Excluded for admitting bring friend's bong into school

[Matrushka]

My DS (Year 8) has just been excluded from school for bringing a friend's bong onto the premises. The friend asked DS to carry it into school in and he (stupidly) agreed. I am so upset and confused. I'm convinced that DS is not interested in drugs (recently, we've had frank talks about this and also about not blindly following friends when they're up to no good).
DS finds it difficult to make friends and looks up to this boy (who is very bright and polite, but has been in trouble before). He also lives very near by and the mother and I are friends.
Another student informed a teacher and DS's friend owned up to possession. DS admitted to bringing the bong in but says he didn't smoke. I believe him. But he and the other boy have both been excluded for the same period (five days - at the very start of the next school year).
Obviously, he's been very, very stupid but how should I react? I'm not sure whether to ban him from seeing this boy, who is pretty much his only friend. I've already tried to appeal to the school (DS's behaviour has been exemplary up to now) to no avail.

WellThisIsShit - wise words and Wolfiefan - it is indeed a salient lesson. DS is now writing 400 words on drugs mules
You are right - there are no excuses in the wider world, which is what school is all about.

Thanks, WellThisIsShit and Wolfiefan for the drugs mules comparison.
You're absolutely right. I guess we should be grateful that school is a place where such mistakes can be made and lessons learnt from them.
I''ve got him writing 400 words on drugs mules

op I hope you sort this out, you seem to be a lovely mum doing her best
Good luck x

Well done mat, essays ahoy!

As you said, far better he learns this lesson now when it is a safe environment with relatively little lasting consequences.

(Lordy parenting is a minefield sometimes!)

Better he makes this mistake now than gets talked into something even more stupid in a few years time. Love the essay BTW! Tomorrow a PowerPoint?!

Easily led doesn't cut it. Gullible doesn't cut it. And being otherwise a nice fine upstanding young man, nope that doesn't cut it either.

Well put!

OP, No need to repeat everyone else's comments but I thought I'd add that if it were me I'd get him to take a drugs test. (Cheap on Amazon , can get next day delivery). Chances are it would be negative but it will reinforce the fact that you are anti drugs and that you are in charge.

If he is so easily led and daft then knowing that you are prepared to get him to take a drugs test might help him to gather the strength to not do dumb things in future.

OP your ds has had a lucky escape. If he had been older or in a different school or the police had been involved - which they frequently are - he would not only have been permanently excluded but also got a police record. Try forging a future with one of those around your neck

He needs to understand this is a wake up call and he has been provided with a valuable second chance here.

Why are you letting him hang around with a child who takes drugs?!? Drop the mother too.
You need to protect your child.
Just walk away and start afresh elsewhere.

I suppose the thing to point out if in five years time a friend asked him to hold some drugs and the police searched both it would be the person in posession who would get charged. Police wouldnt be interested in the fact he was doing a friend a favour.

I think the school did the right thing not excluding your son permanently. He has previous good behaviour, he made a silly mistake, he is young. Hopefully he will learn from this.
Where did the other boy get the bong from?

I think it sounds totally fair enough - he brought drug paraphernalia into school! It's not like it was just a lighter or something, it was a bong which is used solely for smoking weed.

As a teacher I think he fully deserves the same punishment as the others, as he is the I've who took the drug paraphernalia unto school therefore he was the one allowing others access to take drugs, in basic terms could be seen as the supplier in some eyes. He's done wrong, he has to accept the consequences and I think you appealing to the school for a more lenient punishment than the others, sends out a totally unacceptable message to your son.

I think he's very lucky the Police weren't involved either, most schools I know would have contacted them immediately. He is thecae of criminal responsibility, he could have received a caution.

Morning Matrushka how are you?

Has your DS had a moment of clarity following your 400 word drug mule assignment?!

I think you sound like you're handling it really well. I get the impression you've not let your son see that you are arguing for leniency, or that he's feeling particularly 'let off' by you.

These threads are always very interesting, as you get such polarizing opinions. Sometimes it's all about how they're still just babies and can do no wrong - seriously, I've read 14-15 yr olds being described as 'just babies' . And then there's the hang em and flog em posters for whom justice is inflexible and immovable, and for whom mercy is weakness!

Both extremes to be taken with a pinch of salt, but somewhere in each is a kernel of wisdom.

I'm struck by the latest posts observing that the police could have been involved. I must admit I'd been thinking about the incident as a school matter, but of course, at 12 he is to some extent legally responsible for his actions. I now think that the school haven't actually punished DS and 'friend' to the fullest extent of their powers, as yes, they could have got the police involved. So, something to store away for future thought, for use of the bravado is proving difficult to crack!

Cocky but protected children might fall into the erroneous belief that they are above the law... too young to be prosecuted, too naive to see their actions in terms of the law. I can see how it could happen, and tricky to deal with!

Anyway, hope all is going well, you're doing well at navigating this difficult stuff.

He's got off lightly. In my school it was permanent exclusion, immediately, and don't ever come back.

I hope he takes a positive lesson from this. It's good that it happened now and in this way (rather than being caught with drugs by the police later).

Our school would have issued them both with permanent exclusions too.

I would say he is lucky to have only been excluded for 5 days.

Perhaps make him read this thread to see how lucky he has been.

I havent read the whole thread but I would be surprised uf your son wasnt trying/ using drugs if the boy he looks up to is.

To a previous poster: bongs aren't illegal.

To a different previous poster: what do children do, where do they go, when they've been excluded from even your school for bringing a bong in? It surprises me, because violent attacks are treated much more harshly by the criminal justice system than cannabis-related offences (of which owning a bong is not one, unless I suppose it has traces of drugs which might technically be possession?) - not that it shouldn't be punished.

If he was a pupil at the secondary school where I am a governor then he would have been permanently excluded. Any pupil bringing any drug equipment or drugs on site is under no illusion that this is the outcome for such an offence.
Clearly your son is at a school where the rules around drugs are not as strong as in mine. However he needs now to accept he did wrong, as you do, accept the punishment and move on. One has to question the need for being friendly with this other pupil. If the other pupil had the sense (cunning?) to let your son bring the bong on site then I think that it is highly likely that your son is going to be the "fall guy" again if he continues to count this other pupil as a friend.
Incidentally your wish to get the punishment reduced is not going to happen. The regulations around exclusions are framed so that if your son's total number of days of exclusion are no more than five then whilst the governing body must consider any representations by you as a parent, they cannot direct re-instatement and is not actually required to arrange a meeting with you as a parent.
If the level of exclusions in a term is between 5 and 15 then the governing body must meet to consider the reinstatement of an excluded pupil but the governing body cannot change the level of punishment, they can only confirm the exclusion or reinstate completely, in other words agree the exclusion is incorrect. I find it difficult to believe that any governing body would agree to that in the circumstances.

Agree with PP, this is a hard but fair lesson.

You say he struggles a bit with friendships? Are there any out of school activities he could join (be forcefully encouraged to join):

• cadets/scouts
• music school
• theatre school
• sports clubs

This would give him a group of people in a different controlled environment where he could form friendships based on common interests rather than proximity.

At his age there is a strong desire to fit in. Something outside of school would give him somewhere to fit in which was positive.

I'd suggest you email the school and ask them very politely if it would be possible to send details of the work he would be doing in class so that (a) it's not a holiday and (b) he will be better able to catch up when he goes back.