Excluded for admitting bring friend's bong into school

[Matrushka]

My DS (Year 8) has just been excluded from school for bringing a friend's bong onto the premises. The friend asked DS to carry it into school in and he (stupidly) agreed. I am so upset and confused. I'm convinced that DS is not interested in drugs (recently, we've had frank talks about this and also about not blindly following friends when they're up to no good).
DS finds it difficult to make friends and looks up to this boy (who is very bright and polite, but has been in trouble before). He also lives very near by and the mother and I are friends.
Another student informed a teacher and DS's friend owned up to possession. DS admitted to bringing the bong in but says he didn't smoke. I believe him. But he and the other boy have both been excluded for the same period (five days - at the very start of the next school year).
Obviously, he's been very, very stupid but how should I react? I'm not sure whether to ban him from seeing this boy, who is pretty much his only friend. I've already tried to appeal to the school (DS's behaviour has been exemplary up to now) to no avail.

I think he should probably suffer the natural consequences of making a bad decision. How else does he learn.

Thanks for your opinion Syc4moreTrees. There should be consequences for sure. But should they be as serious as for the other child?

He brought a bong into school - presumably knowing that it was intended for others to smoke at school. That's a serious issue, whether he owns it or not, he was complicit in the action. So yes, the school is punishing them both as they were both involved.

I'd be having a frank chat with your sin as he obviously hasn't taken on board what you've discussed previously, getting together with the mother, having a chat with her, and then both families sitting down to discuss how stupid they've both been. I wouldn't be blaming the other boy though yet until you know his side of the story. And I think 5 days exclusion is quite a light punishment, you should be grateful.

Yes. He brought drug paraphernalia into school. He's also hanging out with drug users. You may need to rethink how "interested " he is. He also clearly wasn't able to resist peer pressure in this instance. Very worrying.

Does your son really need a freind like that?
Why has the other mad even got a bong?
What did his mum say if you are freinds has she spoken to you about it?
If it were me I would keep him away from this so called friend.
It's one thing owning and using something like that but totally another to ask someone to carry it for him knowing it is illegal.
Probably a good lesson for your son now not to be stupid enough to carry something illegal on behalf of someone.

Pengggwn - yes, I guess they're not six anymore.
namechangedtoday15 - yes, I realise it's a serious issue and agree that more discussion in order, also that I shouldn't jump to conclusions. School apparently has same policy to drugs paraphenalia as to drugs. Neither boy has ever had an exclusion so that is likely why the exclusion wasn't for longer/permanent. It's tough, though, that it's at the start of the year - DS can't afford to miss school (he's had virus after virus earlier this year), which is why I was appealing for any other punishment they could suggest.

I think just let him deal with the consequences, sorry but highly unlikely he doesn't smoke but his friends do and he's carrying a bong around.

He has to do the punishment I'm afraid. I know it's not great for his education but I think as a parent you have to back the school in this. If you don't you undermine them and send a very bad message to your son that it wasn't as bad as all that afterall. My son's been in trouble at school and it is backed up by consequences at home - usually grounding and confiscation of things he values.
It's a harsh lesson but one he needs to learn, I'm afraid. He's in year 8. I can guarantee the issue of drugs and paraphernalia will only grow over the next few years, so you need to come down hard.
Sorry you're going through this

Don't be appealing for a lesser punishment. He's lucky not to be permanently excluded. You need to be seen to be completely on the side of the school and how serious this is. Consider the fate of adults who "mule" drugs into certain countries.

Tbh let him take the 5 days exclusion and be thankful it was that light I've known colleges to make it two weeks or permanent for that offence.

Most schools have a zero tolerance towards drugs and their use. The "friend" excuse just doesn't cut it. Maybe this is an opportunity for him to reevaluate his friendships.

An incredibly light punishment, I am amazed he didn't get an immediate permanent exclusion, he would have done in most schools

I agree you need to punish at home too, and ban him from seeing this other boy. You can just say to the mum they are clearly a bad influence on each other, so you think for the time being best they stay apart.

I'm astonished that he wasn't expelled. I wonder what the other parents make of this.

Thanks so much, everyone. It's enlightening to see how this is viewed by other schools. The teacher involved was incredibly kind but firm and explained their policy well - so I will be sure to back them up. I needed to get my own thoughts together first though - and you've been very helpful with that .

I think you are massively underreacting! A bong? In year 8? And you're arguing that his punishment should be reduced?
I would ground him for the entire summer and consider moving him schools. You will get people on here saying it's not that bad, but it is huge in my world.

I teach in a school for students with social, emotional and mental health difficulties. 90% of our boys have been excluded from at least 1 school. Our boundaries for behaviour have to be very, very different to mainstream schools. I get told to fuck off 10 times a week and have tables thrown around reasonably regularly.

And yet we would permanently exclude for bringing a bong to school. I know you have every reason to believe your son but everyone says "it's for a friend" or "I don't smoke". Neither excuse counts for much.

How has your son reacted?

I agree with previous posters: back up school, have a frank chat about drugs and re-evaluate the friendship.

School should send work home during the exclusion so that he doesn't miss anything.

Is it exclusion at home? Ours get sent to the exclusion unit and work sent down. It sounds grim in there but it keeps them in school and stops them roaming the streets when they are excluded.

Patriciathestripper1 - some answers:
Does your son really need a freind like that?
Sadly, this is the boy DS has latched onto, partly because he lives so nearby. I've banned him for the foreseeable and have told DS he should try to make other friends. Planning to get him into a guitar band during the summer. It's going to be tough though. At this age they seem to think they should be able to choose their friends?
Why has the other mad even got a bong?
Exactly. He is precocious in many respects. But there are drug dealers in our local park... Obviously, police are not doing enough.
What did his mum say if you are freinds has she spoken to you about it? She hasn't got back to me yet. I wouldn't be surprised if she moves him to a private school - she's been threatening that for a while because of her son's behaviour (hanging out with the wrong kids - not DS - skipping lessons).

Strangeswelling - I'm as outraged as anyone about bringing drugs into school. But I do believe my son when he says he's not interested in smoking. Condoning and aiding his friend is probably almost as bad but it makes it more sad that he felt he needed to do this....

Blueemeraldagain - he's upset and worried (not sure if enough), traces of bravado showing through. I'm not sure if he fully understands how severe the penalty is (although, not as some of you have said, as severe as it could be). We are on lock down with everything - iphone, xbox, television, friend and sugary drinks for the time-being, to make sure it hits home.
NC4now - yes, exclusion at home.

The previous poster who mentioned drugs mules is absolutely right.

The lesson isn't about school rules or individual teachers etc, or about fair and not fair. It could be a lesson that saves his life one day about the reality of how people treat you when you break certain rules.

I think you should get your DS to do some supervised internet research into what happens to drugs mules.

And then write a list of your DS's excuses and reasons for wanting a lighter punishment at school... and see how they compare to the excuses of the patsy's who get life in prison in foreign gaols, or are indeed, executed.

I suspect the similiarities will be insightful.

I don't mean this as a punishment, but it's a way of learning that in some situations, it doesn't matter what your own intentions are, because you will be judged on your actions. Full stop, end of story, no small print or mitigating factors. Sometimes life really is that simple.

And yes, it's not fair, it should be shades of grey not black and white etc etc etc.

But in the society we live in, you never ever mess around with drugs, weapons or violence. Full stop. Because these are the solid lines, and if you cross those lines, you cannot expect anything different than the law.

Easily led doesn't cut it. Gullible doesn't cut it. And being otherwise a nice fine upstanding young man, nope that doesn't cut it either.

It's not a lesson in morality as such, it's a lesson in reality. Morality lets a tween / teen argue and debate and wriggle around. Morality let's their friends say that friendship is worth the risk. But reality is different, and probably the easier lesson to drum into him at this age and in this situation.

Better he learns it now than he gets used to whining about how unfair it is and then, he'll whine about how unfair the next thing is, and the next thing... until maybe he ends up on a beach in Thailand falling in love and of course he'll carry back that parcel... etc etc etc.

For what it's worth, I feel for him. But it's a good opportunity to set some clear guidelines in the murky waters of gaining and keeping friends.

and stops them roaming the streets when they are excluded

excluded children can't roam the streets,

it is illegal for them to be in a public place, and their parents are responsible for ensuring they are not, and can be prosecuted if they don't