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Secondary education

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Original poster

Boarding school suitable for 'sensitive' boy

38 replies

cherie32 · 12/09/2017 23:50

DS has just started Yr 4 and I'm trying to get my head around suitable secondary schools. I've attended open days of all the school options on my list and shortened it down to (still a rather long list, in order of preference) Eton, Westminster, Tonbridge, Harrow, Winchester, Radley, Wellington Coll.

To shorten the list further down, I'd be grateful for advice from mums with DC in these schools on which would not suit characteristics of my DS..

He's so far reasonably academic, loves sports and does a lot of it (though not the best at it, he's borderline team B and A in all key sports at his prep). Though he has a lot of friends, he is introverted and can be shy. He's very emotionally connected to me/his dad and is relatively sensitive. He's an only child, and an ethnic minority.

Now I hear boarding schools have really moved on from the conventional 'only macho boys will thrive' and that they cater for all sorts. But I still wonder if the Harrows / Radleys and Wellingtons will be too sporty/macho for him.

Perhaps Winchester is more suited to a non-macho type, but to be honest I couldn't picture him there at all. It was too musical / too quirky / not much focus on sports.

His current prep school will board from 11-13, so will give both DS and I a chance to see how he gets on with it, so he will have had the boarding experience before going on to the secondary school.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
sendsummer · 13/09/2017 00:17

Boarding is great for the right DC at the right school but why out of interest have you decided that is appropriate for your DS? If you have Westminster down I assume that you live in the proximity of London so there are a lot of good day options.
All of those boarding schools will have a great deal of sport on offer including Winchester. Some however will specificallly offer sport or equivalent scholarships to select sporting ability which obviously makes top teams more competitive.
My general advice would be not to overthink things at this stage as the selection procedures will help focus on possible options for him and give him time to know which he prefers. Why not try for your top three and have one fallback option.

SpikeStoker · 13/09/2017 11:41

Hi Cherie, having gone through the whole boarding school application thing with one DC who is clever, enjoys sport but will only ever be C team and is very shy and one DC who is not so clever, but works harder, A team sports and is a complete self starter and very confident, I wouldn't look to cut down on the number of schools. You've picked the "best"/most famous and definitely hard to get into selection and you can't guarantee with a shy DC who from your post has no special outstanding talent (not a criticism, most DC don't but they are all themselves in some special and unique way) that you'll get offers from all of them.
Have you had a chat with your prep school head, they are often very good at aiming children towards the right school for them. And that's what you want to look for, a school where your particular DC will thrive.
Also boarding school is not just about the academics and sport, it's the whole thing. Opportunities to have a go at all sorts of things and meet all sorts of people from all over the globe, be responsible for themslves. Most schools are looking for children who will grab all the school has to offer and want to see enthusiasm at interview.
The school my shy DC ended up at was the one where they finally unbuttoned in the interview and regaled the HM with their view on how the world could be made a good, fair and happy place. In other words showed some personality. The school has also proved to be a great fit.
Other DC got a number of offers and we were in a lucky position of choosing.
Good luck to your DS, but you may have to attend a few interviews before he really shows his true colours if he's shy.

flowery · 13/09/2017 11:44

"He's very emotionally connected to me/his dad and is relatively sensitive."

Why not keep him at home then? Confused

Eton2017 · 13/09/2017 12:04

My 2pworth would be just that it's really hard to tell in y4. At that stage I wasn't sure at all that boarding would suit my DS. Can now say that I see no reason your DS shouldn't thrive at Eton; being macho certainly isn't required. Being prepared to be extremely busy is - but I wouldn't have predicted that would suit my DS when he was in y4.

Why not just make sure you're informed about key dates for all the schools you're interested in (I think for Radley you need to register asap, for Winchester maybe, for Eton by 10.5 but with no advantage to doing so earlier - but I could be wrong) and reconsider each as the time comes?

Ttbb · 13/09/2017 12:18

I wouldn't worry about his ethnicity, top boarding schools are very international these days. The only school I have (secondhand) experience of is Tonbrodbridge and the feedback is that it is overly academic and only suitable for very swortty boys. My DS1 is also very sensitive so I will be watching this thread with interest. Might I suggest sending him to board a couple of nights a week at his prep school to get him ready? This was our plan. You may also want toco spider which schools his friends will be attending, knowing someone there may help him feel less shy and make new friends quickly.

Gruach · 13/09/2017 14:03

I wouldn't worry at this stage. Certainly keep an eye on deadlines for wherever you're interested in - but really your prep should form an idea over the coming year or so, and then tell you where they think would suit best.

I say this partly because yr 4 is simply too early for anyone to imagine a child boarding at senior level - so visits might seem offputting or intimidating both to parent and child!

SpikeStoker · 13/09/2017 14:41

OP, year 4 is not too early, yes they will change, but if you haven't got your DS registered by the end of year 5 ready for assessments in year 6 then you won't be going anywhere. Maybe visit the schools without your DS, my DC changed their minds about which was their favourite a few times, DH and I did not and that's where they've gone. You are absolutely right to be getting organised now. Good on you!

tothinkabout · 13/09/2017 15:40

I see that you have broadly gone for boys boarding apart from Wellington. I would broaden your search to include some more co-ed schools and importantly go and see as many as possible - a brilliant match could be The Kings School Canterbury its pastoral care is superb as are the academics and there is a real friendliness to the school. Tonbridge I have known of with v bright near scholar level boys has worked well / the sport is v strong though with the A teams being littered with county players.

CountessDracula · 13/09/2017 17:30

I fear for children like your ds (sensitive, emotionally connected), boarding school can be very damaging. I know they are much better than they used to be, but all the same I think it would be very hard for such a child. I am guessing you have no option due to circumstances but if there is any way you can not send him, I wouldn't. Obv is none of my business, but I have seen too many unhappy survivors of these institutions to say nothing.

Therealslimshady1 · 13/09/2017 17:41

Countess, wow, a bit harsh. Maybe OP has no choice re boarding (if they are both in the forces for example)

VanillaSugar · 13/09/2017 17:47

You do need to be quite robust to be a boarder, whatever age. '

Eton2017 · 13/09/2017 19:06

Even that link is talking about "early" boarders - in the reputable sources, this definitely doesn't include 13yos! Moreover few parents these days send a child who's unwilling to board, and few schools will accept them anyway.

CountessDracula · 13/09/2017 19:31

yes I did say I assume you have no choice
I don't think people should go into such decisions without all the information though. Esp with a sensitive child. The consequences could be bad.

Sorry if it is unpalatable.

hmcAsWas · 13/09/2017 20:01

I have nothing against boarding in principle, but I wouldn't send a sensitive child (I have a dd who is 'sensitive' - later she was identified as suffering from anxiety) to any boarding school.

Countess wasn't in the least bit harsh - she just gave an honest opinion (which I tend to agree with)

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 13/09/2017 20:04

No no no to harrow. From what I hear the sensitive/eccentric/ non conforming types have a miserable time.

VanillaSugar · 13/09/2017 20:14

My DD was a very robust boarder but even she had her wobbles. Believe me, housemistresses/masters do get fed up with children who are homesick every night.

I'd look at prestigious day schools, i.e. Westminster, St Paul's and UCHampstead if you're in London.

BasiliskStare · 13/09/2017 20:14

So that link refers to early boarding , and it does not refer to contemporary cases , is that right?

13+ v different & also fine.

"Sensitive" needs to be qualified IMHO

Anyway - as you were - last time I looked boarding was not compulsory. So - no-one needs to do it if it does not suit your child

RicottaPancakes · 13/09/2017 20:17

You could keep him at home and employ tutors instead.

BasiliskStare · 13/09/2017 20:24

Oh btw that was to Dracula Blush

BubbleAnimal · 13/09/2017 20:28

Whilst I wouldn't board my children , there was a thread here the other week where a mum got pasted for moving her son around with her and his dad for their work during his secondary years and people screaming about why didn't they board him for his education. Maybe that's what this poster is doing?

Sometimes you can't win on mumsnet.

annandale · 13/09/2017 20:37

If there is no other option than boarding for a sensitive child, I do wonder about your selection process. Obviously you don't have to say how you came up with your shortlist, but I wonder if you have definitely ruled out schools like Sherborne or Bryanston?

BubblesBuddy · 13/09/2017 20:54

I would echo that Harrow would not be suitable but Rugby could be. I think if your child knows they will board, they generally are happy with the idea as the time gets closer. Friends will be doing the same so everyone is going into the big world of senior schools together. I would also consider where other parents are looking and accept guidance from the school. If your DS is really hating the idea of boarding nearer the time, then don't do it. Often children do change in their sensitivities and how they view life, so proceed as you wish but do be flexible if you need to be.

underneaththeash · 13/09/2017 20:59

Have you had a look at Merchant Taylors instead? I suspect that you're in a similar area to me (given the school list!)...its a day only school, is very ethnically mixed and gets very, very good results.

We have a sensitive yr5 and boarding (full boarding at least) would be completely wrong for him.

BasiliskStare · 13/09/2017 21:23

Annandale - I have friends with DCs at both Sherborne and Bryanston - slightly different from OP's list but , depending on what you are looking for , a decent shout.