Please could I have some advice about how to handle this situation

[SwanneeKazoo]

Dd is 17 and is in Yr 13. She is a bright girl, in that she gets As and Bs for her course work, but she completely tanked her AS and end of year exams in Yr 12 - she got two Us and an E. She did revise for them, but clearly not effectively. Her results were a big shock for her and for us and we had many discussions, rows and tears. She felt that we had been too hard on her (although she has very few limitations on what she does, she has a wide circle of friends and socialises and goes to gigs more or less whenever she wants). We agreed to change our behaviour, which effectively means that we must not mention studying, exams, university, the future or suggest that she might have the balance between her social life and school work wrong. She assured us she was perfectly aware that she needed to work hard and that she was doing a lot of work in her free periods at school and at home.

However, nothing seems to have changed. She has an important test the first day she goes back to school after half-term, which will determine one of her predicted grades, but the pattern of her days this holiday runs something like: wake up between 9 - 10am, watch youtube, text, instragram, whatsapp etc for another hour or so on her phone, get up, watch TV until hungry, make breakfast, get ready, back on the phone, do a bit of work (but not every day and she has a video playing on her phone at the same time and is also texting etc. This was something I asked her not to do when she was revising last year, but she said it helped her study), then back to watching youtube, instagramming etc etc full-time until dinner, then same again after dinner until bed, between 10 - 12. On school days she gets back, and straight into tv, youtube etc, with maybe an hours' work slotted in before bed.
Is this typical behaviour? The shock of her results seems to have worn off and she has gone back to her old ways. We have tried to talk with her a couple of times, but it results in rudeness, stroppiness, big sighs of "I know" and point blank no attempt to engage with what we are worried about. Her bedroom is an absolute tip, clothes everywhere but again, there is the stropping about if we mention it.
Reading this back she sounds like a complete spoilt brat with a couple of wet lettuces for parents, but she isn't like that really and we are not walk-overs either! However, we don't know what to do for best. Do we just let her carry on as she is and hope it turns out ok? How do we learn to turn a blind eye and not say anything? Do we need to be more strict? Has anyone been through this same situation and how did it turn out in the end?
Thank you for reading and any tips and advice would be very welcome.

Good post Cherritomato.

Is it possible to step back into Yr 12 at this point? It would be a good option.

“Someone saying to me ‘you clearly need help to focus, what are some things that would help you?’ Would lead me to volunteer maybe turning router off for a couple of hours would help.”

I think this would be the best and ideal way forward to deal with the whole social media thing, at reethood says. It depends how they are.

My second Dc had a fear of failure and would duck out of even trying. I laid down some quite prescriptive rules for a while until she found that the experience of pushing through and working for something was a good feeling in itself and a better feeling than ‘perfection’. And lost her fear. But it took me being very directive and providing extrinsic motivation until she developed it herself.

Depends on tne child.

I really hope she can turn this around, OP.

Maybe letting them go ahead from Yr 12 isn’t always the generous move it seems.

Another sixth form teacher here. I can tell how clever your daughter is, as she’s given you s very intellectual argument which has won you over. If I had a pound for every teenager that tried this on me, I wouldn’t still be teaching. I sympathise and have met many parents in your boat. My 14 year old may end up similar, he has ASD and they’re very hard to motivate but what he does know is that, while I’m paying for his phone, the internet, clothes, pocket money etc that’s not being an adult. Teens can only be treated as practising or training adults. You’re giving her the best bits of still being a child, and none of the worst, ie parents who make you do what’s best for you. If she can’t handle taking responsibility for herself which she clearly can’t, you have to impose a consequence and the only thing you can do at her age is cut off the cash that pays for her lifestyle.

What's the plan if she doesn't get the grades she needs for university? Is your expectation that she will need to get a job, pay rent to you / move out, take on all the responsibilities of being an adult by cleaning, doing her own washing and ironing etc?

I agree that at 17 she's at a difficult age and she needs to be an independent decision maker, but if there is a nice cushy option of staying at home with everything she wants and needs paid for then is there any incentive for her to change her behaviour?

This isn't about pressure, it's about getting her to take responsibility for her future, be that education or something else. It's ok to choose a different path but she needs to own that. The reality of adulting may well come as a huge shock to her!!!

In our house education is a privilege that you earn by working hard. If you choose not to do so, you can leave school and take a job. Being kept whilst dossing around is not an option.

If your dd doesn't want to work, is there really any point in her being at school?