Child who doesn't excel at anything with low self confidence

[Storminateacup74]

My dd is in year 7 and unfortunately doesn't have a particular talent and doesn't excel in anything. She isn't sporty or musical she can't draw or paint. So basically she is like me and crap at everything. She so enjoys dance and drama and did well in the choir at primary and goes to ballroom dancing. So I have been encouraging this as she enjoys it. She was so enjoying the idea of being able to go to drama club and choir at her new school but has failed the auditions and told she isn't good enough so needs to join art or cookery club as anyone can do those. Her self confidence is at zero anyway coz she knows she doesn't have anything special she can do. All her friendship group unfortunately have something they are good at but she doesn't. To make it worse all her friends new and old at her new school got into the club's so she will have to walk home alone.

Is this the way to treat year 7's who are just settling in to school? Shouldn't everyone be given a chance. She says the teacher said to her "sorry you are not good enough you will have to do art or cooking".

I chose this school over the other comp because of their strictness but she has been to made feel that unless you excel you are worthless which is how I felt my whole childhood. Every child was better than me at everything. As an adult I have realised you can still be happy without a special talent but as a child everything is so competitive and only those children who do excel Are classed as worthy. Are schools really this mean and only want the best children in their extra cirricular clubs or should everyone be given a chance?

I think it's fine to have an auditioned choir, but it would be good if they also had a choir which was open to all. Likewise, they will need to audition for the school play, but ideally they'd also have a general drama club open to all. However, in the real world, secondary school extra-curricular clubs are usually run voluntarily by teachers.

I suggest your DD joins Scouts or Guides. Open to all, and plenty of opportunities for every child to shine if they put the effort in.

DD (good at art but not hugely confident, not academic, not sporty, only averagely musical) is in Guides and was selected to represent her county on an international camp this summer. She raised the money herself, had a great time and came back a lot more confident.

Your daughter is still very young and so maybe it's a case of she hasn't 'found' what she could potentially be good at.
Also, I don't want you to take it the wrong way, but maybe she's got zero confidence too because your lack of self belief may be rubbing off on her.

I think thats quote cruel.

Dd goes to a huge school. Its very strict and high achieving. Anyone can join choir or drama. You may not get solos or main parts, but you would not be turned away from the group. If its your interest, its your interest. Going to the club would probably give you practise to get better.

I would not be happy with this.

I do also agree that its obvious you lack confidence. It could be impacting her.

I have no outstanding talent in anyone area. I still have confidence and have a good job and good life. Not everyone has a huge talent in any one area.

So basically she is like me and crap at everything.

Gosh! How long have you felt like that? It's very likely that your DD is aware of this attitude. If you grew up feeling like that your whole childhood, you need to do everything you can to help your DD not feel like that. I'm sorry but your OP sounds like she's encountering that at home and not just at school.

All her friendship group unfortunately have something they are good at but she doesn't.

Your poor DD. I'm sure she is good at something, even if it's on a more interpersonal level rather than something measurable like drama or sport.

My DS was like this. Because of his lack of confidence he would not try out for anything. He was going to be moved into a mixed PE class away from his sporty friends and was refusing to go. I spoke to the teacher who agreed to give him a chance and nurtured him. He is now doing GCSE PE. Could your daughter join a non audition choir or theatre group outside of school?

You need to look for those clubs outside of school. There are kids stage school type clubs where she can act and sing.

I don't think school clubs should be audition only, especially in year 7. I'd politely discuss this with the school and ask them to explain their thinking. Sure, for competitions or major public performances you'd expect there to be some sort of selective process, but just for a club? I don't think that's appropriate or fair at all.

So basically she is like me and crap at everything.

What chica said about this. I suggest you find something, anything you enjoy and are good at - she'll pick up on it very quickly.

As for DD, I think guides is a good shout, or something like karate. Hugely confidence building.

Wow, that's a very young age to consider yourself, or to be considered by your mother, as 'crap at everything'. You need to look beyond what's available in school to extend her interests. She might end up enjoying (doesn't have to 'excel' at):
Cycling
Martial arts (everyone starts at the beginning, whatever age)
Looking after animals
Kayaking
Photography
Baking
Anything! Not everyone is talented in a school subject.

There will probably be an out of school choir or drama group she can join in your local area, you could look into that. Or if she really wants to join a school.group she could do cooking or art, that might be where her talent lies.

As an adult now I realise you don't have to have a talent to be happy but as a child I felt totally worthless. I thought things were a bit different now. At primary she was so desperate to get the excellence award and she tried so hard to get it but never did. Her parents evenings are always full of praise and everyone says she is a lovely girl. She has an autistic brother so life can be tough for her at home. I just feel so sorry for her she just wants some recognition for being her and have a chance to do something she really loves!!!

My y8 DD is a bit like this.

The difference however is that Primary and Secondary have both been really good at building up her confidence. e.g. She is really quite poor at Art, but the art teacher gives her 'credits' for trying and for being helpful, so she loves art lessons. The school musical is open to all - if you audition you will get a part in the chorus or something. Parents evening last term was a delight, all the teachers kept saying how hard she was trying and how she was improving.

If school continues like this I would definitely consider moving her if you can find one with a more inclusive caring ethos. There is always a bit of chopping and changing. If open evenings are still going on, maybe pop out quietly to some other local schools and judge them again?

Try to find something out of school. e.g. ice skating can be good, as if you can get her confident enough to get on the ice and skate then that will be something she know she can do.

When my DD finally did cooking in the summer term, we found she was quite good at that, so that is something we are encouraging and that is also doing wonders for her self confidence.

You need to keep looking (and consider moving schools if they continue to be a reward the best only school).

What a strange attitude. Why would she have to excel at something to be happy at school? What does she enjoy doing? Please don't describe yourself as being 'crap at everything' in front of your daughter, or at all.

No, all schools are not that mean. Ours (also a state comp) has a very decent range of drama and music groups which are open to all comers. There are also one or two which are by invitation only, so that those who really excel can work at a higher level. So they cater for all standards and I absolutely can't conceive of any child in year 7 being told they weren't "good enough".

It sounds like you have a school where results are taking precedence over nuturing the children and encouraging them to find their "thing".

I really hope you can find something more accepting for her outside school. Sounds like she might need it.

I'd be really disappointed in a school who didn't let kids join the choir of they want to, and there should be a place in the crowd scenes in a play for anyone who wants it. We have had upwards of 50 kids in crowd scenes in our plays before, because we don't want to turn anyone away.

In my school and my dd's school, the junior choir is open to anyone, and the senior choir is from year 10 upwards and audition only. That's a much more inclusive easy to behave and stops any child feeling like they're not good at anything.

She just loves the creative arts drama dance etc but she isn't brilliant and now feels that she isn't good at that either as she knows she isn't good at sport as at primary she never got picked for any sports clubs. I have never shown her how I feel as I would say now I am pretty confident but she has worked out for herself that you only credit from others of you are good at something.

Tbf my dd wasnt great at sport at primary. She took up a sporty hobby at 11. Went to secondary and now excels at sport.

i'd encourage dd to join art or cookery clubs (or both!) anyway - they could be fun, and she may meet some nice new friends that way. Will carry on in next post.....

wow what a way to talk about your child, and yourself. I expect she's internalised your attitude towards you both. for example, there is no such thing as "can't" when it comes to art. it's a mindset and practice.

I hope my mum didn't think the same about me when I was so young.

Cooking was easy to take as my thing, tv, Internet and supermarkets full of free recipes teamed with supportive parents. And now it's even easier to get a cake decorating class or sushi making for kids get really excited about it with her if that's her new class.

Brownies is a great idea too there's a whole bunch of kids going to that.

You chose a school that supports high achievement so you'll have to expect competition and a focus on the best excelling.
In school let her do cookery. Don't tell her she's no good at anything teach her to be the very best she can be at one or two things.
If she can sing get her private singing lessons and have her re audition- don't give up on her for one setback. Find a sport she is good at and give her the opportunity to excel rather than expecting her not to. Lots of sports are new at secondary level so she'd be startat same level as anyone else. Try less mainstream sports - fencing, shooting, trampolining, badminton.
Let her start an instrument- choose an easier one not violin or piano and if you go for a shortage instrument the orchestra will be begging her to join soon enough. Try bassoon, cor anglais, oboe, saxophone.
Get her to Stagecoach or local youth theatre.

I've just starting taking me son to sea cadets for the same reason.i have found that most of the children who have joined are v similarandnlooking for something to get their teeth in. It half boys and half girls.i would really recommend it

I think the level of inclusivity does vary from school to school - in some cases it does turn out that the clubs/groups aren't actually available to everyone once you get there... other schools are more musically inclusive, and have a 'top level' choir and orchestra, and then a much more open one for others.

Like other pp I'd also encourage out of school activities (as well as school art and cookery) - scouts/guides is one possibility, and totally agree with the pp who said martial arts. It really does boost self confidence. But as your dd is into drama etc, could you look into an out of school drama group?

That's terrible - both schools ds has gone too allow anyone who auditions to be in the school show however there is a current thread on a drama teacher forum about what to do about 180 kids auditioning (for h & s reasons only 80 can fit on stage)

I would be concerned about the ethos if the school. Can you find her a drama group out of school ?