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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Advice please (WWYD)

39 replies

Secondaryhelpneeded · 09/07/2017 12:51

Its a long one so bear with me......keeping it vague don't want to out myself.

Bright DS who loved his primary state school, was top of the class. I made him take the 7+ for Latymer and didn't get in. Thought I would move him to a prep 30 mins away which only goes up to year 6 but never the less preps for 11+.

Now my DS has just finished year 4 and there has been some minor name calling going on which was sorted. Then some kids ignored my DS he would go to sleep crying and wake up crying before school. Its a class of 11 only. Last week after a meeting with my DS's headteacher we were left a little deflated. He smirked when we mentioned trying for Latymer 11+/City Boys and said we need to settle for Radnor House or Dulwich College. He didn't score very high in his internal exams (he got 70%'s) and I think its because his confidence has been knocked. The only reason we changed to a prep was to avoid tutoring and letting the school get him ready. After speaking to some of the parents they tutor twice a week as well as send to a prep!

Anyhow......bumped into old headteacher of state school and mentioned we won't be applying to the super selectives as current head thinks it silly. Old headteacher couldn't believe what was being said, told us we need to bring him back and definitely apply and he's a bright boy.

I honestly haven't slept all night wondering what I should do, on the one hand he has such a lovely bunch of friends who still want playdates with him in his old state school but has a class of 30 kids (teaching isn't fantastic). On the other hand he has a lovely prep (facilities)/great teachers no friends and a head that doesn't believe in him.

What would you lovely parents do? Leave him in current prep as its too much disruption. Or take him out and back into the old school with friends? (he said he wants to stay but not convincingly)

Also what secondary independent in west London should we aim for? He's not into sport, he's very gentle, shy and a good mathematician. I think he needs a nurturing environment with non disruptive kids. Oh and most important a mix of kids from different backgrounds. He sticks out like sore thumb is his current prep.

Thank you for not falling asleep. I certainly need some!

OP posts:

QGMum · 09/07/2017 13:45

What are you getting for your money at this prep? If you need to tutor as well save your money and send him back to state. Sounds like the outcome for senior school will then be the same or better.

GreenTulips · 09/07/2017 13:50

Unfortunately every class has disruptive kids - you need to speak to parents about the school ethos - how they teach how active they are

DC school has one disruptive child (seriously bad) and this child is moving - I feel for the class getting him!! You can't guarantee who else is in the class. However you can keep him from becoming involved and teaching him to ignore the disruption

Blossomdeary · 09/07/2017 13:55

Rule number one - never never ever move a child from a school where they are happy - just DO NOT DO IT!

I speak as one whose fingers were badly burned in a similar situation. A family is only as happy as its most miserable member; and a child who is unhappy at school needs to be rescued.

Get him back to where he was happy and where his mates are.

I did this to my DD and 30 years on she recalls the total misery of the move - done for the best of motives, but a disaster all round.

LIZS · 09/07/2017 14:00

Why do you feel he sticks out, or is it that you feel you do? Joining an established group is hard , for him and you. What is current head basing his assessment of future school choice on?

number1wang · 09/07/2017 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lacebell10 · 09/07/2017 14:11

Put him back to his old school. Use your money on tutoring. Being happy at primary school will set him up for life.

semideponent · 09/07/2017 14:12

I think I would put him back in state school and start working with a tutor to prep him for 11+.

I don't know much about London schools, I'm afraid.

AgentProvocateur · 09/07/2017 14:14

I second (or third?) not moving a child from where they are happy, however that horse has bolted and you now need to deal with where you are. He goes to sleep crying, wakes up crying and has no friends - I'd have taken him out by now. Sod the notice period and losing money. Your child's happiness is paramount.

Original poster

Secondaryhelpneeded · 09/07/2017 14:21

Definitely sod the notice period. I can't get my head round why he's suddenly reluctant to go back. As to why he sticks out....the only kid who's not blond haired and blue eyed in the class.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 09/07/2017 14:25

Back to state and get a good tutor who is experienced tutoring for the schools you want , just pay the notice and take him out straight away .

Karramaboo · 09/07/2017 15:03

So sorry to hear your ds is having a hard time, your prep head sounds charming. Your ds sounds a bit like mine in personality. His prep head has said he is academically capable of getting into somewhere like City boys but she thinks it's important to find the school that suits his personality. Dulwich is our first choice for this very reason. Have you taken a look around DC? I don't know Radnor House but regardless of whether your ds is academic or not, the superselectives are not just about how clever your ds is, but how they will get on socially. Ds is getting top marks at his prep - top of the class and always top 5 in most things but we're not considering Latymer etc because we want somewhere that ds will be happy and we feel it's not the right place for him. Re the prep/state thing? If I had my time again I would have sent ds state, everyone I know tutors at the prep and they then walk away with an impressive leavers list of dc's getting into SPGS, KCS, City etc. It's a big con and you need to take a step back and think of the school where your ds is likely to be happy enough to achieve well at 16/18. Save the prep school fees, put ds back in his old class and get a decent tutor. xx

user1497480444 · 09/07/2017 16:08

Rule number one - never never ever move a child from a school where they are happy - just DO NOT DO IT!

Sittinginthesun · 09/07/2017 16:17

Not sure about secondaries where you are, but I'd move him back into the state school, in September if there is space, and sod the fees.

A term or so to get his confidence back, and then a tutor if you feel he needs it.

I have friends with children across many many school, and believe me, most of the prep school parents are paying stupid money for extra tutoring. Then they get cross when the school gets the credit.

I actually know one parent who receives the term's curriculum at the end of the previous term, so that she can teach her child it over the holidays before term starts.

FanDabbyFloozy · 09/07/2017 16:37

There is just one year to go with prepping for the selective state schools and 1.5 to the Indies. I would not under estimate the disruption in changing schools yet again, or the difficulty in finding a decent tutor at this point. Do you even know if there is seriously a place at the state school?

Original poster

Secondaryhelpneeded · 09/07/2017 16:55

The old head said there was, I'm gonna go and see them this week and discuss. He had a play date with his old buddies just today and came back bouncy and happy. I feel like such an idiot for taking him out in the first place. Someone kill me now!

OP posts:

cakeisalwaystheanswer · 09/07/2017 18:24

I never understand why there is this perceived wisdom that prep fees are a complete waste of money but private schooling suddenly becomes completely worthwhile for senior school. They all sit GCSEs/ A levels etc and go on to the same universities. Every year there will be very bright DCs at state schools who have achieved considerably better results than less able DCs at private schools and will get on to better uni courses.There are many excellent state senior schools in SW London and IME friend's very bright DCs have sone extremely well at them. By all means move your DS back to his primary school if you think he will be happier there, but don't discount your state senior school options as well.

SaltyMyDear · 09/07/2017 18:30

I'm another one thinking learn your lesson and stick with state - for secondary as well.

Original poster

Secondaryhelpneeded · 09/07/2017 19:10

The local state secondary is very rough and my DS would just shrivel up in that environment. Hence why im looking for a nurturing school that will allow him to blossom.

OP posts:

BubblesBuddy · 09/07/2017 19:18

He may have a lot of friends who will go there though so yet again you think the grass is greener! Why can't he stay with his friends? He may mature and find his way at the school. Or is it the children who go there that you don't like? No school has all rough children. Have you ever looked round? Or is it just uninformed gossip?

Original poster

Secondaryhelpneeded · 09/07/2017 19:37

His friends are all applying for independents. I've had a look at our local and I love the building, space and ease of travel. The exit results are poor, it's got a history of kids bringing in knives...need I say more?

OP posts:

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 09/07/2017 19:38

Hence why im looking for a nurturing school that will allow him to blossom

That's certainly not where he is. I'd move him back too, and then use this experience to help you make a better informed decision about senior school.

Rudi44 · 09/07/2017 20:44

It sounds like he has been through huge amounts of upheaval and you are planning even more. Whatever your next move/s you do really need to think it through carefully as switching schools Is likely to have some negative impact. Is super selective definitely the right choice? Are you confident he will thrive in a highly pressured academic environment where is is likely to not be top of the class. I am not saying he won't be fine but if he gets in and can't cope would you move him again?

user789653241 · 09/07/2017 20:46

"The local state secondary is very rough and my DS would just shrivel up in that environment."

And he isn't shriveled up now at not very rough environment?

Traalaa · 10/07/2017 08:17

I'm guessing your son's prep has broken up now and the state primary hasn't? Could you ask nice Head Teacher at the Primary for a day (or half day) where your son goes back into his old school? Then he can remember how it was/ is and he can choose what he wants to do.

I think having small class numbers can be a huge disadvantage. At least in a bigger group of children DC are more likely to find friends/ can avoid the idiots.

jeanne16 · 10/07/2017 08:55

Your Prep school sounds a concern. Small classes are good but a very small class of 11 is often a sign that the school is not very popular and may not be on a sound financial footing. Normal class sizes will be around 18 to 20.

Also for the Head to say Dulwich College is somehow less academic than Latymer Upper is rather extraordinary. Dulwich College is one of the very sort after schools in London.

The top London state schools now stream their pupils. If you can get you DC into the top stream of say Holland Park or Graveney, I believe they can do very well. Apparently the top streams are kept almost entirely separate from the rest of the school. I have to say I find this all rather extraordinary. I have heard parents claim that they are getting an excellent free education and their children are kept away from the 'difficult' kids in the lower sets. So much for supposed comprehensive schools!

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