Did you choose your child's secondary school for them? (Private school related)

[DisappearingFish]

DD (year 6) wants to go to the local secondary next year.

I would like her to go to the nearest private school.

She's 10 so she doesn't really know the difference in opportunity. She just wants to go to the nearest school with all her friends.

How have other MNers approached this?

(I'm less interested in debating the pros and cons of each school as DD isn't really listening to these, just want to hear about people who have either been led by or have overruled their kids). Thanks 🙂

Dd was happy to go to Private School instead of all the Comps her friends were going to
She had a few wobbles when they were going for settling in days etc and over the summer before she started when they were all discussing new classes and things like that but overall she was happy to go and she says that she’s very glad she’s there ( now y9)
However, DS keeps saying that he isn’t going there ( he’s in y5)
He will be going though but I’m not sure it will suit him quite as well as it suits Dd.

I let both my DC choose their secondary.

They are thriving both socially and academically and will leave with very high grades.

However, their happiness is paramount to me ... and they chose to go where their friends are which is fine by me.

So many parents cause their adolescents mental health problems ( i am a mental health nurse and see this literally every day ).

So having a perspective on the whole situation, and giving them choice was very important to us.

They are very happy young people.

For my elder daughter we looked at 4 independents and 2 state schools (only 2, because we are too far away from any others and she would never have got in).

Most of her primary school friends were going to the comp in our town and she was very keen to go there too. She was very anti the other state school, which I preferred of the two, but I didn't like either. Our nearest had a problem with poor behaviour and bullying. It was 'satisfactory' according to Ofsted (equivalent to 'requires improvement' today), academic results were poor, and the music was extremely uninspiring. Daughter was bright, musical, very shy and lacked self-confidence. I could not see her thriving at the comp.

Ultimately, we had the final decision, and she went to our preferred school, a single-sex day school. No one else from her primary went to that school, but fortunately she knew two other girls from extra curricular activities, and they had been to the same school, so knew each other.

It didn't take long for her to settle in and she was very happy there for 7 years.

At 10/11, I think parents have to make the decision, obviously taking into their child's preferences.

@Fifthtimelucky your daughter sounds similar to mine.

The half way house is to go local for two years and move when she's 13 but that might be worse?

I chose my own secondary but it was between a number of private boarding schools which were all good (not in the UK). And actually I chose for the wrong reason, although it turned out okay.

Going back 18-20 years I went to a primary school in a less affluent area than where we lived, I wanted to go to the high school near there. The high school with a very bad reputation, near the bottom of the leaderboards, but the one all my friends were going to. My parents wanted me to go to the one closest to where we lived. In a different borough to the other one but a good school, good reputation, near the top of the leaderboards.
Parents let me choose, I went to the first school. Don’t get me wrong, in terms of results I would probably have done better at the second school. I went off the rails a bit in Y11 and started smoking and bunking off, my results were average at best and I could’ve done a lot better. The school also failed ofsted in my final year and entered special measures. It closed for good around 10 years ago. My DH was in my year at school though and if I hadn’t gone there it would be unlikely our paths would’ve crossed and we would’ve got together. We both have decent jobs, jobs that we would have regardless of our exam results.

Choose the school that is the best fit for your child. The one with the right approach for her to pressure (some kids do better with more, some with less etc) and the general feel as not all state or private schools are equal and only you can judge the schools you have there. We had a similar choice to make and went with the best fit. We do not regret that decision and our DD is thriving where she is. We may or not make the same choice for her sibling at the appropriate stage,. It will depend on who she has become, what will get the best from her and what we feel is the best fit therefore at that time.

@DisappearingFish, personally I think it would be much more difficult to make the move at 13.

At 10/11, children are likely to more biddable, less emotional, less opinionated and less invested in friendships than they are at 12/13. And I wouldn't have wanted my daughters going to our local school for even 2 years.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

We're in scotland so it's slightly different in that catchment areas are fixed and we have none of the "applying to lots of different schools and see what you get" stuff which goes on in England.

We moved into our current house when my oldest was 4 and still had a year at pre-school before starting Primary. But the absolute main factor was picking a house which was in the catchment for our preferred Primary, which fed into the preferred senior school. It was a good school 10 years ago and is still a really good school - Scottish state secondary of the year twice in the past few years. So we did make the decision for them by dint of where we chose to live, just at a younger age than the OP.

I don't think any 10 year old has the maturity to consider the pros and cons of each school. All they are interested in is what their friends are doing. Remember also that in a large secondary they could well be split up from their friends anyway and in a class with only a couple of familiar faces.

Parents need to make the decision.

We chose.

An outcome for those who are interested.

I chose a gentle, incremental approach to the school choice issue. Emphasised that that it was her decision all along but encouraged her to be open minded, to go to the open day and the additional activity day. She did with a bit of protest and under the promise of some bribery!

Then in November she suddenly said she wanted to do the entrance exam "to give herself options" which flabbergasted me. We did one afternoon of practice papers which prompted some more tears. She went in to the exam, white as a sheet, but came out laughing.

She was offered a place, spent about three weeks thinking about it before deciding that, mainly because of the sports opportunities, she wanted to go.

She is feeling sad about leaving her friends, no question.

Ironically, since my first post about her being unconfident and quiet in school, she's become much more confident in her abilities and willing to put herself forward in school and group situations. So I think she probably would have been okay in the local school, although the more I hear about the local school the more glad I am that she chose the other one.

Every child is different but I genuinely think that for her, this was the right approach.

Thanks to everyone's input, it was really appreciated.

Thank you for coming back to update. It is always good to know how these things turned out.

DCs went to a school that was not the secondary school for their feeder primary, Ds1 went in knowing one other child but they didn't like each other, Ds2 went knowing no-one. They are year 11 and year 8 now and loving every minute of it. Made a lot of new friends, some they have kept some they haven't but they are happy.

Hopefully this will also be the way for your DD.

DD is in year 5 and we chose the schools that we liked as well. If I left it to her, she would pick the local state school to be with her friends. But I think she'd be much better off in a private school. I told her that even if she went to the local comp, they split up the classes and mix up the kids and she is unlikely to see her friends very much anyway. I think, in the end, you are the parent so you have to make the final decision. You can't leave it to your child because they can't see past the end of next week, let alone a few years down the track.

We “strongly encouraged” DD to choose her school, despite all her friends going to the local comp. she did have a few wobbles when they were doing transition and over the summer Holiday before starting y7 but is now in y9 and agrees she’s in the best place for her ( although she sometimes complains life would be easier at the comp.
DS is in Y5 now and will join his sister in Y7, he’s not happy about it but we’ve told him he’s going and that’s it ( State alternative is in special measures)
At 10 they can’t possibly make an informed choice. I got offered a scholarship to Private school and was on the verge of turning it down but ( luckily?) while I was deciding what to do some evil bitches at my a Primary School found out I was offered the scholarship and bullied me really badly over it. They were supposed to be my friends and were the main reason I wanted to go to the state school so I could be with them
I’m very grateful they did though because it totally changed my mind and I had a great time at Private School with some amazing opportunities

She is feeling sad about leaving her friends, no question.

My DD went to SS grammar, all of her friends from a 2 class primary went to the local school. DD's primary is linked to local school and she had spent all her primary years going up to the local school doing sports days, science days etc. She was very very sad not to be going there with all of her friends.

I told her to try the first year and if she didn't like it I would move her. She absolutely loves it, raves about what a good time she has there and how it was definitely the right choice for her. She sees her best friends from Primary still a lot and they all chat about their schools and are all happy.

We let him choose, but sneakily sent him to sports camps in private school and he loved open day.
He mixes with a lot of children from a wide range of schools in various holiday camps, and could mull it over.

Dd2 chose her upper school (14) but not younger, we listened to their views and didn't send them to the nearest school (single sex) but we chose the alternative. They both chose 6th form with dd2 applying for a bursary to go private by herself

Thanks for the update.
On balance, I would probably have pushed the private school in your situation. Tried to create a situation where your dd wanted to go, but ultimately made the choice.
For a bright or above motivated student, they will probably do well anywhere if socially settled. For any child that is happy to coast, perhaps let opportunities go by - which was your description of your DD - then my own experience to date (going to middling state schools myself then DS1 being at state and now private) suggests private will get the best out of them whilst the state school may not be able too. I am a bit of a believer in the 'lost middle' who are doing well enough for no one to be bothered - they will get the required SATS level or pass GCSEs at level 4-6 - but could do much better with a little more input and opportunity.
Hope your DD settles well in sept.

Thanks all I know she'll have no trouble making friends, she has always managed to have a small number of really good friends. And she'll still see them at various clubs, plus we live in a small town where everyone is reachable by walking/bike. It won't be long before she'll be traveling/meeting up independently at the weekend.

Glad to hear that all your DCs had good experiences at school.

Love an update!

We didn't let DS1 choose. He wanted to go to the local secondary (a). Because it is close. and the people he knows go there.
We wanted him to go to the (not at all local) school (b) that we thought would be better for him.
We visited both schools to get a feel for them and we also took (greatly) into consideration the academic results. (b) is the best performing in the entire region. (its not private, but it has the feel of a 'private' school - I only say that because I went to one)
We also thought (b) would suit DS1 better. He's intelligent but needs a kick up the a*se to do anything, and knowing the swift turnover of teachers at (a) and the comments from parents of existing pupils, we decided that (b) which is way stricter, would be better for him.
We have truly made life harder for ourselves. (b) is much farther away and DS1 has not made any new friends yet. He is unlikely to ever forgive us for sending him there. However such is his nature that I suspect he would hate ANY secondary.
BUT I still think we made the right choice for him. He only had one or two friends from primary anyway. He 'didn't like' the rest of them. He still has those friends. His choice was based not wanting change. He can't stand change and unfortunately the timing wasn't great because we overwhelmed him with it this year (we moved house in July ) We think he has more opportunities at (b)
I have no idea whether we made the right choice. I think that we did. He was very, very upset for the first couple of weeks, which is heartbreaking to see, but he settled. I wouldn't say he enjoys it, but then he wouldn't enjoy any school.
Our next problem is DS2. I'm not sure (b) is the right place for him. But then DS1 will never forgive us if we send him elsewhere

oh I posted then just saw you updated! Good update OP