Private 11+ or 13+ boarding or day school Southern England please?

[bottomsup2]

Hi there, I hope you lovely people can help me out please? I'm beginning the search for my son's next school. I have some ideas myself and some from the prep school Head, but in my experience Mumsnetters are awesome at coming up with those I may have missed.

We're looking for:
11+ or 13+ school within 1.5 hours of Bournemouth - so Hampshire, Dorset, Surrey, Somerset, East Sussex, or Berkshire.
Boys only or co-ed
Day school if it's within 45 mins of Bournemouth; if it's further away it'll need to be boarding
My son is academically very capable, his first try at CATS here gave him a mean of 138.
He likes sport and likes to be in the school teams, but it doesn't have to be a school known for its sporting prowess. He excels at football so that would be a sport that the school would need to offer.

I think HappyGardening has it right. If your DC see you every day then any deterioration will be so gradual that they will adjust as they go. If they board it will become increasingly upsetting for them to come home and see a change in you. And if you're very unwell they really won't want to leave you and go back to school. Should the worst happen they will want to feel that they spent as much time as possible with you. A good day school with a school bus that saves you needing to drive seems like a good solution to me. Being around Mum will seem so much more important than being at the very 'best' school. I would look for a local independent (or state) school with a good reputation and strong pastoral care should your DC need some extra attention and support. I wish you all the best - what a difficult situation.

Do you have any good local boarding schools. DS is a day boy at a boarding school 15 minutes away which gives us best of both worlds and total flexibility. He can be at home and a day boy at the time when that fits best but has the support of house and housemaster that a boarding school gives and options to board if that suits. Two of his year are in a similar position to you and have been provided with good care and support. I recognise that option may not be available to you though

Hi and thanks for your replies.
There are two day schools with boarding that I would like my eldest with SEN to go to. That would be the best of both worlds.
BUT they might not take my eldest with SEN.
Another BUT - they are not academic. My youngest needs an academic school. His closest option is a fab day school.
BUT there’s another but!
I hear your comments about boarding, but I am a single parent. Their father lives three hours away. If I die I do not want him having to wrench the kids away from all their friends at day school to put them in another day School near him. I would rather they could just go boarding at their existing school.
Hence my need for a boarding option.
Complicated huh? And a situation I would bet a lot of money you guys don’t find yourselves in, so please be gentle with your replies

So sorry you are having to make such a difficult decision and I understand the boarding wish. The two DC mentioned above have now switched to boarding after being supported through a parents death as day pupils.

You said your second doesn't like to be beaten - would he be ok going to the non academic local option and being top of the tree ?. DS school is not academic but a small handful of bright children do well. They are well supported - but do have to be self motivated as well.

PS just in case anyone was wondering I have no links to the Oratory school - may be I should name change to avoid that connection

I think a more flexi boarding/weekly boarding option would be better.
At Winchester the boys are allowed out of school on Sunday but the time varies according to when they have to attend chapel (least it did when DS was there) so some Sundays they don't get out till nearly midday and have to be back by 9 pm. I don't know how long you would have to travel to pick them up or if there are good public transport links to you but we had a longish journey basically just of a 3 hour round trip so 6 hours driving on a Sunday (when we were tired from work) and no public transport so found it very difficult to get our DS back home on those Sundays.
Secondly sport isn't great (again it wasn't when DS was there) its fine if you enjoy it and want to play at a lowish level but I know at least one boy who left at the end of year 11 and went to another boarding school and said the sport there was in a completely different league to that at Winchester. How competitive it is amongst the boys very much depends on your DS, mine didn't seem to find it competitive at all, having said this he's very much a lone wolf and never discusses his results etc and has no interest inn others either but others found it a fairly pressurised some said they found it very pressurised competitive environment.

Actually - people might be surprised at how many lone parents have to consider and negotiate the what-ifs when they’re looking at boarding/day options. Can be dreadfully awkward where, for instance, a non-resident parent with PR disagrees with a child taking up a hard-won scholarship/bursary boarding place.

But regarding your particular decision OP - I wonder if you might have to accept that one school is never going to be ideal for both boys? (I feel positively evil suggesting this. I’m sorry!) Could you contemplate having them at different schools? Perhaps one boarding, the other not. Or different types of boarding? Might this not, in the end, be the best solution for them?

Although you have the complete unselfishness of a parent looking to the future there are too many ifs; if the worst happens (and it may not be as you fear now), your DSs' father may have to move them from their school in any case to better support them.
I would think of what is best for them and you now. My personal order of priority in a similar situation would be.
Family time spent together (which usually means day options)

Best fit schools including pastoral care and independence of travel for them so that you don't need to drive them

Oratory1 - are you in my region? If so would you post or PM me your child’s day school that does good things with academic children?

Happygardening - thanks for your insights into Win Coll. It is only half an hour away in the winter so could be an option. But the tourist traffic in the summer would make the Sunday night return to Winchester pretty painful. Interesting about the sports, thank you.

**Gruach- “Can be dreadfully awkward where, for instance, a non-resident parent with PR disagrees with a child taking up a hard-won scholarship/bursary boarding place.“

You’ve have hit the nail on the proverbial. Do you have direct experience of this either in a parental or professional role? If so, please tell me how the best way around this is?

Sendsummer “if the worst happens (and it may not be as you fear now)”

It’s not an ‘If’, it’s a ‘when’.

I ask for gentleness - you cannot imagine how painful this situation is. Spend a few minutes trying to imagine it in your family with your children. It’s appalling. So I have to put these elements top of my agenda.

You might like to look at Seaford College, especially if one child has SEN. In West Sussex so in your preferred area.

Excellent pastoral care, flex or full boarding, non selective but getting increasingly academic due to new head about four years ago.

Nobody can imagine even if they have a similar situation or are professionals who help people deal with these situations
Plus there are of course details that are not appropriate for you to share but make differences to the suitability of options that people offer. You may be wanting to prioritise shielding your DSs' from their father for example hence the boarding and that may be what you feel is best for them rather than relying on him making the right decisions for them.

Sorry I’m on Oxfordshire Berkshire border so probably too far away but I think that type of school would work and probably more important than how academic/sporty it is. But only you know what is best - we can only make suggestions

I was an able child and did very well at a good but not great comprehensive. I think given your situation, finding a school with the right pastoral focus, in the right location and with the option to be day now and boarding later is likely to be the best you can do for both sons. I think it will be best for them to be together through this big change. Your academic son will get the chance to shine due to small class sizes and engaged teachers (and that’s probably true of your eldest too!). Look for a school that focuses on the child and their individual needs and it should be right for both of them.

Lots of love to you both.

To you all I mean xx

I'm so sorry that you have a terminal illness and you are selecting a school for your DC that will where they are when you pass. I agree that pastoral care is the #1 consideration.

Back when I was boarding in the 90s the LEA often placed DC whose parents had passed at boarding school. It worked well because there were a few DC in the same situation. The schools with larger endowments still offer this type of help. It's often through the livery companies. Haberdashers still has an active involvement in education. The drapers have wound their down. I don't know of the other livery companies but someone on here might be able to chime in.

I know the haberdasher school in Monmouth is where my friend was able to send her DC when her DH lost both legs. The LEA offered no support but the livery company has been nothing short of amazing. They pay something like £500 a year in fees for both DC and the livery company pay for extracurricular activities including music lessons, school trips and for them to speak to a therapist once a week.

Thank you supermum. The livery school sounds amazing but Monmouth is definitely not on the possible geographical locations! Does anyone know if there are any other of these types of schools in the UK - southern England really - the counties I mentioned in my original post.

OP just to say, so sorry about your illness. I hope you and you're boys find peace in all this.

I am so sorry you are in such a difficult painful situation Bottomsup2. My gut is to keep your boys close as long as you can and that would be my priority. However I understand the boarding idea. I am familiar with 9 or 10 of the schools on your list. Have you visited Canford? Canford jumps out as I think it is on your doorstep, they are pretty academic but not out of reach for an average boy. They have day pupils who can finish by 5.30 pm if they choose (bus service available) or stay longer for prep/activities but they do not have beds available for day pupils. I don't know if they do football. My children are at Bryanston. It has a very different feel to Canford, children have a tutor (mine trust and rely on theirs) as well as a Housemaster. Big campus, dress code rather than uniform but very solid sensible rules. Not a stuffy school. I like that it isn't open to the public. My two love science and sport and are not at all musical or arty. However they enjoy being around creative children and I think the strong arts in the school keeps them rounded and is nourishing for the soul. I am happy to vouch for the pastoral side. I can't give details but I do know the school routinely offers counselling and tremendous support for children who have lost a parent. Day children (I think) are obliged to stay until very late in the evening and all have a bed in the school and are expected to stay in school on whole school weekends (at least one weekend in the month). There is a bus service. I wouldn't recommend a school more than an hour away. Both Canford and Bry are age 13+ entry and co-ed. I hope this is of some help to you. If you do go down the boarding path I would keep the boys together. One of mine is bright and the other is average academically but I think a big school with lots of sets can take both boys.

Have you looked at Bedes in East Sussex. Great for pastoral and SEN, very sport. Traditionally not academic but a growing number going to Oxbridge etc

Sherborne is nice, Canford is more hothousy. Haven't heard a nice word about Canford for a few years now. No football at bryanston. Millfield? Very good for SEN

Walhampton and clayesmore

bottomsup There is Haberdashers Aske in Surrey. It's not a school I'm familiar with so I don't know if this would be a good fit for your DC.