If you have one child at an independent and another at a state school

[Luna9]

How do you manage that? Do you give the child at state school other opportunities so he doesn't feel less.

My Oldest one is going to an independent for year 7; I don't think this school will be the right fit for the youngest one as she is not very academic nor interested in all the extracurricular activities, sports, etc. It is early days for her but at the moment she just want to have fun and says school is boring. I think she will be more suitable for the local comprehensive but don't want her to feel inferior.

Why do you think local comprehensives are more suited to a child who doesn’t like school, finds it boring etc?

In your shoes I would possibly be reversing my decision wrt which child to send to independent school. Your younger sounds in need of more support or bespoke attention.

Anyway, to answer your q, in my family one went private, one Grammar, one comp. All came out with the same qualifications, but lingering traces of resentment remain. Any slight, temporary family friction involving the privately educated one is partially explained by ‘entitlement ‘ ‘oldest golden child ‘ etc. And it may partly be true.

Ah just tell your younger one that she's not as bright as her sister (how old is this poor kids anyway, 7?) so you don't think she's worth the money. She'll understand.

Really OP? There isn't a single private school near you that could give your youngest a decent education?

Is there an alternative school better suited to dc2 interests and strengths, state or private? As long as they do not feel you defaulted to the local one it need not be an issue.

Agree with Rita. Dd would probably benefit from a good independent school more than DS.
The wide choice of sports and extra curicular opportunities may encourage her at school and smaller classes can enhance her learning.
Many years ago I got a 100% scholarship to an independent school on the back of 11 plus results. My brother went to a secondary modern. We have both done fairly well but he would say that i am far more confident and outgoing. Probably not true but i seem to cover it better.

Agree with Ritzy, the younger one sounds more in need of the private school. In short, stop labelling your younger child as less able and offer them the same opportunities the older one will get. Your current plan sets them for a lifetime of resentment.

It sounds like the younger one would probably benefit more from a private education. I don't think there is much point wasting money on a private school for a very bright and motivated child who would do well anywhere. I think there would be some benefits to investing in a child who needs more support and encouragement.

I have this but in reverse. Elder child got into the top performing super selective and the other child didn't so that was the one that went private.

I made sure that the state school educated one went on any school trip that they wanted to go on and offered them the private school option throughout their schooling (which they took at 6th form).

I agree with others that if you're thinking of paying for the more academic one but not the less academic one, you're storing up trouble. I get what you're saying about the younger one not enjoying school or being academic but a child develops so differently from primary school to secondary school and a private school with options might inspire her more. Arguably they might get more out of it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd send both private (the less-academic to a different school if you don't think the other one is suitable).

You cannot “compensate” the comp child by throwing money at them. You have made the decision about where to send DC 1. They probably didn’t ask you to pay £thousands on their education and then have fewer treats and money from you because you are compensation DC2. This will be utterly divisive. It will lead to resentment.

I don’t think you should label your children either. You are obviously ensuring the youngest has fun but what extra could you do to find hobbies, talents and interests? Should you discover more about DC, then you could find a school that meets interests and needs. It sounds like a lot of effort has gone into Dc1 but DC2 will always be second best.

I have one bright DD and one not as bright as the elder one. You really have to treat them the same. We found what made DD2 tick and found a school that supported that. I know plenty of children who are “average” academically but have a Private education and find their niche in life. The schools open up possibilities to them.

DD is at an independent school. It specialises in a particular area she is talented in. She has long days & journeys but she is thriving.

Ds is in a Comp. He did go to an independent school for two years & it was disastrous. He couldn’t handle the academic pressure & the school were unable to accommodate his needs (HFA). We thought about sending him to dd’s School as he is also talented but ultimately we knew that he couldn’t hack the journey & the hours & the fact he’d havevto give up an extra curricular activity.

He is so much happier in the Comp & the teachers there seem to understand his needs better.

I would also add that one of my DC was bored at school when he was around 7 and TBH played up a bit. He was not much interested in extra activities either.
It turned out that he has very high IQ and dyslexia, which was hidden for years because he found ways to work around it. He went to an independent school and although they did not pick up the dyslexia until later, they did inspire him to learn and he took up drama and music with enthusiasm, Interestingly, they have reviewed their dyslexia screening in the light of his experience.

FWIW, I went to a super selective state and my younger sister went private. There's no resentment and we have achieved very similarly, both academically and professionally. Our parents just made sure we were offered the same opportunities in terms of extra curriculars, school trips, holidays, etc. It's not always a foregone conclusion that there will be problems if you send your children to different schools.

I have, for various reasons I am not going to go into. The youngest started state school this year. She was desperate to go to the state school. A term and a half in she wants to go to the private school her sister is at, despite doing really well and having made lots of friends. We are going to see the bursar next week.

Thank you. This is a genuine question so your opinions are helpful.

A bit more info: dd1 didn't get into any of the local state schools due to lots of bulge classes in the area this particular year. They are all good schools and I am sure she would have achieved the same results that she will achieve at the independent; however the independent will nurture her interest better and I think she will be happier there.

Dd2 will have more chance of getting in as the catchment for her primary which is the feeder to the main secondary school went very far that year. She finds school boring because she struggles and has been behind since she started school. She is in the SEN register and has been very well supported at her primary school. I am no sure she will cope with the 11 plus and all the homework. I agree that she should be given the chance and the same opportunities as dd1 to avoid resentment and yes there is a school which could be a better fit for her.

Another reason for the comprehensive was because it has all range of abilities and she does not have to sit an exam to get in.

My eldest is very bright and got into super-selective state schools (but a long way from home) and got a partial scholarship for an academic private school. We sent him to the private school on the basis that it was the best school for him, and he is indeed loving it.

DS2 is in year 6 and is less academic. We are sending him to a less academic private school which is quite a trek from home. He also has a place at the outstanding local secondary which I think in some ways would be a better school for him, he is super-sociable and would love to be able to hang out with local friends after school. But I have decided it's really not on to send older brighter child private then less bright sibling to state school. Feel that he could really resent us for it later on so I am reluctantly turning down the place at the local school.

I would think your youngest needs Private school more
Your dc sound a bit like mine, dd is at a Private Secondary and DS is at Private Primary but will go to school with his sister at 11.
I went to a Private school on a full scholarship and my parents had previously offered to pay for my brother to go when he took the scholarship but wasn’t offered it 2 years before me. He always held it against me and still mentions it over 30 years later

What does your brother hold against you if your parents offered to pay for him to go Hopping?

I went to a state secondary and both my siblings went to private secondary schools. Even though I hated my school, I have never resented my parents' choice, because I know that they would never have sent me there to save money. I knew they loved and treasured me.

My sister is actually the resentful one, because that is her character (and she also hated her private school).

it’s so common here that it doesn’t even raise eyebrows. There are loads of children at our excellent comprehensive with siblings at highly academic private schools. The general feeling being that the comprehensive is better than the less academic private schools and therefore what’s the point in paying and getting a lesser education. I have never ever heard of it being an issue. The children from both kinds of schools mix together socially, do our pf school activities together, it’s a very m/c comp and usually end up at university together so outcomes are very similar.

If the outcomes are so similar I'm amazed people pay for the highly academic private schools Yvest

He’s an arsehole killy mad likes to forget he was offered the opportunity and claim it ruined his life

Well they do, there’s no question that the private school is better, it’s one of the top in the country, but the comprehensive is far better than most of the less selective private schools therefore most people can’t see the point of paying for that. The comprehensive is very very good, almost all children go on to RG unis and many to oxbridge law and medicine. Personally I decided to save my £20k a year and not go down that route but equally I would never pay for a lesser private school for the sake of it - and I say that as someone who went down the prep school route so I do have experience of both sectors.