Please help me cope with/assist Yr. 11 revision refuser

[sayhellotothelittlefella]

Aaaaaarggghhh! I cannot take much more of this. My DS has done virtually no GCSE revision to date. He is currently lying on his bed saying he ‘can’t be bothered - it’s effort!’. Up until now he has been watching youtube or playing on computer games so we moved it. He has no phone to distract him either. He does not cope with pressure at all and so is behaving ridiculously badly but pretending he doesn’t care what marks he gets. I’ve booked him in to an expensive maths revision session which he now says he won’t go to. I’ve bought all the study books. DH did a timetable with him. I’ve been nice to him and explained what he could achieve with just a few weeks of hard work. I’ve read him the riot act and told him how stupid he’s being - I’m at a loss as to what else I can do. I am trying to tell myself it’s up to him there’s nothing I can do but I have to keep trying. Nothing seems to motivate him though, so even an attempt at bribery wouldn’t work. It feels as if he is so stubborn he is now deliberately trying to fail just to spite me.
The thing is he is bright, he should get a 7 in maths, with some hard work he could get an 8. His other subjects he does need to put a bit more effort in but still could get 6’s if he worked. At the minute he has done so little he’s risking missing out on passing several subjects.
The atmosphere in the house is toxic, he’s taking out his stress on younger DC. I’m in a bad mood as a result of all the tension and bad behaviour and this is nothing to what it will be like on results day and he hasn’t got very good grades ( we have had previews of this scenario with eoy exams and mocks)
On top of this I have an older DC doing A levels similarly under motivated but at least has just started revising.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom ( or sympathy) please.

turn the wifi off

WiFi being on now makes no difference as he has no devices in his room to use. We have turned it off several times but have other dc who do need WiFi to do work.

Have you asked what he wants to do for 16-18 year education and shown him how he will be limited as to options if he performs poorly?

Ask what he wants to eventually and work backwards from there. If he wants to do a certain profession does it need a degree? If so, what A levels does he need for the degree and thus which GCSEs will he need to do well in to allow him to access those A levels.

Or if it is an apprenticeship he'd like to do what grades GCSE does he need and make sure he realises the minimum he needs to get.

Would he be open to doing some practice papers with mark schemes available so that you can gauge where he really is and it may perhaps shock him into working harder.

I cope by letting them make their own mistakes, find their own path.

What grades does he need for sixth form?

Thank you allthebest I have tried saying something along those lines and explained that if he doesn’t get the grades he needs then it will be someone else deciding what he’s able to do not him being able to choose. I might revisit it with your approach and see if he is receptive to that.
lljkk I have thought that so many times but then the Mum guilt kicks in and I think there must be something I can do. And also it’s not just him failing that is the problem it’s the terrible terrible reactions he has when he does get poor grades. The whole family suffers.

Kingscote he is hoping to go to quite a competitive sixth form and all of his subjects require a 5. I have a feeling that one of them might actually need a 6 in English. Although he would potentially be offered alternative subjects if he doesn’t make the grade. He has decided against maths for exactly the reason that the college demands a 7 ( it was an A ) to take it at A level. However his reaction is to say he doesn’t care, he seems to think he only needs to get 10 marks per paper to pass and that’s good enough.
He has the attitude that it is better to be able to say he failed because he did no work at all than to work hard and get a grade he deserves which might be lower than other people’s. It doesn’t make sense to me

Maybe he doesn't know where to start. Can you sit down with him for an hour, choose a topic and go through, making notes etc with him, then ask him some review q ie model revision techniques. I know they probably did some in school, but you need a lot more motivation and understanding to do it independently.

Hello- this is me. Except my DS is scraping 4s and 5s. So needs a miracle to get good enough grades for A levels... Has no plan B, no interests beyond his girlfriend and the xbox.
I'm now accepting he wouldn't manage A levels anyway- he is too lazy and lacks any motivation. He can't even see that better grades would give him more choices over his next stage.
He was in an accident a few weeks ago so did virtually no revision in Easter holidays. Recovered now but there's no will to do well, to make up for lost time, no ambition, no vision. Just the absolute minimum he can get away with. Oh, and the expectation I will just carry on looking after him even if he makes no effort. Grrrrrr.

I tend to work with students with lower target grades but have organised a lot of GCSE intervention and would agree his behaviour could potentially be a defence mechanism for feeling overwhelmed and not knowing where to start.
I'd start with a more objective subject like science or maths, download some past papers and mark schemes and get him to attempt it and then highlight the areas he needs to revise - this should make it more specific for him. Once he is in this frame of mind he should hopefully be able to apply to other subjects?
Understand it may be difficult to motivate him initially, but once he's engaged he should hopefully run with it. From my personal experience students who were feeling a bit startled liked to have me around when they first started revising (not sitting watching but more in and out of the classroom doing bits and bobs) - I think they found this reassuring. So if you had a relatively quiet communal area this may be a different approach to try? Initially entice him with snacks and try to stay calm (easier said than done....)

Sakurasnail. And perkyduck - brilliant thank you. I suspect you are right - I will definitely try working with him ( once I can get him near enough to a desk). I have said to start with maths and science and that approach worked with his mocks ( although he got no further that those two that time ) I try to offer gentle support but today have just been met with absolute defiance. Surprisingly I am so far remaining calm with him but am really really not inside.
DH went in this evening and managed a couple of pages of a maths paper with him.
UrbiEtorbi yep sounds familiar except no girlfriend here. Also just about scraping 4’s and 5’s but there are options he could do with those grades. However you’re right I can’t see him coping with A levels - but not interested in Btec either. Would that be an option for your DS? A lot of top Uni’s take students with a good btec grade so is almost like a back door in to a degree.

Sometimes it can be a bit confrontational to start with an exam paper and identify areas of concern from there, so maybe revise a topic then answer q on that specifically. Some revision books/websites should partition q by topics. Once a bit more confident then I'd try whole papers to look for gaps in understanding.
Good luck, it can be v frustrating trying to encourage them!

Going through same thing with my ds. I subjected him to 2 hours of my 30yo sister drunken ramblings about how she wished she’d tried harder at school... the next day he agreed to a private tutor who is showing him literally where to start and what to do. Ds has been severely distracted and constantly misbehaving before that. The tutor Has really helped so far.

Thanks for the reply herbal I’ve thought a private tutor might help but financially it would be a stretch particularly as I would then have my A level dc asking where was their private tutor and other dc expecting the same come exam time. I have booked him in to a maths workshop which will hopefully help but I’m not convinced I’ll get him there ( he is refusing point blank to go) or that he’ll engage if he does go. I’m terrified he’ll just misbehave and embarrass himself. Also what subjects would I get it for? He needs help with just about everything except maths now. So glad it seems to be helping with your DS and he is receptive to it.
Sakurasnail ok I’ll try it that way round. I think websites like BBC bitesize also break it down by topic don’t they? Maybe that is a good entry point. Worth a try anyway. However today we are back to the same mantra of saying he is not doing anything and not going to the maths workshop I’ve paid for. At this rate I would not be surprised if it gets to the exam day and he just refuses to go.

What can I do? Maths workshop is in an hour and he’s resolutely refusing to go. These sessions are in high demand and places are limited - he’s taken a space someone else could have used. I’ve paid for it, the teacher is someone who knows our family and has a good opinion of my other DC’s

Oh god, feel for you- teenagers can be so stubborn! What are his reasons for refusing to go? I would be as nice as possible until the point that he's genuinely missed the session- could you pick him up after and get food together or something? So it doesn't seem like the main focus of the day?
From working with teenagers and now having a toddler I see a lot of parallels between the two emotionally speaking - sometimes they do just back themselves into a corner (a bit like when a toddler has a tantrum) to the point that they don't quite know why they are there or how to get back out.

Tell him he’s just there to nick the revision notes and any free pens. And ask him where he wants to go for tea afterwards.

It sounds like he's almost gone into flight mode from the stress- would really push for a collaborative approach if you can. I find RE is always a really good subject for you both to do as it's relatively easy to find the answers for in the book/ online and the questions are quite logical.

So I would make two simple templates for a mind map (one for him and you). Topic in the middle (give yourself something like animal testing and him euthanasia, for example) and around each spikes with definition, arguments for, arguments against, Christian View, Isalmic view (quotation for each). At this stage it's just about getting him into some revision mindset, rather than a complex resource.

Give yourself something like animal testing and your DS euthanasia and then just take your time working round the mind map, can use the internet or textbook. Keep it all relaxed, stay near him, have a snack bowl... if he's getting on with it then maybe make a comment 'wow I didn't realise Switzerland had a euthanasia clinic' and try to engage in discussion (this is why I think RE is good as it's quite juicy!)

(oh and also the Christian/ Isalmic view is just what the school I've worked in chose to study, your DS might have different religions- sorry!)

I agree with posters saying it's probably a sign he;s overwhelmed. When he says it's effort, agree with him. It is. And no ot's not fun, you can agree with that too. But ask him to make a start with your help and ask him after a session whether he feels better for having done it or worse. If he feels better, he'll feel better after a second session too.

Maybe start with a subject he finds relatively easy and then choose a single topic from a subject he finds hard. Chat over dinner in the evenings about what he's learned each day. Ask him to explain stuff and be very sympathetic about how dull it is, hard work it is - as sympathetic as anyone can be. But that doesn't mean he doesn't do it.

I've been treating DS a bit - making his favourite food, letting him off chores. If they feel a bit special and privileged due to the extra pressure, they can get a bit motivated. But most important of all is showing them how to break it down into small, manageable chunks and to make a start each day.

Perkyduck you’ve hit the nail in the head. He is the very epitome of backing himself into a corner through sheer stubbornness and I’m not the best at dealing with those situations. I’ve used your brilliant idea and said we’ll get pizza afterwards. He’s is still refusing but I have left the space for him to change his mind without losing face ( hopefully)
I can definitely see the flight mode reaction in him. He has never really coped very well in situations that made him feel anxious.
Kingscote brilliant! to a bit of petty theft
Anyway we need to leave in 15 minutes - I just took him his lunch and he was putting his shoes on - fingers crossed

Tell him that if they have those sweets in bowls on the table, he is to pinch some for you.

My best friends DS was like this. She did everything she could think of to get him to work.

In the end his father sat him down with the local paper. Ring fenced apartments and jobs that would be suitable for someone without qualifications. Took him to see one or two of the apartments. Explained, firmly and calmly that if DS was out of school, he was then considered an adult and would have to work and pay his own way. Under no circumstances would they support a lazy adult refusing to work and that he would not continue to live the lifestyle they had as a result of their hard work. It did the trick.

MinaPaws I will let him off chores and try to make him feel special - good idea - but at the minute we’re not at the stage where he’s even making a start so there is nothing to ask or chat about over dinner. I will attempt to go through something with him later but as of yet he will not do a thing.

Yay! He went to maths - not sure how he’ll get on but the battle was to get him there. Thank you perky for your excellent advice it worked. Am awaiting my sweets kingscote Wheresthebeach that sounds like something that might get through to him even if he does give it the ‘I don’t care’ attitude. The only problem is the example they see is totally the opposite - DH and I are not a good example of hard work pays off. I was very academic and got excellent exam results and went to a good university studying a very challenging subject but then married young and am now a sahm whereas DH was very like this particular DS and did no work and actually didn’t bother turning up to a couple of his O levels ( the reasoning behind my concern that DS might do the same ) but then went to university a few years late and is now very successful earning a very high wage as md of a company. The problem is he does want to do well he just doesn’t want to/know how to do the work to get there.
Hopefully today might be a break through and I can sit down with him as many of you have suggested pick a topic and maybe get him started.
( not likely but we can always hope )