehow he ended up getting an offer of a place starting this September. There are lots of reasons for hesitation on our part so it was really a tough decision to make but in the end we let DS go where he wanted to go. So we turned down a place in the good comp, and sent him to the school of his choice this September. I wasn't sure how much to listen to him. He is a summer born so a very young 11 years old. I still don't know if we made a right decision. He is happy though (at least at the moment).

We chose. They are children and cannot possibly understand the implications of their choices.

I involved DD in the process all along, so it wasn't a surprise to her when the concept of the private school came up.

In all honesty I think I would have chosen for her ultimately but she chose the private school anyway.