Advice please (WWYD)

[Secondaryhelpneeded]

Its a long one so bear with me......keeping it vague don't want to out myself.

Bright DS who loved his primary state school, was top of the class. I made him take the 7+ for Latymer and didn't get in. Thought I would move him to a prep 30 mins away which only goes up to year 6 but never the less preps for 11+.

Now my DS has just finished year 4 and there has been some minor name calling going on which was sorted. Then some kids ignored my DS he would go to sleep crying and wake up crying before school. Its a class of 11 only. Last week after a meeting with my DS's headteacher we were left a little deflated. He smirked when we mentioned trying for Latymer 11+/City Boys and said we need to settle for Radnor House or Dulwich College. He didn't score very high in his internal exams (he got 70%'s) and I think its because his confidence has been knocked. The only reason we changed to a prep was to avoid tutoring and letting the school get him ready. After speaking to some of the parents they tutor twice a week as well as send to a prep!

Anyhow......bumped into old headteacher of state school and mentioned we won't be applying to the super selectives as current head thinks it silly. Old headteacher couldn't believe what was being said, told us we need to bring him back and definitely apply and he's a bright boy.

I honestly haven't slept all night wondering what I should do, on the one hand he has such a lovely bunch of friends who still want playdates with him in his old state school but has a class of 30 kids (teaching isn't fantastic). On the other hand he has a lovely prep (facilities)/great teachers no friends and a head that doesn't believe in him.

What would you lovely parents do? Leave him in current prep as its too much disruption. Or take him out and back into the old school with friends? (he said he wants to stay but not convincingly)

Also what secondary independent in west London should we aim for? He's not into sport, he's very gentle, shy and a good mathematician. I think he needs a nurturing environment with non disruptive kids. Oh and most important a mix of kids from different backgrounds. He sticks out like sore thumb is his current prep.

Thank you for not falling asleep. I certainly need some!

I would second Jeane's concerns about the prep and about the HTs views on senior schools. Radnor is a very new school with quite poor results at the moment although this may change as its very early days. Dulwich is a very established, academic and popular school and is in the top 100 Indy league tables. To suggest they are on a similar level is ridiculous.
My concern is that you move your DS back to his state primary, then he starts at an Indy you don't like or he doesn't fit in for Y7 and he's moving again. It sounds as though you took the prep as a consolation for Latymer and if you don't get your desired option at 11+ you may end up doing the sama again with a similar result.
Can you try and be objective and ask yourself if the HT had been very positive about your DS, and had said his CAT scores were amazing and he had the pick of any school in London, Westminster etc but he thought a co-ed would suit him best and he was a shoe-in for Latymer, would you be looking to move him?

Traalaa Absolutely I agree. Reasonably sized classes (not too small), mixed classes of different backgrounds. Academically good but pastoral care needs to be at the forefront.

That's a good idea about his old school, I'll ask for half a day and see what he feels.

It really is a learning curve. Your advice is really appreciated.

Keep him in the class where he has no friends and cries himself to sleep - just keep adding to a separate fund so you can pay for his therapy later.

Btw a child who gets b and c's in a state school is the same as a child who gets all A's in private, in my view. Am sure a lot of non private/grammar school educated make a discount for privilege grade inflation at interview. Why not trust your son in his abilities and send him state and at the same time stop propping up an unfair regime which creams off the best?

I hope the Head at his old primary says he can go back for a try-out then.

Thinking about it, if he is only year 4, you've time to do the private tutor thing if that's what you want to do. Two years is a very long time to be unhappy and the other kids at his prep won't change. Move him back..!

Love the trolls.....make me smile. He will go to the school he says he wants to. Leaving was his choice as well as ours. His state school class had a few disruptive kids that were always paired with him to keep them quiet. He was quite fed up by the end of Year 3.

Got a meeting today lets see what happens with the old head. Also making an appointment with prep head. Going to get to the bottom of comparing Dulwich College and Radnor.....they are chalk and cheese.

jeanne, comprehensive schools have always streamed kids. They don't segregate as you describe though. Top streams are ability based, so any child can get into the top stream which is why they're fairer, but the comps I know don't stream for everything. Mostly they stream for the academic subjects, but everything else is mixed ability classes. That means kids will always mix in some classes, for games, in corridors, tutor groups, playgrounds, lunch queue, etc. That is the plus - your child meets all children. Being 'difficult' is not narrowly banded to the lower ability groups and isn't divided by ability anyway. It sounds like some of the children at the OP's prep are pretty difficult! Remember there have always been good state schools, just as there have always been bad ones. Same in the private sector.

Most comps I know do not stream but set , that is divide by ability in individual subjects not wholesale. And a lot do perfectly well teaching some subjects in mixed ability groupings.

Sorry, mummy time's right - they set, not stream!

Having an opinion on your child's predicament that isn't what you want to hear is not the same thing as being a troll.

My very bright and well behaved, state educated, son is also paired in the manner you describe. It hasn't been detrimental. He might not like it but it has given him the skills to be able to focus and work hard regardless of his environment. These are valuable life skills which as long as, the environment isn't allowed to descend into chaos will enable him to achieve in later life. Having been educated myself in state school in an inner city, and excelled at uni and my career, I just don't understand what people like you are so scared of.

I can assure you that Holland Park and Graveney, 2 very sort after London State Schools, stream their pupils. This means if you are in the top stream, then you do not mix very much with other pupils. I know this from working at these schools. I also know there are many others that do the same, though presumably not all.

It works very well for the diligent hard-working pupil who is a good all rounder. It is less good for pupils with skewed ability. A friend's DD was very good at English but less good at Maths. They stream based on th Midys .

Two things to also consider. Dulwich College is a very sought after well regarded school. It is in no way a school for kids who failed to get in elsewhere. It is a positive choice school. Radnor House school (Twickenham) is still relatively new and gaining popularity and improving results as cohorts move through.
The second thing is the old Primary head may be keen to get a bright child back.
State schools do not usually give you much of a steer with regard to next schools from a personality point of view. Hopefully preps do. Not always correctly.
Would your son like to go back to his old primary? Bear in mind year 6 will be different to year 4. You may need to tutor for exams and take a look at DC and RH

Just reread your post. That should be year 5 will be different to year 2 in his state primary.
His prep sounds miserable. Maybe go and have a look back at the old primary

I know Graveney stream which is why I was very relieved not to live in the area

Our state primary hasn't broken up yet. Ring them up and get him back to where he is happy. How dare the Head decide in year 4 what your son's potential is. Children change, they have bad days, they develop. At the end of the day its not his decision its yours.