Private 11+ or 13+ boarding or day school Southern England please?

[bottomsup2]

Hi there, I hope you lovely people can help me out please? I'm beginning the search for my son's next school. I have some ideas myself and some from the prep school Head, but in my experience Mumsnetters are awesome at coming up with those I may have missed.

We're looking for:
11+ or 13+ school within 1.5 hours of Bournemouth - so Hampshire, Dorset, Surrey, Somerset, East Sussex, or Berkshire.
Boys only or co-ed
Day school if it's within 45 mins of Bournemouth; if it's further away it'll need to be boarding
My son is academically very capable, his first try at CATS here gave him a mean of 138.
He likes sport and likes to be in the school teams, but it doesn't have to be a school known for its sporting prowess. He excels at football so that would be a sport that the school would need to offer.

Pressed Enter too early, sorry!

He likes extra-curricular stuff, he's a confident child who is everyone's best mate by lunchtime, no SEN, and he would definitely need an academic school. Having said that, I'm looking at Winchester College, and knowing my child, he hates being beaten (argh) so I'm wondering if ultra-academic would not suit him, he would perhaps be better at a school where he could be in the top set for everything, but that would still push him, IYKWIM.

Many thanks everyone for any help you can offer me. xxx

Here's the list so far that I need to investigate. Any views on these for my son would be gratefully received, as well as suggestions for those I have missed.

Bradfield
Bryanston
Canford
Charterhouse
Dauntseys
Hampshire Collegiate - although mumsnetters say this is a less academic school
King Edwards Southampton - sounds like a great fit
King Edwards Witley - the ISI report mentions it doesn't push the more able kids very well though
Lord Wandsworth
Marlborough (though it sounds too ultra-monied for my liking)
Sherbourne
Warminster
Win College - we like it but maybe my son would be at the bottom of the sets here?

Seriously, if you don’t have complete faith in your prep school head - what are you paying for? Discerning the best next school for your child, and making sure they’re properly prepared to get there, is surely the whole point of the HM’s existence?

(Sorry to be unhelpful!)

Wow, king edwards witley and winchester college on same list? This is incredibly broad, between very highly selective academic single sex schools, and more chilled out (and less prestigious) co-eds, and also some well regarded co eds. Do you want co ed or single sex? Majority of boarders or even mix? Lots of overseas students ?
If Malborough is too money-ed, surely same applies to several of these as far as I know.. occupational hazard with private schools!

You don’t say how old he is - so maybe it’s too soon to tell what he’ll be like at 11 or 13?

But in my experience it’s best to start by knowing what you want and then identifying the schools that offer those elements. Narrow your criteria. Day or boarding? (Which may indicate 11or 13+) Co-ed or single sex? Etc.

Why did you choose your prep? Which schools does it habitually prepare children for? Thirteen schools is too many. What do you want for him?

My children go to Lord Wandsworth and are loving it. Seems to be a nice mix of day, flexi, weekly and full boarders, everyone is in a house regardless and do their prep and socials there.

I’m happy with the mix of co-curricular, good balance between arts and sports and other stuff and they are challenged academically but also supported. (Plus lovely new science blocked being built soon.)

But what suits us will not suit everyone, so you need to start going and seeing schools, you will quickly get a vibe if it is the right or wrong place for you.

TheLetter - thank you very much for posting. Your personal experience of that school is really helpful. I have PM'd you.

With regards to the other questions. I am open minded about single sex or co-ed. My son is 10 and will do well in either. It would be day if it was a school close to Bournemouth but boarding if it was further. He would do really well with boarding to be honest but it's really expensive!

The head has recommended: Win Coll, Lord Wansdworth, King Edwards Southampton, Canford, and Bradfield. He said possibly Marlborough but that it was a bit too full of Duchess of Cambridge wanabees these days! (His words, not mine, reading between the lines I think he means that us a family wouldn't be a good fit).

I am looking at the more pastoral schools for my elder son and ideally I would like both of them at the same school - I am very ill and this would reduce the stress on me if I can;t drive anymore. I know that it is unusual to find a school that caters for both pastoral/gentle boys and academic sporty boys, but that's why my list is broad - you never know, there might be a school that CAN do both ends of this spectrum, which is why I need your help.

Bradfield is a big football school and not too competetive academically but with a small core of bright children who do well. Also a broad range of academic/non academic/sporty and music and drama people

Could this suit both dc. Mainly weekly boarding with a few day and full

Oratory1 - that's fantastic and just the sort of advice I am needing. Thanks for taking the time. Are yours at the Oratory?

OP I can’t help with the schools you’ve mentioned, but I wonder if, bearing in mind your own illness, you might not find day school less stressful. It strikes me that it might be a good idea to arrange things so that your sons can be as self sufficient as possible - which would include getting themselves to and from school. Boarding school is pretty arduous for parents! (You may know this already?) Not only will you have masses of kit to buy and preparations to make beforehand, but once there you’ll be obliged to make rather long return trips to pick them up every two or three weeks. And may feel guilty about every sporting event and concert or whatever that you can’t get to.

Also, while I firmly believe boarding is brilliant for the right child, I can’t quite see the point if there isn’t some specific gain - something they want or need that can’t be had locally. (Friends on tap, broadening of horizons, enormous bursaries, etc ...)

What would they like to do?

(Every two or three weeks full boarding. Much more often, obviously, if weekly.)

Gruach - thank you. To be honest it's the other way around, they need to be in boarding school so they don't see the deterioation that will come with my illness, and so that they don't have to leave their schools if I die.

Ballard School in New Milton, no boarding, but bus services that will surely serve Bournemouth, they certainly did when my father was Head!

I have one son at Harrow. Can't praise the pastoral care beeping. They meet 3 times a week which is more than any other school as far as I know. Full boarding and everyone full boards so no one is different. dS2 is going to Harrow in September. He has some pastoral care issues and Harrow have been amazing g in helping me prepare him.
Love the school, the ethos and the parents. Nowhere near as stuck up as I expected. Great place for boys who are happy to work hard, play hard and get involved.

So sorry OP, completely understand how you want the consistency and pastoral care boarding can offer for your sons in your situation. I know people whose chn have been at Charter House recently and enjoyed it, academic but other stuff including arts and sports too, boys till 16 then co ed which is nice, also co ed is Bedales, not so sporty but great pastoral care and well rounded education, also Win Coll - would worry too academic and pushy for your less academic child. Hope others have more info. Good luck with everything.

bottomsup I am so sorry.

Excellent pastoral care is the absolute priority then but also for them to be near enough as Gruach says to be able independently come home. I am pretty sure that they will want to keep close contact with you and what is going on even if they have periods away from you.

For your older son I would recommend focussing on Winchester as a first choice and not worrying about the effect on him of not being at the top. It has a reputation for its pastoral care, is not too far from Bournemouth and sounds as though it would suit him really well.
I think Bradfield is too far away so would otherwise probably suggest Canford if you want nearer flexi/ weekly boarding. KE Southampton is quite academic is n't it? You don't mention your younger DC but I am guessing he is less academic?

I’m not sure King Edwards Southampton play football, but it’s been a long time since ds was there.

At Winchester your DS would be able to come home Sundays as well as exeats Full boarding but still very regular contact due to being less than an hour away.

I can understand your wanting to keep them away from any possible trauma - but, unless you refuse to see them at weekends or during long and frequent holidays, they will see any deterioration in your condition each time they’re home.

I have no direct experience but, from what I’ve seen with people I know, boarding children can be very reluctant to return to school if it means leaving a very sick parent at home. (This may not happen of course - but it can.)

On the other hand, if you have now decided on boarding it does cut down the number of schools to investigate.

Can I just say that I boarded and my mum was very ill at one point. It wasn't so much of a shock for me as both my parents were disabled so had had periods of ill health, but I will never forget the holiday I came home and saw how much my mum had gone downhill. It was much more upsetting for me than my sister who didn't board and had a bit more of a boiling frog experience.

Luckily my mum recovered but if she had died i would have been so upset to think I had missed valuable time with her because i had been away at school. In fact both of my parents ended up dying in their late 50s and I still regret the time we missed when I was away.

I can totally understand why you would want to shield them from this but bear in mind they might not appreciate the shielding.

I hope i haven't been insensitive and if I have then I apologise.

Agree with previous posters, if they do board, weekly contact is the best compromise for them. Less frequent visits home risks that they will find the separation painful and spend their time away feeling mainly worried and sad.

Thank you for your best wishes. It is a sh*t situation.

Charter House - I understand the CE pass mark needs to be 60+ here and I worry my older son with SEN won't get this. I will drop them a line to check their general admissions levels.

Ballard - stops at 16, I would like a school that goes to 18, for consistency. My SEN child won't do the transition well at 16.

Bedales -I have been looking at this school today.

I have a child at Dauntsey's and they love it. You have to pick day or boarding though. No flexi. Easy to go from day to boarding but harder the other way around I think.

It has great pastoral care and very good about kids going home as and when suits the parents. I think it is a good alround school. It hasn't got crazyy fancy facilities though.

I was thinking you could think about day with possibility of boarding later but it is an hour from Bournemouth and not on their bus route probably.

I think Marlborough is too far for you, it is an hour and a half, and really not that nice a drive.

I am sorry to hear of your illness. If I was you I would be looking at somewhere within half an hour that is day but also offers flexi or weekly boarding. I think that would tick most of your boxes. If you are ill you really don't want to drive more than an hour to get a glimpse of your boys and nor would they. School is school but life is more important.

I have kids at different schools. They are all happy but it is a royal pain in the arse.

Best wishes with your choice. I would also say take advice you get on Mumsnet with a pinch of salt. I think it often confused me more than it helped me.

Im so sorry you are unwell it must be very difficult for you and your DS's.
My DS was at Winchester the HM is the most important person in the boys lives he does everything and DS's was amazing,. He too suffered significant bereavements (although not. parent) and he made it very clear that my DS's welfare was his main priority and that he was available 24/7 for my DS.
But if I change my hat and put on my professional one as someone who works worth children including children whose parents are seriously unwell and even die when they are at boarding school I don't want to be unkind but I would urge you to think carefully about sending your DS's to boarding school. I totally understand your desire to shield your DS's from you illness but seeing you deteriorate especially if you are likely to die is part of the acceptance and the grieving process. There is little if any evidence that shielding children from their parents illness/deterioration and possible death is the right thing to do and as *SusanWalker^ has so eloquently said its the tine that they miss with you that may effect them for the rest of the their lives so please think very carefully about this.
Im too am sorry if you think I'm being insensitive but when I read your posts I just want to say "no don't do it" and I'm a great believer in boarding.