Worried about my son starting highschool

[Miracle29]

Hi everyone I'm new here. My son turned 10 in August and he's the youngest in his class he'll be starting highschool in September and will only just be 11. I'm a little worried as he's such a shy quiet boy always has been. He's ok if people approach him but not good at making friends himself. He tends to put his head down around kids he doesn't know. He's so nervous about highschool. The teachers love him in primary school always complementing his manners which is lovely to hear. Another problem the teachers have is if he doesn't understand something he won't ask for help he'd rather struggle then get upset or embarrassed if questioned. He has also been bullied in the past it was awful to see him so upset and scared to tell the teachers. His primary school is only small with 200 pupils and the highschool is over 900. He's not very sporty and does get shouted at by kids in pe sessions for not passing ball or missing the goals ECT and he takes it all to heart. We have visited the highschool and it took him 1 hour to start to explore on his own or join in with the tasks there I understand help be nervous it's a big step maybe I'm more nervous than him I don't know. I'm just not sure how to approach the highschool talk or prepare him. It terrifies me. Anyone with any advice will be much appreciated thankyou.

This is really hard and I will have a similar problem with my DS next september. He is so shy, quiet and an introvert.

Luckily our secondary schools has lots of clubs he is looking forward to, such as maths club, science club, lots of music (orchestras and bands). Is your DS into anything? What does he like doing? That might be a good way for him to meet other kids with similar interests?

They do grow up a lot in the last few months at primary so try not to worry too much.
Do all the children from his school go to the same secondary - if so you may find that there are transfer days in Y6 to help the transition. There will certainly be at least one transition day.
Help your Ds become more independent now - eg make him responsible for packing his school bag each evening ready for the next day, sort his PE kit, packed lunch etc.
Can he/does he walk to/from school on his own?
Can he go to the local shop to get a few bits?
Is he used to going on the bus/train (whatever he will need to get to secondary). Make sure he practices on his own nearer the time.
Has he got a front door key - will he need one - can he use it (my DD was quite small and had problems unlocking the door).
Don't forget the secondary has hundreds of new kids every year. They will be keen to make sure that all are happy and settle quickly. they will have come across all types of children before.

Does he have a friend going to the same school? If so, try and keep in touch with the friend over the summer holiday, just so they don't lose touch. Maybe they could go together on the first day at least?

Thank you do much for your replies I feel much better knowing I'm not alone. He does walk home now from school with a friend but won't walk to school in not sure why though. He likes lego and one thing he said to me awhile 3 back is 2ill I not be able to build lego when I go highschool? I felt awful ad I don't want him grow to quick but don't want him be bullied for his interests the lego he's in to is like character making and cars ect and he puts them on his shelf. The one way I've managed slightly to get him out of his shell is his Xbox he talks to friends on there but there are times kids have been cruel on there as i don't allow violant games and he has a time limit where as some of these kids are on it all night. They do a transition at highschool so mayve I'll feel better after that. He likes the science lab at highschool so looking forward to that. The main worry I have is bullying which I know is everywhere unfortunately but he's not good in confrontation situations and gets so upset and takes everything to heart he always says people dont like him as he doesn't get picked for a partner for pe ECT, I have explained some children are very competitive so will pick the children that like these things and to not take it to heart. He will be walking school with a few kids in the area who are in his class but he doesn't seem to play with them in school he goes to the other quiet one who's not going his school. I'm going to be a nervous wreck come July but I don't want to pass my worries to him. The teachers are all preparing them for sats and he's worried about them so dont want him worry about highschool yet either but at the same time want him prepared before hand. Ill definatly try your advice though by giving him more responsibilities hopefully it'll work thankyou

My dd used to come home and say she was unpopular at primary. Also young in the year. She was very quiet. The cool ones and their hangers on weren't that nice to her and she'd been bullied a bit. Didn't have many friends. She moved to a comp with 1500 kids that most of her year went to and has enjoyed herself and thrived from day one. Her class is nicer and she's integrated well with them and she no longer blends into the woodwork. She's grown in confidence. She's still not one of the cool ones but has now got a lovely big group of similar friends and the cool ones don't give them any grief at all. She comes home happy now. (Year 9) and is in good spirits the last day of a school holiday. Doing well academically. I dreaded secondary and it used to keep me awake at night but it's been such an improvement for her.

That's fab hanging rock so glad she's enjoying school now. It makes me feel so much better hearing these stories

Random thoughts:

Hopefully the new secondary will have good pastoral care, when he starts encourage him to get to know the pastoral person for his year.

These days there are usually 1 or 2 transition days in July for y6s to get to know classmates and their way around the school.

The good thing about moving to secondary is there is more choice of friends, so your DS is more likely to come across kids of similar interests and outlook.

You need to stay positive about it, don't let him pick up on your fears. Exciting new subjects, subject specialist teachers, more choice of friends etc.

But also work this year in the background on some basics like asking for help if needed, conversation starters etc.

My DD2 never made good friends at primary, and was not very confident as she struggles with so much. But since going to secondary (now y8) she has a group of similar friends, and has grown in confidence with lessons.

Thankyou teen times two lovely to hear your dd2 settled. I'm not sure if everyone's primary school is the same but my son's primary school as it's so small only had 1 class's per year so he's been with the same group for 8 years and the only time they mix with other year groups is dinner time. It's so hard to see him so nervous. I'm trying to get him to put his hand up and mix with other people at dinner and he does say hes trying. I just need to put faith in him that he'll be ok he does have a tendency to go off on his own or eat on his own so he doesn't have to approach anyone I think out of fear they'll say no you can't sit here or can't play with us.

Our primary was single form too, going up to a secondary where there are 250 in her year.
He can be a 'new person' at secondary. Everyone will be new and feeling less confident.

Could you find a drama club out of school, or any other club at all where he has to mix with some others? Or a holiday club not based at current school? He could practice approaching people?
"this is fun isn't it?"
"have you seen the new fifa game on xbox"
"what football team do you support"
"have you seen the XXX film yet"
"what's in your lunch"

"the English teacher's a bit strict isn't she"
"do you know where the school bank is"
"which tutor group are you"
"which primary were you at"
"those y11s are big aren't they"
"have you tried the bacon rolls at lunch time"
"what's your tutor like"

That's a really good idea I will try that thankyou. I've tried the whole club thing as there's quite a few in school and out but he's never been interested in doing them. We do take him to places with my partners work friends children and seems ok with them but we have to push him to go and play which seems really mean but if we don't he would just sit there and not move. Once he's joined in he's ok so I'm just hoping and praying he'll be the same at highschool. I'm on the lookout for people in my area who are going the same school or who are already there

The main thing is to try to 'hit the ground running' so's to speak. In the transition days and first couple of weeks everyone will be feeling new and out of place. So if he can make some conversation then (perhaps approaching other people who appear quiet and on their own?) it will be easier than if he waits and then people get in to groups.

I think it really helped my DD that she didn't have firm friends from primary, as she wasn't tempted to stick with them for safety, and the friends she has now are much better suited.

Look around now for what coats & bags the younger boys have, so your DS can feel more confident in having the 'right' stuff as it varies from school to school.

Yes I agree I've told him on his transition days to look around and see if he can say hello to anyone ECT so he'll have a familiar face when he starts properly. I've started looking at bags and coats as theyre quite strict with uniform there so no name brands ECT they have to have plain coats and bags. They have to take coats of on entry to the school which I suppose makes it all easier they we havnt got to go out spending money on top brand things. H3 does have a prom in July so focusing on that too. Feeling so much better now thankyou

It's tough isn't it. I have to say though something seems to happen when kids start senior school, it's as though they grow up incredibly fast within the space of a few weeks. I bet you'll be amazed at the change and independence he shows. Try not to worry.

Thankyou I agree u see so many kids I've seen from been small going up to highschool and seem so grown up

Miracle I was a lot like your ds and so is my ds! I am another one who had a hard time at primary, I was the youngest in the year and a mummy's girl! Didn't know how to deal with the rougher kids at all and just became quite introverted. At high school things were much better, everyone was looking to make friends and I found a load of non-sporty, clever, geeky girls who I got on with brilliantly. Your ds will be fine but if he does have trouble settling then I wouldn't hesitate to raise it with his form tutor, they will have experience of this kind of thing and can help put your ds with similar dcs'. The clubs idea is good too! Your ds sounds really lovely btw

Aww thankyou so much. It is so tough. When I went to the opening evening I just couldn't believe how big it was and daunting and all the kids just seemed so rough but the school itself seemed ok. I think I felt worse because when we came out of the school he seemed terrified and I felt like crying for him seeing him so nervous.

Aw how sad he thinks he won't be able to play with Lego. There's a lunchtime Lego club at our high school and it's really popular. I'm sure he'll find like-minded people.

Really that sounds really good. It is sad but thankfully it hasn't stopped him he had 3 shelves full of figures he collect. I've always told him if he enjoys it then do it. I know teenagers still building lego

My ds is also starting secondary this year so we may well have the same issues to face! One thing that helped ds at primary was really spending time on and developing his extra-curricular interests, I think it really helped build his confidence and I hope that can go someway to making him less of a target for bullies. He is much more confident now than when he started primary, in fact, dh and I were taking about how his whole first year in nursery was spent walking around the playground playing pretend games by himself and how sorry we used to feel for him when we say him all alone. Good luck with your ds Miracle and at least he knows he has a lovely mum at home to support him, I know that helped me get through the tough years.

My ds is in year 7 and I worried about this last year. He is doing very well though. He joined a club every day because he was worried about being on his own and that has really helped. He loves Lego and the school are starting a Lego club this term.

Really feel for you OP. My son is summer born and also very young with it. Not interested in sport at all. Going from a very nurturing small primary environment to a 10 form intake in year 7. He's in year 5 currently and I'm already dreading it. He is left out of so many things but thankfully he's extremely tall so I'm very much hoping the bullies will think twice.

It's hard to know how much to interfere isn't it. Learning how to build a social network, be resilient and handle bullying, they're all going is life skills aren't they.

It won’t help but, bullying is indiscriminate. I was an extrovert, most confident, loud but smart kid in my class. Was fine until age 13...then it began.

So it’s not just the quiet studious ones ... there’s no guarantee. Your son could very well thrive!

Thankyou so now what and good luck with your ds starting school too hope it goes smoothly and he enjoys it.
Elliejjtiny well done to your ds for starting some clubs I really hope my ds started some clubs as it'll be good for his confidence and hell meet more people.
Londonista my ds is tall too and also gets left out alot which breaks my heart when he comes hone and says I didn't get a partner for pe ECT but I've been trying to teach him to take it on the chin and to not let it bother him and it doesn't mean they don't like him.
Lemonyssnicket great name by the way love it. Yes your right. I just hope he enjoys it more than he is at the moment and it's a new confident him. He's so different at home and if he was like that at school I think he'd be ok.

DS is in year 9. At primary he was quiet, nervous, often burst into tears if he couldn't find things, was good at maths and english but quiet. There were only 14 boys in his class including a few strong groups of friends and a few outliers, the outliers stuck out. He went to a big high school and hardly has anything at all to do with the children from his primary school.

His first term was traumatic, getting on the bus, losing his timetable, finding his way round, losing his jacket and PE kit (numerous times), bursting into tears in one class because he forgot his homework. With every new thing, he had a new hurdle to face. His tutor was an angel, kept an eye out for him, had a word with all of his teachers to let them know he was a nervous child and on one occasion emailed me to let me know he was OK when he went to school having no idea what class he was supposed to be in.

He made a few connections in his first few days which he clung to for a while but these were almost all replaced by real friends by January. Sadly at the end of year 7, two out of three of his best friends moved away, I was devastated but he has been fine. He has made new friends, they are a bit like him, a mixture of intellectual levels, he has some friends who play football together, some who he plays with on the XBOX on line, some who play board games when they get together.. some kids have come in and out of his circle but no major dramas that I have been aware of from his side... though I do know some of the other children (girls mostly) have had some challenges..

He has found his tribe, teachers like him and praise him for who he is, which never happened in primary school, he has a range of personalities he seems to show in different classes, from one of the boys who chats and mucks about a bit to completely and utterly engaged. I think all of this is OK, he is trying out his wings and I think his exploration of his social side is an important part of his development which was somewhat restricted in his small primary as there were fewer people to spar with, as it were.

He is happier and quietly confident in himself though still nervous in new situations but altogether, high school has been a good change for him.

It's a massive change for them (and us !) when they go to secondary school. Most do cope very well though. He will not be the only child that is nervous and sensitive, although some are better at hiding it than others.

One thing I would say about it is, when I went to secondary is was a tough environment, teachers were not particularly friendly and there wasn't much support if you had any problems. However at my child's secondary school things are very different and it seems to be the case at other schools as well. It's very much geared up to support individual children, huge amount of pastoral care etc. The teachers are much more open with the kids. It just seems much more about keeping the kids happy, sometimes a little too much and I do sometimes think some of the kids use it to their advantage. I think the kids that need the pastoral care, sometimes don't ask for it though as they are often the shy, nervous ones so just make sure that when your son does start at the school that he is aware of where/who to go to if he needs help or just to talk to someone.

Also, most kids change massively in their first year or two at secondary. That's hard to deal with as a parent but is often necessary for the child to get through.