Son yr 7 hates new school

[GoldSpot]

I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this as I really don't know what to do. Apologies for the essay and dodgy punctuation.

Some background on ds. He is normally very happy and outgoing, did well at junior school academically and socially. I have always knows that underneath it all, he can be quite an anxious person; he doesn't like change and in certain unfamiliar social situations I have occasionally seen him completely overwhelmed. Normally though, he handles most things and people confidently. His year 6 teacher did not believe me when I mentioned that he could be anxious, which demonstrates how he normally manages.

Ds started his new secondary school in September. It is a large all boys state school that achieves reasonably well academically. Ds was fairly negative about the school before he even started - the group of friends he wanted to be with from his old school have gone to another local school, which is massively oversubscribed and we had no chance of getting him into. The impression we have of his new school is that it is very boisterous; lots of boys being quite physical with each other - older lads shoving the younger ones in the corridor. Lots of 'play fighting' that often seems to get out of hand. Discipline could be a bit stronger from what I have heard.

From his first day there, ds arrived home in hysterics - beside himself - saying that he hated it, that it 'wasn't the school for him'. He finds it rough and he says he would prefer to be in a mixed school. He says that no one really wants to talk to him. He will often leave for school crying and arrive home crying. He gets anxious about any exams or tests and has spent a lot of time in the nurse's office - too upset to leave.

Dh and I are at a loss. We have never seen ds so upset. He normally approaches things very positively, but he is so overwhelmingly negative about everything. This is in spite of the fact that since being there he has done well in his tests, achieved at sport and has a new friend with the potential to make new ones (he has mentioned a couple of boys he quite likes). He also has two other lads from his old school in his class who he gets on ok with. No one is bullying him, though he certainly isn't popular (probably not helped by the fact that he is so miserable all the time). We can't help but feel that he hasn't really given it a chance.

We have been in close contact with the school - his tutor is great and has made sure that he is sitting next to his new friend in class and has notified the other teachers that he is having problems. The head of year knows too.

My question is how long do we give this before we accept that it isn't working? It is half term and I have just spent all afternoon consoling ds who is hysterically saying he doesn't want to go back. There is another place available at a school further away. It is not as good academically but it is mixed and ds says he thinks he would be happier there. It would mean a bus ride there and back which would make his day much longer. Do we grab the place and just go for it or do we get him to stick it out for a bit longer? The place will probably get snapped up fairly quickly but others may come up in the future.

Is it harsh to tell him that he needs to keep trying and to approach it all with a more positive attitude? He is in such a state of anxiety I am not sure if there is any point saying that.

He keeps saying he won't be anxious at the potential new school because it won't be all boys and he will be able to handle it better. But I'm not so sure. If he goes to this other school and struggles again, what then?

I would move him as its not normal for a child to be that upset for so long, there's something wrong and you've already tried the tutor and it hasn't helped and it doesn't sound like its an amazing school.

I would put schools down in the order you prefer them and move to the best with places available. Explain to the new school how unsettled he was at the old one and see what support they can put in place, maybe ask about that when you visit schools.

If he stays unsettled contact the form tutor. If that fails try the senco, it should fall under emotional needs if unhappiness persists. He may be fine at a different school though it is a big change to secondary. Hope you find a solution.

Thank you Lily - that's great advice.

Move him. Our ds was in a similar situ in yr 7, stuck it out till end of 6th form and we all regret it.

Mchum many sympathies - I think that is what I meant in my pp below that it is always tempting to wait a bit longer to see if it improves a bit, and it may do for a bit but never really does - and then suddenly years have gone by and you wish you'd moved at the beginning. And yes the inertia can even mean you don't change for 6th form and then regret that too!

Still, I suppose you don't know what the counterfactual is - presumably there was something ok about your ds's school, so the new one could theoretically have been worse! (small consolation?)

Op, reading your post again your ds does sound utterly miserable - particularly the bit about spending time in the nurse's room. Many sympathies to you also - it is wrenching to have a child who is unhappy at school. How does he feel about sticking it out for another 6 weeks? Would it maybe be better just to go now? Not trying to 'push' you in either direction, but I think sometimes it can be better to cut your losses quickly (or some such metaphor), so at least don't rule that out if on first Monday of next half term he really seems unhappy to be going back.

My heart breaks for your boy. Grab this other school place now. I would absolutely hate having to go to a school like the one you describe but we expect our young children to put up with it.
At the very best, he may learn to cope but will he thrive there? I doubt it. And at what cost to his fragile esteem and mental health.
Your boy has done his best to manage his anxieties all through his life so far but this is too much for him. Step in now and help him. Sometimes the best and right thing to do is NOT to stick out a hideous situation. Sometimes the best thing to do is to take action.
(You could investigate waiting list for other school where his friends went too.)

I think sometimes we are put off moving by the feeling that you should not run away from a difficult situation - that in life you can't always do that so dc should learn to try to cope.

But there is another way of looking at it - which is that you teach a dc a very valuable lesson if you show them that 'you don't have to stay in an intolerable situation - you have the ability to walk away and improve your life that way.'

On the other hand, there is something to be said for giving it a fair try! Many people hate the first day/week of a new job. Half a term may be enough though - it depends on the individual situation. If the culture is shoving and playfighting that gets out of hand, is that likely to change, or is ds likely to 'adapt' to it (rather than just learn to put up with it)?

Thanks mumble and ok. Yes, it's horrible seeing him like this. I'm getting an application sorted today with the local school that is oversubscribed, so we will basically be on it's waiting list. Then I'll call the school with the vacancy directly on Monday - I'll sound them out about the place. It just comes up on the local authority website as a 'vacancy' so I need to ask them if it is just one place or if there are more. I want to see the school first too. I'm worrying about the bus journey which could be pretty overwhelming in itself, but if the school seeems good, then we'll go for it anyway, if the place is still available.

I had a chat with him last night and told him that we are completely behind him and will do whatever we can do move him if he carries on feeling unhappy. He has agreed to give it a go for the next half term. Obviously, if DH and I like the other school we might go for it sooner - but I don't want to get his hopes up. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Cross posted. Lots to think about.

Whilst you are waiting to change schools you could also try the senco at his current one, he / she may have ideas to help. My son is suspected Aspergers but isn't starting until next year and he hates change in schools, we are anticipating a very unsettled start and have been advised to talk to sencos. Sencos do cover emotional needs, there doesn't have to be any educational needs (mine has none) or diagnosis of anything (mine doesn't have one, just a lot of eccentric behaviour and very emotional at school), they can just help with a child not coping. Having said that from what I've seen at the moment resources seem to be pretty minimal but might be worth a quick chat to make the wait more bearable.

My son is similar and at a very big mixed school- 1200 pupils y7-y11 and he is now in yr8. He was increasingly upset as y7 progressed but couldn't tell us what the problem was so we just thought it was a bit of moaning/a bit hormonal.

Over the summer we got our lovely pleasant boy back and he cried and cried at the thought of going back to school. It's all the physicality, the bad behaviour of others in class and general firefighting from teachers, (outstanding school though so not too dramatic I don't think) the business, the noise etc that upset him although he has a nice group of friends and enjoys the rugby and other sports.

I had a word with him about the possibility of changing schools and that there was no need to be unhappy. Despite being pretty opposed to private school (and not rich) we started investigating other options locally, smaller schools really, and also state boarding schools.

Long story short, I wish I had acted earlier as now he realises I won't leave him miserable and that there are other options he is much more relaxed.

I was utterly miserable for much of my time at secondary school. It got so bad at one point that I thought about killing myself. My parents did what they could but the wasn't another school that I could move to.

If you can get your lad somewhere else then don't hesitate.

I would move him immediately, his reaction is very extreme for his age, and this must be incredibly worrying for you. Even the idea of returning is causing this level of panic is not normal, and he has been there for six weeks already so should have settled by now.

Have you spoken to his form tutor? I wondered what was in place for him, a mentor or a point of contact for him to talk to whilst you are waiting for him to be moved might go a long way to reassuring him, that and telling him you are taking action, he needs to be patient but you are listening and you are doing everything you can, as quickly as you can.

A mixed smaller school sounds like a much better environment for him even if you can't get him a place at the more academic school. He will do well academically in any school where he can feel happy and relaxed, so the emphasis needs to be on his contentment and not chasing the league table results.

Wishing you both the best of luck, and hope you find a place for him soon.

Op can you ring the school today? Very often the schools admin team are there, and might be able to help you. Possibly you could visit tomorrow? It would be a nightmare to miss the one place he could move to.

Just rang the available school - no answer. Have filled in an online application for the oversubscribed school and added another school locally that is also oversubscribed, just in case. Would very much like to find out where we are on their waiting lists. Will keep trying the other school too, but I do want to see it first.

i know 3 children who moved schools in y7 (or start of y8) because they hated the original school. One is much happier. One is reasonably settled at new school, but overall the parents now think it was more the change from primary to secondary that was the problem and that the DC would probably have settled at the original school if they had given it longer. Third child now wants to move back to orginal school!

You need to try and work out if his anxiety is coming as a result of that particular school or as a reaction to the massive change in moving from primary to secondary. He may well have the same feelings in another school if the root cause isn't identified.

I work with children in a residential setting (summer camp in the USA) and each year we have children who really struggle to adapt. It's not the Camp - they all happily admit that they have a great time - but the being away from home, being overwhelmed at noisy mealtimes (500 kids all in one room), being in a different bed, making new friends etc. Those are things that would upset them at any camp, not just mine. We work with the parents to get to the bottom of it. Some go home, some decide to stick it out and from those some come back next summer, some go to a different camp and some never go to camp again.

If it was my child of course I would move him in a flash!!!!

as people have said, it isn't usual for a child to be this upset this far in.

But it is a tricky one as it may seem to him the grass is greener in a smaller mixed school but that might not be the case? It maybe that no secondary school will ever be as lovely as his primary school was (in his eyes)? So while I would be taking him seriously, I wouldn't want to rush into any decision - certainly not this side of Christmas?

It sounds like the current school are working hard to help him settle - I think I would really get that dialogue going. Maybe weekly meetings? Do everything you can to resolve it. Encourage him to invite new friends over/meet them outside school? Encourage him to try clubs you think he'll like? Make sure he stays in touch with other primary school friends - it's very unlikely that they all completely love their new schools with no reservation and that may help him get things in perspective?

If after everything you've tried he still is upset and unsettled at Christmas then I would move him. new start for a new year?

FWIW I have a ds who sounds quite similar to yours - at primary school everyone always thought he was super confident, but he can be anxious and sensitive and he did find year 7 difficult. Year 8 has somehow been easier - he has made some new friends and discovered that he can play rugby! It's a tricky business this - hope it all works out for your ds.

Thanks for the advice everyone, it's really helpful to hear other opinions.

jennawade - thank you. He will be going back for the time being - certainly until we have assessed the situation with other schools. But as you say - very close communication with his tutor and student support is going to be necessary. A weekly meeting is a good suggestion. He does some lunch time clubs and is keen to get involved with rugby but the after school clubs are too much for him at the moment - he can't summon the will to stay there any longer than he has to!

I'd take him seriously. But the school further away may not be the answer.

Can you contact the over-subscribed school his friends went to and ask to go on their waiting list? And ask what their waiting list policy is (some schools have a first come first served each day policy, unbelievably, so that if someone has announced they're moving away from the area then the first caller of the day gets the place.)

Even by half term of Yr 7 there may be space at the oversubscribed school as most people will have settled elsewhere.

I have been in the situation of having a child very unhappy at school. The whole family was brought down by it.

The fact that he is in tears each day over it shows the depth of his fear and unhappiness. You must move him. He has identified that he wants to be at a mixed school and I think you should go with this. It is a sensible decision of his.

One thing is for sure - he cannot continue to be in this degree of distress. He needs to know that you are there for him and will listen, as I am sure you are. You are his only defence in a situation that he cannot handle.

School is a funny thing - we are so used to it being the place that children spend their childhoods, but need to remember that it is essentially an artificial environment and some children will not take to it as well as others.

Poor chap - and poor you. It is no fun to witness. I feel for you all.

Tbh I would take it very Serioulsy and would keep a very close eye on him.
It's not just a bit if anxiety coming starting a new school etc... what you are describing is running much deeper.
I understand why you would want to tell him to wait until Christmas.
I understand why you want to have a look at the other school first.
But I really wouldn't let it go on for too long as I would be worried about his MH TBH.

Of course, if he is getting over it, it would be such a fantastic learning experience wouldn't it?
The problem with that is that it's a bit like charcoal. If you put it under huge pressure and heat, it will become a diamond. Not always though. Sometimes, you just crush it and reduce to smoke instead....

My DS1 really struggled with transition, it was very hard to see him getting himself worked up every morning before school. I spoke with student services and they said they had received many calls from concerned parents, they spoke to DS1 explained that he could see them if he was worried about anything at all. It totally changed his outlook, he is now 16, and at college, having passed his GCSEs at his original school. Try not to worry OP if the school don’t take his worries seriously, move DS. to you I know how tough it is.

just one more thought - the consensus seems to be that your son's reaction is out of the ordinary.

I've had people say this about my kids' reactions to conflict situations too. I can see why people think that -but it really is that they both wear their hearts on their sleeves and are more emotional than most of their peers. While I take my parenting responsibilities seriously and am always aware they might tend towards mental health issues more than normal, I always try to adopt a measured approach. I have successfully worked with the pastoral team at ds's school to help him settle in.

OP - the very best of luck. It does sound like you have an unhappy boy. The fact that you are taking him seriously and working to find a long term solution that works for him will already be of great comfort to him.

That is an interesting point Jenna - i sort of agree, in that some people do treat pre teen/teen crying in public as 'pathological', 'not normal', and weird - when in fact it is just the way some people physiologically react to unhappiness/frustration/anger. They don't understand that some people are just 'cryers' , and nothing wrong with that.

Is the difference though here the extent of it, and the fact that it is unusual for ds? The fact that he is spending a lot of time in the nurse's office does suggest that it's quite extreme.

Op, good luck with your and ds's decision. Your ds is lucky to have you and your dh supporting him like this (though doubt that he feels lucky at this precise moment, and I'm not suggesting that he should!).

Definitely get on the waiting list for the school where most of his friends went.

It sounds like he and the school aren't a good fit. I think you have to seriously look to move him. No one should have to be completely and utterly miserable at school if they don't have to be.