Independent schools - what are the parental networking, PTAs like?

[issywacky]

I'm really curious (and stressed) as DD is going through the process at a number of indies in the Manchester region (Manchester, Withington, Stockport, Bede's, a lot I know ). I support the PTA at her school and have made lifelong friends through their events.

Without sounding like a pushy parent, what are the parenting communities (e.g. PTAs) like? I hear mixed feedback.....my friends whos DC are in state schools say its non existent and DC really don't want parents interfering like in junior school but I would like to be involved if she gets into an indie, especially as the girls seem to come from different living areas.

Any experiences would be helpful should we need to factor into decision making. Thanks!

Frankly I would not choose a school on the basis of the pta. I don’t know the schools you mention but have they put pta info on their web sites? What do the ptas actually do?

At my DDs school there was a lot of parental involvement and that was a boarding school. Working mums were less likely to be involved but we had lunches, speakers in, quiz night, drinks before Chapel, Christmas shopping fair, annual ball and we always went to theatre and music events where the pta did drinks. Thy did coffees at sports events. Some schools keep parents at arms length so I would see what the web sites say.

The education is what counts and socialising is a long last.

Thanks BubblesBuddy, I suppose what I meant was parental involvement rather than PTA but what I was trying to convey albeit clumsily, was activities to help my DD settle into her new environment if she was successful. Unlike her current friends who will be going to the local high school I wouldn't want her to feel isolated. Also I'd like to be involved with the school too, the activities you've mentioned are what I'm looking to support.

Education is a priority I agree, but I would also hope that social activities would be a factor to consider too, whether you're a working parent or not.

Thanks for your feedback, does anyone else have any views on this?

Sorry. Didn’t mean to sound harsh.

I think you have to see where your DDs talents lie and support accordingly. We never missed a concert or drama. We went to every House supper, every lecture for parents, etc etc and were quite involved with the pta. Sometimes schools have class reps from the parent body and you could volunteer if it’s on offer. I’m not sure it helps with settling in but there are usually opportunities if you want them but don’t forget your DD will need to make friends. You cannot make that happen and it’s not usually parental friendships that dictate friendships in school. (Although I have seen it in a few cases where like minded people are joined at the hip on skiing holidays, the shoot etc).

I’m PTA chair at my DS State Primary. I have been a parent volunteer and seem to spend half my life there !!
My DD used to be there too but is now in yr8 at a local Private School - she walks there herself and It’s unusual if I’m there more then once or twice a term. It’s very different at Secondary and I’m as involved as DD wants me to be ( which isn’t much)

We don't have a PTA group but there is a parent group that organise events plus parent form reps who have gone out of their way to organise activities in the holiday to help the girls all get to know one another. I guess every school is different, my daughter is a day girl at a school where 1/3 are borders so obviously their parents are less involved.
I think secondary school is a bit less full on than junior school, maybe you could find something else outside of school to get involved in and make new friends?

I think secondary is very different from juniors. Kids start to make their own social life and are less reliant on play dates, school events etc. So it’s hard to see why the PTA would be a factor in decision making. Chose the best school for your daughter.

Where mine boarded, the boarding parents were very involved. The day parents dropped off and ran and were always too busy to show up. I never met some and it was a small school and plenty of opportunities to join in. However the day girls joined in less anyway. They went home!

Thanks all for your feedback, BubblesBuddy your pointers weren't harsh at all :). Just to clarify when I say indie I didn't mean boarding schools, I meant private day schools.

I'm thinking as opposed to local high schools, pupils who are at private schools seem to be spread round the region and so you don't get to meet parents nor do the children that go to them seem to have friends that 'live round the corner'. Gosh I do sound a bit involved don't I? . I think I'm anxious as I've never experienced going to a private school.

"pupils who are at private schools seem to be spread round the region and so you don't get to meet parents nor do the children that go to them seem to have friends that 'live round the corner'"

We live in a rural area and DD is at a state comprehensive in the next market town. Most of the students are bussed in from all over the place. Only one of her friends lives "just around the corner".

Parents don't get involved in their children's social lives and I don't know the parents of a lot of people DD is friendly with. It is very hands off by secondary school. I did get friendly with a couple of parents when DD was in year 7, but we don't socialise.

One of my friends has children at an indie school and they go to balls etc. Not my kind of thing at all.

Just to say like Lonicera our 2 Ds go to local rural comprehensive, 10 feeder primaries, 2 in walking distance, rest bussed in. 16 buses every day. Both Ds have large friend groups, only parents we socialise with are ones they are still friends with from primary school. So not many. Apart from parent evenings and odd concert/play or sports event, we never attend any event in school. All fund raising is organised by the pupils, including red nose/comic relief and children in need events. plus they have raised over £10000 for teenage cancer trust in the 7 years we have been involved.
We have friends/family at private schools in Manchester/Hull and Leeds, they seem to live in the PTA and school and coffee meets etc, we know no state school like this at secondary. Most are like ours and above, so why do private schools need PTA and parent involvement so much, Their children are meant to the much bright than your average comprehensive child, yet most state schools cope fine without daily parent interaction, is it that private parents are total control "freaks" who are paying, so need to be in constant control/contact with the school/DC.
By the way our schools rated inadequate by Ofsted and we are still hands off, so if attending a private school, why can't these parents.
Secondary schools events should be for the pupils not parents.

Thanks, seems there is a distinction in parental involvement between state and private from what you both say? That’s quite an achievement with fundraising user

I wouldn’t say control freak?? Maybe it’s perhaps it’s to support and create a ‘family feel’ - I’ve heard those words at open events.

Are there any parents from the schools I’ve listed who could shed a light on parental involvement? I’m not using this as a key factor in decision making but I’m curious.

User maybe that is just your friends choice and they enjoy it? My DC went to state school the PTA were very active and raised lots of money for the school along with some good social events for the parents. Most children lived pretty close to the school so more community to it.
My DC are now at private secondary school, there are very few events and most of those are to do with plays or leavers parties. I work so don’t really socialise with the other mums but they seem like a nice bunch.

sazzy5 Yes when our Dses where at primary school, there was a friends of school association, which raised money, like a PTA. All local primary schools(state) have them, northern county so shit government funding. But no local state secondary's have PTA's, think my boys would die of shame, if mum or dad was that involved.
Don't think it just our friends/family, forgot we have Scottish private school users too, just the same attitude, see BubblesBuddy replies above, and I have read many similar posts from private school users on here.
Seems state parents just let kids and school get on with it, and private schools have to be a "family" or buy into the ethos, I mean class reps for secondary, we have in 8 years we have been involved with Ds school, been in it about 15 times for both of them. 11 of which are parents evenings.
The £10000 was raised totally from children/staff, no parent events, no charity balls etc, just cupcake sales on parent s evening.
secondary schools are the next step on children's path to independence, next is University, apprenceships, work etc, where we parents have no input. Our school would not expect, or actually welcome, the same parent involvement as at primary

Another key reason for the lack of parental involvement is that most secondary age pupils no longer rely on their parents being at the school gate for pick ups & drop offs and their parents can work longer hours. Our state secondary school may have an annual fete run by the Friends and the odd quiz night, but parents are only expected to attend parents evenings. Parents are no longer forced to be friends with the parents of their children's friends, as they make all of their own arrangements for their own social lives, regardless of how geographically dispersed they are. I would never have even considered parental involvement in the school as a factor in selecting a secondary school, whether private or state. Exam results, behaviour, bullying and reported drug use were all far more important, but then again I've always had a career, so I had negligible involvement with other parents from nursery onwards.

I agree with Stickerrocks. this was very true of DD starting secondary school. The hands off part is a bit of a culture shock to start with but it really is normal for parents not to be involved with the school or their children's social lives.

Thank for your feedback, I’m conscious you are sounding dismissive of those wanting to support schools, I am aware and definitely don’t want to dictate or organise my DD social life but I do like the sound of engagement to support school activity through parental engagement like the activities previously mentioned.

I have also said it a minor factor in school selection but something I’m interested in.

If anyone has any feedback from the northern independents I’d really value their thoughts.

I hope I didn't come across as dismissive. I wanted to support DD's secondary school so I became a governor. I was secretary of the PTA at her primary school as well.

When you say northern independents, which ones do you mean? I have friends with children in independents in Wakefield.

Thanks for your reply, I’m probably being sensitive into reading negative so I’m sorry if I sounded off too Lonicera.

I’m looking at feedback from those schools in the Manchester region. I think it’d be nice to hear parents experiences of this ‘family feel’ in independent/ private schools and what it actually means.

My DS's spent 11 + years in the independent sector (admittedly mainly boarding) some parents like me can't stand PTA's etc have no interest in getting involved, manning teddy bear stalls etc (luckily a very uncommon event in the boarding schools my DS attended) and only turn up for social things where attendance is virtually compulsory. Other throw themselves into PTA's and any social activities etc with enthusiasm, cheerfully man stalls and make things for craft fairs and I'm pretty sure receive a very warm welcome from similar parents and school staff. The majority fall between the two camps, they don't want to be on PTA's but will happily attend some social events (providing the price isn't exorbitant) and man the odd stall etc if someone else has organised them.

We have close family friends, maid of honour and bridesmaid at our wedding. They moved to Manchester, for son to attend a Private school. I think it is called Chethams, but it is the school of music, so probably not one your looking at. He is year 9. Both parents retired and they have been shocked at how much parents are involved in school life/activities. From coffee every morning at drop off time to concerts, lunches and dinner parties.
Please don't think we don't support the school, we do with discipline, homework, kids on time and funding trips/study tours and two trips to London to support the rugby team, national champions 2014.
But the kids are now 17 and 15 and mum and dad are sadly slightly embarrassing, only good for lifts and don't speak, especially if girlfriend is in car too. Eldest drives now, so doesn't even need lifts. Next stop university.
Certainly wasn't on our list in choosing school, in fact non of local state secondary schools mention PTA's anyway

I don’t really think the North is much different from the South! What counts is the ethos of the school. My DD2 went to a different school for 6th form and they didn’t invite parents in as much as the first school, but they did do a big art show evening, carol service, school concert/dance, fashion show and plays. The parents also did a quiz night and held a very big shopping fair. (Fur coat seller did a roaring trade!). These provide networking opportunities and give you an opportunity to support your child. This school was about 1 hour from home too and it’s really up to you if you join in or not. We liked joining in and our DDs expected us to turn up. So did their friends! Some didn’t see much of their parents!

You are not in school all the time but if you value the social side, see if the schools you are interested in encourage parents to come along to things. Never sold teddy bears or made anything (no-one did) because in both schools the fair was invited stall holders and mostly goods for women! However maybe this a girls’ school thing? Our ball was wonderful and the 6th form went too with young men they wished to invite plus parents of course. I don’t think many state schools will do this but if you have opportunities to meet other parents, join in and be a class rep, why not if you enjoy it? DH was class rep and enjoyed it!

We are in The North and as I said before I’m as involved as my child wants me to be ( not much)

My ds is at an independent school in south west. In terms of parental involvement, there isnt a PTA. There are parent reps, one for each year. They organise the social side of things, nights out/ coffee meet ups etc.. The school does also provide lots of opportunities for parents to attend things at school, and usually provide coffee cakes and a chance to mingle. I believe there is also a business network group for any parents that own their own business. Oh and a parents prayer group, and the parents tennis club, actually there's quite a bit going on!

Thanks all, good to hear your positive experiences of school engagement, fur coats Bubble?? Omg!! I’m hoping wherever DD goes, my involvement will be as much as she wants me to. Now I know this will sound overly protective but it would be nice to know other parents of the children my DD will be socialising with. I’m not ready in those early years of high school to drop her off somewhere I don’t know or for her to be friendly with children I don’t really know much about. If that makes sense??

issy I got friendly with a couple of parents of DD's friends in year 7, but when they got older it became very much hands off. The other issue is that friendships become much more transient. Girls, especially, fall out with each other, and you really need to leave it up to the school to sort problems out.