Please help me cope with/assist Yr. 11 revision refuser

[sayhellotothelittlefella]

Aaaaaarggghhh! I cannot take much more of this. My DS has done virtually no GCSE revision to date. He is currently lying on his bed saying he ‘can’t be bothered - it’s effort!’. Up until now he has been watching youtube or playing on computer games so we moved it. He has no phone to distract him either. He does not cope with pressure at all and so is behaving ridiculously badly but pretending he doesn’t care what marks he gets. I’ve booked him in to an expensive maths revision session which he now says he won’t go to. I’ve bought all the study books. DH did a timetable with him. I’ve been nice to him and explained what he could achieve with just a few weeks of hard work. I’ve read him the riot act and told him how stupid he’s being - I’m at a loss as to what else I can do. I am trying to tell myself it’s up to him there’s nothing I can do but I have to keep trying. Nothing seems to motivate him though, so even an attempt at bribery wouldn’t work. It feels as if he is so stubborn he is now deliberately trying to fail just to spite me.
The thing is he is bright, he should get a 7 in maths, with some hard work he could get an 8. His other subjects he does need to put a bit more effort in but still could get 6’s if he worked. At the minute he has done so little he’s risking missing out on passing several subjects.
The atmosphere in the house is toxic, he’s taking out his stress on younger DC. I’m in a bad mood as a result of all the tension and bad behaviour and this is nothing to what it will be like on results day and he hasn’t got very good grades ( we have had previews of this scenario with eoy exams and mocks)
On top of this I have an older DC doing A levels similarly under motivated but at least has just started revising.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom ( or sympathy) please.

Well done. You are officially an excellent mother!

Poor you. Teenagers are a bloody nightmare half the time - give me toddlers any day. I'm not convinced there's much you can do TBH. My sympathies.

@sayhello This sounds like me by the time I got to my A Levels. I messed around because I was so scared I would fail that I would rather be able to truthfully say that I didn't try my hardest if I didn't get the grades I wanted. I don't really have any better advice than what anyone else has provided, except try to use a nurturing, supportive approach to help your son get organised and focus as much as he can. I agree discussing the potential limitations could be useful, but this could also add more pressure so if I were you I'd try and focus on working out what he likes and wants to do, and focusing on that.

Well done on getting him to the maths session. It is so hard for the parent to continually encourage, support and cajole for nothing, but you've had a bit a result here.
May it give you strength to carry on!!! It's all soooooo frustrating. Like you, I was successful at school/ uni. I assumed with support my DCs would be too.
I've been researching Cambridge Technicals as plan B for my DS. Obvs he doesn't look into things himself.... They're like BTecs from a different exam board and have lower entry grades than A Levels.

Felicitycity yep! I preferred the toddler years. Parenting wins were a lot easier.
Kingscote I don’t feel like it and I’m genuinely not fishing for compliments I am very aware of my weaknesses as a Mum. Something I’m working on. That was one of the reasons I posted for advice as I know if I’d handled it how I might have done in the past then he really would have dug his heels in. I think I’m reaping my previous mistakes with him now.
@LP17 yes I am convinced that’s it. He is so afraid to fail that he won’t even try ( aren’t those Dido song lyrics??) anyway I will keep biting my tongue and make a real effort to just be supportive. I see your point about highlighting limitations just adding to the pressure. He is brilliant if someone else is under pressure to offer a solution and help out but doesn’t seem to cope if it’s himself

Yes UrbiEtOrbi i am pleased with this little result. It gives a chink of hope and also means that we have avoided a possible confrontation which I am most relieved about. I will look at Cambridge technicals as an option. Not sure that the Btecs on offer at his sixth form really suit him if that’s how it ends up. Hope all goes well with your DS. My DM always says ‘ there’s a place in the world for everyone’ - but it’s the journey there that’s bothering me atm

@sayhello totally agree and yes they probably are song lyrics. I luckily have very supportive parents who helped me to make a timetable and take a break regularly. In the end I did well and got the grades I needed to go to the university I wanted to. He's lucky to have parents who are so desperate to support him. It sounds as though a hard-line approach would have the opposite of the desired effect.

Same problem with my ds - to boot, he is a school refuser and it's all a mess.

Don't know what to suggest, but I do understand

Ah...well maybe like your DH a few years out will be just what he needs to learn to focus and to get an idea of what he wants to do. Stressful for you tho'

Yay! Glad he went in, well done you! A huge glass of wine later. Agree that toddlers are far easier in many ways- somehow I don't think my fail safe strategy promising a mini milk and Topsy and Tim would work on your DS (always worth a try though?!)

OP, I like your DM's sage words. I have always thought there's someone in the world for everyone, but I think i'll extend the idea to there being a place in the world for everyone...
It's easier for me to accept my son isn't particularly academic, than to accept he is lazy and lacking grit. I'm not sure what place in the world there'll be for him.....

No suggestions other than to sympathise and say I totally agree with the toddler years being easier! I also have a Year 11 DS. He has just started working in the last 2 weeks after telling me he had not go a clue how to revise (or inclination apparently as it was something he had never attempted to do until now despite relentless "talks" from me). I print off past papers for him and make him do them. Then we go over them. It is hard! Roll on middle of June ...

Oh and yesterday DS informed me he's not doing Maths and Further Maths A levels anymore as they require and A and A (which he is capable of), and having reviewed the 6th Form course guide he is doing Economics instead, as that only requires a C in Maths. OP*, you are not alone!

This was my DD until about a week ago, when 'the fear' at last kicked in! She desperately wants to do well, and has to get certain grades for 6th form, but was doing nothing. I think she was so overwhelmed by the sheer scale of the job that it was easier not to try, rather than work hard and to not to succeed.
She has a tutor for one subject, who thankfully said to her last week that unless she pulled her socks up and did some revision, that her sixth form place was a pipe dream!
We have been saying this for ages, but the fact this came from a non-family member was key I think. She is now revising each and every day. Up until this point she had never really revised for anything and had got by with the bare minimum but still done OK. Massive turning point. Don't give up hope. Little by little, break it all down. Looking at the whole task is too daunting.

No answers I'm afraid - depressed, anxious and school refusing DD done nothing over the Easter break. Doesn't seem bothered and am trying to keep patient and positive but it is way easier to deal with toddlers. Sympathy from me OP

to everyone going through the same and thank you for the messages from people saying things have improved for them - it gives me hope. Thankfully DS is not a school refuser, quite the opposite, he has a real pride in his 100% attendance but when he’s there he doesn’t work or even engage - except in PE!
I took the advice from pp and got pizza and ice-cream after I picked him up from the maths workshop today and am so relieved he went I have relented and allowed him to play fortnite for a while ( this online game they’re all obsessed with ). He has also accepted my offer of help with history, which is a big win. So far we are seeing small steps of progress. However right at this minute I am enjoying

Join me in cracking open the gin?

I’m really struggling with my DS too, who in turn is struggling with the revision schedule.
His school give them a timetable with 3 pieces of work to be completed every day.
By 6pm yesterday he had done half of one piece.

The only way he works is if there is a carrot dangling, and it has to be every couple of days to keep him going. He can only do the things he wants to do if his revision plan is signed off.

I was close to tears with it all today, as was he, then from nowhere he found it in him to do it so we could go bowling with DS2 this afternoon.

I think a bit of work, a bit of fun, a bit more work etc is the way to go.

And gin. Lots of gin.

NC4Now I was just perusing the special offer gin aisle in the supermarket
(Have been close to tears today also)

Spanish oral tomorrow. Still no sense of urgency here. DS saw his girlfriend Fri and Sat, and was genuinely surprised when I said he shouldn't see her today, the day before the oral exam......

Hope it goes well Gotta. DD spent the weekend muttering about still having to learn another 19 possible conversation topics before Thursday - it may have helped if she was muttering in Spanish!

DS seems to think it went OK... I suspect he just spoke English with a Spanish accent and a winning smile....

I'm trying to convince DD that this may be the best approach. She's bound to be quizzed on one of the conversations she hasn't learnt.

Thankfully Italian speaking was done and dusted a while ago for us. DS says it went well but listening and reading will be a different matter. It’s two weeks until his first exam proper and still no sense of urgency. He does nothing! He seems to think that the revision they are covering in class is all he should be doing and so is delighted to have his evenings free. He doesn’t even go to the after school revision sessions the school runs
He has at last found out what revision books he is supposed to have for history but not showing any signs of using them.
The only thing that I have said that seemed to hit home very briefly was when I explained that because everyone else is working hard ( even if they do say they’re doing nothing) when he gets his 4’s which he says is all he needs - people will think that he also really worked to get them and that was all he could achieve. He didn’t respond with ‘ don’t care’ so I assume I touched a nerve somewhere. Not enough to initiate work though.
Just dreading results day already.