I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this as I really don't know what to do. Apologies for the essay and dodgy punctuation.
Some background on ds. He is normally very happy and outgoing, did well at junior school academically and socially. I have always knows that underneath it all, he can be quite an anxious person; he doesn't like change and in certain unfamiliar social situations I have occasionally seen him completely overwhelmed. Normally though, he handles most things and people confidently. His year 6 teacher did not believe me when I mentioned that he could be anxious, which demonstrates how he normally manages.
Ds started his new secondary school in September. It is a large all boys state school that achieves reasonably well academically. Ds was fairly negative about the school before he even started - the group of friends he wanted to be with from his old school have gone to another local school, which is massively oversubscribed and we had no chance of getting him into. The impression we have of his new school is that it is very boisterous; lots of boys being quite physical with each other - older lads shoving the younger ones in the corridor. Lots of 'play fighting' that often seems to get out of hand. Discipline could be a bit stronger from what I have heard.
From his first day there, ds arrived home in hysterics - beside himself - saying that he hated it, that it 'wasn't the school for him'. He finds it rough and he says he would prefer to be in a mixed school. He says that no one really wants to talk to him. He will often leave for school crying and arrive home crying. He gets anxious about any exams or tests and has spent a lot of time in the nurse's office - too upset to leave.
Dh and I are at a loss. We have never seen ds so upset. He normally approaches things very positively, but he is so overwhelmingly negative about everything. This is in spite of the fact that since being there he has done well in his tests, achieved at sport and has a new friend with the potential to make new ones (he has mentioned a couple of boys he quite likes). He also has two other lads from his old school in his class who he gets on ok with. No one is bullying him, though he certainly isn't popular (probably not helped by the fact that he is so miserable all the time). We can't help but feel that he hasn't really given it a chance.
We have been in close contact with the school - his tutor is great and has made sure that he is sitting next to his new friend in class and has notified the other teachers that he is having problems. The head of year knows too.
My question is how long do we give this before we accept that it isn't working? It is half term and I have just spent all afternoon consoling ds who is hysterically saying he doesn't want to go back. There is another place available at a school further away. It is not as good academically but it is mixed and ds says he thinks he would be happier there. It would mean a bus ride there and back which would make his day much longer. Do we grab the place and just go for it or do we get him to stick it out for a bit longer? The place will probably get snapped up fairly quickly but others may come up in the future.
Is it harsh to tell him that he needs to keep trying and to approach it all with a more positive attitude? He is in such a state of anxiety I am not sure if there is any point saying that.
He keeps saying he won't be anxious at the potential new school because it won't be all boys and he will be able to handle it better. But I'm not so sure. If he goes to this other school and struggles again, what then?