How are your kids' GCSEs or A levels affecting YOUR mental health?

[Wonderwine]

I wanted to start a thread to chat specifically about the impact of exams on the rest of the family.

We have DS1 doing A levels ad DS2 doing GCSEs so we always knew this was going to be a horrible term, but I think I massively underestimated the way in which exam season would impact me (and to some extent DH too).

Here are some of the ways it's affected me which I hadn't really thought about before:

• the energy required to be constantly 'on call' for any revision crisis/ needing to stay positive to reassure and 'talk up' the DCs confidence when they have a wobble
• feeling responsible for making sure that they eat/ sleep/revise/have downtime sensibly
• DH ranting at me when he comes home and asks about how much revision DS2 has done
• accepting random angry outbursts from the DCs as 'understandable' and trying to ignore
• constantly having to answer questions like "what happens if I don't get my grades and can't go to Uni/ Sixth Form?'
• constantly being required to replenish exam stocks of black pens, protractors, bottled water
• feeling like I need to know DS2's timetable (he has a mild SpLD) to ensure he is always where he should be

I feel totally shattered and wrung out and the exams have only just started.
DS2 came home yesterday after Biology and had an angry rant because "you didn't tell me to revise yeast and fermentation.."
(He did apologise later though)

This morning I woke up with a panic attack as I though DS1 had slept in and he had a Maths exam (he hadn't - he was already up).

I was very stressed at Easter, when my year 11 DD seemed ready to go into a phase of complete with avoidance. But we're through that now and I'm mostly relieved that the exams are finally underway and she seems reasonably calm.

If my DH (a) had a go at me or (b) helped himself to exam stationery, however, I would be absolutely furious.

I hear you all. DD isn't too bad, though definitely a bit on edge and twitchy - but add in the fact my mum started chemo yesterday, and my dad had an eye operation last week, and life is a tad much right now . . .

Ex-H (dd's dad) does his best in his way but when dd was staying with him at the weekend, I got a string of messages from both of them because she'd lost some stuff & got stressed, then he got stressed, then they both started shouting at each other . . .etc etc etc.

I agree that the stress you feel is issuing from you and your husband being so involved.

I've had DCs' doing GCSEs, ASs, A2s, Prelims and Finals all in a single May/ June and I think the worst thing I could have done would have been to get involved with the content of their revision. Your stress will become their stress which will not do them any good.

Your husband sounds utterly bang out of order - does he have anger issues? His reaction is v v weird.

Perhaps I should have posted this in Special Needs really, as it's clear there is a difference in the anxiety stress levels and the level of support needed for different children/students.
With DS1, two years ago, he was mostly self-sufficient for his GCSEs and my input was of the listening ear/ food type.

I've been completely shocked by how different it has been for DS2 due to his anxiety/ dyslexia etc. Of course it's not helped by the fact that the GCSEs have changed so much in the last two years.
Two years ago, DS1 did 25% coursework for English Lit and could take copies of the set texts into exams. Fast forward to this year and DS2 has 0% coursework and two exams for which he has to memorise quotes from 3 set texts and 14 poems - it's a completely different scenario!

I don't think I'm passing on my stress to DS2, but I think the process of having to suppress it whilst maintaining a constantly positive attitude to keep DS2 on a even keel is what's causing the problem.

But it IS better now that the exams are underway, and I completely agree with the poster who said it's good not to have to deal with the day-to-day stress of the schoolday.

Wonderwine, having a SEN child changes everything!
We have one NT DS and one DD with ADHD. DS can be left to do his own thing, do half the revision/ work DD has to do, and do well.
DD simply cannot be left to get on with it, and anything she has to do takes 3,4,5 times as much work to learn.
If you have a child with SpLD, they cannot be left to "get on with it" in the way children without difficulties can; they just don't have the ability to swim without some kind of buoyancy aid.

Floottoot - thank you! Yes this is it exactly: they cannot be left to "get on with it" in the way children without difficulties can; they just don't have the ability to swim without some kind of buoyancy aid

I think GCSEs are possibly the worst stage - at least at A level DS2 will have chosen subjects which match his skill set (mostly creative/ visual etc) and there may be an element of coursework again too.

wonderwine, when DD was diagnosed at 7, the consultant told us to pretty much forget about school and suggested we get her a pet, "because her school days will NOT be happy, and children 'like her' do well with animals".
We could not believe what we were hearing, but as interns out, her secondary school days have been pretty bloody awful to date and she's only in year 9. Just getting her through the day without some kind of crisis is a full time job some times, and any kind of test/exam takes superhuman effort from all of us, not just her..
On the positive side...I suspect I have learnt more helping her than I ever did in my own school days!

Informally empathise with you and suspect you are doing a brilliant job holding everything and everyone together. Good luck and lots of strength to keep you going!

I totally empathise, not informally!

I really do think they mature over the years, and that supporting them at GCSE does not necessarily mean supporting them at A Levels and Uni.

I have spent many, many hours supporting DS over the years, including all the way through primary school (I have suspected some mild form of ADD/ADHD for years, but we only got him tested last year, when he decided he wanted to understand why it was that he struggled to retain information he got instantly, and why his performance was so erratic, and so closely linked to the quality of the teacher - he can ossilate between brilliant and poor results and has spent the years yo-yoing between sets). Now we are waiting for CAMUS.
But, as we hit the end of Year 10, I am finding increasingly that he is self sufficient in those subjects he might/will end up doing at A level. All of a sudden this year, after years and years of supporting him in Maths and all forms of Science, he is motivated, making up his own notes and revising on his own!!!!!!! Not to mention the Art (which I could never help him with).
On the other hand, the subjects he will not go on with I am still putting in a lot of time with - reminding him to revise, quizzing him on vocabulary, spelling, time management, everything. Very hands on. But I can really see a light at the end of the tunnel! I, like wonderwine, am really doing it so he can show he has a decent clutch of GCSEs, which will enable him to go onto A level and do what he is good at (or rather, what he is prepared to take responsibility for on his own). I haven't helped him in Maths and Science for just over a year now (I used to do loads, I virtually taught him the Year 8 syllabus!) Every now and then I test whether I can drop back on any of the other subjects, in the hope I can, but not sure if I will be able to before the dreaded exams next year and they disappear completely from his life.
Next year is going to be fraught, however, as he gets very anxious, and wants desperately to do well, just (at least in the past) not skilled enough to know how to learn/revise and just all over the place (but got 92% average in the Year 10 maths mocks without my involvement at all)

mimtza - thanks for posting that - it really does help to know that you're not alone, when other parents around you are saying "Oh, I just leave them to it..."

I agree completely about them taking responsibility for the subjects they are interested in/ likely to take to A level - I'm seeing that too. Like you, we see GCSEs as a necessary transition and jumping off point - if he gets a decent enough set of A*-C grades then he will still be able to do pretty much anything he wants in the future. If we'd just stood back and let him flail and fail then he could be facing having to move schools to local sixth form college and do resits - neither of which would be good for him at this stage.

mimtza, it is so interesting to read the correlative n between your son's results and the quality of his teachers. DD's end of year test results last year ranged from less than 40% for French ( teacher refused to help her at all, despite our requests) and 93% in geography (teacher said, "I've realised that the clearer I am, the better your DD does, so I make sure I am VERY clear"). This year, she has had a different French teacher who actually supports her, resulting in her achieving 75% in a written test and 65%in an oral, which would have been unimaginable 12 months ago.

Not only is DD better able to work independently in these subjects because of good teaching, but doing well in them has given her more confidence to try to work alone. Win, win!

It really is impacting on me - my DS is doing his GCSEs and I'm not sleeping at all. I keep dreaming of exams and as soon as I'm awake my brain is switching on and i can't get back to sleep. I work from home so have really been a full part of his school journey and have always supported him. My DS has worked so hard, has revised and prepared but although bright struggles with the pressure of the exams and doesn't always fulfil his potential. I am desperate for him to pass his English and Maths so he doesn't have to retake. His predicted grades are 6's but I don't have much faith in the new systems and I am worrying continually. His school only had a 50% A-C pass rate last year which means half of his year are not going to get level 4's. I want these exams to prove to him that when you work hard you get rewarded with good results. He will be incredibly disheartened if he fails after working so hard. But I am powerless to help him further now - I am so anxious :(

Teachers make a huge, huge difference for my DS (I think kids without his issues, it seems to make less of a difference). Because of his focus issues, he needs (a) a teacher who can control the class (he struggles to take anything in at all if other stuff is going on), but (b) allows interaction and involvement (including coping with DS calling out answers in class, without encouraging it). He also does not learn if he is just being lectured to, so the participation is vital, but he can/does get over excited and struggles to just put his hand up. The nice thing is (from a teacher's point of view) is that he is genuinely interested in just about everything, and is really bright and on the ball (if focused, I know that sounds weird, but that is the way it is) and so can be a pleasure to teach if well managed (and a nightmare if not).

My favorite story about him goes all the way back to Year 2, when the teacher used to say to me "I don't know how I would run my class without [DS], he runs it for me". At first I thought "what kind of a teacher is it that would let a 6 year old run their class", but then I realised what was going on. DS struggled to sit in his seat, but was so keen and eager to please - so ... he was the one who brought the register to the teacher from the office, he was the one who took the register back to the office, he was the one who handed out the worksheets and who collected them up again afterwards, and it was his job to remind her about golden time and circle time and mat time and whatever. Meaning that he was allowed to call out a bit in class, and be out of his seat, and be praised for it, rather than constantly being told off.
He is a lot older now, and can at least stay in his seat (most of the time, unless he is too bored), but a lot of those traits persist. The keeness, the interest, but the need to keep being actively involved.
When I had to teach him (because the teacher in question was not able to, so I kept a close watch and stepped in), it was a very interactive form of teaching, and I had to keep hauling him back from whatever tangent he went on, but he was genuinely interested in ideas of all sorts, from science to history to maths.

IRL parents do not “leave them to it” any more than the MN alternate reality where 4-5yos play out alone.

I know 2 people whose dc are doing GCSEs. Both wrote revision scheduled for the child and actively help and encourage them to revise.

I will be helping my dc in any way I can when we are at that stage. So shoot me!

OP to be fair you did write the post as a general query, not directed specifically to parents of DC with special needs.

ScattyCharly your sample is very very very small! I can say with complete honesty that I have absolutely 'left my DC to it'. My eighth DC is currently in the middle of her GCSEs and I can't think of a much worse thing for her GCSEs or a much more tedious occupation for me than writing a revision schedule. It's a completely daft idea.

Ah, I see you haven't even had a DC do GCSEs.

DC is at boarding school so I have very little input. Up to her.

My eighth DC is currently in the middle of her GCSEs and I can't think of a much worse thing for her GCSEs or a much more tedious occupation for me than writing a revision schedule. It's a completely daft idea.

Only had two in through GCSEs so far, and one of them A levels, and I can safely say that if it ever seemed to one of them (or to DH) to be a good idea that a parent should be writing revision schedules for them, they obviously whacked that one on the head, smartish. Nor would it have occurred to me in a million years that it was something that I should consider doing for them. My main concern over their public exams was making sure that they knew whether or not they had a 9.00 paper on any given day.

Wow, I'm surprised how involved some of you are! My dd is currently doing GCSEs and she is very independent. I think the school is doing a great job at teaching and preparing them for their exams. I also feel that our kids need to take ownership of their life, their studies and learn from any mistakes they may make (that's what end of year exams between yr7 and yr10 are for imo).

And why on earth would I do their revision plan for them?

Well I helped my DD do a revision plan, because she was feeling a bit aimless and confused and I have about 30 years of experience with time management and prioritisation that I though might be helpful to her. We did it together. It was nice to hear how things are going. I don't think that makes me over involved - just responding to the needs of my individual child.

I am 100% with you op, my dd has dyslexia and anxiety and she 100% wants (and needs) me to be involved in her GCSEs. My input is very similar to yours (virtually the same but without the shouty dh). I am also finding it tiring and stressful

It irritates me when other parents post incredulously at how - in their view - over involved other parents are. They clearly lack insight. I don't love being hands on with GCSE's - it's not an interesting and diverting hobby for me, it's necessary to support dd

I also agree with the poster who says it's too early to leave them to sink or swim and that some GCSEs are essential for any sort of job and for accessing lretty much any further education including vocational courses

Some posters should engage brain before posting - if I had a naturally academic, independent and self confident child who thrived on getting on with it herself - of course I would relish that and let her. As I am sure would other parents who support their dc through revision for one reason or another. We're not a bunch of neurotics or pushy parents

I did/ do also leave one of my DC with processing/ dysgraphia etc difficulties in the same way. I'm not sure that I could help with the difficulties he has.

The response to a general question about parental stress can't always nod to parents with DC with special and particular needs. I'm sure that all those posters who said they leave their DC to get on with it engaged their brain fully, but there's clearly a chasm on MN about the level of involvement and that isn't purely the difference between 'naturally academic, independent and self-confident DC' (bit of an assumption there!) and those with anxiety say. It's absolutely clear that some parents get super involved and possibly actually ramp up pressure by doing so. It's a perfectly valid point to make. Rather ridiculously I get told I must be super involved for my DC to get decent results but in fact I'm pretty sure it's my lack of involvement which helps them far more.

As ever on these sorts of threads it's "each to their own", "horses for courses", "your child, your choice," etc! I didn't start the thread to initiate a competition to find out whose child was going to get the best grades with the least intervention from parents - I was just feeling rather overwhelmed by the stress of managing DS2 (who yes, does have a SpLD) and wanted to chat to others who might be in the same situation.
DS1 breezed through his GCSEs with 10 A*s and relatively little input from us (in retrospect) so I do understand why some parents would be incredulous about the amount of support other parents feel they need to give. I didn't realise I'd be in this situation two years ago.

There seems to be an extra layer of stress this year due to the fact that many of the specifications are being examined for the first time, so the teachers are unsure what to expect. For two of DS2's exams there are NO past papers to look at and just one 'sample' paper published. Last year's and this year's students are very much guinea pigs for some of the new syllabus. DS2's history teacher has already said that teachers across the country have been lobbying the exam board to reduce the syllabus content as it is simply too much for a two year period.

For two of DS2's exams there are NO past papers to look at and just one 'sample' paper published.

But everyone will be in that position. And because of that, results overall may be lower, so grade boundaries may need to shift accordingly.