Child who doesn't excel at anything with low self confidence

[Storminateacup74]

My dd is in year 7 and unfortunately doesn't have a particular talent and doesn't excel in anything. She isn't sporty or musical she can't draw or paint. So basically she is like me and crap at everything. She so enjoys dance and drama and did well in the choir at primary and goes to ballroom dancing. So I have been encouraging this as she enjoys it. She was so enjoying the idea of being able to go to drama club and choir at her new school but has failed the auditions and told she isn't good enough so needs to join art or cookery club as anyone can do those. Her self confidence is at zero anyway coz she knows she doesn't have anything special she can do. All her friendship group unfortunately have something they are good at but she doesn't. To make it worse all her friends new and old at her new school got into the club's so she will have to walk home alone.

Is this the way to treat year 7's who are just settling in to school? Shouldn't everyone be given a chance. She says the teacher said to her "sorry you are not good enough you will have to do art or cooking".

I chose this school over the other comp because of their strictness but she has been to made feel that unless you excel you are worthless which is how I felt my whole childhood. Every child was better than me at everything. As an adult I have realised you can still be happy without a special talent but as a child everything is so competitive and only those children who do excel Are classed as worthy. Are schools really this mean and only want the best children in their extra cirricular clubs or should everyone be given a chance?

My DS's previous school was like this - no sports activities available unless you were 'in the team'. It's rubbish.

Another one for let her join a marshal art club, or gymnastics or scouts etc out of school.

In year 8 she can join Air cadets maybe look into that or the local scouts.

Don't let her know that you think you were rubbish at everything. Try different things out of school until you find something else she likes.

It is terrible and dd was like this. Didn't get into school choir so became a Chorister at church. Only just. Hopeless at PE, her instrument, art, very shy.

She kept up her drama. She took up flute again in yr 8 and her voice was developing so she started voice too.

At primary she just scraped onto top table or was on 2nd table. At secondary she was bright but never top her head teacher actually told me she was a pleasant but unremarkable child.

She came into her own in 6th form. Grade 8 distinction for voice and 3 A*s at A'Level.

That unremarkable child was supported at home and never ever told she was hopeless although she thought it. She went to a fantastic 6th form that worked with her not against her.

At DD's school they reward effort over achievement.

DD was decidedly average in year 7 but began to excel as she got older. She became really good at art, and did very well in her GCSEs.

It took time and maturity - and effort.

OhTheRoses

year 7 is so young! Don't give up on her! the bright stars at primary will fade. It's a shame she got so hung up on winning a particular award or getting into a particular club. Let her do art club or cookery. She may not be the best in the group (because whether you mean it or not that's what you are saying by not 'excelling') but she needs to learn its important to enjoy things, you don't have to be the best.

I never understand why parents say their children are 'like them' or 'not like them'. It is totally irrelevant what you were good or bad at. She is her own person and deserves to be treated as such.

My dd was like this too and I took her horse riding. She forgot herself round animals and became very confident when she was with them. Riding was expensive though, so she started helping out at the stables to get money off her lessons and ended up getting a paid Saturday job there. It was the making of her and she's now at college on an animal care course.

Try outside groups - guides has helped my DD1 and she is at a very supportive school.

I has a secondary like this - put me off music, drama and art and sport - as an adult I've come to realise I do actually have some talent for - indeed at time there were indications I was talent in few of those areas.

I did well academically there - very good GCSE and okay A-levels - but my face never fitted and my achievement were never celebrated. I couldn't do outside groups - bloody rural location - but I think it would have given me a different view about myself.

It's an odd school that says you can only do a fun activity if you are already good at it. How do you get better at things? By doing them! We all have to start somewhere.

I think you do have to be careful about this idea 'I'm crap at everything' as what you don't want to happen is for that belief to limit you. If you try something and fail, it would be easy to go 'oh right, another thing I'm crap at' and give up, whereas what you should do is think 'first effort distinctly ropey, how can I improve?', especially if you enjoyed it.

By definition the majority of people won't excel at anything (if excelling is considered to be the best of the best).

I think it's pretty poor that there are no clubs available to your DD. At DC's school there are trials for the school sports team and auditions for the school play, but if you don't get into the school team you can still attend the sports club, and if you don't get a main part (which would be unlikely in Year 7 anyway) they will find you something - whether chorus or behind the scenes. And there are plenty of clubs that don't require any sort of skill - book club and science club spring to mind.

Maybe she is really good at being kind to others?
Is she a good listener? Is she perceptive? Can she empathise with others?
These skills are massively more useful in life than being good at sport or playing a musical instrument.
Scouts/Guides are good at encouraging children to value themselves as individuals in a non competitive environment.

I was exactly the same - very average at most things and truly awful at art.
Then I discovered that I was good with people, I am a very good nurse (sorry to boast but it's true). I found my talents after leaving school but it really sucked being average in a sea of excellence

Can you look at a weekend drama school? Generally these accept everyone and everybody takes part in the performances.

Thank you for all.all your comments. Am going to.look at guides (she loved brownies) and theatre school. Also wondering if i have chosen the right school as it is very results based and quite strict and only really bothers about its children they keep their results up so am going to look at the comp a bit further out that is well known for nurturing and inclusion and a big push on the arts. I liked it originally but their resuits are not so good and isn't in such a nice area.

If I could turn back the clock storm it would be to follow my gut when I know a child is unhappy or a square peg. It's easy to think things will improve for all the best reasons but sometimes you just know and ultimately a happy child is the most important thing in the world. Also follow your dd and listen to what she thinks. Finally at this stage friendships are very fluid so don't worry about that.

Have a word with school, tell them she is a young carer (wrt her brother) and needs a confidence boost, and that chorus roles should be open to all. Ask them to help her find a niche or a role in a school activity and that doing do will be important for her wellbeing. Express your disappointment that the school has started off in this way. Make a note to contact them again in a month to review.

Oh, and maybe try and make a mental shift towards thinking of her as a terrific all rounder, or having great empathy, or brilliant organisational skills. If you hold her in mind with these superlatives and shift to looking at her this way it will rub off. It is so easy to look with a critical eye, especially if it brings back all your memories of being a child low in confidence. She is who she is and she is of course amazing.